JamesM Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 There is good arguments for both sides here. Since you have been together for 3 1/2 years, I would consider you committed. And since it is eating you up or it did in your first post, I have to lean towards telling. Now here is the thing. She will freak. Why? Because she will wonder if you can be trusted. However, two things are at play here. Can you be trusted? Do you feel you want be faithful to her? These are both serious questions. I noticed the more you posted, the more you became decisive in not telling her. Is this because people said it was okay not to tell? I actually can see their argument, but for your sake, you will wonder to yourself if you CAN be faithful. It has been said already, but you WILL feel like you can get away with it again if you don't tell. I know. So, IMHO you should tell. However, you know yourself. But remember, if you don't volunteer the information, someone else may. This WILL be worse.
soitgoes Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I have been cheated on multiple times, and in VERY bad ways. Every time I found out from someone else or just caught him- I never once found out from my boyfriend. It is HORRIBLE!!!! And also something that I held with me our entire relationship. Apart from feeling anger and hurt you feel shame and ignorance- especially if you find out from a mutual friend. I think you should sit her down and say something. You didn't sleep with this girl so it is not that bad. I think that if she knows how much this has effected you and how much you love her it would mean more to her for you to be honest. It is obvious that you love her so maybe this is the time to sit and discuss your relationship and realize how big your hearts are for each other. How could you be sure that this has never happened to her? If not with you possibly in a past relationship and she was having trouble figuring it all out as well? All I can say is that if my boyfriend loved me as much as you love your girlfriend and he was honest with me first and it was as trivial as you say I would respect him so much more as a person. A relationship is built on trust and it you are thinking "life long" with this girl you should realize that if you lose even a little trust you can never get it back. That is what will happen if she finds out from someone else- she will never be able to really trust you again.
Ladylay Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 A couple years ago, I was told that I was kissing an 18-year old boy in a night club. I totally don't remember the guy, don't even know what he looked like. Altogether they said I acted normally that night, except for the fact that I had a full blackout. My good friend drove me home so I know I didn't end up in bed with this boy. It never happened to me to have sex that I regretted due to a drunken state though... or at least if I've had it, I don't remember it so all is good! :lmao: sorry I know I should not laugh. Drink so makes you lose you inhabitions. If you were sober you would probably never have done that. To the Op I think give up or cut down on the drink.
hooghie Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I wouldn't tell her. Deal with your guilt and learn from it. You say she won't leave you if you tell her- maybe that is true, but will she ever trust you again? Will she hold it against you for years and years to come? Will there alwasy be doubt in her head? If it were me- I would drop you and even if I decided not to, there would always be a part of me that wouldn't trust you. If you DO decide to tell her- good for you. Telling her IS the right thing to do- even if it costs you your relationship....but I still wouldn't if I were you
brightskies Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 You need to tell her. She deserves the right to make her own decision on whether she should stay with you or leave. And in order to make the right decision, she needs to be informed. You shouldn't be deciding for her, especially since you screwed up. It was a mistake on your part, but don't make it a bigger mistake by being even more selfish and keeping this from her. It'll weigh on your mind, affect your behavior, and affect your relationship negatively regardless. If you really care about her then don't treat her worse by continuing this deception. How can you learn from this? Just remember that if you're in a committed relationship, then you don't fool around with other people, drunk or sober. Period. That's why it's called a "committed relationship." If you get the urge to mess around for any reason, either work things out with your gf or break up first.
Guest Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Tough call, but heres some experience speaking. I have been married for 11 years going on 12. Prior to marriage, I cheated on my Girlfreind "now wife" in a drunken haze. I never told her. Then I did it again...never told her...again........ I ended up having a long affair in marrriage with a girl at work...got caught. Now my life is a mess. I dont know the lesson here. I think..maybe.. if i ihad faced the first experience with honesty, my self loathing and guilt wouldnt have led me down the path of more cheating. I made awful choices and hated myself with each one. It was never becau9se I di0dnt love my wife.. i just didnt know how to. My wife and i are trying to work it out. I have begun recovring from alcoholism and made other changes, but the betrayal and guilt looms large. You made a mistake. You sound commited to her. Move on from your guilt. She doesnt need to know IF you are truly sorry. If you believe in God, ask him for firgiveness and move on. If it happens again, then you have BIG issues, probably witih yourself, not her. Free her from your pain if you feel the need to be with others. I never did, and caused much pain for her and everyone in the long run. My marriage is coming to an end because of my own inability to face and handle guilt and my selfishness..
grateful Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 ebrius, I have been in a similar sitution. I am a woman who kissed another man and I chose not to tell my fiance. I maintained phone contact with him and definitely came close to falling into an affair, but after repeatedly turning him down for more he stopped calling. I am not planning to tell my fiance. It was a kiss, not sex, so no STD. When I finally extricated myself from the almost affair I felt so much guilt but I couldn't hurt him by telling him. I didn't want to screw up what we have. It's been more than a month since the other man stopped calling and I've almost forgotten about it. I know that most of the LS posters think this is eeeeeeeeevil and mean and despicable and selfish and means I will likely do it again. I only agree with one of those things - it is selfish but I feel it is right for my relationship. I'm over the major guilt now, but I do have enough of it to prevent me from ever doing it again. People are sometimes selfish and do stupid things. Life is lived in the grey and not black and white. If something like this happened to my fiance I'd probably not want to know about it, because it was stupid, and selfdestructive and selfish but it had everything to do with me and not my siginficant other. If he knew about it he would feel like it had to do with him and it really, really doesn't. He is everything I want. I just became a cakewoman (wanting to have my cake and eat it to, in case you haven't come across these threads about the "cakeman" cause he is usually male). That worked and is working for me. If you feel you might do it again, the best thing to do is tell your girlfriend because that will prevent it from happening. If I am tempted again, I will definitely come clean because that is the best way to prevent affairs. But for right now this is definitely best for me. You requested people with similar experience (no sex cheating). Hope my experience helps.
Author ebrius Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 Thanks again for all the replies. It has helped immensely. I am most definately still dealing with guilt, but am confident I will learn from this.
YellowLioness Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 I'm not relgious, but I think you all should chill out with that crap. Whatever decision he makes, trying to guilt him will only make him leave LS. Ok, that was my harshness for the day. NOW, onto your post Big E... You know...whether it's right or wrong if you tell her, it's your choice. Ya need to do what you can live with. PERSONALLY, I have a big mouth. So, if I messed up, I couldn't keep it secret. I feel that if you keep a secret like that, you are allowing that other person to live a lie- IE You are taking away their power to choose whether to be with you or not. I couldn't live that way. I would feel like crapola all the time. And, truthfully, that's me being selfish. AND, regardless of whether you are relgious or not, there are consequences to whatever actions you commit (ie Karma). (when I say "you" i'm speaking generally). ON THE OTHER SIDE- What is the point in telling her? Honestly, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that your relationshiop will be ruined if you do. If you have wide shoulders for carrying around mass ammounts of guilt, for example when she says, "Baby, I love you and only you. I could never see me doing this with anyone else!" How would you react to that? IF you don't tell her, you will have to lie to her. And, you will have to live the rest of your relationship that way. Personally, I think tha would be equally as gut wrenching as telling her. See...one lie ends up creating a plethora of lies... anyway... I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a good person who put himself in a bad situation. Who hasn't done that? Just make sure that whatever choice you make you can live with . I have no personal involvment in this, and the examples I gave are fairly common things in relationships. Take care and good luck.
Sal Paradise Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Thanks again for all the replies. It has helped immensely. I am most definately still dealing with guilt, but am confident I will learn from this. Can't learn from something when you're dishonest. If you learned from it you would of told her already. A coward hides from their mistakes. A real man would tell his gf if he truly loved her.
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