orpheus Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 This looks like the right place to post this. It seems like every time things start going right for me in personal relationships I start feeling guilty and think about breaking off the relationship. My current one is with a fantastic person and has some wonderful qualities. But, when I am not around them my mind starts to wonder and I start feeling uncomfortable about the relationship. It is almost like I have trouble committing to personal relationships. I seem to be OK when it is fairly light and superficial. Once it starts to get a little serious I find myself pulling away. I really like the person I am with now and don’t want to push them away.
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Orpheus jounrneyed into Hades to retreive his dead wife. He made a deal with death and very nearly returned to the world of the living with her. However, he questioned, and looked back, which broke the promise he had made with death, and lost his love. Sometimes insecurity leads us to question too much. If you let someone in, get too close, they have the greatest power to injure you -- not only intentionally, but unintentionally as well. That is terrifying, to give someone that much power over you.
Author orpheus Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 Orpheus jounrneyed into Hades to retreive his dead wife. He made a deal with death and very nearly returned to the world of the living with her. However, he questioned, and looked back, which broke the promise he had made with death, and lost his love. Eurydice was a wonderful woman whom I will always miss. Sometimes insecurity leads us to question too much. If you let someone in, get too close, they have the greatest power to injure you -- not only intentionally, but unintentionally as well. That is terrifying, to give someone that much power over you. I have been told that I don't let people in. That I show just enough of myself to be safe emotionally. The idea of "giving myself" to someone is very terrifying.
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Do you have any idea why you fear this vulnerability? I do too, but have spent years uncovering my fear-based motiavtions. Have you spent any time reflecting on why you make these choices to limit the experience you have, of life and love, for security/safety reasons?
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I have been told that I don't let people in. That I show just enough of myself to be safe emotionally. The idea of "giving myself" to someone is very terrifying. If you shut her out, you may miss out on an amazing experience. It seems you're scared of getting hurt - But try to remember this woman isn't someone from your past. If you have alot of past hurts, and can't let people in, you are going to be lonely. Have you talked to her about your fears? It could help and I'm sure she will understand, maybe she'll make things easier for you if you let her in abit.
Author orpheus Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 I have actually talked to her about it. She was very understanding and tried to help me understand my feelings. Sounds great but there is still this fear of closeness or inability to get close.
Author orpheus Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 Do you have any idea why you fear this vulnerability? I do too, but have spent years uncovering my fear-based motiavtions. Have you spent any time reflecting on why you make these choices to limit the experience you have, of life and love, for security/safety reasons? There seems to be a pattern. Once someone becomes expresses how attracted they are to me I back off. If I am doing the chasing I am committed. Once the relationship moves to the more secure level I back off.
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Well we understand how to interact in intimate relationships through the lens of the primary relationship, mother-child. I have huge issues accepting intimacy because my Mom is bipolar and we have a weird mother-child dynamic because of her issues. For me, looking at the emotional context in which I learned how to interact and seek intimacy has helped me understand where the disconnect occurs. Have you explored this at all?
riobikini Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 ***Please keep this thread going, -I am deeply and sincerely interested in the answers*** (Will be keeping track of this one...keep going...Orpheus??? keep answering...B_O keep asking the questions) -Rio
Author orpheus Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 Well we understand how to interact in intimate relationships through the lens of the primary relationship, mother-child. I have huge issues accepting intimacy because my Mom is bipolar and we have a weird mother-child dynamic because of her issues. For me, looking at the emotional context in which I learned how to interact and seek intimacy has helped me understand where the disconnect occurs. Have you explored this at all? I have not explored this. My current partner mentioned that it sounded like self-esteem issues. That I somehow felt that I wasn’t allowed to have fun or feel like a deserved to have happiness. All through my life I have allowed others to manipulate me into doing things that I wasn’t really that keen on, for fear of disappointing them.
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Why are you afraid, though -- that's the question that needs pondering....there is a source to your fear, a face, a shape -- something that in your head represents or embodies what it is that see in others that makes you dread their ability to touch that inner part of you that you keep hidden from other people. Do you tend to feel the need to either control what happens around you, or have the illusion of control?
Author orpheus Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 Do you tend to feel the need to either control what happens around you, or have the illusion of control? I have been told this about myself. I don't do it in a bully sort of way but I do believe I like to be aware and have some sense of control of my surroundings.
PlentyLV007 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I'm so orpheus right now.... that's so me....I'm a feeling and so afraid...and I always have to feel in control of what happens around me. If I don't have it...I get scared and I'm intimidated. I'm seeing this great guy and I feel that it's becoming so real and that's freaking me out. He's so willing to care for me and be there for me....yet I'm scared to let him in...and yes...it's because I'm afraid to get hurt again...
Author orpheus Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 In my case I am seeing this person who seems to be about as good for me as I could have hoped for. They are understanding, caring, easy going, emotionally helpful, very attractive, sexually active etc etc., about as perfect as I think is out there for me. But, I find myself stand-off-ish and cool towards them and I know it is because I am afraid. When we first started dating I wowed them, now I find myself being fairly distant and I don't know why. I even find myself thinking of my EX spouse even though she was not good for me. I don't want to screw up but seem to need a bit of help getting past this stage.
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Don't let your Ex be a factor in your present life. It will only mess you up. Try to leave the past in the past - (Yeah I know, easier said than done) but I still say if you like this woman alot, try your best to be as open with her as possible, work together to talk about your fears, insecurities. Don't rush INTO the relationship, just take things as they happen. My line to many others, never rush a good thing. I think that may be the case here...
Author orpheus Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 We keep trying to slow things down. We are such a good fit together things just seem to flow very nicely. The issue is with me though. I have talked to her about it but don't want to scare her off. She has been very understanding and actually gave me some books to read.
MadDog Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Like I'm sure people have said, it sounds like you have a fear of intimacy. It might actually be part of a personality disorder called "avoidant personality." If you think it's serious enough and want to take action, you can see a psychologist about it and enlist their help. Good luck. MD
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 We keep trying to slow things down. We are such a good fit together things just seem to flow very nicely. The issue is with me though. I have talked to her about it but don't want to scare her off. She has been very understanding and actually gave me some books to read. Then you need to work on yourself. Even if it means....one on one therapy! It COULD help you break a pattern, to open you up and LIVE instead of worry about fears and getting hurt. Life is too short NOT to take chances. I would hate it if a good relationship was put down the drain because of your fears. See, I suffer from an anxiety disorder, (Currently in therapy and doing much better now) and looking back I see HOW much time I missed out in life. Things I should have been doing but didn't because of my stupid fears which held me back...Actually, sometimes it still does hold me back, but I fight it hard. Don't give up on yourself. If you work hard to fix the things that are preventing you from moving on to something wonderful then your life can be even better.
Tenorman Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 It is quite perceptive and insightful of you to identify that the issue lies with you. For the same reason, your girlfriend no matter how great she is will not be able to fix your 'problem'. One possible theory: Something has disconnected your outside self from your internal intimate self. Both 'selves' may even be highly developed but if they do not flow into each other you will always have this problem of not being able to connect with others and sharing with them your intimate self. I suspect it is more than just fear that holds you back - otherwise you would have solved it. Perhaps a childhood trauma or parental issue has caused this disconnection or split within yourself. You need to search within yourself to find the source. You may uncover an unresolved issue that you have carried with you for years. That unresolved issue may at first glance seem unrelated to your problem at hand but until you identify it and take steps to resolve it you are likely to always have this difficulty. Probably not the best example (as it is a movie as opposed to a real life example) but think 'Rosebud' in Citizen Kane.
riobikini Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Orpheus, -due to my interest with this topic, some frank question(s): Before encountering the stage where you feel the fear of closeness, have you, by then, actually formed any significant, or deeper romantic emotional ties with the person? Do you express yourself well by talking, displays of affection? In general, how do you personally rate your communication skills in this (or past romantic relationships) ? -Rio
blind_otter Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Like I'm sure people have said, it sounds like you have a fear of intimacy. It might actually be part of a personality disorder called "avoidant personality." If you think it's serious enough and want to take action, you can see a psychologist about it and enlist their help. Good luck. MD This is not a personality disorder that I am aware of, although that may be because I went to a school that was totally cognitive/behavioral with very little other philosophical influences on the psych progream. I am aware of an attachment disorder that is described as amibvalent/avoidant, though. Personality disorders are for the most part untreatable, or take a long time to treat. and since OP is questioning and wondering and trying to understand, that indicates this is not a personality disorder. If it were, OP would experience difficulties, but not understand why and never get to the point where OP questions their own behavior, then that would qualify as a personality disorder.
blind_otter Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Orpheus, -due to my interest with this topic, some frank question(s): Before encountering the stage where you feel the fear of closeness, have you, by then, actually formed any significant, or deeper romantic emotional ties with the person? Do you express yourself well by talking, displays of affection? In general, how do you personally rate your communication skills in this (or past romantic relationships) ? -Rio These are great questions. I also wanted to add -- since you notice that you pull back, what have you tried that has NOT worked, and how did you apply those tactics?
Author orpheus Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Orpheus, -due to my interest with this topic, some frank question(s): Before encountering the stage where you feel the fear of closeness, have you, by then, actually formed any significant, or deeper romantic emotional ties with the person? Do you express yourself well by talking, displays of affection? In general, how do you personally rate your communication skills in this (or past romantic relationships) ? I notice it most after intimacy. The first time it happened with my current partner I actually took the chance to discuss it. They seemed to me to be able to help rather than get upset and run away. In past relationships I usually broke off the relationship once I started feeling this way. So I would say that communication has been good. We discussed the situation and they offered some insight and I actually felt great and much closer to them. Recently though the thoughts are back again. I believed what triggered them were comments from my family with respect to making sure I don’t move too fast in the relationship. Almost immediately I started feeling not so good about the relationship even though nothing has changed. I remember a time when I was 14 or 15 and had a partner. She was really nice and we had a close intimate Saturday night. Sunday we went out together on an activity with my parents. I remember how guilty I felt and ended up breaking it off with them. I don’t even know why. It has always bothered me to this day. They was a really nice person who had a lot going for them as well. My ex spouse was different. I knew my parents didn’t approve because they told me. They we actually fairly vocal about my relationship. We got married and were married for several years all the time I didn’t really care what they thought of them. When I look at my history with my ex I think that I always thought that they married up when they married me. I know that sounds terrible. But with others I thought they were better than me including my current relationship.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Orpheus could double for my ex-boyfriend. Especially the part about "wowing" and "chasing" -- and then pulling away once the feelings are returned. It's hard to spot a commitment-phobe when you date people like this, because they get so nuts and crazy about you....super-affectionate....they say I love you first.....and then several months in, BAM...they pull a 180. Eventually they dump the person they said they loved, leaving the OP devastated and emotionally broken.
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