i've lost my will, what do i do?

[strider_hiryu]

i was with this girl for 13 months. we broke up mid jan. she said she wanted to "grow up" and to me that has a double meaning if u know what i'm saying. she said that she loves me, she said that she'd want to get back together after she's done "growing up". i though it was alright, so we stayed intouch. even continued to share a locker at work. but the pain became to unbearable. hearing her voice when she calls, seeing her at my locker, smelling her scent in my locker. when she called she'd call about parties she went to and the guys hitting on her. it made me jealous, and i couldn't stand it. it make me real angry. it made me feel as though she was bragging about her singleness. so i started cutting her short from her calls. and i stopped calling. my friends knew that i was still hung up on her, so they said that i should boot her outta my locker. so i did, and she didn't take it very well. she was pissed off and made a scean. i was pretty emmbarassed. which in a way didn't make sense, seeing how it was my locker. she said somehting about me ignoring her. and it was true. i was ignoring her. i wanted to stop being misrable.

 

the following day (wensday) she said she regretted ever going out with me. it was both relieving and depressing. depressing because i lost any chances i had with her. but relieving because i can finally stop waiting for her to "grow up" and get on with my life.

 

Then something happened, she called on that friday and said everything was good, and that she wasn't angry. it set me back, i became depressed and then i started to "cling" i didn't want to change. you see, i was going to join the airforce full time. the only thing stopping me was her. after that week, i kept trying to convince myself that "we" are never going to happen again. and if it does, it won't be the same. i keep telling myself, i'm not going to get jealous anymore. i'm not going to look back and thing what if. so i put up a front, acted like everything is all normal, like the way it was before, but now i can't do it no more, i can't pretend anymore. i keep wanting her back, but i have to let go. she's not the same girl i fell in ove with.

 

It makes me angry that she told me that she said she loved me. when i said it, i ment it, and i woulda done anything for her. she even talked about raising a family with me. she even picked out the floor plan of our house.

 

there are time when it feels like i dun care about her, and those feeling feel genuine. the problem is, i can't make those feelings stick. i want to forget her, i want to stop feeling sorry for myself, and i want her out of my mind. my constant daydreams about her is seriously starting to effect my school performance. i know if i join the ariforce, i won't see her for a while. and so i feel its the only option i have, also, i was gonna do it before i did go out with her. but the only reason why i didn't was because i wanted to be with her, and the day we broke up, she made me promis not to join. in a way she kinda broke hers about us, and i feel my sanity and happiness is more important than what she wants.

 

any imput? it would be much appreciated.

thanks

[pricillia]

strider,

 

I know it is not easy but do not let her get the best of you, do what you need to do for your own success and your future family, you will get everything that you want just stick to your plans!