TheGameSucks Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Hey guys, I just wanted to get some help here. I am been talking to this same girl for over 3 months now and me and her I guess are friends but I want more from her. Lately we have been getting really close emotionally and I beleive I have missed some opertunity to go in for a kiss. She still is seeing other guys and she does tell me about them but she always asks for my advise and I give it to her. Me and her are really tight and it seems she always comes back to me. She has said she has not met anyone before like myself and that we have a great connection with eachother. Everytime we hang out it is so amazing and I think I can talk to her about anything and she feels the same way. I don't beleive I can get out of this friend zone with her and sometimes it does bother me a little when she talks about the other guys, so I have no idea what to do. I would love to keep her as a friend but I would love to start a relationship with her. Any advise?
Mary3 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 If in 3 months time she is still seeing other guys and telling you the gory details and likes being your friend , then I would say you are forever stuck in the friend zone. I am looking at this from the female stance. If we like you romantically you are SO HERE with us. You know ?
jerbear Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Having gone thru this, you are stuck in the friend zone. I was unable to get out of the friend zone and can not be a friend because if you think being a friend will be a road to a romantic relationship. In reality, is not going to happen anytime; she will see you as a friend. Best things to do are: Option 1: kill those feelings Not very likely and you will miss the boat with others. Option 2: Pull back She may notice you but like option one, more likely to miss you friendship NOT your romanticism. Option 3: Move on Not easy to let someone go, the other person may pursue you BUT not for a relationship. You can cut your losses and find someone who will be there. I just went thru one and it took me awhile to get to option 3.
amerikajin Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Yeah dude, three months and she's telling you about other guys she's dating - that's definitely friends zone talk. No girl would dare blow it with some guy she's interested in by mentioning a peep about a guy she's dating on the side. You've got three options: a) give up all romantic interest and accept her friendship (a high percentage move) b) if it's killing you to see her date other guys, simply disappear or c) try being a little 'cocky and funny' around her and start busting her chops a little bit. Tease her some. It might work....if you know what you're doing, that is.
setokaiba001 Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 mate, carry on because one day when she wil she you are there for her thick and thin she wil begin to relise maybe you are the one for her. Just be a more flirty and be there when she needs you and trust me she wil relise you are the one for her
Ja5e Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Really hope this works out for you mate , in the same situation myself and know how hard it is for you - and how hard it gets as time goes on. My "friend" is not dating , but I can only imagine what I`ll feel like when she does start :-( I`m going through the dilemma now of whether to back off and dissappear from her life ( however much that upsets her ) or hang in there and hope and try for the best. Its a rollercoaster emotionally. Hang in there as long as you can possibly take it without making yourself ill or starting to lose your mind !
Yamaha Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 The only way to get a women to see you romantically is to not become their friend. Women love to have their cake and eat it too. Guy friends fill a need with women. They like to discuss issues with them that they wouldn't with their b/f's. They know that most of these guy friends like them but they will give you just enough attention to keep you interested and if you push for more they will cry foul. If they wanted more then friends they would let you know. The fact she talks about her b/f's to you says you are like a g/f, but from a male perspective. Do not think that being friends will get her to see you as a b/f. If she saw you that way you would be dating not discussing her b/f's with her. Learn a good lesson from this encounter and apply it to your next interest.
Guest Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 This isn't a response but my feelings on the 'friends thing'. It usually starts out that way, of course. But making your decision to wanting more is a risky one also. Fear of Rejection is the norm and its a difficult place to be when the other person actions 'appear' to be just so. This may be due to a number of reasons. Remaining friends is of course a decision that the two involved, location, availability, and/or circumstances. If one or the other is suffering a break-up, or break down of sorts, it is not only urgent, but comforting knowing you are there, supportive to help when and if you can. Sometimes a few moments of quality time, sharing, expressing your presence can fill a lonely, desparate void that had taken over time if an individual has somewhat taken on a I am single mode! No body really ever wants to be alone, space is necessary, yeah, but truthfully without mates life is a very sad, hurtful or alone, 'we are so ever aware' feeling, place to B. Everyone needs to feel accepted to some degree, regardless of person, place or things. And when this 'appears' the disability, or laughter shared can take some of the distraught or overwheming feel that seem to affect outward appearance, attitude some time or another. The quality doesn't dictate what you have to offer. Or the offer a shared memory can, exchanged shared j/k, a belly of laughter; reminesce of past that uplift your soul, and we regroup. At times A roomful of people, toys to play with, people to see, places to go, but w/o friends, family, reaching out to another we relive a dismal view, or choices that battle in our minds. Those dam-, fu----- restless questions or over the edge scenerios! Friends/lovers? Hell, get it while you can. And for those that partake in an adult transition, work it out. As a woman, I speak for myself but I love it when 2 r able to verbalize or question ourselves. It initiates growth, better understanding of ourselves. This is special and bonds the two of you moreso. Time will cement your r/s in more ways than one. If indeed this is to continue as so, I guarantee you, it IS meaningful. Also it creates where your limit or boundless ties... Reflection but implied judgement, are necessary for us to grow, together or separately. But the sharing of views OR true intent may sometime be misconstrued especially if singular decisions are withheld. We try to protect ourselves, or even others, but hopefully expression given in a form of actions, word hopefully form some positive communication. What a friend/lover we see or hear may/maynot form reason or claim a rejection but an acknowledgement, or continuance at all! Our Hesitance, lack of confidence, reactions can be killer, but oh so refreshing to 'open the gates, i.e. THE WALLS OF GIBRALTOR! In other words, a standoffish attitude, may justify themself, but perserveyance, patience, ...love and understanding, slowly break down those walls...appearance of so. Friend or Lover? [ahem] A few months ago, I had engaged in small chit chat w/a neighbor but I was still harboring over my breakup. Almost a year! I fell into deep depression and found it difficult to 'break' out of this mode of misery. Once spirited outgoing, social,I shut down and all others. I felt such sadness, feelings of loneliness, outcast. Afraid to engage w/opposite sex or friendship. This was not fair to me or others. I believe now, mistaken my identity to allow change and rebuild what was obviously causing me to foresee some guilt by doing so, would only create more hurt I believed. Wrong! i.e. my depression by pushing others. Basically life away...eventually I was viewed by others, family, ex, that I was leading a life downhill. In some regards yes, but opening myself to some exchange necessary! Silly me, OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I realize,when after my friend move to getmy x in many ways and work it out. And didn't want to let me know. Altho, it was obvious I was lonely, and he did try with ALL that he had within himself to 'help' me. Some areas in life cannot be bought, but given from the heart. I doubt others would see it this way, as I tried to help by what I could since he was at a down time in his life and I offer a reprieve from changes he was experiencing from time to time. He was respectful in the dept. And much more. I never lead him on or he to me. I reflect on what could of, I suppose, but will not limit myself due to his true input. He was/is a friend in my need, and with childish gleem I see us as 2 frogs sitting on leafs in the pond of life watching the circling of waters carry us to and fro. Helping where we could, the ripples of water carry thru our troubles. Looking to eat a few bugs, and see how long our tongues could reach! No pun intended, folks! He would like that! HA!!!!!!HA!!! Yet... Clinical profession may be needed or help, yes, but a drop of friendship can oversee, what love has taken. It surely can be arranged, deranged, or engaged, but just what the Dr. ordered or could not do! To think we pay for this, HA! Money, places or things cannot replace the laughter that releases hell bent emotions. I will miss my neighbor, who would drop in and check in on me. He was not only my friend but able to accomplish my insecurity breakdown. For this I am eternally grateful, and it saddens megreatly that he is now moved. I sometimes pass his old apt. while walking my dog, and that time, reflect not of whats missing, but held dearly in my heart. His active ways quick wit, and youthful endearance bring on emotions I still don't completely understand. But regardless, of what may call, I smile instead of frowning, and the tears I once had, there now is replaced of just one... Maybe loving a friend was ~all that~ was in need. Indeed.
Yamaha Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Maybe loving a friend was ~all that~ was in need. Indeed. This type of love is spiritual love and it is indeed sweet. To love someones mind without the anger, guilt, envy, jealousy of a carnal love is pure love. It is difficult to obtain as we have needs and those needs cause us to be selfish with our love. A true loving friend is probably the most unselfish relationship 2 people can have as you just want the best for each of you. Lovers becomes the real issue as it muddies up the waters and makes pure love silent.
luvtoto Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 This isn't a response but my feelings on the 'friends thing'. It usually starts out that way, of course. But making your decision to wanting more is a risky one also. Fear of Rejection is the norm and its a difficult place to be when the other person actions 'appear' to be just so. This may be due to a number of reasons. Remaining friends is of course a decision that the two involved, location, availability, and/or circumstances. If one or the other is suffering a break-up, or break down of sorts, it is not only urgent, but comforting knowing you are there, supportive to help when and if you can. Sometimes a few moments of quality time, sharing, expressing your presence can fill a lonely, desparate void that had taken over time if an individual has somewhat taken on a I am single mode! No body really ever wants to be alone, space is necessary, yeah, but truthfully without mates life is a very sad, hurtful or alone, 'we are so ever aware' feeling, place to B. Everyone needs to feel accepted to some degree, regardless of person, place or things. And when this 'appears' the disability, or laughter shared can take some of the distraught or overwheming feel that seem to affect outward appearance, attitude some time or another. The quality doesn't dictate what you have to offer. Or the offer a shared memory can, exchanged shared j/k, a belly of laughter; reminesce of past that uplift your soul, and we regroup. At times A roomful of people, toys to play with, people to see, places to go, but w/o friends, family, reaching out to another we relive a dismal view, or choices that battle in our minds. Those dam-, fu----- restless questions or over the edge scenerios! Friends/lovers? Hell, get it while you can. And for those that partake in an adult transition, work it out. As a woman, I speak for myself but I love it when 2 r able to verbalize or question ourselves. It initiates growth, better understanding of ourselves. This is special and bonds the two of you moreso. Time will cement your r/s in more ways than one. If indeed this is to continue as so, I guarantee you, it IS meaningful. Also it creates where your limit or boundless ties... Reflection but implied judgement, are necessary for us to grow, together or separately. But the sharing of views OR true intent may sometime be misconstrued especially if singular decisions are withheld. We try to protect ourselves, or even others, but hopefully expression given in a form of actions, word hopefully form some positive communication. What a friend/lover we see or hear may/maynot form reason or claim a rejection but an acknowledgement, or continuance at all! Our Hesitance, lack of confidence, reactions can be killer, but oh so refreshing to 'open the gates, i.e. THE WALLS OF GIBRALTOR! In other words, a standoffish attitude, may justify themself, but perserveyance, patience, ...love and understanding, slowly break down those walls...appearance of so. Friend or Lover? [ahem] A few months ago, I had engaged in small chit chat w/a neighbor but I was still harboring over my breakup. Almost a year! I fell into deep depression and found it difficult to 'break' out of this mode of misery. Once spirited outgoing, social,I shut down and all others. I felt such sadness, feelings of loneliness, outcast. Afraid to engage w/opposite sex or friendship. This was not fair to me or others. I believe now, mistaken my identity to allow change and rebuild what was obviously causing me to foresee some guilt by doing so, would only create more hurt I believed. Wrong! i.e. my depression by pushing others. Basically life away...eventually I was viewed by others, family, ex, that I was leading a life downhill. In some regards yes, but opening myself to some exchange necessary! Silly me, OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I realize,when after my friend move to getmy x in many ways and work it out. And didn't want to let me know. Altho, it was obvious I was lonely, and he did try with ALL that he had within himself to 'help' me. Some areas in life cannot be bought, but given from the heart. I doubt others would see it this way, as I tried to help by what I could since he was at a down time in his life and I offer a reprieve from changes he was experiencing from time to time. He was respectful in the dept. And much more. I never lead him on or he to me. I reflect on what could of, I suppose, but will not limit myself due to his true input. He was/is a friend in my need, and with childish gleem I see us as 2 frogs sitting on leafs in the pond of life watching the circling of waters carry us to and fro. Helping where we could, the ripples of water carry thru our troubles. Looking to eat a few bugs, and see how long our tongues could reach! No pun intended, folks! He would like that! HA!!!!!!HA!!! Yet... Clinical profession may be needed or help, yes, but a drop of friendship can oversee, what love has taken. It surely can be arranged, deranged, or engaged, but just what the Dr. ordered or could not do! To think we pay for this, HA! Money, places or things cannot replace the laughter that releases hell bent emotions. I will miss my neighbor, who would drop in and check in on me. He was not only my friend but able to accomplish my insecurity breakdown. For this I am eternally grateful, and it saddens megreatly that he is now moved. I sometimes pass his old apt. while walking my dog, and that time, reflect not of whats missing, but held dearly in my heart. His active ways quick wit, and youthful endearance bring on emotions I still don't completely understand. But regardless, of what may call, I smile instead of frowning, and the tears I once had, there now is replaced of just one... Maybe loving a friend was ~all that~ was in need. Indeed. Dear Guest, I enjoyed what you shared. I could relate with your story. I am hoping to see more of you on LS...not just as a guest. Thanks for sharing!
Guest Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Thank you, perhaps it is worth getting along ~ more involved.
aleatoryd Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Hi mate I agree with amerikajin you don't honestly have many options. Once you get stuck in the "friendship zone" it can be damn near impossible to get out of it. I made the mistake once of telling a girl how I felt about her (that wasn't the mistake - if you don't let a girl know how you feel then you'll always lose out and wonder "what if...") and it all messed up and we ended u;p growin appart. The problem was that I carried on having feelings for her. Then we started becoming close again (by this point we were in different parts of the country) across Messenger. The thing is I did it again - I told her I still liked her. Big mistake as she responded that she "didn't realise I still had those feelings for her". Well it was a reopening of an unhealed wound. I wouldn't like to see anyone go through what I did. The thing is that sometime people (it's not just girls... I know guys who do the same to girls... sometimes worse it's shocking how much we "use" and maybe abuse other people) well they like to have all the emotions, bonds, companionship of a lover without the strings attached. If you are always there for her and would give everything for her, or already do well why would she need you? I took 2 years to learn that lesson. Trust me nothing feels worse than knowing the girl you care about will likely go out with a jerk... or maybe she'll change just because emotionally she loves someone else but thats the tragic thing - she just doesn't chemically feel the same way. If you are prepared to give unrequinted "pure" and genuine love to her then try and stay friends but if it hurts too much I advise you to withdraw at least a little until you feel comfortable. I'm told (but don't know of this happening yet) that there are two ways to break into this kind of scenario - be there for her always and one dayu when she's older it's possible that she may realise that you are the right guy... it's also just as likely that she'll meet a guy and get married, raise a family and that doesn't really leave you with much to hope for. The other option is similar to amerikajin option c) You need to make her see you in a different light go dance with other girls, flirt a lot not just with her. My friend really connected well with a girl and they liked each other but she wouldn't go out with him so he started to go out with the lads and would occaisonally brag or drop hints about the girls he'd "pulled" (over here that means dancing or making out nothing really rude!) and she started flirting with him. Now they are going out. Basically its about competition and you are trying to sell yourself in an already saturated market - you need to inspire desire in the girl (man that sounds so cheesy). I'm not an expert or I wouldn't have joined with my own problems LOL! But I was told (again I'm probably mis-informed) that girls don't dress up for guys... they dress up to compete with their fellow girls. Why do they go for jerks? Because they are seen as the dominant alpha-male. My friend once told me I'm a nice guy but that nice guys always finish last. Now don't go and develop bad attitudes or start a fight (that wouldn't impress) but just act differently around the girl and she'll soon pick up the vibes. I wish you all the luck in the world because I can identify with your situation. At the moment I'm trying to get to know a girl but I'm not sure how interested/serious she is. I'll clarify that - she is definitely interested in a long term relationship but I am just one of many guys vying for her affections. I fear 3 strikes and I'm out! A thing I'm definitely doing which isn't like me normally - I am making it abundantly clear that my objective is to go out with her and that I like her romantically. I think that if I just came over as a friend well she'd categorise me as that and I'd again be stuck in the friend zone. A little bit of cockiness (not sarcastic putting people down) and slight amount of bravado arrogance - out of character for me - and so far I'm keeping her interested. The balance is between making her aware of how you feel (or at least generating flirt/romance responses) and not coming on too strong. I liken it to fishing - which I found boring after 6 hours freezing my butt off LOL - you need to keep on to the line and let the fish take the bait. Too much strain and the line breaks... too little and the fish gets away. Sorry girls for that analogy I'll probably get flamed for saying that. I reckon its why we have the saying "plenty more fish in the sea". Well you want this particular girl so you'd better start practicing your technique. Good luck!
Yamaha Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I made the mistake once of telling a girl how I felt about her (that wasn't the mistake - if you don't let a girl know how you feel then you'll always lose out and wonder "what if...") and it all messed up and we ended u;p I disagree. I don't think it's ever a mistake to tell someone how you feel. She knew you liked her but you filled a need in her so she continued your relationship. Mature people can handle this situation and deal with it where immature and selfish people just see it as a problem ( you created ) and end your friendship.
aleatoryd Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I disagree. I don't think it's ever a mistake to tell someone how you feel. She knew you liked her but you filled a need in her so she continued your relationship. Mature people can handle this situation and deal with it where immature and selfish people just see it as a problem ( you created ) and end your friendship. You're probably right Yamaha. As I said "I made the mistake once of telling a girl how I felt about her (that wasn't the mistake - if you don't let a girl know how you feel then you'll always lose out and wonder "what if...") ..." It wasn't a mistake telling her how I felt the first time as: if you don't tell her you just drive yourself nuts wondering about what couuld or couldn't be. I was mainly giving an example in my life of when I made a mistake by repeating the situation again with the same girl. I think any situation needs some level of closure and back then I couldn't deal with things like that. With other girls I've since liked I've managed to maintain a good friendship. You are spot on with the "imature and selfish" thing. I'd like to think that I've grown a lot in the 6 years since that all happened. In my past I guess I've wanted relationships (friendship included) where I received the same level of emotion I put into it. At the moment I'm trying to see where the boundaries lie between what I should or shouldn't do - how much is friendship and how much I should reserve for my future girlfriend/wife. I'm still learning! TheGameSucks, I hope things work out for you.
MadDog Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Welcome to friendsville. Population: you. It might sound ridiculous but I suggest the crash & burn method here. Next time you two are hanging out, just go in for a kiss/make out session. If she gets mad or freaks out, just apologize for the confusion & start phasing her out immediately. If she responds positively, you'll be the happiest man on earth for the next 1-3 months minimum.
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