Guest Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I have been coming here for some time now. My story, I'm married and having a affair with a single man. I have been with my h for over 20 years. I can not explain it, Something just is lost in our marriage and has been this way for about 4 years now. I'm not happy but scared to leave. He take's care of our child and I well. I do not work and would not even know how to start to leave. I have told him about the affair. At the time I told him, I wanted to work this out but as time goes by, I'm just not happy. Also after 20 years even though I'm not happy, I'm comfortable I guess. I really have feeling for this other man. Again, is that just that he is not my H ? is it the not having to deal with the my real world when I am with him? I have no idea. I just don't know how to stop these feelings for him and I also don't know if I want to. He makes me feel alive again. This is the 1st time I have even put all of this down and I guess I just needed to, Not really looking for advice but I'm just soooo confused. If you got this far, thanks for letting me get this off my chest!
Guest Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I have been coming here for some time now. My story, I'm married and having a affair with a single man. I have been with my h for over 20 years. I can not explain it, Something just is lost in our marriage and has been this way for about 4 years now. I'm not happy but scared to leave. He take's care of our child and I well. I do not work and would not even know how to start to leave. I have told him about the affair. At the time I told him, I wanted to work this out but as time goes by, I'm just not happy. Also after 20 years even though I'm not happy, I'm comfortable I guess. I really have feeling for this other man. Again, is that just that he is not my H ? is it the not having to deal with the my real world when I am with him? I have no idea. I just don't know how to stop these feelings for him and I also don't know if I want to. He makes me feel alive again. This is the 1st time I have even put all of this down and I guess I just needed to, Not really looking for advice but I'm just soooo confused. If you got this far, thanks for letting me get this off my chest! Sorry could not figure out how to reply to this ...... So here it is, I do need some advice here. I figured after thinking long and hard about this today, I love my H but only for who he is and the time we have shared. I'm not attracted to him at all anymore. So is there any way to leave.... hmm and do it as nice as possible??? I know that may sound strange but, I need to let both of us get on with our lives with "as little pain as possible" for him. We do have a child and I would like to still have some what of a relationship with him (being nice to each other around the baby) being that H and I will still have to see eachother. HELP please....Thank you all
Brianschick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 "I'm not attracted to him at all anymore. So is there any way to leave.... hmm and do it as nice as possible??? I know that may sound strange but, I need to let both of us get on with our lives with "as little pain as possible" for him" Let me know when you figure out a way to "do it as nice as possible"..I'm in somewhat the same boat. I wish there was a way to cut the ties with no pain involved..sadly, I think not
Curmudgeon Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 You said you told your husband about your affair but you didn't say anything about how he reacted. If his response was passive, perhaps he's in the same place you are -- comfortable and complascent in what he's used to and unwilling to rock the boat. If that's the case, you don't have a relationship and merely coexist. leaving would create waves but both of you might be better off in the end. Of course, you should question the character, or lack thereof, of your lover since he obviously has no problem carrying on with someone who's married to another. Please don't invoke your child. Children learn what they live and his or her lessons are those of a marriage in name only and without passion or respect.
OzGirl Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Being 'used' to something that's not really making you happy, doesn't mean you can't change. It's just a readjustment - and you can't get to the other side of this without going through the readjustment process. It will be a bit scary - not knowing where your new starting point will be until you end this relationship with your H first. But it won't change unless you change it. I don't think you should walk into the arms of your single OM either. Leave your H first, sort out the finances, where you will live, and be fair to letting him have access to your child. It will be a change for your child, too. But, what example are you setting for your child by staying? That relationships are based on little interaction, affection, etc? Being apart shows the child that you have the choice to make your life happier if it's not all that good. I think that's NOT a bad example to set any person - be it your child or anyone else. Seek legal advice on what your options are. It's not a case of just seeing how much you can 'get' for leaving, but just what can you do to live as a single person. Then, talk to your husband and tell him you want to separate and the reasons why - because you're not happy and you don't want to see if things can change (you've already done that after 20 years I would suspect). Reassure him he will have access to the child, and you want this to be fair and reasonable on all parties - him included. Once you've done all that, settled into a new routine, "let go" of the past and feel like you're in a comfortable and neutral 'place' in yourself, then consider your options with this single man - and maybe start it at square one with him. See if the 'escapism' he's been giving you has influenced your feelings for him, or if with freedom to choose more easily, if he is still the 'one'. I can never understand why on shows like Oprah, Dr Phil, etc, there is this mantra that you MUST work on your marriage and resolve the issues. Maybe, a marriage shouldn't be THAT hard. I expect it to be an effort - but not a constant uphill battle with no real reward for doing so - and not for so long. Right now you're in the thick of it - the emotions and logistics of it all. There are just so many considerations both internally and external of your marriage, that I would say just deal with yourself first. Focus on you and how you feel now and how you want to feel this time next year, and in 5 years from then. Then take steps to get there. We all have times in our life we look back on and think how glad we are we took the courage to make a big change. Even things like giving birth - at the time, it is incredible how much adjusts for a child coming into your life. But then you look back after a few years, and wonder how you existed without them. We are creatures of survival, and when our esteem or circumstance or emotions or whatever make us think we can't survive something, our instinct takes over and we do. My advice is to do some research on your options so you are armed with knowledge. This will help reduce your fears and give your room to use the resources you need within yourself to work through it. I think it will be worth it in the end.
Blind Illusion Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I can never understand why on shows like Oprah, Dr Phil, etc, there is this mantra that you MUST work on your marriage and resolve the issues. Maybe, a marriage shouldn't be THAT hard. I expect it to be an effort - but not a constant uphill battle with no real reward for doing so - and not for so long. I don't understand this either. Of course no one expects that a union should be completely expendable over the toothpaste tube that was left uncapped but sometimes people do pair off with people completely wrong for them. In time, one or both parties discover that. All the efforts and trying in the world will make for coexisting at best. Then there are the people that marry young, and both partners grew apart, instead of together. Or maybe, one person is exactly the same but what the other wanted at 24 is not the same 20 years later. It's life. Not all unions can remain over time. Or should they. I concede that throwing a third party into this equation doesn't really help matters in the long run in most instances but maybe this mantra that OzGirl refers to, plays a small part in such things happening. Again, so there is no mistake, I will reiterate that I don't believe that marriages should be tossed aside at the first serious struggle. One doesn't need to be a long suffering martyr either if the union isn't making you relatively content.
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