Questions to seriously ponder. Not always black/white.

[basscatcher]

I have always sought validatin from men.

I understand this but I become blind in my daily life.

 

I was told by former Psychologists and I believe because of my fathers absence and also his lack of love towards me I crave acceptence, affection and attention from men to fill those needs.

 

I have a habit of flexing, bending and trying to make things pleasing for the men who come into my life so they will see me, recognize me, accept me and love me.

I was real about myself with Charlie from day one. I chose to not put on a show or cover up my past. I wanted to see if he could accept me for me.

(like a test for myself). I have been real with him from the start and he didn't respond as favorable as when I have manipulated myself to conform to what someone else desires.

Upon realizing being myself didn't work I began the addiction of control but without a known path to walk on. I have never tested my theory that a man would/could accept me for me. My morals, values, beliefs, personality, tastes, needs, desires. etc etc.

 

I am struggling with this now because I feel rejected by Charlie.

 

My alpha male friend and I were involved last summer for a few months off and on. He has the ability to see through me, in me and all there is about me. I couldn't hide anything from him and I couldn't play any power/control tactics on him.

It created a very rocky relationship. He pushed me away over and over because of my negativity. He retracts himself from me for months then he reappears to put me back in line then retracts to allow me space to grow. If he stays close to me I lose my focus because it becomes focused on him and not on growth for myself.

 

I know my flaws but I have a hard time swallowing and facing them. It hurts too damn much..

 

I learned a belief system that worked as a child and teenager to get what I seeked temporarily but it doesn't work in the adult world. I don't know another path to take. I tried being real and honest and not put on a face with Charlie and I still got burnt.

 

It is hard to not come down on myself. It is hard to not put myself down and call myself negative titles. Rejection is a very hard thing to live with and learn to grow immune too when it has been a conditioning since conception.. (Yes, conception--rejected by my father, denied as his child, denied love from him, put down and treated as unworthy, growing up without being loved by a male role-model is hard on a women..)

 

I logically understand the negative dynamics it creates in a womans life as she grows but I am having a difficult time getting out of the old programing... My friend see's this and he is attempting to help me along in small steps but it is difficult for both of us.

[Art_Critic]

You are way to over analysing this Pada..

Did you ever think that maybe it just didn't work out because you two are imcompatable and it took 5 months to come out ?

 

Why do you accept soooo much responsibilty for this failure ?

You keep looking into this like there are all these reasons... it was a 5 month relationship.. you guys where just in the " Taking out for a spin " stage.

 

I understand that you need closure.. but stop thinking that you caused the failure.. you didn't..

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, this struck me...

 

My alpha male friend and I were involved last summer for a few months off and on.

 

Most say " on and off " it's ironic that you said the "off" first.

 

Which translates to me your frame of mind. It can and you will change your ways of thinking when you start being and feeling more positive. More the glass is half full rather than half empty.

 

I'm really happy that you have a good male friend who can say anything to you - who really truely cares about you to help change and enhance your life. He is a keeper! Past or no past with him, what you have is a loving friend who will DO everything possible to help you out.

 

I've thought this for a while, but while in a relationship, you're not supposed to feel bad about yourself. Question yourself, and wonder what is wrong most of the time. Charlie does bring out some good feelings in you, but he always has some quality in him that makes YOU feel bad.

 

Keep posting.

[newbby]

Hell some people may only have issues in YOUR eyes.

 

To themselves they are just fine and do not think what you see as an issue means a hill of beans to them.

absolutely!

i also agree with your ther posts on this thread. excellent.

[basscatcher]

You are way to over analysing this Pada..

Did you ever think that maybe it just didn't work out because you two are imcompatable and it took 5 months to come out ?

I have to analyze or I will be anal about it all. I need to understand things in order to grow. As my friend put it:

The 3 C's-Complain, cause, cure.

 

Why do you accept soooo much responsibilty for this failure ?

You keep looking into this like there are all these reasons... it was a 5 month relationship.. you guys where just in the " Taking out for a spin " stage.

I will always try to accept my responsiblity in a situation. I also will find the parts I am not responsible for.

I don't believe he and I are UNCOMPATABLE totally, I think we are not compatable at this time.

I understand that you need closure.. but stop thinking that you caused the failure.. you didn't..

I am working at not blaming myself for the failure totally but I do carry some of the responsiblity for allowing myself to get out of control and letting it go ths far.

 

Most say " on and off " it's ironic that you said the "off" first.

 

Which translates to me your frame of mind. It can and you will change your ways of thinking when you start being and feeling more positive. More the glass is half full rather than half empty.

Exactly what my friend points out to me all the time.. I need it knocked into me over and over.

 

I'm really happy that you have a good male friend who can say anything to you - who really truely cares about you to help change and enhance your life. He is a keeper! Past or no past with him, what you have is a loving friend who will DO everything possible to help you out.

I suppose you are right but I don't accept the loving part. I can accept caring friend. He can't say anything to me either. I have snapped at him and went total Bitch on him and we didn't talk for almost 4 months. I wasn't listening to what he was saying. I was listening to how he was saying it and became offended because of the way he delivered his message to me. He see's potential in me because I am one WHO ANALYZES myself and my life to understand and see where I need to change and heal and grow. He is a believer in growth.

 

I've thought this for a while, but while in a relationship, you're not supposed to feel bad about yourself. Question yourself, and wonder what is wrong most of the time. Charlie does bring out some good feelings in you, but he always has some quality in him that makes YOU feel bad.

Charlie makes me feel like he wants me in his life. but yet he makes me feel rejected too.

The wanted feeling is that he calls me and spends time with me, the rejected feeling is because he doesn't show me affection or quality attention.

The lack of affection and attention is stirring the old programing in me that I'm not accepted, wanted, good enough and it spins me off in a negative direction. I am a REACTOR and that is what my friend hates about me big time. Negativity and reactor.. The two things that make him want to puke about me. That is why he and I were more off then on.

[basscatcher]

I went back and looked back at the beginning of Charlie and I. (LS Threads)

 

It is so sad how fast everything spiraled down

 

Jan. I was upset he was spending money on me.

Feb. I recognized he wasn't giving affection and expression of his feelings for me.

Now March, I am wanting to give up because he siad he doens't know how he feels about me and his lack of attention became more noticable.

 

Wow. it is so sad..

 

I'm like "WTF happened?" WOW

[blind_otter]

To me, this seems like a progression from not knowing someone you're dating well, to knowing them well enough to decide whether you're ready to take on a longterm committment.

[basscatcher]

To me, this seems like a progression from not knowing someone you're dating well, to knowing them well enough to decide whether you're ready to take on a longterm committment.

 

Yep-- progression...

 

Its hard to think of the possible reality that lays ahead.

 

I see it as negatives and its hard to turn them around and see the possitives in them..

 

Springtime is the hardest time to accept and handle things ending and dying. Springtime is suppose to be a time of rebirth and growth..

 

I feel like a part of me is dying and I don't want it too.

[whichwayisup]

Pada, looking back, if you knew then what you know now, what would you change? Could you change anything?

 

It just seems both of you were in a such a rush to have a real relationship, but along the way forgot to stop and smell the roses...To just enjoy eachother and let things happen on their own as it should. Instead it was pushed, forced (by both of you, that wasn't one sided) and because of that the 'friendship and relationship' wasn't growing in a stable and healthy way.

 

Don't think too far ahead with anything right now. You can't handle it and honestly, worrying about what 'could' happen IF... Isn't serving YOU any good. Deal with it as things happen, don't go looking around the corners for things that aren't there yet. I hope that makes sense. ( I think I be gettin' a cold or something, I feel lousy and out of it so not too sure if my wording is bang on tonight or not!)

[Walk]

I've been trying to keep up on this thread, but I fell behind some.... Did you two break it off already? I didn't find any posts about that specifically. But the posts on this page make it sound as if it's completely over and finalized.

 

Pada, I know this time is extremely hard for you, and everywhere you look it seems negative and unhappy. But remind yourself, as many times as possible during the day and night, that you are a bright, wonderful woman who has a huge heart and a personality most of us can only aspire to have.

 

Whether Charlie has the balls or not to attempt to fulfill your needs is his decision. However, your decision is whether your life will be crushed or reborn. It is a decision. It takes an incredible amount of effort and will power to stay on that course once made. The easy path is allowing yourself to fall into the negative thinking. You're comfortable with it. It's known.

 

You're fighting so hard against making the changes in yourself that you need to make to be happy. You have to choose to change, and fight for it. Your happiness does not depend on Charlie or his decision. It's in your hands. And thinking positively is a step toward freeing yourself from the negative reaction of others. Changing is hard, but with time and practice, it does become easier.

 

I think sometimes people forget how hard it is to change ourselves. We ask others to change, and don't appreciate the strength and effort involved. Yet we balk at having to change our thought patterns or views, throw up every excuse, and cling to patterns that we've held for years. And we still continue to require the other person to change just one more thing and then we'd be happy.

 

Pada.. this isn't aimed specifically at you, I'm just irritated by life right now. So take what you can from it, and discard what you feel doesn't apply.

[blind_otter]

Yep-- progression...

 

Its hard to think of the possible reality that lays ahead.

 

I see it as negatives and its hard to turn them around and see the possitives in them..

 

Springtime is the hardest time to accept and handle things ending and dying. Springtime is suppose to be a time of rebirth and growth..

 

I feel like a part of me is dying and I don't want it too.

 

You're not alone. I know how you feel. It does hurt. But that's ok.

[basscatcher]

Pada, looking back, if you knew then what you know now, what would you change? Could you change anything?

 

It just seems both of you were in a such a rush to have a real relationship, but along the way forgot to stop and smell the roses...To just enjoy eachother and let things happen on their own as it should. Instead it was pushed, forced (by both of you, that wasn't one sided) and because of that the 'friendship and relationship' wasn't growing in a stable and healthy way.

 

Don't think too far ahead with anything right now. You can't handle it and honestly, worrying about what 'could' happen IF... Isn't serving YOU any good. Deal with it as things happen, don't go looking around the corners for things that aren't there yet. I hope that makes sense. ( I think I be gettin' a cold or something, I feel lousy and out of it so not too sure if my wording is bang on tonight or not!)

 

I understand what you are saying..

Although I don't feel I rushed. I haven't been in a serious relationship in a year. I have played around, dated, met lots of men and such and so forth.

I allowed Charlie to run the speed of it. This I know I did to a point.

I absolutely loved all the phone calls and the time he gave to me going out.

I believe I was a filler for the emptiness and void Kim left in his life. He tried to use me to fill it and it didn't work.

 

He and I haven't spoken much but he is aware that we need to talk and I don't want to do that until his children are back home with their mother.

I don't know how he will react to my words and its not fair for his children to have to be around whatever attitude he gets. He could be calm and accepting of it or he could be upset, disappointed, hurt, or angery. I don't know. I am in no hurry to move onto greener pastures. I have my feelings to deal with and I need to clear out the webs in my mind.

 

Looking back......If I could go back and change anything would I , NO WAY..... I embrace all my lessons and wouldn't want to be without them.. I don't like thinking "ONLY IF..." it is unhealthy thinking and it is to easy to get stuck in the past that way... I use to torment myself with 'ONLY IF'S....." when I was younger and I couldn't see past the past. I couldn't live in the here and now and look towards the future. I will catch myself doing it once-in-awhile and I correct myself. Living in a fantasy world isn't healthy and it stops growth..

I have a relationship dream--wants and needs. I don't know if they are attainable. I have been told they are but I doubt it and that is my struggle.

Charlie is still a GEM.. He has issues that he needs to work through. Only then will he be able to be a more complete man who can be loving and affectionate. I pray he will.

I am too easy to give chances and I am too open for people to hurt me. I don't want to change this about myself. I know that leaves me open to being hurt, taken advantage of, and abused. When I close myself off from my openess I feel suffocated. I have a free spirit to love and to give love. Protecting myself stiffles that.

 

I truly don't know where things are going. In my mind I know it is safest and maybe the healthiest to cut Charlie from my life. Then again, how do I accept the feelings I hold for him.

I know a lot of my flaws. I know a lot of my weaknesses, I know a lot of my faults. They have been pointed out to me by loved ones, therapists, friends and exboyfriends as well as current bf. I can see them myself when I remove my ego and pride.

 

We can't grow without the help of others who care about us. I care about Charlie deeply. I see he needs to heal the hurts and pains of his past life. I am not blind to his faults. I can see them because they were mne at one time. I am a vetran of them and currently part-time enlisted.

[basscatcher]

I've been trying to keep up on this thread, but I fell behind some.... Did you two break it off already? I didn't find any posts about that specifically. But the posts on this page make it sound as if it's completely over and finalized.

 

Pada, I know this time is extremely hard for you, and everywhere you look it seems negative and unhappy. But remind yourself, as many times as possible during the day and night, that you are a bright, wonderful woman who has a huge heart and a personality most of us can only aspire to have.

 

Whether Charlie has the balls or not to attempt to fulfill your needs is his decision. However, your decision is whether your life will be crushed or reborn. It is a decision. It takes an incredible amount of effort and will power to stay on that course once made. The easy path is allowing yourself to fall into the negative thinking. You're comfortable with it. It's known.

 

You're fighting so hard against making the changes in yourself that you need to make to be happy. You have to choose to change, and fight for it. Your happiness does not depend on Charlie or his decision. It's in your hands. And thinking positively is a step toward freeing yourself from the negative reaction of others. Changing is hard, but with time and practice, it does become easier.

 

I think sometimes people forget how hard it is to change ourselves. We ask others to change, and don't appreciate the strength and effort involved. Yet we balk at having to change our thought patterns or views, throw up every excuse, and cling to patterns that we've held for years. And we still continue to require the other person to change just one more thing and then we'd be happy.

 

Pada.. this isn't aimed specifically at you, I'm just irritated by life right now. So take what you can from it, and discard what you feel doesn't apply.

 

Walk---Come back and read your words in a day or two.... Please...

 

Your words are full of wisdom and great advice... In a day or two look at your words as "IF" someone is saying them to you...( I could have said this to you.) You are your own solver of your problems too.. We all have it internally if we only search for it and utilize it.

[Art_Critic]

Charlie is still a GEM..

 

I'm sorry Pada.. I see this differently.. A gem doesn't cause the hurt that he is/has caused you..

 

Stop putting that man on a pedestal.. pull him down..He isn't all that..

[littlekitty]

Pada, with all love and respect to you.... there are 25 pages here of post after post analysing a 5 month relationship. It started hot and it seems like it's burnt out, perhaps you just aren't right for each other?

 

But AC is right, and IMHO there is way too much analysing of a short term romance. You shouldn't even be in this place after 5 months. It should still be fun and happy, and when it isn't, it's a sign it's not the right person. These are basic dating rules are they not? Why wait until the last minute, squeeze the last drop out of the relationship?

 

I hope my words don't hurt. I honestly worry, and feel sad for you.

 

But this thread is hard to read sometimes...

[basscatcher]

But this thread is hard to read sometimes...

 

I understand ths thread is hard to read at times. I have been on a roller coaster and my brain just bounces all over trying to figure it out and let go.

Classic Scorpio isn't it.. Research, Analyze, Exhaust all resources, searching for a Conclusion I can Accept and Live with. Deep feeler, Deep thinker, committed, loyal, Demanding, devoted, doting, detail oriented, unpredictable, and ever so Confusing... :lmao:

 

I really have to give LS'rs credit for living through it.

 

I see good in everyone.. Even the worse apples in the bunch I tend to search out the good and hold onto it.

Charlie is a GEM (what GEM is absolutely PERFECT... There is nothing perfect in this world.. Except GOD... Putting him on a pedestal it may seem but I know he isn't God. He has many good and wonderful traits and qualities but my deepest needs; he hasn't been able to meet.

If he ever could? I don't know.

 

Are we finished yet? In my mind; not my heart.

[Art_Critic]

Charlie is a GEM (what GEM is absolutely PERFECT... There is nothing perfect in this world.. Except GOD... Putting him on a pedestal it may seem but I know he isn't God.

 

This is sad...

[alphamale]

This is sad...

what A_c? that this thread is still going, and going.....and going

[whichwayisup]

Even God isn't perfect. Nobody is.

 

I truly don't know where things are going. In my mind I know it is safest and maybe the healthiest to cut Charlie from my life. Then again, how do I accept the feelings I hold for him

 

Take the time you need and listen to your gut. Not your heart because right now it's hurting too much and clouding your mind - Though, with that being said, you ARE aware that what has been going on with you and Charlie isn't healthy most of the time. A pattern has been set and unless BOTH of you can get off that track and get on a new one to start over and grow together, then it doesn't look good. I'm sorry.

 

"One of the problems with 'nice guys' is that they falsely believe that most females are made of up sugar and spice and everything nice..."

- Alphamale (quoted at a party, July, 2004)

 

You actually said that???

[Art_Critic]

what A_c? that this thread is still going, and going.....and going

 

no.. it is sad that she only gives weight to his good qualities...

 

He has broken up with her and all she can see is what she has lost..

 

What she is missing is what she has gained from the breakup.. She has gained the fact that she won't live a life of misery with that man.

 

So far from what I have witnessed she has been torn up over him almost the whole relationship..

 

that is what is sad

[whichwayisup]

Neither of them truely got to just enjoy the 'relationship.' They both missed out on just the fun, getting to know you stage and went right into fullblown relationship with all the intense stuff.

 

I don't know, maybe the timing wasn't right due to where he was emotionally.

[basscatcher]

He has broken up with her and all she can see is what she has lost..

He hasnt officially broken up with me... He took space for himself to think.

I am the one who is seriously thinking of breaking it off. NOT him.. I beleive he is the type to hold on and just let time pass by as is..

He did that for 3 years with his xgf.. She would break it off and he allowed it, she would come back and he allowed it.. Over and Over.

 

I see good in everyone and that is what I focus on. I don't dismiss the bad stuff; I chose to not make it my center of attention and dismiss the person just because they have flaws.

 

WWIU--I don't know, maybe the timing wasn't right due to where he was emotionally.

 

I truly believe this with all my being.. He wasn't ready. At least as ready as I was.

[whichwayisup]

She would break it off and he allowed it, she would come back and he allowed it.. Over and Over.

 

And he doesn't like confrontation or making waves. He is laid back and happy with how life moves along. If you hadn't had any issues and brought them up to him, I think in his mind the whole relationship was fine. No problems, things are what they are and that is that. So, because of that, he never learned to stand up for himself and say ENOUGH! I'm not taking that crap anymore!

 

Most men don't like controversy and having to have 'talks' to sort things out. It isn't easy to do.

 

I see good in everyone and that is what I focus on. I don't dismiss the bad stuff; I chose to not make it my center of attention and dismiss the person just because they have flaws.

 

That is a good way of living, but when it comes to relationships, and the bad stuff is happening more frequently, it floats to the top so it gets seen.

[basscatcher]

And he doesn't like confrontation or making waves. He is laid back and happy with how life moves along. If you hadn't had any issues and brought them up to him, I think in his mind the whole relationship was fine. No problems, things are what they are and that is that. So, because of that, he never learned to stand up for himself and say ENOUGH! I'm not taking that crap anymore!

 

Exactly!! You perfectly described him to a T..

 

He told me over and over that there is nothing wrong.

He said we don't have any problems in his eyes.

He said we have a good relationship.

He said that it is me over analyzing everything and reading way to deep into everything. He said I could make 'Anything" out of nothing.

 

He dismisses so much and just moves along--goes with the flow--doesn't stand up--settles--accepts--lives in a dream world..--laid back.

[alphamale]

He said I could make 'Anything" out of nothing.

i could definately believe that