sunnie23 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 hey guys, i've been with my boyfriend for four months. it was two months before we started having sex, and i was seriously concerned up and until it happened that he wasn't into me. at this point i know he's into me, i know he's attracted and i know he enjoys being with me. the problem is that he never initiates sex unless he's drunk. with exception to the weekends, we'll have sex maybe once a week. he is constantly calling, texting sweet messages and is very affectionate when we are together. it's almost like all of this is more important to him then having sex. this is weird to me because all of my other relationships have been extremely sexual. is this something that i should be worried about? or am i making a big deal out of nothing?
Author sunnie23 Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 i doubt that very much, i mean anything is possible but that is the last of my speculations.
MadDog Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 The dude is gay. I go with your analysis. This is a definite possibility. MD
blind_otter Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I dated a guy once, briefly, who had a low sex drive. He had a horrible surfing accident and lost a nut when he was 14. Seriously. I don't think it was lower testosterone, but the whole trauma of the incident and the months of pain in his crotchal area after the accident. In any event, if he's not suffering some biological issue (as with my one-balled ex), I would just talk to him. And I would be wondering if her were gay too. No offense.
prfrogkisser Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 To be GAY or not TO BE GAY? What is the answer? There is a problem with this guy if he can only perform while drunk. You need to ask him straight up why he only feels like having sex when he is under the influence of alcohol. He might be repressing bad memories. Maybe he has some personal performance issues or he was sexually abussed.If you really care for him you need to tell him how you feel and ask him to be honest. Maybe he wasnt ready to have sex. *****Usually gay men(believe me)wont even get close to a naked woman. The only ones who do are in the experimental confused stage of bisexuality.
MadDog Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 *****Usually gay men(believe me)wont even get close to a naked woman. The only ones who do are in the experimental confused stage of bisexuality. You've never heard of gay men that sleep with women and even marry them to stay in the closet? It happens more often that you'd think MD
SuperMonk Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 To be GAY or not TO BE GAY? What is the answer? *****Usually gay men(believe me)wont even get close to a naked woman. The only ones who do are in the experimental confused stage of bisexuality. Or if they're drunk. Ask him all you want, but you should use your woman powers to "test" his sexuality. Drag him to a gay bar, hire a male stripper, etc.
ms_jnj Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 *****Usually gay men(believe me)wont even get close to a naked woman. The only ones who do are in the experimental confused stage of bisexuality. Sometimes it happens. I was with a guy who was gay for five years. We had sex. It was infrequent and he only initiated when drunk. (OP: Perhaps you should take note.) He is definately not bisexual. He is Gay. He er...forced himself to perform through various techniques, I have since learned. He was using me so his conservative family wouldn't know he was gay. I've also been a part of a support group for female spouses/girlfriends of men who were gay...and those guys had sex with their wives and girlfriends too...believe ME on that one. Sometimes guys will go through a hell of a lot to hide their orientation from the world, including sleeping with women. OP: Anyway...no one could tell me at the time that he was gay, I wouldn't listen. So I understand how you "seriously doubt" that he could be gay. But he could be. It happens. The initiating when drunk is a BIG sign...think about it, he needs to be drunk to be able to face sex with a woman. I know it is impossible to tell a woman that her boyfriend or husband is gay, because I refused to be told, so all I can tell you is to be careful and watch out for yourself...and at the very least think about the possibility. You don't want to go through the pain of being with someone for a very long time who either a) is cheating on you with men or b) comes out to you later and leaves you because he is gay. Most likely, both. This happens so much more often than people are aware of...just be careful, and think about it that is all that I can tell you to help you avoid a seriously broken heart. Best of luck in solving your problem!
MadDog Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Oh my goodness! Do I know what I'm talking about or what? Member of the month here I come. MD
Author sunnie23 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 ok, so how do i approach the subject without freaking him out?
Author sunnie23 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 i should probably also mention that he CAN perform sober, and does, but it's usually me initiating the act.(i'll start rubbing his belly, kiss his neck, etc.) he'll take over from there. Once I open the door he's all about it, and enjoys it very much. Maybe I'm only making up excuses for him, but I have plenty of gay friends and I really don't think he is, some of them have even met him and didn't speculate anything at all, although at this point i suppose that's something only he can know. when we first strted dating i was extremely confused as to why he wasn't coming on to me. one night when i was out i ran into his best friend and confessed to him that we hadn't really done anything physical and i was doubting my bf's feelings. his friend told me that my bf is scared because he's only seriously been with one other girl and she hurt him immensely, but that he was completely in love with me. i don't know if that's even relevant info, maybe i'm just in denial. all i know is i love the guy so no matter what ends up happening i'm sticking around to find out. i guess i just need to know how to approach the whole thing.
Guest Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Hi. I was in a similar situation, and let me reassure you there is a whole spectrum of possiblity out there aside from "he's gay." And yes, his past relationship may have played some role in this. Although low sex drives in males are not spoken of much (and that is probably partly because no one ever dares admit a problem exists,) there are any number of factors which could be contributing to the condition. If you want to learn more, do a google on "low male sex drive," but to tide you over here is a little bit of reading to put your mind at ease: http://www.diagnose-me.com/cond/C477282.html As to how to approach, I would recommend with great caution. Men get very embarassed by those kind of conversations. If you just blurt out "why don't you want me??" it may serve to make the problem even worse because now he is trying too hard to prove you wrong. I think you should seriously consider consulting a medical professional for some advice before confronting him. It could very well be nothing at all is wrong, and he just simply has lower testosterone or higher priorities than the typical male.
Impreflection Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Hi. I was in a similar situation, and let me reassure you there is a whole spectrum of possiblity out there aside from "he's gay." And yes, his past relationship may have played some role in this. Although low sex drives in males are not spoken of much (and that is probably partly because no one ever dares admit a problem exists,) there are any number of factors which could be contributing to the condition. If you want to learn more, do a google on "low male sex drive," but to tide you over here is a little bit of reading to put your mind at ease: http://www.diagnose-me.com/cond/C477282.html As to how to approach, I would recommend with great caution. Men get very embarassed by those kind of conversations. If you just blurt out "why don't you want me??" it may serve to make the problem even worse because now he is trying too hard to prove you wrong. I think you should seriously consider consulting a medical professional for some advice before confronting him. It could very well be nothing at all is wrong, and he just simply has lower testosterone or higher priorities than that of the typical male.
Guest Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 No you are not making a big deal out of nothing. Sounds like you are dating my ex. I feel compelled to write to you, because I completely feel your pain sista. Now I know exactly where you are at and I hope my advice can help you a little. First of all, you need to talk to him about it. I did. We had been dating for 2 months at that point and I seriously was ready to walk....I was so confused. We got along terrific, huge attraction, he could not get enough of me...but we still had not been intimate, and it wasn't for the lack of trying. I had never run into this situation before...ever. He was a catch, great guy...super affectionate, thoughtful, all the good things you look for in a mate. The only problem was that he was so uninterested in having sex. I brought it up and felt very nervous, but also believe that communication in key. I asked him to please be straight with me. We talked openly. He was extremely uncomfortable, as he should be. He gave me a bunch of reasons, he was stung bad by ex, he just hasn't felt his sex-drive lately, felt guilt from a bad affair earlier that year. I took it all in, and was happy we brought it up...but in the end I hoped that it would help me understand him a little better and help our sex life improve. All it did, was pressure him into putting out. I think that he might of felt that his man-hood was called into question and that he needed to have sex in order to keep me around. After 2 months, we finally slept together. After that, I hoped that the flood gates would open. They never did. It got to the point that I really started to resent him. It wasn't fair...but I constantly felt shot down. The more time went on, the more aggressive I became. What normally would be a fantasy for most men, did nothing for him. I would try anything to get him going...he would get revved up...but then have to go home, or some bulls*** excuse. I don't know what the female equivalent to blue balls is...but I had them bad. I thought I could handle not having an intimate relationship...that maybe in time things would change. If they were infact trust issues, he would feel more comfortable around me. He never did, and I came to realize that as close as he was to being my dreamboat....I'd like to be with someone who wants me, and makes me feel sexy. Its a hard place to be, in your situation. I was with this guy for 4 months, we had sex twice. Since we split, we have remained good friends. Now that I am out of a relationship with him I can see a little more clearly. I always said there was no chance that he was gay....but it's always a possibility. If that is the case, I hope he comes to terms with his own sexuality and starts living his life. It is a possibility, maybe he just doesn't know it yet. Like most of the posters have said,"it could be alot of things". For sure it can. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't satisfy you, and leaves you feeling like poo? I know it's not how he wants to make you feel....but its true, isnt it. There are alot of factors that come into play with a relationship....and SEX my dear is pretty important. Talk to him. Take care of yourself. Good Luck!
max003 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 hi, i can relate completely to you. im living with my boyf and i have to beg for sex. when i try to intiate it, he pushes me away and says he's tired. I am so horny, i am seriously considering getting myself a little bit on the side. I have told him so many times how unwanted, unloved and s***e he makes me feel. We have sex once a week and it never lasts longer then half an hour. i take the point that raising the issue is 'challenging his masculinity', what about my needs though? Every woman deserves someone who makes her feel special and loved, thats what men are for! i dont know what to do, it makes me cry when i think he cant be bothered to touch me. it hurts so much to know he would rather watch the news then show me how much he loves me. I resent it so much when he says my nagging (which i dont) is putting it off, blaming me for his failure/refusal to perform is driving a bigger wedge between us.
MusicWoman Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 you know...he doesn't have to be gay....there a probably hundreds of posts on LS about wives and fiances and girlfriends who don't want to have sex as often as the men would like. Why can't it be acceptable to go the other way too? I mean, you don't see posts all the time about 'maybe your wife is a lesbien' because she won't have sex. For the record, my first boyfriend ever is gay...and he couldn't keep his hands off me at all. I think it was more of a overcompensating thing...i dunno
blind_otter Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 you know...he doesn't have to be gay....there a probably hundreds of posts on LS about wives and fiances and girlfriends who don't want to have sex as often as the men would like. Why can't it be acceptable to go the other way too? I mean, you don't see posts all the time about 'maybe your wife is a lesbien' because she won't have sex. For the record, my first boyfriend ever is gay...and he couldn't keep his hands off me at all. I think it was more of a overcompensating thing...i dunno Well, it's more the norm for people who have been involved for a long time. Not in new relationships. IME.
SmoochieFace Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 The dude is gay. Based on what, may I ask. Enlighten me with your *expert* knowledge on this please.
Author sunnie23 Posted April 28, 2006 Author Posted April 28, 2006 well, it's been almost six months now and things have gotten much better. i think i neglected to mention in my original post that we both still live with our parents. i've noticed that whenever the opportunity arises, we get it on. and it's fantastic. so i'm chalking it up to us not having our own space to get things done.
blind_otter Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 well, it's been almost six months now and things have gotten much better. i think i neglected to mention in my original post that we both still live with our parents. i've noticed that whenever the opportunity arises, we get it on. and it's fantastic. so i'm chalking it up to us not having our own space to get things done. Well yeah, this is a big missing piece of information. If I lived with my parents I probably would never have sex.
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