In Sync Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Perhaps we wear blinders because of a core inner belief which we have embraced: the scarcity of love. We each have felt in our hearts and minds that our ex's were the most beautiful or the most charming or the most brilliant or this or that. As one LS member (serialmuse) pointed out we bestowed an "omnipotent" quality upon them. Hmmm? So it occured to me, if we feel they are so unique and no other has this quality and naturally we don't want to lose this (again reflecting a this scarcity we have come to believe in our subconscious) We begin to put on blinders. No matter how they treat us down the line we simply can not do without them. (which explains the difficulty in maintaining NC) If only we can begin to see the abundance of love, sex, beautiful (inside and out) men and women, there is available to each and every one of us..we would could walk away from bad relationships or ones that are no longer working for us with the inner belief that yes we can find love out there again..and it won't be a struggle. Yes our ex's were unique but aren't we all unique? Are you no less unique than they? There is another unique love out there for us. It's NOT a finite amount. Scarcity breeds fear in us. Abundance galor frees our grip! We've adapted this hoarding mentality because it makes us feel secure. Like a child wrapping his or her arms around a toy (oue ex's) which they want no other to play with..yet only right behind that child is the world's biggest Toys R' Us with the doors wide open and no cashiers..just waiting for that child to turn around. Just airing my thoughts here.
sick of it Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 In Sync, very good post. my only problem with it is rationality. everything you say does make sense. its logical, rational, obvious....but those qualities i believe leave you when youre in the thick of love....however, thats the blinders. When i was with my ex, i can honestly say i never looked elsewhere. even when things were difficult, i never looked i never strayed i never considered. so to me, there is no abundance. im sure to many there is no abundance...granted i was like that for 6 yrs. so it takes a lot of getting used to to break that habit (which i havent done yet). its funny you wrote this today becausei was think about something similar.... do you think you can ever give yourself completely to anyone a second time. everyone wh truly loves has at least one horrific breakup. one that shatters your world for an extremely long time...one that makes you change your life, alter your living, and reevaluate everything that was once you....this is all because you felt that specific way about a person. do you think its possible to feel that strength of love to someone else completely. i know people will say "i had a horrible breakup and i love my new SO"....but do you feel the same strength of love? did you maybe not love your ex like you thought? is it even possible to love like that again? does this make sense.
Author In Sync Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 In Sync, very good post. my only problem with it is rationality. everything you say does make sense. its logical, rational, obvious....but those qualities i believe leave you when youre in the thick of love....however, thats the blinders. When i was with my ex, i can honestly say i never looked elsewhere. even when things were difficult, i never looked i never strayed i never considered. so to me, there is no abundance. im sure to many there is no abundance...granted i was like that for 6 yrs. so it takes a lot of getting used to to break that habit (which i havent done yet). its funny you wrote this today becausei was think about something similar.... do you think you can ever give yourself completely to anyone a second time. everyone wh truly loves has at least one horrific breakup. one that shatters your world for an extremely long time...one that makes you change your life, alter your living, and reevaluate everything that was once you....this is all because you felt that specific way about a person. do you think its possible to feel that strength of love to someone else completely. i know people will say "i had a horrible breakup and i love my new SO"....but do you feel the same strength of love? did you maybe not love your ex like you thought? is it even possible to love like that again? does this make sense. But that is my point...there is an abundance of love around you within you. You're again thinking in scarcity. i.e., the love you felt for one is it and only it. That's the child holding onto that one toy concept. If you would allow yourslef to see ok, this part of me loved my ex this way and that was good then, but tomorrow I can love fully with another and that brings out the colors in me that haven't been explored and I can love even another with other colors. Yes you loved your ex, but your feelings are not limited especially in their fullness. In your own mind you have set a limit on who you love and will be able to love. When by a simple switch of thinking you could say, there's a world of people I am capable of opening my heart too. How you love a new person is the beauty of unlimiting yourself, why would you want to even repeat the same story with a new person anyway? Because in your mind (and not just you) you want to repeat or hold onto what is comfortable. Imagine if there were only one rose in the entire world, that rose would be extremely costly and you would cease loving it without wanting to solely possess it, mine all mine. But the world is full of roses. We only need to look around us. And not be so lazy to venture out and seek it.
LawGirl Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I agree. There is an abundance of love out there. And I agree that there will be someone else in my life - hopefully - at some point in time. I think some of it is fear why we don't move on. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the length of time it may take to find someone else. Fear it may never happen. Here is my personal analogy for your toy store story. I am standing in the parking lot. The lights are out and the store is locked. The sign outside says "closed for an indeterminate period of time. Keep checking to see when we will reopen." I know there are toys in there. I know that sometime, I will eventually be able to get in the store. I am at the windows peering in. Yearning for a key. In the reflection of the glass, I see my ex drive away and although, I am thinking about giving chase I won't - cause the new toys might be easier to love. I absolutely MISS my ex. I REGRET the fact he is done playing with me. I did LOVE him. But - I AM very open to finding someone new. I WANT to. But the store of abundance is locked and I don't have a way in. I simply want to find someone to love - who loves me back the same way. Seems like I am asking for too much....
sick of it Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 i dont know...theres something missing from this. maybe its the wanting to love again. i want to love again....but its hard to want it when theres no one else i want to love. i think deep down, if i ever feel as strong about someone else as i do/did about my ex...it nullifies how i felt about her. "who cares" right? i dont know theres something in this that i cant seem to say correctly.
Author In Sync Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 sick of it, you will love again. But right now you and I are different ends of the spectrum. You are still in the earliest of stages of healing and coping, though I am still plagued by memories (and yes I did say plagued...I'm not a saint so I admit my ex left a bitter taste) it has been 5 months of pure NC, so my thoughts are my reflection at this stage where there's been time and distance. Enough for me to see a glimmer of light ahead. I clung to my fear, and swore I couldn't go on without him. Well looking back that was rather dramatic. I can and did go on. So I faced one fear. As for meeting anyone else and the ability to love. I can't imagine that I went through all this heartache and not be able to love as strongly again..only this time my love comes with inner wisdom.
serial muse Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 i dont know...theres something missing from this. maybe its the wanting to love again. i want to love again....but its hard to want it when theres no one else i want to love. i think deep down, if i ever feel as strong about someone else as i do/did about my ex...it nullifies how i felt about her. "who cares" right? i dont know theres something in this that i cant seem to say correctly. I think I know what you're trying to say. (But feel free to correct me.) I fell hard for my ex, and for a little while, I felt that I was living the fairy tale. I saw it as perfect, in its way. Bits of it really were, and the bits that didn't mattered less. So, sunshine and flowers and springtime, tra la. Bliss. Then, of course, it ended, and I had to decide how I felt about that. Hm. For a long time I was in denial: This is just some of the stuff that keeps lovers apart. This is part of our story. It'll work out, even if it's years down the road. Gotta have faith, believe in love, hold fast and be true. (That's all part of the fairy tale, too - there's always tribulation before the reconciliation.) Then, slowly, I began to see that, in fact, that might not happen. I began to let myself see the cracks behind the glow. I admitted, once or twice, in private, that perhaps they had always been there; perhaps I had downplayed them just a bit. And that's when things got tough. It's one thing to accept that someone doesn't want to reconcile, but it's quite another to accept that maybe you don't want to. That's painful in a completely different way. That was the hardest part of all: letting go of the ideal in my own mind. I mean, I believed in the rightness of this relationship so much that it had become this central thing for me, a furnace at which I warmed myself for as long as I could. And now I had to put it out? Nope. I clung firmly to the belief that this was the right relationship throughout the breakup and the aftermath, for months. I was deeply invested in my own feelings about it. I didn't want to be wrong. I felt so strongly about him. If I were wrong about this, how could I ever trust my instincts again? Well, it was right, and it wasn't. Parts of it were not great. Does that mean I was wrong? Did I make a mistake? Aw, screw it. No. I don't think so. What's a mistake? He!!, I loved this man. It felt great. It felt great to love someone that intensely, to know that I had this capacity to love someone intensely. I had romance, and star-crossed love, and a wounded knight who was sometimes a hero. It was all there, in its way. It was beautiful, and I loved it and believed in it. But it wasn't perfect, and I wasn't always happy. Sometimes I was very unhappy. I hate admitting that, because it feels like a betrayal of the happiness I did feel. But it's the truth. Anyway. It's hard to allow yourself to feel that way about someone new, because a second fairy tale can never hold the magic of the first. It's like a loss of innocence. That's not how these stories are supposed to go! The whole point is that there's this person who makes you sing inside and you've found each other and happily ever after and sunshine and flowers and springtime, tra la. I think what has to happen, to find peace and let go, is a shifting of vision. Of course, you don't want to nullify your own feelings, because they were beautiful and you don't want to lose that. And to love someone new, you have to let go of the idea that this other love was the "right" love. To do that somehow implies that you made a mistake in ever thinking that it was, and it sets your world on its ear. But you don't really need to think about it that way. You felt what you felt, and nothing will change that; it's just a matter or reorienting your interpretation of it - of the fairy tale's takeaway moral - from "I can only love her strongly" to "I can love strongly". That implies that you have a bottomless well of the stuff of fairy tales - instead of a finite supply, limited to one per customer.
mitchilicious Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 well...its not about the topic....but pls...can u tell me how can i post too i mean i have a problem too and i want to ask for Advice too...how can i do that? or should i be a premium member first...pls let me know...thanks....message me!!
sick of it Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 serial muse, i cried when i read that. i think what you said is a huge part of it. "nothing else will have the magic of the first". "this was how it was supposed to go, we'll get back together." "This is part of our story. It'll work out, even if it's years down the road. Gotta have faith, believe in love, hold fast and be true." We had always talked about how we lived a fairy tale. i never let go of that and i relied on it. its sad now to think about it and still, i want to believe it. everything you said was just like me about holding on because you knew it was the right one. ive been doing this for 10months and even though i have let her do her thing...im always waiting. im getting flashbacks of memories from 6 years ago that i know i cant ever repeat or talk about again and that scares me. i have to convince myself about the right love. thats so hard. its so engrained in my head. ive convinced myself of it for so long. i do want to love again...and though i am still in love (so i think) i know i will eventually love someone else. however, im damaged goods right now. and though shes completely moved on, i know that i cant and wont for a while. that too is scary because its all about waiting. while i wait, i compare. i compare myself to her new guy. i compare myself to how she handled it. i compare my quality of life to hers and his. that is all self destructive. i need to convince myself, like you said, that it wasnt the right love.
KittenMoon Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 This thread is so depressing because it's probably true. I'm so in love and I know he's way happier now that he's not with me. I know he feels like he broke out of a prison and I wonder- why was I such a prison? There's still questions- will we be able to go back to each other someday when life has been experienced apart? Or do I just have to bury every happy memory I have in order to move on? I wonder if he'll even miss me in a few weeks, or a few months, or if he even does now. Will he be happy to see me in the future, be so nice to me because he's moved on, while all the while I'm pining away for him inside and trying to put on a happy face? I still have blinders on. But I know love has lost it's shine. It's never going to feel again like it did the first time and I am always going to remember how I screwed that love up by just not embracing it fully. I think: I don't feel like I will ever love again. I probably will, but I don't even know if I want to anymore. Like I feel like I had my chance at what I wanted and I screwed it up. I guess it's too early for me to be optimistic.
KittenMoon Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Serial Muse- just wondering, how long were you with your ex, what were the circumstances of the break-up, did you have a lot of bumps in the relationship, etc?
Author In Sync Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 ...There's still questions- will we be able to go back to each other someday when life has been experienced apart? Or do I just have to bury every happy memory I have in order to move on? I wonder if he'll even miss me in a few weeks, or a few months, or if he even does now. Will he be happy to see me in the future, be so nice to me because he's moved on, while all the while I'm pining away for him inside and trying to put on a happy face? I still have blinders on. But I know love has lost it's shine. It's never going to feel again like it did the first time and I am always going to remember how I screwed that love up by just not embracing it fully. I think: I don't feel like I will ever love again. I probably will, but I don't even know if I want to anymore. Like I feel like I had my chance at what I wanted and I screwed it up. I guess it's too early for me to be optimistic. Maybe it's too early for you to be optimsmistic so I'll be optimistic for you. Everything you've written points out that inner belief of doubting you will love again. You didn't screw up. Perhaps on hindsight this opportunity this event will only lead you to a new love that's more powerful because your eyes are wide open. No, you can be guaranteed in life a perfect outcome to any realtionship, but you at least know what works for you and what doesn't work for you in a relationship. You may have now just open the door of honesty for yourself. And if you can begin to be honest with yourself then we are all bound to be mislead by distortions of another. It doesn't matter right now if you'll hear from him, because whether you do or not with the confidence that you will love again that leaves you free from that concern. When we wonder if our ex's think about us or whether we hear from them again, it's because we are afraid of letting go and looking ahead....so why invest so much energy wondering if this one person who may have moved on is thinking of you. Your future and mine holds soooo many people who do wonder about us who will think about us and will love us. That's more inspiring to imagine.
riobikini Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Why do we wear blinders? Man, I've posted my answers to that question all over this site. Mary J. Blige says what we do best in her tune, "Missin' You"...kinda goes like this and...(Smile)..starts out with the 'blinders': I'm not in love, it's just some kinda thing I'm goin thru and it's not infatuation -ain't nothin gonna come 'tween me and you, -but I dream about it every night, baby, wanting you here with me, makin' love to me...and oh..I'm missin you like crazy...body and soul is aching...I'm out of control...missin' you so...I'm missin' you...missin you...missin' you ....-I'm not in love-...no...no...and that's what I keep tellin' myself , over and over again...and i'm not the least bit amused by you baby..yet I don't want to be with nobody else...but I dream about you... Guess that just about says it for me. -Rio
DogBrain Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 You know, The future can hold good things or bad things or a combination of both. When you say you will never find love again, monitor your feelings to see if you can uncover their source. 1) Breakups hurt - there is a PHYSICAL reason for that - regardless of why they happen, they hurt. 2) You can focus on understanding, on some sort of explanation or model that explains why all this happened, but if you do, you will conclude either that you are a victim OR that you caused it yourself (or some ciombination thereof). Either way, you now have too much baggage to move forward freely and confidently (the way we should live our lives). 3) Please do not allow the word "destiny" to enter your thoughts. If we knew what our destinies are, we would know that information BEFORE the crap happens. Have the pity party, indulge that pain (even elephants love to wallow), then understand WHY you feel like a victim - what about your life tells you it is permissible to be a victim or why you caused the problem when you are the only person in charge of your life? When you have those answers, love will appear again. As far as going back...... I am not the same man I was when this whole mess erupted and I know she is not the same woman. Heck, we may not even like each other anymore - certainly if I were to discover her one day, I would still be as strongly attracted as I was when we first met, but I would also be watching closely for signs that she has worked through the issues that were central to the whole sordid affair. The great thing about sordid affairs is that once you heal, you feel so "clean" again. db
serial muse Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Hi gang. Serial Muse- just wondering, how long were you with your ex, what were the circumstances of the break-up, did you have a lot of bumps in the relationship, etc? Hi kittenmoon. We were together about 10 months total. There were many bumps in the relationship, that had to do with baggage we each carried going in, as well as distance (physical distance). This thread is so depressing because it's probably true. I'm so in love and I know he's way happier now that he's not with me. I know he feels like he broke out of a prison and I wonder- why was I such a prison? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to depress anyone; I guess the point I was trying to make is that those of us who linger here are stuck in figuring out how we're part of someone else's story (e.g., did I "emprison" him, like Circe and the pigs?) or how to bring about the third act of the fairy tale, where the star-crossed lovers are, at last, reunited. But it's far more empowering to remember that we are actually writing our own stories. And it's hard to break free of certain story arc patterns, because we've been schooled in how to write these types of stories throughout our lives, by all the romantic stories we've read and heard and watched: we've been told that the story is about two people who find each other against all odds, fight through storms to stay together, and live happily ever after. But there are other kinds of stories, too, that are equally glorious. We just don't value them in the same way - but that's largely societal; at one time, people valued them quite highly. Those are the epics, and they tell the story of one person who battles and finds him- or herself against all odds, fights through storms to understand himself, and comes out clean on the other side. (See: Siddhartha, for example) Those are beautiful, inspiring, moving stories, too. It's a matter of reorienting your vision to not place more value on these fairy tales than on your own personal epic. That epic is richer, and more interesting, and more real, than any fairy tale could possibly be. And it's all yours. Narrate it how you will: you are the hero or heroine. Fight dragons, defend cities, seek enlightenment, travel, live, explore, learn. It makes for a far better story than the predictable three-act romance, and what's more, it doesn't preclude finding love again (unlike that limiting, predictable fairy tale pattern). It frees you. That is the point I was trying to make.
Author In Sync Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 Hi gang. Hi kittenmoon. We were together about 10 months total. There were many bumps in the relationship, that had to do with baggage we each carried going in, as well as distance (physical distance). I'm sorry. I didn't mean to depress anyone; I guess the point I was trying to make is that those of us who linger here are stuck in figuring out how we're part of someone else's story (e.g., did I "emprison" him, like Circe and the pigs?) or how to bring about the third act of the fairy tale, where the star-crossed lovers are, at last, reunited. But it's far more empowering to remember that we are actually writing our own stories. And it's hard to break free of certain story arc patterns, because we've been schooled in how to write these types of stories throughout our lives, by all the romantic stories we've read and heard and watched: we've been told that the story is about two people who find each other against all odds, fight through storms to stay together, and live happily ever after. But there are other kinds of stories, too, that are equally glorious. We just don't value them in the same way - but that's largely societal; at one time, people valued them quite highly. Those are the epics, and they tell the story of one person who battles and finds him- or herself against all odds, fights through storms to understand himself, and comes out clean on the other side. (See: Siddhartha, for example) Those are beautiful, inspiring, moving stories, too. It's a matter of reorienting your vision to not place more value on these fairy tales than on your own personal epic. That epic is richer, and more interesting, and more real, than any fairy tale could possibly be. And it's all yours. Narrate it how you will: you are the hero or heroine. Fight dragons, defend cities, seek enlightenment, travel, live, explore, learn. It makes for a far better story than the predictable three-act romance, and what's more, it doesn't preclude finding love again (unlike that limiting, predictable fairy tale pattern). It frees you. That is the point I was trying to make. I really liked your analogy here, as it touches upon that notion or idea that we wear blinders because we don't carry the belief of abundance of love ... "Those are beautiful, inspiring, moving stories, too." We focus on making our story right so we hang in it even when we see the red flags. Embracing the idea of writing my own personal epic does free me from hanging onto the fighting a windmill.
pricillia Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 i dont know...theres something missing from this. maybe its the wanting to love again. i want to love again....but its hard to want it when theres no one else i want to love. i think deep down, if i ever feel as strong about someone else as i do/did about my ex...it nullifies how i felt about her. "who cares" right? i dont know theres something in this that i cant seem to say correctly. Wow sick of it, I know how you feel, but it is time to take off the blinders as this way of thinking for me anyway got me into trouble as I have not been in a relationship in(i am embarrased to say) in more than 5 years. I have recently stopped sexual relations with a married man as I never let him get that close because I knew it would go on forever if I did, don't get me wrong we were friends at one point.. But my point is I think I missed out on some great opportunites to be and love some great guys out there. I let him get that close because I was afraid to love again. Try to let it go and maybe that will open another door for you...best of luck to you... Pricillia
J dub Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Just a thought to piggyback on In Sync's idea: Am I alone or has it happened to anyone else where, when I break up with someone (or they break up with me) I think to myself, I am never going to meet another who is as sweet, or caring, or loving, or understanding, or selfless, or adorable, or anyone who relates to me on the same level with life, love, happiness, humor, etc etc etc? I do this every single time. I do, and every single time, I find something better (and I have the tools I gained from previous relationships to apply to this one to make it that much better).
Author In Sync Posted March 27, 2006 Author Posted March 27, 2006 Just a thought to piggyback on In Sync's idea: Am I alone or has it happened to anyone else where, when I break up with someone (or they break up with me) I think to myself, I am never going to meet another who is as sweet, or caring, or loving, or understanding, or selfless, or adorable, or anyone who relates to me on the same level with life, love, happiness, humor, etc etc etc? I do this every single time. I do, and every single time, I find something better (and I have the tools I gained from previous relationships to apply to this one to make it that much better). Hey You, hello again. I remember your post to me back in the day when I was KO by my breakup and you wrote something so simply put but it stuck. "sometimes things are meant to happen for a reason.." Perhaps I'm not quoting you exactly but the essenced stayed with me, and I credit it to you. And guess what You were right. In fact I'm damn near close to saying it this particular breakup was the best thing to have happened to me. Because I have a different perspective on how I walked into the relationship with the ex, who I was when I was with him and how I grew as a result of my pain. Imagine if I had continued to stay in that unhealthy realtionship (wearing my blinders glued to my head) I would have been worse off emotionally and my self-esteem completely depleted. I believe now that the powers to be, call it whatever you want did not want that for me and the Narcissist did me a favor by ending it. No doubt about it. Now I'm grateful.
cal gal Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 The blinders are there for a specific purpose: They protect us (mind and/or heart) from the true reality and the pain the reality will bring.. That's why they say "ignorance is bliss!"
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