whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Exactly!! You perfectly described him to a T.. He told me over and over that there is nothing wrong. He said we don't have any problems in his eyes. He said we have a good relationship. He said that it is me over analyzing everything and reading way to deep into everything. He said I could make 'Anything" out of nothing. He dismisses so much and just moves along--goes with the flow--doesn't stand up--settles--accepts--lives in a dream world..--laid back. See, most men are like this. They are HAPPY with things as they are. In Charlie's mind, I'm sure of this actually, he more than likely thinks, I enjoy her, I am happy, I gave her a ring, we have sex, good sex - and we're together....So, what's the problem?? That is simple thinking. Inside the box where it is safe. I believe you have opened his eyes because you've MADE him react, instead of sit back and be passive. NOW he HAS to make some changes, good or bad outcome, those changes have to happen inside him whether he likes it or not. I wouldn't say he lives in a dream world, I think it just doesn't take much to make him happy. He is content as things are. To be honest, I like that attitude and it's easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 i could definately believe that Alphie-- :p Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 I believe you have opened his eyes because you've MADE him react, instead of sit back and be passive. NOW he HAS to make some changes, good or bad outcome, those changes have to happen inside him whether he likes it or not. I pray so, even if he and I aren't together, at least, maybe, he will be more whole when he does get involved with another. Passiveness is good in its context but it can also be damaging because you can lose opportunities on beneficial things in life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Also, being passive is a shield so one doesn't have to change, or go through any sort of tubulance in life. You know he's been hurt in the past and so that always justifies why he is the way he is. Whether or not he says verbally acknowledges it - Inside he knows his experience with you has changed him. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Alphie-- :p with close to 400 posts on this thread alone regarding this subject....I rest my case Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 with close to 400 posts on this thread alone regarding this subject....I rest my case Just shows how great it is when someone is going through something, how we all jump in and help. If this was my thread, and everybody was posting and helping me, I'd be really touched by it all... PS you're still like 2,000 posts behind me, eh! Link to post Share on other sites
big_girls_rock Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 I had a bf like that, he was too affectionate and I was too reserved and though I really liked him it didn't work out because he was in love with the thought of being in love but it was too soon. So I guess you could call me the person in which those questions were geared towards. I ended up reaching out and opening up to him but it was all have faked. I wanted to feel those things but not that soon- we knew eachother for 7 months but dated for like 2 and he was already saying he loved me the first week we started dating. Freaked me out- during our relationship I decided I needed a break and we both promised that we would wait until I was done with schooling and he invested in another relationship while we were together/breaking. So to answer your question- no I would'nt. Why invest in a relationship that is apperently not sought after from both parties. Your waisting your time and energy and emotions on someone who dosn't feel the same way about you, not to mention you've had sex with that person and given your all when he/she has basically taken it for granted. I would'nt screw someone who won't even give me a hug when I need one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 someone who won't even give me a hug when I need one. He has hugged me, kissed me, touched me but his hugs aren't embraces like you give to someone you care about. His hugs are like a hug you would give a associate friend. Not the kind where you wrap your arms around the person, pull them in with a firm and warm embrace, and bring your head down near them. He has only hugged me in an embrace when he is drunk. He has kissed me but infrequently. He doesn't greet or say goodbye with a kiss unless I initiate it. He will kiss me out of the blue if I have purposely been distant to him. His touches are also when I purposely distance myself from him or when he is drunk. i don't think it right that a person has to use alcohol to get the nerve to show how he/she feels about someone. Use alcohol to kill your insecurities and/or concious. I think its immature and cowardly. I think when he feels I am not giving him affection he notices and subconcioiusly initiates it. I have purposely held back paying attention to him and he reaches out for me when I walk by or he comes to me where I am. I don't want to have to act like I am pulling away from him to get him to rubberband back to me.. NO.. I don't like games. (Reminds me of Pavalov and his dog) Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Maybe this is why Charlie has always been more successful at sustaining friendships with the women in his life rather than being successful at maintaining romantic relationships? He sounds to me to have all the qualities that make him a great, fun "buddy" … but just hits shy of having that extra little something that most women look for in a loving partner. Maybe having spent enough time with Charlie, you're just finding out what the other women in his life already know?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 Maybe this is why Charlie has always been more successful at sustaining friendships with the women in his life rather than being successful at maintaining romantic relationships? He sounds to me to have all the qualities that make him a great, fun "buddy" … but just hits shy of having that extra little something that most women look for in a loving partner. Maybe having spent enough time with Charlie, you're just finding out what the other women in his life already know?? :lmao: Could be.... I know I don't look forward to that talk.. It breaks my heart. I hurts... We always have hopes when we meet someone that THEY will be the ONE. All I can see is I can't live the way I have in this relationship. Things would have to definitly change. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 We always have hopes when we meet someone that THEY will be the ONE. somethimes I think that this is the only reason why many people keep on attempting to give new relationships a try... personally i'm getting to the point where relationships just aren't worth it anymore. i'm happier by myself and just getting a call-girl once or twice per month Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 i'm happier by myself and just getting a call-girl once or twice per month My Dad used to tell my brother and I all the time that getting married sux .. it is better and cheaper to just get a maid and a whore. I know in my marriage it would've defiantly been cheaper Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 .. it is better and cheaper to just get a maid and a whore. I agree...its not worth the emotional turmoil just to get some pussy. I'm calling 1-800-FRENCH-MAIDS when i get home Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 You both are sick... That kind of talk is the reason why so many women are heartbroken, desperate, bitches and basketcases... Negative Philosophy Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 My Dad used to tell my brother and I all the time that getting married sux .. it is better and cheaper to just get a maid and a whore. I know in my marriage it would've defiantly been cheaper Oh MY GOD, I just had an idea for a business venture. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 You both are sick... That kind of talk is the reason why so many women are heartbroken, desperate, bitches and basketcases... Negative Philosophy Or maybe they're that way because of all the heartbroken, desperate, bitches and basketcases... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Oh MY GOD, I just had an idea for a business venture. it won't work, there was already an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry hired a maid to clean his apt. and the they started having sex. After a while she just came over and had sex and took the money and did not clean anything.... Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 I still think Pada's situation parallels with amazing similarities, along the lines of my own, with B**. I have had to catch up with the posts since my last one and absorb the many details given by everyone. Folks, if these two men (Pada's Charlie and my B**) were to meet on a plane somewhere, they'd take time to buy each other a drink before going their separate ways, at least, -if not promise to keep in touch! They're definitely brothers, -and have awesome, interesting 'game'. I am making the comparison based on their, (obvious to me) -knowledge of what they are/were (and will keep) doing. They each know they have a problem, they each know they have had it all along, they each did not find it pertinent to mention this trait of emotional deficiency in the very beginning, and were both fully aware that, if they did, any girl looking for a real relationship wouldn't stay. I do not forgive them of that. The fact that these men having this problem of showing affection, withholding and limiting romantic emotions just up to a designated point, for the purpose of leading the 'unsuspecting along', is not only heart breaking -it's downright cruel. They knew in the beginning what was more than likely to happen, -they've bound to have had these experiences before....but they just 'forgot' to mention them to the 'new' girl. The only thing, I think, that allows them to be labeled as Commitment Phobes, and isolated to a category all their own, is that -unlike Serial Daters,and Players, who are almost never outwardly-reaching, seriously romantically-entrenched 'feeling' beings with any of their relationships- CP's do have this conscious, dysfunctionally operating, but still present and producing romantic emotions, and which he has not yet quite mastered the skill of reacting totally 'dead' to any feelings attempting to 'grow' in a relationship. Serial Daters and Players are largely narcissistic in nature, -Commitment Phobes have a smaller dose of this trait, but are capable of producing emotions which are willfully 'pent-up', walled-up, and protected from access by any possible mate without 'permission'. Permission, that, he will likely not be giving, -but it is worthy to note that the feelings are still there, -just being viciously ignored and denied by himself, as a means of protection. I think that, by living this way for a prolonged time, a CP can actually fool himself into believing he is 'stronger', more 'manly' by behaving the way he does, and may even view himself as his similarly traited brothers, the Serial Dater and the Player. Maybe it's his wishful thinking he could actually be like them, unfeeling, careless, even cruel, if needed -that makes him see himself in this light. But he's not, he can't -and he still has the feelings- and that keeps this battle and confusion of emotions raging, -his conscious, still peeking out, at times, only to frustrate him further, and make him pull back even farther. So, if the CP is truly resigned himself to live in this way, I believe, over time, the 'numbness' develops...he make more of a concerted effort to ignore the feelings....stuffs them...hides them....purposely withholds them...denies them....and just pretends they have no value....and he gets better at it....more skilled. This is the problem that needs 'fixing'....it's the thing that neither Pada, nor I can do anything about. That problem was a 'biggie' to begin with and, critical to the present outcome and progression of things, -it was hidden from our obvious view. And, again, -emphatically- because these men deliberately did that, -hid it from our view- I, personally, am less willing to forgive , less willing to let them 'slide' on their responsibility to act with honesty and common decency towards any woman -any human- who, in meeting anyone, expects just that. They knew. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 I agree...its not worth the emotional turmoil just to get some pussy. I'm calling 1-800-FRENCH-MAIDS when i get home I think I've just had a stroke from laughing too hard! :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 I can hear Anger all through this post.. But Amen I say and Bravo.. Very good insight and I am glad you shared . thank you.. Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Pada, I really think charlie, is just not on the same page as you want him to be at this time. you need to stop fussing over what you expect from him and instead just have fun and enjoy his company. 6 months is not that long and he is telling you by his actions that he is a step behind you. Just relax have fun and if the relationship progresses then great, if not you will move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 I have been feeling quite calm today compared to other times. I took some time and went back through this whole thread and pulled out things that people said that I found very insightful and giving excellant advice to my situation.. I am truly amazed at everyone's ability to 'see into' another person's pain, confusion, anger and outcome. I copied and pasted every meaningful comment in a word doc and I came up with almost 6 full pages of very insightful comments and suggestions. There is a little bit from everyone.. Thank you. I will use these to look back and weight my checks and balances against wisdom and experience. Although, I do believe it is inevitable, Charlie and I won't last.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 How are things with Mr Landscaper? Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 How are things with Mr Landscaper? This thread got so long and things changed so I started here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t85505/ This will update you Link to post Share on other sites
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