lizad Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I've posted before....the short version is that I have been in an affair with a MM for two years. I am also married....... I started the affair for issues that I have since worked through. My marriage is probably better than it ever has been...... I've always needed that something more and went outside my marriage for the things that my marriage didnt provide. I say "didnt provide" b/c of me being a different type of person than my husband and not accepting the differences. I do get it now and not only accept my husband and his limitations but my own as well. I have tried to walk away from the MM probably once a month for the past two years......something get driving me back. Almost like a drug. I was addicted to the way he made me feel and all the attention he showed me. We also became friends......I like the person he is. However no matter how good the OM made me feel when we saw each other and would speak......the enormity of the afffair has been the most stressful thing that I have gone through....... I am ok when I dont see and talk to him and the minute we see each other or he calls I get swept up in it again. I know the best thing is no communication. I dont know why I am so afraid to let this affair go and let him go.......he always says he will take any part of me that I give, even if it is just friends but after what we have been through.......just cant be friends..... I guess it is a mourning process to let go of someone that you have such strong feelings for and ofcourse we go it alone b/c nobody knows about the affair. At this point I have not responded to his e-mail for the last two days and didnt pick up his call today........ he knows I go through this once a month or so and waits for me to come back so to speak....... part of me feels so bad and I do not want to hurt him but I know I need to move on and let this go. any advice? comments or feeling would be greatly appreciated....... do i just continue this NC and not say anything.........i just feel like if i speak to him, I will get weak and not do it...........
Skeered Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Well I haven't ever posted in this part of the forum without saying something negative but this time I'm going to refrain from saying the obvious things about affairs... I think you are afraid of letting go because you might not be secure enough in your marriage to think that this happiness you are feeling now is going to stay. I think people in affairs get their satisfaction in knowing what they don't get one place they will get somewhere else. However if you are done with this affair and are willing to drop it for good I say NC is best and just walk away from the other situation entirely, you cannot remain friends with the OM because it would eventually lead to more AGAIN... You may feel that you owe him more of an explanation or a more sensitive approach to the end of this affair but you really don't. Plain and simple you both need to work on your own marriages.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Seeing the OM even once a month is still taking something away from your marriage. You say your marriage is better than it was ... but you are still seeing this OM. Think of how much better it could be if you never had contact with the OM again. What is the OM's gain that when you want to end it he still continues to pursue you? If he really cared for you, and you asked him to stop contacting you, that you needed it to end for yourself, then he should stop contacting you. Continue to ignore his email as hard as they may be. Put all your energy into yourself and your marriage and you will eventually get over the OM and what you think he provided. Continued time without contact, while hard, will only help you and your h in the end.
Author lizad Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 yes, you are quite right. I am afraid to let go for fear of being unhappy. I think it is time to get over myself b/c no one is happy all the time.....including my husband who has not gone outside the marriage.....He does not deserve what I have done and that part i will live with forever..... as far as the explanation to the OM.......he doesn't need one b/c even now, I am sure that he knows what and why I am doing this...... he definitly "needs" the A more than I do.......reasons which is really of no importance to explain so I know he doesnt want to let me go and I also know that he will try to hold on if given the chance....... thank you for your response. I guess like anything..when you give up an "addiction" you just need continued support to do the right thing.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 The fear that you will not stay this happy in your marriage can only come to pass if you let it. As long as both you and your H are continually working at the marriage, and both want to be in it, you will be happy.
Owl Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Lizad- Here you go...the reason you're struggling with all of this 'like a drug' is because it's EXACTLY what you're dealing with...an addiction. It's an emotional addiction...it works exactly the same as though you were phsychologically addicted to a drug. It's the same chemical in your brain that's released due to drugs too. When you break from him, you will go through 'withdrawls'. You'll want to see him/call him/etc..., and then it fades and gets easier to deal with. Then he calls (you get your fix), and the drug is BACK in your system...and you have to start it all over again. So...knowing that, you now know that there is only ONE way to break the addiction. Same way you have to break other psychologically addictive things...cold turkey. It isn't what you want to hear, but it IS what you need to hear. So, knowing this, you are going to have to make changes to make NC stick...permanently. Delete your email/IM accounts, and do not give them to anyone who will get them to MM. Change your cell/home phone numbers. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE THIS STICK!! And...if you feel the need to do so...send him an email telling him what you're doing, and tell him point blank that you're not going to accept any further communication with him. Last point...you really need to tell your H the truth. The only way that you TRULY can recover from this will be to also get over the guilt/trauma of what you've done to your marriage as well. Coming clean with your H will help you more than you can possibly realize right now...obviously it's VERY scary to consider, but put yourself in his shoes as well. If he was in an affair just as you have been but was struggling with ending it and all...I'd bet that you would want to know the truth, and would want the chance to fix your marriage more than anything else. I'm not judging here friend...just offering you advice based off of what I've been through, and based off what I've learned since then too.
Author lizad Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 It's funny b/c I KNOW all this rationally........I just have to do it. As far writing him to tell him of my plan.....I have done that multiple times already and I feel if I do, he will just think I am going through my "thing" again only to come back....... I obviously cant change my cell number as I would have to tell my husband and I really dont know that that is what I plan on doing at the moment. Believe me there have been so many times I have wanted to just tell him so that I could end this thing once and for all but I am not sure that is the route I want to take....... I think I am strong enough to be able to do this on my own..... the one thing I have never done with the OM was to completely ignore him....I can close my account that we email with....it';s a different one than I normally go on...... he did call my office today and I just said......cant talk right now and hung up. I think he senses I am back here again wanting space. I think if I continue to ignore the phone calls.......and close my account....he will eventually realize that i am serious.....hopefully! as long as it goes on for a good amount of time. of course I feel bad b/c I care about this person but I guess that's how it goes........I need to do this for me and my marriage. OWL....as far as telling my H. not so sure at this point. I did discuss it with my therapist who also saw my husband and I together and he feels it would not be a good idea. that remains to be seen though. I do want to thank you for your responses, positive and negative b/c we all know that having an A....is a terrible thing for all persons involved.... any other support or comments are welcomed........
Owl Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Lizad- Something to understand...your therapist told you this from a COMPLETELY individual counseling point of view. VERY VERY few individual counselors/therapists truly recommend ANY action that focuses on repairing the marriage. They're SOLELY focused on the single person that they are treating...and honestly, very few of them actually understand the processes needed to recover from infidelity. Trust me on this...I've been in a position to learn a lot on the subject. So, knowing that your therapist simply can't/won't see the 'big picture' when it comes to your marriage/family, you need to consider a few things. How do you deal with those issues too? Honestly, you and your H need to start some marriage counseling. BUT...that counseling is USELESS if you're still involved in an affair, or still hiding one from your H. Bluntly, your counselor will not give you the right advice, since he won't be aware of the affair (although he might suspect one simply when you describe your marital situation). I KNOW how scarey it is to consider telling your H. But, doesn't he deserve to know the truth? Don't think of your telling him as hurting him. The hurt was done when you started this affair...he just doesn't know it yet. I don't mean that as an attack...just as an honest observation. Telling your H before he finds out will likely be what SAVES your marriage. Because when he finds out (and he will...believe me, they pretty much always do), it's going to be FAR harder for you to rebuild trust, to rebuild your marriage than if you come to him first. And given how OMW has been calling and all that's gone on...he's GOING to find out soon. So, sit down and work up the courage to tell him. Yes, he's going to be LIVID with anger and hurt and shock and devestation...I know...I was when I found out about my wife's affair. But then, he's going to see that things need to be done to save the marriage. And almost always he'll start taking those steps very quickly. And when you tell him...ASK HIM TO HELP YOU END IT!!!! That plea for help will be the best way to garner his support...it appeals to the man's role as protector. And then take the steps I said...and suggest that your H contact OMW as well, and that they talk so that THEY can work on their marriage too. I know you don't want to do this...but I'm telling you that this is the BEST road you can take. It really is the first POSITIVE thing you can do in your life since you started down the affair path. BTW...it was two years ago that I learned of my wife's affair. Guess what...we're still married and recovered quite well now. It was HARD...it HURT. But, we did it. You can too...but the first step is coming clean. Do it now before your H finds out on his own.
Author lizad Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 I appreciate all you have to say OWl, I really do and it is something I have to think about...... This therapist that I had been seeing did know of the affair....my husband and I went to him together at the beginning and then I started going alone to him. I didn't even have to tell him of the affair b/c he knew...... he is very pro marriage and working on that and was very anti the affair. he did counsel my husband with me and alone and he felt that knowing my husband, I should NOT disclose it. you mentioned the OMW calling......she has NOT called at all.......what the OM and his W are going through is very different from where I am at with my H. As far as right now.....I have asked the OM to not call me and that it is time to let me go......he has written back of course asking why? said that he will let me go but wants to know what happened and a bunch of questions that I have ignored. I have not responded further and I WONT... I feel really confidant about my decision. Again, as far as telling my H.........just not sure that is the route I will take. but I certaintly respect your thoughts on it as well as appreciate your repsonses. I am taking one day at a time. I am hoping that my OM will begin to realize that I am walking away from this for the last and final time. He is not a mean, vindictive person and I know how much he cares for me and I am pretty sure eventually he will let it go....... He knows that I have been struggling with this A for a long time, the difference is, I went back.....this time I do not want to go back and I guess only time will tell. I am happy that your marriage has thrived through your own ordeal.......will def. keep posting.
travellingman Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 lizad, putting the affair aside for a second, just curious what have you and your husband done to fix things
Author lizad Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 well number one my H is the type of man who doesnt like to fight, doesn't like any confrontation and just wants everything to be nicey nice..... during the 20 years, we have grown and changed and I am a very deep person with a need for a lot of attention. our differences where that was concernedres caused some hard times between us. I had a lot of my own issues personally....i have gone for therapy at different points. my husband and I decided to go together and I think he realized a lot of things that he didnt want to address in the past......I continued on with the same therapist that we went to together and he was amazing......I learned to be able to accept somebody for who they are and their limitations as well as my own. there is no resentment on my part anymore and we've just are able to deal with issues as they come. In addition, I have changed a lot and that has led to us being in a great place. when I started the A.....I was "lost" and looking for something elsewhere that I THOUGHT ( thought being the operative word here) I couldn't get at home Yes the A continued b/c I got addicted to this other person and had feelings......and truthfully I got away with it.....I am not proud of that fact but it is a fact. The things is I dont really need this other person in my life and I want to move on........that is where I am now.
travellingman Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 In addition, I have changed a lot and that has led to us being in a great place. How did you change? I mean, what did you do specifically to alter your perception of your husband?
Author lizad Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 I was a very angry, resentful person and I couldnt accept my H for who he was. I focused on the negatives and was angry that he didnt react the way I wanted him to. Like I said, a lot of it really had to do with me, myself. when I learned to accept my faults, I was able to accept others. Now instead of getting angry when there is something I want him to do differently, I just accept that this is who he is...and it's ok. why the questions about this travelling man??
travellingman Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 why the questions about this travelling man?? you're not the only one in this position
travellingman Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 do you want to expand on that?? just looking for ways I can appreciate my wife more
travellingman Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 well what happened in your marriage? PM me and I can tell you more
Author lizad Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 and a quick update.......all has been quiet, the voicemails have stopped and I am really doing ok. thanks for all your support
Owl Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Lizad- Sorry for the confusion over the communication with OMW...getting different people and threads confused! Hehehe I think that the information on what you and your H are doing to improve the marriage was very pertinent. It's good that you are taking action on that front. I'd like to suggest a couple of books that ya'll might check out. One is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Steve Harley. Good information here on why affairs happen, emotional needs and priorities, etc... Of course, the risk with suggesting a read of this book with your H is obvious...but you'd be amazed at how much good info is in there. A less 'obvious' book that helped my wife and I a LOT was "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools For a Great Marriage!" by Dr Steve Stephens. It's not infidelity-centric, but it's got a lot of practical and VERY ACCURATE ideas on how to improve/maintain your marriage. One thing to remember about 'emotional needs'. If you're having them filled by someone other than your H, it makes any work that your H does in this area seem a lot less than the effort he might really be putting into it. What I'm saying is this...your 'view' of your H likely changed considerably just before and during your affair. And you'll find that it will slowly change once you're out of the affair and withdrawl. It's VERY common that when someone 'comes out of the fog' of an affair, they fall in love with their spouse all over again. It happened in my case as well. So, great job in setting up and establishing boundaries to keep NC with OM. DO NOT GIVE UP ON THAT...DO NOT EVEN COMPROMISE Focus on re-building your marriage for now. But...and I say this having been through some tough times myself...you WILL reach a point where you can do no more to make things better without coming clean to your H about your affair. And the longer you take...the longer you keep the affair hidden...the harder it will be on your H. And the harder it will be for him to re-establish trust in you. That's something you'll learn...that the greatest source of pain caused by affair is the destroyed trust. Almost every BS (betrayed spouse) would have NEVER believed that their spouse was capable of lying like that, for as long as they did. That was the greatest thing for me...and it's STILL hard for me to understand how she lied so successfully to me about it. BUT...I've learned to get past and deal with it. But the greater the lie, the longer the affair went on, and the longer you keep it concealed from your H will all play factors in whether or not your marriage can survive what's happened. So please, take that into account when you're thinking about this. Talk it over with your therapist...and specifically mention the trust issue that I bring up. Hang in there, and keep your chin up. Things CAN get better!
Author lizad Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 you are a wise owl there :-) I actually have read the harley book and have found multiple websites over the past two years as I have been looking fo help walking away..... Funny, I was thinking about the OM today and what he really fufilled in my life.....it really was not that much when you think long and hard. I have to say that fot eh little bit of "high" I got there was so much more anguish and pain..... yes, I used to look at him and of course my H and the marriage could not compare to the A.....especially when soemone is so caught up in it.... however, I guess knowing this has caused me to try to walk away muliple times during these past two years........from the OM that is......... when I would go away with my H on vacation and spent family time together, I knew where i wanted and needed to be. I never felt like the grass was greener at all. I saw the faults in the OM, just as we see them in our spouses and ourselves........I guess you just pick your poisen so to speak.......in addition, the OM would just try to sweep me into thinking we were meant to be together and how strong our connection was. He is the one who has been wanting me to leave.........even though he is still there at home....... I guess it had just become more work and more stress than a marriage and I got to the point where I needed to make a clean break. I know there will be plenty of times ahead where I will think I want to see him and contact him but I wont let myself as I know it will be back to square one again and I WANT to move on...... I havent heard anything the last two days..........I'm hoping this will be it however, he may or may not call but I will continue to ignore the calls.......I did close my e-mail account to him and I am sure he knows that if he tried to contact me there........... anyway, I will keep posting. Thank you for your kind support owl......... and as far as telling the H.......still not sure yet.............
Author lizad Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 just to add.......I know exactly the "fog" you are talking about b/c when I was entrenched in the A........couldn't really focus at home......most of the time when I realized what I was doing......I would totally gravitate to wards my H and away from the OM........this flip flopping happened weekly.......
Owl Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 OK Lizad- One rule here....LOL...NEVER call me wise! Seriously, I'm not all that wise, nor did that even have anything to do with my having this name on these forums. I tell people all the time...I'm not wise. If I were, I would have never found myself in the situation that led me here to begin with. I WISH I were wise...I could have avoided a lot of heartache and pain in my own life if I were. I can respect that you're not ready to tell your H...yet. But, I'll also have to admit I'll likely never give up on recommending that...for tons of good reasons. It sounds to me like you're doing the right things to end contact with OM/MM. Stick with those. Take ANY other actions you think that you can to ensure that this sticks...perhaps 'dropping' your cell phone to get a new one, and request a new number in the process? Or...call your cell provider and request that they BLOCK the OM's number from calling or texting you. Your H wouldn't need to know about that, and it's one more way to block contact from him. Last...since you've been checking out sites, I'm betting that you've been over to the MB website as well. One of the things that they suggest is 15 hours of week of time with your spouse. Could I suggest that you consider implementing that...don't tell H why, just tell him that you want to do it. And spend that time with your H doing FUN things...just like the kinds of stuff you'd do on a date. You'd be amazed at how much that can rebuild feelings for him. Oh, and on thinking about OM...there is a good trick for dealing with that. Whenever you find yourself thinking about OM in any fashion...stop and take a deep breath. And then...DELIBERATELY...start thinking about the good things in your M...about your H...about anything positive in your life that has nothing to do with OM. BS's (like me) sometimes have to learn to do this from the other angle...to get past the pain/anger/hurt. I learned to deliberately re-direct my thoughts of the A to how much better my M is now. Over time, it helps. Hang in there friend.
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