Has anyone moved on - without the MM?

[OzGirl]

Hi, I don't know if there would be any readers of this forum who this applies to, but, I'm curious to know if anyone has left a relationship with a MM to commence a normal monogomous relationship with someone else? If so, specifically what I want to know - is it "better" in general, or is it just something you feel you settle for?

 

I feel nothing but repulsion towards the thought of my ex-MM (whom I've not seen in around 8 months, and have NC with anymore). But, I also feel like no one else will ever measure up to how it felt when I was seeing the MM. In other words, I'm of the thinking now that the feelings I used to have - which were magical and blissful, a constant state of elation, etc, will not return inside me.

 

I don't see myself trusting that feeling (should it return) within myself. If I sense I'm having a great time, I feel like it will just being showing me the magnitude of scale in which that person can hurt me.

 

I know this makes no sense in some ways. Once bitten, twice shy, shouldn't really apply if the biting was done as me as an OW (it's not the same situation).

 

But, being alone I deal with. Being hurt again, I don't know if I could survive it all over again.

 

Anyway, back to my point. I'm looking for a sense of possibility, and wondering if anyone here can say being an OW is now just a dot in their ocean, and life has really moved on to be deeper and more meaningful with a new man.

 

Thanks for responding - I read, very intently, all posts to my questions and cannot thank you enough for the candid, raw and real things people say in these forums. I don't feel like a such a freak for having made some really phenomally bad choices in my life knowing other people can relate to that feeling, too.

 

Reconciling the last 12 months has been the single most emotionally draining time of my life. I have been non-functional in every facet of everything I thought I once knew as being part of every day life, and am really in no mans land now.

 

I need inspiration with a focus on the future. Anyone who can offer me their version of that, please share.

 

[Guest]

I sincerely hope that it is possible to move on, without your MM. I am in the same position right now, we don't 'see' each other anymore and haven't for 51 days now....and I am still shattered and in pain.

 

I too wonder if anyone else out there can live up to what we had together.

 

I certainly shudder at the thought of finding another man...I am just not interested in anyone else but him, I don't want to be with anyone else.

 

I wish you lots of love and luck

[Walking away]

I am also in your situation. I am really, really, really trying to move on without my MM. I, too, am shattered.

 

I feel the same. Can anyone live up to what we had? I've certainly had other relationships in my life, but none have compared to what we shared. I realize that I would be no good for any other right now....My wounds are very fresh and painful. And, I do not relish ever going through this magnitude of pain ever again. So, sadly, at this point, I feel as though I wish to throw in the towel. Perhaps my feelings will change someday, but for now I am repulsed by men.

 

Hugs to you...

[TheDiva]

I was the OW. I am now years removed from the situation. I posted before on the "OW/Guilt" thread that while in the A I didn't feel the guilt. Boy that sounds bad huh? But it is the truth. After the A dissolved, the guilt ate at me. I had the grand love while the A was ongoing. ex MM was the ultimate package for me Afterward I was completely heartbroken and thought my heart could never be repaired. I eventually forgave myself and forgave him for our equal parts in the affair. I cannot give that a time frame as to when it happend. I reinstated my religious beliefs and that sustained me. But something was still missing. I couldn't trust any man that even so much as glanced in my direction. Love would NEVER happen for me. I promised myself I would never get married, never have children, never be in the position of the W, Never trust anyone....... I ended up doing a lot of self evaluation. I did not like the person the affair had turned me into. I was bitter and angry at the world in general. I had a lot of self persecution going on full force inside of myself.

 

Slowly I started to realize that I was young,(boy was I ever young, not just in physical age either ) my life could be anything I made it out to be. I was heading down a path of despair and started taking steps to turn it around. I moved away. I got on with life, went back to school, took care of other people. Re-realized my self worth and my worth to other people in general. (Please don't let this be misconstrued that I think you have a low self esteem) I accepted dates, even though I didn't really want too and even had a few short lived relationships. It was a learning experience. I found out my limits of what I would deal with, what was not acceptable for a relationships for me.

 

Then one day I realized that I couldn't even remember the exact date that the A ended It no longer mattered to me anymore. That was when I realized I had come back to me. It happend so slowly that I didn't even know it was was going on. But the realization was like a bolt of lightning! Which was kind of sad in a way. It had me thinking, maybe it wasn't "real love". It was kind of scary in many ways. What if it wasn't love? Did I really know what love was? Would I feel those feelings again for him if I came face to face with him? So many questions!

 

I suppose it was easier for me, then for you OzGirl. My ex MM threw my love away when push came to shove by denying the child we had created. But the love didn't just disappear, it dissolved over time. I went 3 steps forward and 4 steps back for a long time.

 

 

Anyway, back to my point. I'm looking for a sense of possibility, and wondering if anyone here can say being an OW is now just a dot in their ocean, and life has really moved on to be deeper and more meaningful with a new man.

 

Yes! To use your phrasing, my being the OW is now just a speck in the ocean of life. Futhermore that speck only exists on the opposite side of the ocean. I am now married with children ( remember I promised myself I wouldn't ever do those things:laugh: ) Don't doubt that my marriage has its problems, but its about as perfect as it will ever be. I have been honest with my H about my past and he has been honest with me. We both found out that we have been "The Other" to married people and we even had some deep discussions about what drove us in those relationships. We both understand that A could even happen to one or both of us. But we have commited to each other to keep the communication flow in all aspects of our life. I did not settle at all. I am deeply in love with my H:love: and understand that he has the power to hurt me so much, but I trust as my H and my best friend that he won't. It may be stupid, but I do love him and I am willing to put my head on the so called Chopping Block for that love. Everything about my relationship with my H has been better. Before our marriage and after. I hadn't realized how much I was destroyed in the A relationship until it was all over. Now I have a MM that uplifts me, and encourages me in all aspects and I call him Husband.

 

So I guess what I am saying, very badly I might add, is that one day it can happen for you, and I have faith that it will happen. If you want a healthy relationship in the future then take care of you first. You are number one! Once you have taken care of you, everything else pretty much fall into place. Oh and never again give any man more of you than he deserves to have. If he can't see what a wonderful human being you are, lose him. Don't give him all of you if he can't give you all of him!

 

 

I hope that was uplifting enough I am having my own troubles and a hard time keeping my thoughts focused. Hugs to you OzGirl!

[TheDiva]

I am also in your situation. I am really, really, really trying to move on without my MM. I, too, am shattered.

 

I feel the same. Can anyone live up to what we had? I've certainly had other relationships in my life, but none have compared to what we shared. I realize that I would be no good for any other right now....My wounds are very fresh and painful. And, I do not relish ever going through this magnitude of pain ever again. So, sadly, at this point, I feel as though I wish to throw in the towel. Perhaps my feelings will change someday, but for now I am repulsed by men.

 

Hugs to you...

 

 

As a lurker I have been reading your posts Walking Away, and I just wanted to tell you this post makes me sad:( You have so much to offer in a relationship I am very sure of that, but MM has taken a piece of you that can never be replaced. You have such a great attitude about the whole experience, and I have no doubt you will make it through this difficult time. Your posts have shown your strength, intelligence, and a wonderful sense of humor. With or without a man, I have faith that one day you will be completely happy. HUGS to you...

[Walking away]

Diva,

 

Hugs right back at you....I needed to hear that today...

 

I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Some days are better than others. Thank you for seeing the real me. It encourages me to stay strong and hold my head high.

 

Hugs again....and THANK YOU.

[Guest]

Hello

This is RedRose.

I dumped my MM after 3 years & 1 1/2 years of broken promises that he is going to leave. I left him a few months ago & now i am dating a wonderful, SINGLE, AVAILABLE man.

 

I met him on match.com & we have been together 1 month now. It feels soooooooooo good to not be going threw all that pain that i used to go threw last year.

 

I never thought i'd get away from my MM, but i aventually got fed up & didn't want it anymore.

 

Life is wonderful now & I think my new man, may be 'the one'

[OzGirl]

I am also in your situation. I am really, really, really trying to move on without my MM. I, too, am shattered.

 

WA- I know this won't necessarily make you feel better, but you have said in your post, word for word, how I feel, too, right now. Shattered is something I've just become. Where's my smile? The joy found in small things? The shy girl who blushes at a man's compliment? It's ALL absent, and has been now for long enough that I wonder if this is just who I am now?

 

The frown lines and puffy eyes I didn't used to have - are they a reminder of what else is permantly changed inside me? I hate this, I HATE THIS. I hate that I'm not happy, and worse still, I hate that I seem to be accepting it because I've failed to fix it, or be inspired to see the benefits if I do. It's only setting myself up for failture again?

 

I don't want to sound like a martyr, and I don't like feeling like a victim. I'm not. I'm just in a stagnant place and seem to have found it's less effort to exist here - I'm sick of being exhausted by this. I don't think it's "won", but I do think I don't want to fight the pain anymore.

 

IPerhaps my feelings will change someday, but for now I am repulsed by men.

 

Me too. They are all the enemy at the moment. Academically, this seems so absurd to me. Emotionally, it seems like a normal protective instinct. I seem to find calmness in iscolation.

 

I went to a party last weekend - first time out alone - nightclubs, the whole thing - with a great group of people who mostly, I'd not met before, and of mixed gender. My friends kept asking me what was wrong all night. It was irritating me. I wasn't drinking alcohol, because I was fearful it would make me emotional and it was not the time or the place to get that way. I had a man try and "chat me up". I just kept looking at him wondering if he had a girlfriend at home who trusted him to be faithful to her. I left the party early and walked some streets alone, just looking at all the other party revellers around me - mostly younger than me, thinking will I ever feel festive again? These boys are just idiots in the making, and the girls are victims in the waiting.

 

It's ridiculous. I read this like it's someone else's thoughts.

[OzGirl]

We both found out that we have been "The Other" to married people and we even had some deep discussions about what drove us in those relationships. We both understand that A could even happen to one or both of us. But we have commited to each other to keep the communication flow in all aspects of our life. I did not settle at all.

 

Diva - your entire post was awesome - thank you for taking the time to tell it. This bit above - that really seemed to make sense. They say ("they" being the likes of Dr Phil, etc) that we are all more similar than we are different. That's why psychologists generally know that humans will behave, given the same parameters, similarly to each other.

 

The more I hear things like this, the more I realise there's hope and this just might not last forever - the horrible place I'm in right now.

 

I just want to be normal, whatever the hell that's supposed to be.

[gypsycat]

You will be normal just give it time.

 

I'm 2 years removed from my MM, it was incredibly painful for about 6 months, for another 6 months I had some degree of pain, and for the last 12 months I have felt absolutely nothing for that relationship and I honestly thought that would never ever happen.

 

I am now in a great relationship since last summer with an available guy and it so perfectly obvious to me now how crazy the other relationship was. The two relationships just don't compare and I can't believe I put myself through that.

 

Best of luck to you. At the time people told me time heals all wounds and I didn't believe them. It does.

 

I wanted to add some comments on your "repulsed by men". I went through a stage where I was completely sworn off men forever, I trusted none of them and I wouldn't have anything to do with them and I thought I was happy that way. Became involved in a FWB "relationship" because I couldn't handle any kind of emotional attachment. Eventually though a guy came along and I think it was the right time and place in my head for it but he has been great. I think this avoiding men thing is part of the healing process but it passes. By the way I would definitely not recommend a FWB arrangement either, although I came out of mine quite successfully and we are still good friends as though it was nothing more than that ever.

[Aaurora80]

The Diva - your post gives me so much hope and inspiration. I truly thank you for your words here and I hope so much that one day I will be able to lift my head and put my A behind me. It has only been two months for me since the end and some days are just so painful, days like today....I am very bitter towards men right now. I see that they are all capable of having an A and how could I ever trust another one.

 

Sometimes I do think...if I did get my MM, would be eventually cheat on me like he was doing to his W? And I would have to think that possibly, yes.

 

he is just so selfish. I am going through so much emotional pain from the separation and he is just carrying on as per normal. He doesn't give me the time of day or acknowledge my heartache.

 

OzGirl - I can totally relate to your post. I too wonder where is the girl that used to be me. Where did she go? She is gone. I hope she comes back soon as I don't like the sad, depressed girl that has taken her place.

[RedRose3373]

HI

 

I was in a relationship with my MM for over 3 years.

I left him a few months ago cause i've had it, i was done, fed up.

 

A month later i met a great man on match.com & things have been going really well. I don't miss my MM at ALL!!

 

It feels so good to be with an available SINGLE man!

 

If i could do it, anyone can!

There is a life waiting for u after the affair!

[TheDiva]

Diva - your entire post was awesome - thank you for taking the time to tell it. This bit above - that really seemed to make sense. They say ("they" being the likes of Dr Phil, etc) that we are all more similar than we are different. That's why psychologists generally know that humans will behave, given the same parameters, similarly to each other.

 

The more I hear things like this, the more I realise there's hope and this just might not last forever - the horrible place I'm in right now.

 

I just want to be normal, whatever the hell that's supposed to be.

 

 

Thank you OzGirl, I know I missed a lot of stuff yesterday, I am just having a hard time focusing on my tasks. Very bad for work:laugh:

 

Normal is relative... for various reasons I really don't like that word.

 

I hope it comes out the way I am thinking it when I say that you are in the place you need to be in. All this horrible stuff you are going through has a reason. It's awful to go through, but it is probably the way you personally need to deal with it. Your heart and mind know you better than anyone else. It has choosen this way to handle the situation. Self preservation maybe?

 

 

 

I believe that a lot of the aftermath of Affairs, depend on the way it ends. From various sources, I have seen that some women can move on easier in certain circumstances. Like for instance RedRose3373 {Sorry;) can ya forgive me Red?I have read your threads even with the various screennames} Proud to see you've moved on btw.

 

I was in a relationship with my MM for over 3 years.

I left him a few months ago cause i've had it, i was done, fed up.

 

I think this is where you need to be when the affair officially ends. When all the hope is lost. When you have had more than enough. When the bad completely outweighs all the good in the relationship. When the change has to happen or you will lose your sanity. When you are so completely fed up that the A HAS TO END is when it is easiest to move on. If you haven't reached that point when the end comes it's crippling to think about even trying to move on.

 

I have seen all the threads where RedRose said she was done, couldn't take it anymore. But they were just words when she said them. She still had hope to hold onto. Little by little that hope was eroded with her MM's lack of action and various stall tactics. Then one day the straw that broke the camels back came, and with mind, body and soul in unison she said I AM DONE. That was it, that was her cue to move on. I would venture a guess that most of her grieving was done while still in the A. (I may be wrong. If I am, I am sorry.)

 

 

Even as bad as exMM hurt me, I wasn't completely ready to end it when the first ending came. I went back briefly, only to be punished more. The stress caused me to have a miscarriage. That was my straw. Just the thought of hearing his voice made me want to.

 

 

Even though I was done at that point it still took a long time for me to get over it. So it really just depends on you. Don't think there is something wrong with you because you're not where you "should" be emotionally! You can and will find a special someone that will see the special person you are, but you won't until YOU are ready. That could be tomorrow, next week or ten years from now. And you know what? It is all "NORMAL." There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep walking.

[Owl]

I'd like to post a suggestion to all the ladies who are trying to deal with the recent (<1 year) loss of their relationship with ANY man...MM/OM/single perfect guy who just didn't work out.

 

Go to a book shop, and pick up "The Five Languages of Love". And right there in the shop, read chapter #2. It's short, you can do it quickly right there in the store.

 

It talks about love (go figure! ). It talks about different kinds/types of love feelings that we all sum up with the word "love". And what you all are describing is what it refers to as "in love" feelings.

 

Here's the kicker. These feelings are not designed to last...period. No matter how perfect the relationship, these feelings fade into other, more stable feelings over time. Normally that time is <2 years for most relationships...but seem to be longer in 'illicit' or 'clandestine' relationships that are stunted in growth because of the limited contact and interaction created by those situations. Most of the time, affairees are truly able to freely interact a very small portion of time compared to the time spent with spouse/family/etc... So that distorts the 'timetable' of these relationships compared to a 'normal' one.

 

What I'm trying to say is that these feelings CAN come back with another person. It's the EXACT SAME KIND OF FEELING YOU HAD WITH YOUR FIRST CRUSH/LOVE when you were young. When you had your 'first love' and it ended, you were heartbroken, sobbing, convinced that you'd never love anyone again. But you did (most do, anyway).

 

Take a look at the chapter in the book I'm suggesting...see if it helps you gain some perspective on your feelings and what you're dealing with.

 

This isn't a bash, this isn't saying that what you're feeling doesn't hurt, or isn't crushing...not at all. I do NOT underestimate the sheer heartache you're going through...simply suggesting a way to help you put it more into perspective for yourself so that you can deal with it.

 

Hope this helps.

[RedRose3373]

Yes Diva

My grieving was done during the relationship.

I didn't grieve much after i walked away.

I was done, fed up & wanted to move on without him

 

Once i get like that i just walk away & never look back.

He is standing right in front of my desk now, as i am typing this

& u know what ladies, I DON'T FEEL A THING!!!!

[OzGirl]

This is bizarre timing. The ex-MM rang me out of the blue saying he knew I wasn't dealing with this well, and that he did this to me, so he wants to help me feel better - help me get through the abandonment.

 

I'm dumb-founded. Is he REALLY that much of an idiot? I asked him that question and he thought I was joking. I said "I'm not joking". Then, I ended the phone call after telling him to just f*ck off.

 

Anyway, it's irrelevent and really makes no difference to how I feel overall.

 

It's been good to hear other people's stories - the first parts on how you felt at the time are exactly how I feel now. But, this is all making me feel better.

 

I think for now I just need time to myself - and need not worry about the possibility of future relationships. At this stage, I've enough to worry about. I'm renovating a house, so will continue to do that and be proud of the small triumphs I'm having along the way. It took me almost 2 hours to fix a shelf to a wall the other day. The bracket was upside down, they weren't square, the shelves weren't level, I missed the nails whilst trying to hammer them in and consquently damaged the surrounding wall, and then when ALL that was fixed, the damned thing wasn't level. I was SO annoyed, but I fixed my mistakes, got it up eventually straight and perfect, and patched and painted the walls so that you can't see any imperfections now. I don't give up easily, and have blind faith in myself to give anything a try (providing there is an instruction manual in ENGLISH, unlike what accompanied my shelves). It all reminds me how single I am - no one around to help. But, I must admit, there's something quietly rewarding to know when it's done - I did it all by myself.

 

Maybe, all by myself is going to turn out to be good fortune. My ex-MM's wife is not granting herself that luxury, and I'm sure she doesn't know about the token phone call I received from him. Nice man to be married to.

 

Not.

 

I'm following the lead of all who've posted here, and really, I hope I'm telling the same stories of healing and moving onward and upward to other lost souls who are asking the same questions here one day.