Frustrated_in_LA Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Hi all- I hope everyone is doing well. I am home tonight, supposedly working on a paper, but my mind is wandering to a new boy that I met. He is good looking, really sweet, and I think I could really like him. The problem is he is soo sooo shy! We've hung out a few times now. We met on one of those internet dating services almost year ago, we met then, I liked him, but then I moved away for the summer where I started a relationship (that ended in December). So about a month ago, I signed up for the internet service again and I "met" him again. We've talked a few times and have hung out a few times since then. He told me he is really shy which I am ok with. He's also a self-described "nerd" which is also fine- I like braniacs. The problem is that I like braniacs with confidence and he really doesn't act like he has any, at least not much of it and not around me. He told me that he is "unsure" of himself, which, I am ok with because so am I- especially when I'm first begining to date someone- but I'm starting to think its going to be a problem if he doesn't start relaxing soon because its making ME second guess MY every move. When the conversation flows, its really nice. But sometimes the conversation falls off into silence and I find myself asking him questions just to keep it going. His "unsure"-ness gets in the way other ways too. A few times that I have asked him if he'd like to do something (like if he'd like some juice when he asked me for some water) he responds as if he's trying to please me by accepting my suggestion "ah, yeah, ok, sure, juice is good"), when really I AM simply asking what he would like ("I have water too, would you like that instead?"). Its happened a few times so I've told him, I'm not suggesting anything, I'm really just trying to please him by presenting options. But I still get the sense that he is not that experienced with dating and is trying to do the "right" things. Its making me self-conscious, like I need to be careful not to make suggestions lest it come across as too pushy, to just wait for him to express a desire rather than risk making him feel like I want him to do something in particular. Also, because I am attracted to him and because I am really deep down a big old horndog, I slept with him on our first real date (though we'd hung out informally and talked a few times before- but yeah, I guess I violated "the rules" by having sex too soon in the relationship). It started as heavy petting on the couch and because I am a raging scorpio, I just straddled him and invited him to spend the night! It was good sex, very satisfying (I think for both of us or so he said) and I thought caught a glimmer of some confidence. But, the next morning, when I thought that maybe with that experience behind him, he would relax a little bit, he didn't. Despite several attempts at morning sex on my part - which involved me in various stages of undress kissing him although I admit I didn't exactly grab his penis and ask "would you like to have sex again?", he did not respond. Maybe he just doesn't like morning sex. He called a few times the next day, was really sweet and we had some nice conversations. He called again today, asked me to dinner. Tonight I just asked him if I was too forward the other night and he said no. But maybe this is him just trying to answer correctly? I don't know how to read him- whether he is expressing his opinion or just trying not to make me feel bad about how sexually aggressive I was. So now, I am trying not to be aggressive, sexually or otherwise while still trying to assure him that I am interested in hopes that he will start feeling and acting with more confidence. Will this work? Or will the both of us being unsure of making the next move lead to a stand still altogether? How can I boost his confidence? If he doesn't start acting more self-assured soon, I am going to feel like a really pushy, oversexed crazy woman and I don't like that feeling! Should I give up? Be myself? Try some new tricks to boost his confidence? Help!
justagirliegirl Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Shy reclusive men are difficult to get to know and date. Many women wouldn't be bothered with them and they know that but most of them are good solid decent men if given a chance. Many of them will retreat in a shell at random and usually at times of stress or times of change. I think you almost need a zen like attitude with them as sometimes their ways can be frustrating. Don't worry about things. He'll come out a little at a time. They are often self-conscious and fear doing the wrong thing. So don't worry about him just going along with drinks or whatever. I think because of their passiveness it can be easy to fall into a parent/child role so just be aware a little. I don't think there is anything you can do to make him more self-confident. He already knows you like him and he likes you. If you are a sexual dynamo like I am it can be a little overwhelming so just back off a bit sometimes and let him initiate and lead. I can't think of anything else to say. It is different than the usual type of guy but once I figured things out a little, it is very worth it.
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 From whatever you have written I think he is the typical Nice Guy
cjcurry Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Whoa - hold on. Making someone more confident = changing a person. Those are dangerous waters. Do you think he is unhappy with his confidence level? Ask yourself this- If you and him can't be yourselves, is it worth it? My thought is that you are also going out of your way to make him feel comfortable. It is not up to you to boost his confidence - that can only come from inside him. If you are constantly altering your behavior to suit him, then you are going to wind up frustrated and unhappy. For instance, you seem to be well in touch with your sexual side, and you enjoy and want good sex. You may not get that, however, if you don't take the lead. Will it work? Seems a little early to tell. Give it some more time. Boosting his confidence? Again, not your job. Give up? No, but you have to communicate how you feel. Be yourself? That is the best plan. If you are happy with who you are, why would you change?
Author Frustrated_in_LA Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 I guess time will tell if his personality and mine will connect. So far I do like him and he seems to like me too. I'm not fretting- I guess in my dream world I'd like someone to take more initiative, to "sweep me off my feet." But that is not reality, at least not right now. So, I'll wait, see how this develops, have patience, cool my heels. Thanks!
SuperMonk Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I should get on these online dating sites. Anyways, confidence is something a guy has to learn. So far so good - he is doing part of his job in this relationship with you and vice versa. Some guys don't mind a woman wearing the pants in the relationship. I know my best friend (woman) who wears the pants and her boyfriend (also my friend) seems okay about, okay enough that he proposed to her for marriage with a $8k diamond ring last year after 3 years of being serious. If both of ya personality is good, and the attraction is mutual. Everything else is negotiable.
Guest Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I guess time will tell if his personality and mine will connect. So far I do like him and he seems to like me too. I'm not fretting- I guess in my dream world I'd like someone to take more initiative, to "sweep me off my feet." But that is not reality, at least not right now. So, I'll wait, see how this develops, have patience, cool my heels. Thanks! Thats what happens if you go round f**king everyone in sight. How would you know whether he had the right personality for you if you dont give it a few dates before you get "involved". Its not his problem to change his personality for you. Shag first and ask questions later? Some people will never learn... ( and please dont taint all Scorpios with the same brush, its a very old astrological concept that they all are nymphos)
loveheart59 Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I guess time will tell if his personality and mine will connect. So far I do like him and he seems to like me too. I'm not fretting- I guess in my dream world I'd like someone to take more initiative, to "sweep me off my feet." But that is not reality, at least not right now. So, I'll wait, see how this develops, have patience, cool my heels. Thanks! This is what happens when you go round f**king everyone in sight. How exactly were you to know that he was the right type of boyfriend for you if you only waited one date before you got "involved":sick: . And then you blame it on him when its not up to him to change for you to feel better. Shag first, ask questions later? You effin crazy! (and please dont tar all Scorpios with the same brush, its an old astrological concept that they all sleep around so you dont need to use it as an excuse for your promiscuity)
SuperMonk Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 This is what happens when you go round f**king everyone in sight. How exactly were you to know that he was the right type of boyfriend for you if you only waited one date before you got "involved":sick: . And then you blame it on him when its not up to him to change for you to feel better. Shag first, ask questions later? You effin crazy! (and please dont tar all Scorpios with the same brush, its an old astrological concept that they all sleep around so you dont need to use it as an excuse for your promiscuity) Hmm dunno, the funny thing is my best friend who is getting married is a Scorpio too. Regardless of astrological sign, if she wants some and then sort out details later that's fine too.
SmoochieFace Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Shag first, ask questions later? You effin crazy! My thought exactly... To the OP... This is why you spend time to get to know the person instead of engaging in sex right off the bat... you've *done it* and now you're *expecting* him to *change* somehow. Seems to me you've *snagged* him with the sex and now you're beginning to clamour for change on his part. Here's a question - why did you sleep with him so soon AND with the knowledge that he may not be *right* for you?
cjcurry Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 In FiLA's defence, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with sex on the first date. If he didn't want it he could have stopped you. It just sounds like he is less experienced than you, and perhaps understandably less comfortable with sex. I don't think you've given him a complex though.
Author Frustrated_in_LA Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 In FiLA's defence, If he didn't want it he could have stopped you. . Thanks for recognizing his agency! We are two adults (31 and 32) - grown people. He could have said "let's slow down" just as some of you are saying I should have. Or do those of you who think that also think that men are so weakwilled when it comes to sex that they no longer can think for themselves? You should really give men more credit than that!
genegri Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 when people reach 30 or older, men are not necessarly more horny than women. if you can bag the man and enjoy sex, go for it girl! if not, at least you have enjoyed sex
noclobber Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I really don't understand why people are getting at frustrated_in_la! I don't think she having sex with that guy is the problem. The real problem is the confidence level of the guy she is dating. Atleast she knows that that guy was comfortable enough to have sex with her Frustrated_in_LA, I think you are doing a wonderful job. You are being patient with this 'nice guy' and giving him a chance. Most other women would have him tossed aside by now and gone after the more confident 'bad boys'. I think its going to take a while for him to open up to you. Some guys are just shy... But I would also suggest you to not waste too much time with him if you think he is not going to improve. That's an indication that your personalities just don't mesh.
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