ebrius Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I feel like scum. A few days ago I got stupid drunk, and fooled around with another girl. I have had a girlfriend for 3 and a half years though that I love deeply. We did not have sex, just kissing and some "petting". Of course you can expect me to say all the typical things. But it is true that I feel awful. It was a stupid stupid mistake that I regret and would take back in an instant. This was purely a physical thing, I have no romantic interest in the other girl. I put myself in a bad situation and realize I have to deal with this guilt. I can not see myself telling my girlfriend. I'm sure some could make the argument that it is the right thing to do, but I will not be able to fess up. It is selfish, but I do not want the possibility that she leaves me over this. I am not a bad person, and am a good boyfriend aside from this. If I was in the position that I might do it again, then it would be another story. But I am truly remorseful. An isolated incident, but I can't help but feel like such a low life. By telling her, I risk losing her or at least altering our relationship. I can say wholeheartedly that I am commited to this relationship. I would love to hear any advice anyone has. I have had a pit in my throat for the past 4 days, and can't stop being down on myself. I feel sorry for my girlfriend, but most of all, I feel as though I am less of a person. I keep trying to tell myself that people make mistakes, and that my intentions are honorable, but I can't stop beating myself up over this. I know what I did is wrong, there is no denying that. Also, I would like to know is how I can learn from this and possibly make it a positive. I know cheating is not a good thing, but perhaps I can grow from it. If anyone has any suggestions or comments, please let me know.
bullhunter Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 You really should tell your girlfriend. If you intend a longterm relationship, it's not fair to either of you not to have complete honesty. It will be more than difficult, and yes, you could lose her. She deserves the truth, though, and so do you. If there is ANY chance she could learn from another source, than you absolutely must tell her as quickly as possible. But whether she could learn about it elsewhere or not, you should confess and show her your sorrow over what you did.
Citizen Erased Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 DON'T TELL HER!!! I have been through this and I wish I had of not gone through the hurt and pain. You made out with someone. DONT BE SO STUPID EVER AGAIN. Do not let yourslef get into these situations. There is always a point where you can either say yes or no and you need to choose the right path.
OzGirl Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 If you don't tell her, you will be carrying around guilt, and will know within yourself that you value her too much to lose her or be tempted away from her again whilst you're with her. If you do tell her, you will have all that PLUS, she will be upset, and may not forgive you. I'm sure I'll get some flack for this attitude, but I think that many men stray - be it physically, emotionally, or whatever. You're lucky it was only on a short, meaningless and mild level that you did it. Maybe, now, for the rest of your life, you will never do this on any level again for having learnt your lesson. And, you'll be fortunate to not have had to deal with infidelity when kids are involved. And, ask ANY man who's been caught by his wife... this is not a lesson on how to get away with it. Just accept that you made a mistake, take notice of the feelings it's giving you, and in future, keep your hands to yourself, and your d*ck in your pants.
Author ebrius Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Thank you so much for your replies. I understand bullhunters point of view. If I had had sex, therefore putting her at risk of an STD, or if I had feelings for this girl I would have to tell her. Naturally the same would be true if this wasn't a one time thing. Now, I understand there is a group of people that think honesty is always the best policy. In this case, my intial thought of not telling her was based on me not wanting to lose her. But there seems to be other reasons that support it. We are in a good spot right now. She is happy in the relationship....this would definately cause her pain (big part of why I feel like crap). Although she has improved over time, she does have self-esteem issues. This would certainly bring about "what did I do" or "am I not good enough" questions. If I tell her, I doubt she would leave me. But our relationship would most likely suffer.....maybe only short term, but possibly longer if she had trust issues or had her own value of herself affected. Again, what I did was wrong. Very wrong and very stupid. But I am not lying when I say I will never do it again, and feel like an idiot because of it. I am going to try to use it as a growing experience. Realize just how sacred our relationship is and appreciate what I have to the fullest. Most likely the wrong way to learn this lesson, but I need to take something out of this. Thanks again. Your replies are appreciated. I can say that I felt like pure filth before. Although I still feel ashamed and like a jerk, it is nice to hear opinions from outsiders.
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Another thing to think about if you decide not to tell her is, that girl you fooled around with might. Or one of her friends, if she told them...It would be just awful for your girlfriend to find out from someone else - Atleast if you are the one telling her, it's because you're doing the right thing by coming clean and admitting your mistake. Do everything you can to make it up to her. PROVE to her that you're worthy again (when she is ready) of your love and most of all, your trust. Because when she finds out, the trust level she has for you will drop. Be prepared for that. Allow her ANY kind of reaction she feels fit at that moment. Listen to her, sympathize with her, and most of all, (other than just saying sorry) say that you are willing to go to counselling if need be. It's s***ty that you gotta go through all this, but it's the price one pays for when making a bad choice. You feel bad enough, lighten up on yourself abit, it's not going to happen again, you know you f'ed up - Accept it, move on and now focus on your girlfriend.
orpheus Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Personally I wouldn't tell her. It sounds like it is not something that you will do again and do feel remorse. Unless she is very understanding it will create doubt about your relationship that will only hurt it in the long run. Hey, I felt the same way you do. Huge amount of remorse and guilt over a very very brief affair. So I confessed even though my ex spouse didn't suspect anything. I hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut and just learned from the indiscretion.
Sal Paradise Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Of course it will create "doubt", it should create doubt. And she should be told. Its easy for him to sit here and say it won't happen again. But shouldn't she have some power in being with someone who let it happen to begin with? Not telling her is manipulation and deception. If you're fine with being that way than by all means do so. Just admit what you are.
OzGirl Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I think that's a bit harsh? I mean, we all make mistakes and it's not that easy for women to understand that a man can separate love from sex (I realise sex by definition isn't what happened here), where as most loving, monogomous women can't. Nobody's perfect, and I think as humans we have the right to exercise our ability to reason. I'm guessing this isn't something that will happen again (the feelings of remorse seem genuine), and it's himself who he needs to reconcile his after-thoughts with. I don't think it was the right thing to do, but I don't think telling his g/f is either. It's scaling the problem up. If there's no risk of her finding out from anyone else, then you put it down to one of those stupid things we do, and endeavour to not do again. His girlfriend, I would guess, is going to be upset at the thought he no longer loves her. Clearly, he does. He just became weak during a moment of temptation. If he didn't love her, but formed a long term emotional relationship with another woman, confiding in her, etc, then THAT would be something his g/f would be seriously threatened and repulsed by. I don't condone this, and am not justifying his actions - that's something he needs to accept - that there really isn't any justification for it. Guilt (or shame) is a feeling we are all given the capacity to have for a reason - to recognise our errors and feel compelled to not repeat them. It's something HE did, and HE is suffering for. His g/f's worth is determined by his future decisions from here on in. Sooooooooooo many women say they'd want to know if something like this happened. But, read all the other posts in this forum from wives who's husbands cheated on them and the struggles they're having just going through each day and trying to patch up the damage. Often, it was because they caught their husband out is the reason he stopped doing it. Then, go to the Other Man/Other Woman forum and see how many married people who are telling their spouses they're no longer in contact with the 'other person', in fact, are. THAT'S something to worry about. One small, insignificant, emotionally detached, momentary lapse of reason is not worth the pain it could bring his g/f. He's done the right thing by immediately feeling guilty enough to proclaim he won't do it again. If only ALL men had this decency.
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 How would you feel if she had done this to you? Would you want to know? Would you forgive her? It's all about, oh, the poor men, they stray, they can't control those raging hormones. Would you be as forgiving to her? Telling her, I think, will make you feel better. You don't really deserve to feel better. You say you are down and feel bad, she's going to be able to sense that. Eventually you'll be so exhausted from your guilt and angry with yourself for throwing her away that you'll start to take it out on her. She will eventually find out. We always do. And when she does, your relationship will be over. There is no good answer to this. I'm sorry for both of you. This mistake is going to break both your hearts.
Author ebrius Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Catgirl - I think your response is a touch harsh. I imagine you have been through some sort of infidelity in a relationship before. I apologize if it hurt you. I do not agree that this will be the end of our relationship. I do feel bad...I feel awful. But I know that in world full of jerks I have been a great boyfriend and will continue to be one. Cheating is never right, and can always cause pain, but in this instance it was a one time thing influenced by alcohol. I know without a shadow of a doubt I will never do it again. Also, it is somewhat comforting to read about others experiences on this forum. I did not have an "affair", I did not have sex with this girl and it was not caused due to problems in out relationship. It really was nothing more than an awful mistake. Telling her will cause her pain and potentially negatively affect a loving relationship. At this point, I have to find a way to get over this and realize that it does not make me a bad person. Many comments on here have helped. Knowing myself and what I stand for also helps. The phrase "learn from your mistakes" will most definately apply here.
Shana Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 If you love your girlfriend, RESPECTED your girlfriend, even alcohol would not get in the way. I am with catgirl here. WE DO FIND OUT EVENTUALLY! Remember that. As far as you saying that if you told your girlfriend - that would not end your relationship then why not tell her? If she is a strong, secure women SHE WILL LEAVE your butt! How good of a boyfriend can you really be? Alcohol ... yea ok, excuse, yes! Oh, and I have not ever been cheated on or the cheater... I won't surround myself with your type people, nor would I ever forgive that type person if that was to happen to me. BUT, my relationship is not alcohol based or "quiet" so, no problem here. TELL her ... your so sure she would stay then why not let her know what your really about?
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Maybe it is a touch harsh, I've been cheated on. A LOT. I notice you didn't answer my question. How would you feel if she did this to you?
LongTallSally Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 she is going to find out. even if it's 5 years from now, she'll find out. if you even last that long.
Author ebrius Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Maybe it is a touch harsh, I've been cheated on. A LOT. I notice you didn't answer my question. How would you feel if she did this to you? Again, my sincere condolences about any pain brought on to you from others. As someone who could very well be a source of pain to someone, I feel bad for you. If I found out she did the same, I would be extremely hurt. There is no way around that. Now, it is hard to put myself out of the situation, but I am quite certain that I would not break up with her. Obviously if I found out I would have many questions, doubts etc. My main concern would be if it was done because she was unhappy, or interested in someone else. I imagine it would be a struggle.
Sassy Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 You should tell her if she finds out from someone else she will be really mad and you will lose her either way. Maybe she won't be mad since you didn't do the deed . She will be pissed but she might forgive you. If you love her you will be open and honest with her. You want a relationship with her long term put all the cards on the table and explain what happened . She might be understandable then she may not. You owe it to her to tell her before the other girl does.
Sassy Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 How would you feel if she had done this to you? Would you want to know? Would you forgive her? It's all about, oh, the poor men, they stray, they can't control those raging hormones. Would you be as forgiving to her? Telling her, I think, will make you feel better. You don't really deserve to feel better. You say you are down and feel bad, she's going to be able to sense that. Eventually you'll be so exhausted from your guilt and angry with yourself for throwing her away that you'll start to take it out on her. She will eventually find out. We always do. And when she does, your relationship will be over. There is no good answer to this. I'm sorry for both of you. This mistake is going to break both your hearts. Great post Catgirl !!
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I have been hurt, and I appreciate the good wishes. Everyone does make mistakes. Trust is so fragile. The important thing is that you not ask her to do more than you would do. In my experience, men will say, "It didn't mean anything, it was just sex, I love you, so you shouldn't worry about it." Then you trust and they do it again, because they know it's ok with you. But, if they even suspect that you might do the same, even under the same circumstances (alcohol, loneliness, whatever) they would break up IMMEDIATELY. I see it all the time on here, guys cheat and it's "she's overreacting" and girls cheat and it's "kick that ho to the curb." Just be sure you're not being a hypocrite about it. It's easy to expect someone else to be strong and forgiving. I hope that when and if she does find out, whether from you or someone else, that you always remember how hurt you would be, and let her be hurt and don't expect her to just immediately forgive and forget.
Author ebrius Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Good points Cat. I am trying to remain open minded while following my feelings/emotions. One thing I have done is written a letter to her outlining exactly how I feel and what my thoughts are. If she were to find out, or if I decide to tell her down the road, I will give it to her to show exactly what was going through my mind. I know many people have the "once a cheater always a cheater" mindset. Some of you may think I am nothing but a jerk. I assure you that is not the case and hope I can grow from this.
Chump64 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 If you are going to marry this person, tell her. You are keeping this secret so it won't hurt her. Or, is it because you don't want her to see you in a different light? Keeping hurtful secrets is not a good way to start out a life long relationship, if that's where you think this is headed. She will find out about this and / or the guilt will eat at you and cast a pall on your relationship. This could easily snowball into a series of lies and cheating behavior. Not that I agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality. But you are only human and you may be in this situation again, and think, "Well, I pulled it off before, without her knowing..." If you tell her, she will be hurt and you will see her pain. That may be the only think that keeps you loyal in the future.
RecordProducer Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I think you shouldn't tell your GF about what happened. It will only hurt her. You were drunk and regret it, it won't happen again. So there is no point in telling her. Be careful when you drink next time. The guilt is the worst punishment you will get for your deed.
destination_unknown Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I *think* i agree with RP about not telling her, DONT EVER DRINK LIKE THAT AGAIN. Or if you cant trust yourself to drink resposibly, DONT EVER DRINK AGAIN. I have been in your shoes. I made the choice to not drink again and i live in a totally alcohol oriented society and am fairly young (so all my friends and collegues are regular drinkers), but its just not worth it if you could f8ck up so badly just cause you get a buzz out of being drunk. I learned the HARD WAY, DONT mess up again unless you want to deal with the consequences of your girlfriend quite possibly hating your guts and NEVER seeing her again - you may already have to face that.
Author ebrius Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Destination unknown - I assume you have been in similar situation? I am very curious to hear about other peoples experiences. In your case, was it only a one-time thing? Was there sex involved? This ended the relationship? Sorry to be so personal, I just see that most people who have been unfaithful on this board seem to have been more intimate, both physically or emotionally. Am hoping to here from someone who might have done something closer to what I did. Thanks
Ladylay Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Destination unknown - I assume you have been in similar situation? I am very curious to hear about other peoples experiences. In your case, was it only a one-time thing? Was there sex involved? This ended the relationship? Sorry to be so personal, I just see that most people who have been unfaithful on this board seem to have been more intimate, both physically or emotionally. Am hoping to here from someone who might have done something closer to what I did. Thanks Years back I woke up one morning in a guys bed not my bf of the time. I was so shocked I really did, just slip on my clothes and escape. I had been in a long term relationship, gone out with girls, got drunk & cant even remember, doing the deed:( I was so ashamed, that I got myself so drunk that I did not know what I was doing. To this day I only ever drink in moderation and not that often. I did not tell my Bf of the time, but the guilt ate away at me and six months later I ended the relationship. I could not live with myself, I did not have the guts to tell him. The six months after the event, I was worried the whole time, that someone would tell him. I dont know what you should do, I dont know what sort of person you are. Follow your heart, and good luck.
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 A couple years ago, I was told that I was kissing an 18-year old boy in a night club. I totally don't remember the guy, don't even know what he looked like. Altogether they said I acted normally that night, except for the fact that I had a full blackout. My good friend drove me home so I know I didn't end up in bed with this boy. It never happened to me to have sex that I regretted due to a drunken state though... or at least if I've had it, I don't remember it so all is good!
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