Seeking Older Male Perspective (Females welcome too, though.)

[Impreflection]

I feel extremely awkward posting such a personal experiance, but I really need to vent a little bit. Please bare with me as there a few important details that need be taken into consideration before my situation can properly be assessed.

 

First of all, I am in my late twenties and a few months ago I was involved in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man nearing his 40's. I know that doesn't make me or him look too good, but it is important to note that we were best friends for five years before I finally agreed to take it any further.

 

Anyway, for close to a year we maintained the relationship through daily phone conversations and frequent visits to his hometown 9 hours off me. I would say within the course of time that we were an actual "couple" we only ever met up 5 times, but the closeness would remain even in distance. He was so smitten that it was not unusual for him to weekly send me lavious gifts, chocolates, and stuffed animals. Right up until that very day when I recieved "The Phone Call."

 

Now, you must understand that I was not niave about the situation. I knew there was the risk of him finding someone locally, and I knew he was the settling down, marrying, white picket fence with 2.5 kids on the way sort of person (which I'm admittedly not,) but I always figured when the time came for us to part, there would be SOME kind of warning sign.

 

Imagine my surprise when the day after recieving my final gift package, he would blurt out within a few seconds of our usual call "I met someone." Of course, I would later learn this someone has a kid which really didn't soften the blow because that was yet another thing I've never wanted, and he knew my last couple relationships ended for that very reason.

 

Considering the circumstances, I handled it with quite a bit of grace. But he was concerned for my well being (keep in mind we were best friends for several years prior to the relationship,) and sent me numerous emails telling me to please talk to him; that our friendship was something he valued beyond words and he wished to keep that.

 

I guess I held in my true feelings too long, and they eventually errupted in a confrontational email back to him pretty much trying to make him feel incredible guilt for what he had done. In hindsight, I don't think I was heartbroken so much as humilated over the situation, and annoyed at his constant pity party "I'm so sorry to have hurt you" remarks.

 

Needless to say, that email lead to a series of other very venomous notes back and forth, each trying to make the other feel like a pile of horse dung. The final message from him at that time was basically that he was really mad and didn't want to communicate for a while.

 

Anyway, (I warned you this was long,) it is now a couple months later, and I feel I am finally at a stage where I can be sincerely happy for him and want to rekindle the friendship. I don't want him back; I never did, and if truth be told I had been having a few doubts myself prior to the break up. The problem is that I had reached a comfort level with him that prevented me from being the one to inituate ending things. In short, I grew dependant on his counsel.

 

So, my resolution over the past couple weeks has been to send him website links and informationals on stuff that interests him. I had hoped that would prove that I wanted to move forward with the friendship, but he won't have anything to do with me. On the rare occasion he replies at all, the comments are brief, and rushed.

 

This whole thing doesn't sit well because he was the one who pushed so hard for us to remain friends. Is he punishing me because he is still bothered by a stupid email sent months ago? Or is he afraid to jeapordize his new relationship by communicating with me? If that is the case how come he ever suggested we remain close friends in the first place? Is this just something guys just say to try and soften the blow?

 

It is a double whammy for a long time friend to not only dump me for someone else, but then to act like I don't even exist anymore seems so cruel, immature, and unlike him.

 

I've lost my best friend in the whole world over a short lived relationship, and it hurts. I think it's ironic that the only person on face of the planet I would have confided this sort of heartache to in the past is no longer speaking to me.

[Guest]

It is a double whammy for a long time friend to not only dump me for someone else, but then to act like I don't even exist anymore seems so cruel, immature, and unlike him.

 

You're leaving out the part about the nasty email exchange. It's highly likely that the nature of your discourse at that time persuaded him that you might have a side he's not interested in knowing.

 

The most important thing you can do when you're angry is not vent your anger in a way that wounds, particulary if you think you might want to keep the person you're angry at as a friend. Write all the letters and emails you want but don't send them. Unfortunately, you did send them and, I suspect, did violence to your relationship.

 

Keep in mind next time that you have to live with the consequences of your actions and heaping anger on someone tends to have unpleasant consequences for you.

[Curmudgeon]

Seeking Older Male Perspective

 

Ummm! That would be me. However, I think just about anyone could offer some insight on this.

 

Or is he afraid to jeapordize his new relationship by communicating with me? If that is the case how come he ever suggested we remain close friends in the first place? Is this just something guys just say to try and soften the blow?

 

It sounds to me as if he's moved on, especially in his new, more convenient relationship and doesn't want to dwell in the past. "Remaining friends" is a nice, comfortable and usuallu insincere way of saying you're through but don't want to leave behind hurt feelings. I think it rarely works out that way.

 

It appears time for you to cut your "losses" and get on with your life as well. Savor the good memories but don't look to reliving them.

[Impreflection]

You're leaving out the part about the nasty email exchange. It's highly likely that the nature of your discourse at that time persuaded him that you might have a side he's not interested in knowing.

 

The most important thing you can do when you're angry is not vent your anger in a way that wounds, particulary if you think you might want to keep the person you're angry at as a friend. Write all the letters and emails you want but don't send them. Unfortunately, you did send them and, I suspect, did violence to your relationship.

 

Keep in mind next time that you have to live with the consequences of your actions and heaping anger on someone tends to have unpleasant consequences for you.

 

 

I assume responsibilty for my actions. However, the truth of the matter is that he was cheating, and did deserve to be confronted about it. Especially after all the guilt trips he would lay on me if I even considered hanging out with a male friend. I wasn't given a lot of time to process or accept the situation because he had been misleading me right up until the very moment he finally confessed, and one of my biggest regrets about the relationship before him was that I just "let it go."

 

What took place in those emails was not name calling or accusations, it was confronting him about the fact that what he did was wrong. He is a wonderful man and the only reason he is bothered at all is because can't bare to hear that he might have actually done something improper. Had he come to me in the beggining of the five months he decided to pursue someone else, I would have had no reason to confront him. He chose instead to treat me like his girlfriend (something I'm fairly certain she still isn't aware of,) and only confessed because I was supposed to be going up to see him in the following weeks and he knew he would be caught anyway.

 

You may ask yourself why I would even want someone like that in my life, but the reality is that everyone makes mistakes and aside from this one incedent he was a wonderful boyfriend, and a terrific friend. I understand that long distance relationships rarely work out and I certainly don't begrudge him for finding someone local. I have made sure he knows that.

 

So, what I ask you is how come he is allowed to make mistakes, and I am not, even though what he did was a lot worse than a stupid email sent months ago?

[Impreflection]

Ummm! That would be me. However, I think just about anyone could offer some insight on this.

 

 

 

It sounds to me as if he's moved on, especially in his new, more convenient relationship and doesn't want to dwell in the past. "Remaining friends" is a nice, comfortable and usuallu insincere way of saying you're through but don't want to leave behind hurt feelings. I think it rarely works out that way.

 

It appears time for you to cut your "losses" and get on with your life as well. Savor the good memories but don't look to reliving them.

 

Yeah, I hear what you are saying about moving on. In the past situations like this haven't bothered me as much because there wasn't such a long term friendship involved prior to the relationship. I know I should just write him off, but the truth is that it's really hard for me to accept he doesn't value our friendship as much as I do.

 

Your advice hasn't fallen on deaf ears though, and I am working on it. I heard from him the earlier today and he actually took the time to edit one of my stories, but I'm not going to raise my hopes. I think it was just his way of telling me that even though we can't be friends, he doesn't want me to think he hates me. I can live with that; I'm viewing it as "closure."

 

P.S. The only reason I was asking for an older male perspective was because I wanted to see things through his eyes. I would greatly love to hear from others though, too.