ItsGoneForMe Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I dont think I can ever fully love my husband again. He swears he didnt cheat, but I am not stupid. Regardless, he was spendig his time with another woman, not me, his wife. Even though I really wanted him to stay, I feel so alone. I dont know him any more. I look at him, see my husband, but feel differently about him. I get mad when I think about him putting his hands on another woman, and then wanting to put those same hands on me, I feel like he is so dirty. When he talks to me I hear blah blah blah because all he has ever done is lie to me. I dont feel a spark with him. I dont feel amazing when he touches me, allthough he says it feels great for him. I am not here, emotionally, this whole affair, his past actions, I think I might be falling out of love. I want to feel so much for him, but right now I cant. How do I know if this was it, the last straw? I never gets passionate kisses, long loving embraces, not even flowers. Not even for my birthday. Shouldnt he be doing this stuff? I want passion back in my life, and I just dont think my Husband will ever be that person I had it with. I myself am thinking of an affair. I have no one in particular and no plan, but I will not object if the situation were to happen, with someone worth it. I know take all the lies, unfaithfulness he has done to me and this I feel is justice for me. Too wrongs may not make a right, but it will feel so damn good trying. Maybe then, I wont hold myself so above him, and make it hard to forgive him. I would never tell him, it would be my little secret that I know I deserve and wont feel bad about.
get.mos Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Greetings: I've been visiting this forum for a few months now, but have not had the courage to chime in. Your post, however, was a bit saddening for me, as I am in the same boat. I also feel that a part of our relationship is gone, and I currently don't trust my husband. While I have no proof of a physical affair, my husband spent three weeks with another woman: 1.5 weeks staying at her place, another 1.5 weeks on a trip to Spain. (I have yet to share my story.) Upon his return, he has made a dramatic change, however, I have days/nights where I just don't see us working out. So, I am right there with you. To his credit, he is obviously giving 200% of himself; I myself less than 100%. When trust is out the window, where do you go? I have gone to a counselor, who has told me to not dwell on the past. But, at the same time, it is very difficult for me to just let go. I am embarassed, humiliated, ashamed. I wish I could give advice, but I suppose I would not visit this site with such regularity, if I could. My thoughts are with you.
OzGirl Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Hi, I'm just wondering how long it's been since the affair ended for you (or anyone else who may reply)? Has it been that you tried to make it work, but time has passed to make you feel that there's no point? Separately to my questions - if you're unhappy in your marriage, why do you feel an affair for yourself is an option? Is ending your marriage not an option? How much worse could ending it make you feel? You sound really sad already. I hope you find inspiration to take forward steps.
catgirl1927 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 if you're unhappy in your marriage, why do you feel an affair for yourself is an option? Is ending your marriage not an option? How much worse could ending it make you feel? You sound really sad already. I have the same question. Why cheat? Why not end it if it's gone that badly?
ItsGoneForMe Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 When trust is out the window, where do you go? I have gone to a counselor, who has told me to not dwell on the past. But, at the same time, it is very difficult for me to just let go. I am embarassed, humiliated, ashamed. Dwell on the past? No, it is called having feelings. We were lied to, left alone, betrayed, not thought of. We were insignificant in their selfish lives! Why didnt her call me, why didnt he emal me, why didnt he go away with me? How can we not think about these things? Then, look at our husbands, and know that they did this to us! Our love, our heart, our best friend, nothing but a lie. Thats the way I see it. Then I think of the children. I think of our family, and I do want it back. But, I just cant help feeling, if I were to have my "fun" then we are on the same level. I constantly judge him because I have been 100% faithful through everything damn thing he has done to me. No, its not that bad. He isnt a chronic cheater, a drinker, drug addict, bad father, or scum. He is a decent guy, responsible, great provider and I know that he is better than a lot of guys that are out there. I dont want to give that up. I want to stop feeling like this. period.
LoveNoLoss Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I am so sorry to read this post. I am sorry for your pain. You didn't give too many details. Have you been in counseling? Together? Please don't have an affair. It will cause so many problems. Believe me, my husband had 7 affairs and I ended up having one partly because of his previous actions in the marriage. Now we are divorced because the damage was so horrific. I really do understand how you feel about the lack of spark. This is quite normal when someone has destroyed you. How can you feel passionate towards someone that lied and cheated? I would wonder more if you did feel that way. I too wonder if it's possible to bring that "spark" or whatever it is back. I do believe something is lost forever. Whether some assemblance can be attained seems to be a personal one. It sounds like you have alot of issues to work out. You need to decide if working it out with your husband is worth it. You need to tell him what YOU want and see if he is able or willing to give it to you. He effed up so he has to fix it. If not, then I advise to move on. Please don't have an affair. It would only be out of anger and anger kills your soul. It would complicate an already complicated situation. Affairs are destructive to all parties involved. End your marriage and move on to someone that WILL give you flowers, cards, and respect you for who you are... ((((HUGS))))
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 i dont know the answer but i wouldnt take advice from a woman who let her husband have seven affairs!
Sal Paradise Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Sounds like you're just looking for an excuse to cheat. Why not just divorce him? There is never an excuse to cheat, EVER! Two wrongs do not make a right.
hurting miserable Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I am a man my wife wants to leave me not because of an affair but because I wouldn't deal with her emotional issues. I told her she was nagging. I have problems from my childhood that I am just realizing effect me to this day. They cause me to not connect emotionally and avoid conflicts just to name a few. I just realized the scope of our problems when my wife mentioned a divorce. God I love this woman with everything I have in me. I just told her what happened to me for years as a child she sees where some of my issues come from. but she says as of right now all the love has run out. Everytime I hear that I'd rather be stabbed. The pain is so great and true. I am doing all I can to salvage my marriage I can't eat I can't sleep its effecting my work. I say all this to say If you tell your husband you plan to leave if things don't work out he may shape up. It sounds like you guys had something real. I feel if he can get on your same page then you may have something to work for. Me on the other hand my wife is determined in her choice but is going with me to counseliing pray for me
Wintersbloom Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I am in the same boat as you both are. I have been going to counseling with my husband for months now. In the beginning she told me, nothing I did caused this and it was something my husband had to figure out. Now, when I mention reasons why I am still having a difficult time trusting him (such as his installing instant messengers on his pc again), I feel "blamed" for causing distance. Rather than my husband being asked to address these issues and deal with them. It feels like this counselor wants me to just ignore them and smile;/.
jmargel Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I want to stop feeling like this. period. Then having an affair is not going to give you what you really want. It may allow you to feel good for a very short period of time, but the guilt, the anger, the resentment will just intensive. You'll then be 'belittling' yourself by allowing yourself to have an affair and then blaming it on your husband on why 'he is the reason why you subjected yourself to it'. The whole thread screams communication. You need to talk, not just once but perhaps daily until you get this under control. Seems like you believe and feel that everything you two had together & now have is tainted because of the affairs and the way he is treating you. When you approach him, approach him with questions not accusations. Approach him in a way that'll give you all the information you need. Ask him the 'why it happened'. Kinda like getting to the root of the problem. It also comes down to each couple giving 100%. If they don't then the marriage just won't work. You need to set boundaries and enforce them. You can't 'make' him treat you in a certain way but that he should just 'want' to. If he doesn't then like I said before communication is a big factor. You need to take all this anger, resentment & hurt and push it into a positive light. Nothing you did or said caused him to do this to you. Don't base your own self-worth on what HE did. Once you two obtain better communication you can finally forgive him for what he did where by only then can you two actually start looking forward together as a couple.
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