Talking

[neiu]

I was thinking, if you do no contact but you don't tell the other person and they say do the samething. Time passes, the dust settles and you've settled down a bit but you are still thinking about your ex wanting to contact them but you don't because you feel as though they might not want to hear from you but they really do and they're thinking exactly what you're thinking, then is it better to not know? and would it even matter who initiates the contact? I know most of you will say NC but really if that was the case that each person didn't say anything for the fear of rejection or being hurt again, then how can you say NC is the best option? Just a thought seeing how this is a second chance forum

[Still_In_Love]

Every break up is different, however most that use NC are the ones that have been dumped. It is design for individuals to heal and move forward with their own lives, gain control over themselves and start respecting themselves again. In some low percentage situations, it is a way of getting your ex back...but chances are very low!!

If you are the one that was dumped and you call them, you are opening yourself up for further rejection and hurt all over again. If your ex wants to talk to you, they can contact you...if they don't then it's obvious that they have moved on and want no part of you.

[riobikini]

RE:

Neiu: "I was thinking, if you do no contact but you don't tell the other person and they say do the samething. Time passes, the dust settles and you've settled down a bit but you are still thinking about your ex wanting to contact them but you don't because you feel as though they might not want to hear from you but they really do and they're thinking exactly what you're thinking, then is it better to not know? and would it even matter who initiates the contact? I know most of you will say NC but really if that was the case that each person didn't say anything for the fear of rejection or being hurt again, then how can you say NC is the best option? Just a thought seeing how this is a second chance forum."

 

 

What do you need for a second chance?

 

What ingredients, that is?

 

Say you're making a sub sandwich and you go to your refrigerator and take a look.

 

Some of the stuff is there, but you really, really like mayo (and lots of it), and that nice (sliced really thin) roast beef, -but neither one is there.

 

You can still have the sub, -all the other stuff you like is there- but a few things are missing.

 

Say you knew that forever and ever, the stuff you really like would be missing.

 

Still crazy 'bout the idea?

 

It may be somewhat of a silly comparison to a relationship, but the point, I think, is made pretty clear: in a significant relationship, you really want the things you like to be there, -and not have to spend your future sadly doing without them.

 

If you're going to have a second chance at repairing and rebuilding a damaged relationship, at least, some of the key ingredients you both need should have already been established before the breakup.

 

Other, less significant things can be done without or 'substituted', but, remember, it should be a mutual agreement or compromise bearing directly on the 'missing things', i.e. they should be something you both can truly live without.

 

Break for a moment from the sandwich parallel (Smile...a sandwich break, if you will).

 

Obviously, if you split up, in the first place, there were issues and/or problems that need to be considered.

 

Are they 'fixable'? Are you both like-minded in wanting to fix them?

 

Are you both willing to reasonably compromise, if necessary?

 

Are you both ready to work on forgiving each other of any transgressions or rash, hurtful words, or actions?

 

Just a few things to get the ball rolling without even touching on whether there's this great mountain of love that still exists, because, with second chances, it's the kind(s) of problems that have to be identified first, before the love can be re-introduced to begin helping mend all that, -again, mutually.

 

Yes, there may be love towering in the background, and is the very thing that's driving you to the negotiating table, but the problems that tore you apart, are the very things that will keep you from mending the relationship (or mending it properly), if you choose to ignore them.

 

Second chances do exist, -there just has to be the right ingredients there, -and people who are mature enough to recognize the difference between what can be mended, and what should be grieved for and then buried.

 

And that is so hard to do when your emotions have the power to misdirect and blind you.

 

It is also some of the reason why others may, after having their own, perhaps, negative experiences, advise you to immediately begin 'NC'.

 

Limited contact, rather than 'NC', is actually a good plan to begin with, at least, for a time.

 

You need time to review the relationship for viability, and it's best done without in-person influence of the ex.

 

While the in-person 'NC' is needed for awhile, the question of other types of contact still remain, such as email, phone, etc.

 

If you both know that you may want to give yourselves a second chance to repair the damage, and you can both agree on no in-person contact, the issue of having other types of contact may be OK due to the impending negotiation for retrial of the relationship, -but in some cases, total no contact for a few days, until your personal review is complete, is best.

 

Now, the whole point of the no contact issue, here, is obviously, to allow each of you time to think about the relationship and whether or not you even want to save it, at all.

 

Once you've made your review, and reached your decision, of course, you have to make contact with each other with the results.

 

If you wind up deciding that you just don't see how it could work, then tell her/him so, -and, after separating yourself from personal belongings, assets, bank accounts, etc., go ahead and establish full 'NC', which will be hell, but will offer you protection from alot of false hope and digging in the wound.

 

If you choose to come back to the table and are both hell-bent on seeing what you've both got to work with, then 'congratulations!'

 

The issue of contact, though, will still be a concern, -here's how/why:

 

When two people agree on 'trying it' again, -the worst thing you can do is jump right in with both feet and let the recent highly-charged emotions blind you from your proposed goal(s) in repairing the damage.

 

You stand a good chance of falling right back into the same rut that broke you up to begin with.

 

Your reconciliations are still being tested, i.e. you need proof that she stopped cheating with the other guy, you need verification through actions that he won't take you for granted again: those kinds of things.

 

And all that takes time.

 

There is an element of suspicion that has to be stamped out and it still requires proof in the pudding, and one of the best ways to see proof in a relationship is to watch from a distance.

 

That's why there's still a contact issue here.

 

Keep a reasonable distance for the sake of learning if you are able to trust each other again, without monitoring from the close quarters of the same residence for awhile.

 

Stay in close contact with each other, -but work on rebuilding a stronger trust, i.e. go back to a mental 'first date' mode in relationship to contact, then ease into the reforming relationship, over time.

 

You'll know when it feels right, again- when you've accomplished a feeling of mutual satisfaction and trust that both of you are going to do what you said you would and are fully committed to pulling together as real partners.

 

Hope this helps some.

 

-Rio

[neiu]

still in love: I understand the concept of NC and that if someone were to break up with you and never contacted you again is because they have moved on and want nothing to do with you. My point is that they do NC as well as you because you both respect each other's space and need for time to get over the hurt a breakup results in. I mean sometimes a breakup is necessary if things aren't working out and even through trying to talk it out while still in the relationship may not work because both people are too caught up in things and what they have been doing is a habit that nothing can happen unless something major like a breakup happens. however say time passes and you think it might be worth another shot but neither one of you has spoken in awhile nor know what is going on in each other's lives, then would it be worth the contact.

 

rio: thanks for a more indepth response and I understand what you're trying to say. So really, I guess it comes down to if you really think that person is what you need and if they are worth your time. And if they are then have you changed and are you willing to try and trust again with this person. I suppose mentally you just have to be strong knowing that despite how you want things to turn it, it could turn for the worst and you just have to be strong enough to carry on with minimal damage. I guess its like meeting someone new for the first time and if they blow you off then you deal with it and move on to the next one. I figure second chances aren't really second chances, basically you start from scratch again for a true relationship to work.

 

frankly i'm not sure if i even make sense anymore, its late and i'm tired and i'm just rambling on now. so i guess i'll just leave it at that then.

[Kengne]

Time passes, the dust settles and you've settled down a bit but you are still thinking about your ex wanting to contact them but you don't because you feel as though they might not want to hear from you but they really do and they're thinking exactly what you're thinking, then is it better to not know? and would it even matter who initiates the contact?

 

Chances are - maybe your ex (the Dumper) WILL want to hear from you after a period of NC.

 

BUT - that DOES NOT mean they are thinking of reconciling! They could just be missing you as a friend in their life.

 

If you are prepared to handle this - and hear them say "Hey - I missed you too!" but WITHOUT any mention of reconciliation - then go ahead, break NC.

 

Because I really & truly believe that IF the Dumper wants to get back their ex - they WILL initiate contact. Truss me. They will hunt, dig & search you out.

 

Don't make excuses for them (they're afraid of rejection and THAT'S why they haven't contacted me!) as a reason for you to break NC.

 

K.

[neiu]

Good point Kengne, thanks. I had originally posted back a month ago in the coping forum about her bday and how she had invited me but this was after not talking to her for 2 months. however i did see her at a function which i knew she would be at and she came up to me after spotting me and asked for a hug and then proceeded to tell me a smelled good. and no i was not actively seeking her out, if anything i was actively making sure i would avoid her at all costs which did not happen. mean i would say and uncalled for seeing how the last time i had spoken to her about us which was at the end of nov. she had said just to leave things as they were and after that we both blocked and deleted each other off msn and had no contact. Weird too, we spoke in nov after my bday cause she was at my bday and was all over me and we ended up kissing which caught me off guard. her response was she was drunk, didn't think and she still had feelings for me yet had moved on which makes no sense to me. i did end up sending her a xmas card with a letter, nothing much in the letter, no pleading or stuff like that and she responded with thanking me but no happy xmas or new year so after that i said screw it and haven't been in contact since. i don't see myself breaking NC anytime soon nor do i think i will. however i guess i do miss her and wish to speak and see her again. i don't know why i feel like this seeing how why i should care for someone who obviously does not care for me. i guess the thing that caught me most off guard is after NC for so long, why would she invite me to her bday knowing that we weren't speaking, i haven't seen her in months and i told her in no way i will be a friend to her. just my thoughts, just trying to work it out in my mind so i can get some peace

[justhavetoletgo]

I was thinking, if you do no contact but you don't tell the other person and they say do the samething. Time passes, the dust settles and you've settled down a bit but you are still thinking about your ex wanting to contact them but you don't because you feel as though they might not want to hear from you but they really do and they're thinking exactly what you're thinking, then is it better to not know? and would it even matter who initiates the contact? I know most of you will say NC but really if that was the case that each person didn't say anything for the fear of rejection or being hurt again, then how can you say NC is the best option? Just a thought seeing how this is a second chance forum

 

well i did nc it was working but i always had in the back of my head what if i miss a second chance we talked last night for an hour and are going to keep talking to see if anything happens what she said made sense though and it does depend on how the breakup happeneed......but if you never talk to them how can you reunite or become together again..............hopefully this works out and we are together but i don't wanna get to quick to think about that stuff

[neiu]

just have to go: but in your situation were you the dumper or dumpee and how long of NC did you do until you decided to talk to her

[neiu]

well the wanting to make contact phase still hasn't subsided yet and i think it's because my housemates are always in contact with her since we all used to be friends. they're all going out tonight and my housemate really wants me to come but i declined for the fact that i don't want to be messed with again as she always seems to be able to when she drinks or goes out. i just don't know whats keeping me from moving on from her and i wish the feelings would just die but they don't. frankly, i don't know if talking to her is going to really resolve anything. I guess i'm caught in the middle of do i make contact to see if something can happen again or not make contact and hope for better things to come. it sucks and i hate to admit it but i feel so lost in all of this. it doesn't really help with my friend's father tragically passing away recently and i have yet to talk to her. i'm just having a hard time with things lately i guess and thoughts of her just isn't helping.

[chocolate_boy]

It's a brave thing to do... be prepared for the fact that the ex may have somebody new. How would you feel about that?

[neiu]

you know i thought about that and i know that there is a chance...probably a huge chance that she is with someone new but i don't know if it will help me to move on to know that she has someone now or it'll set me back further knowing that she really wants nothing to do with me. but then it could be the fact that she waited but i made no attempts and she knows that i avoid her at all costs and i don't talk to her so she thinks that its better not to bother me. i mean i read people's opinions on the whole talking situation and some swear by it but some try and fail and then there are those that end up having contact and succeed so yeah i don't really know what to think

[neiu]

so i did end up going out last night. it was actually really fun and yeah she was there but it didn't bother me and i think i'm finally over her. i needed to go out last night to face it head on to see how i would be. and i was fine, i put my foot down and made sure that she knows she no longer can mess with my head. i didn't talk to her or even make eye contact, she was just someone who i didn't know and didn't want to get to know and its true in the sense that i don't know her anymore, so many months of not talking and almost a year since the break up, shes a totally different person. and then i ended up meeting a girl, making out with her and then proceeded to take her home all infront of the ex and i'm finally happy. i think i've put away the chapter with her for good and finally opening up the next one and we'll see how things go.