I love my man, but he is a cheater, how can I end the heartache?

[soitgoes]

I need some motivational advice.

I met my boyfriend when I was 20, he 21. It's almost 7 years later now. We love each other but I cannot trust him. He has cheated on me and lied about it multiple times. After all we've been through I still feel he can't admit to it. Saying that when something happened we were "broken up" (when I knew we weren't) or that I was overreacting or that it was that I wasn't paying enough attention to him. Ultimately blaming me for his lying. I have been faithful during our entire relationship, even the broken up times.

I am afraid of losing him. I have grown so close to his family, and them, me. Our time together is amazing and I am afraid I cannot find someone I love as much.

In august of 2004 I found out he had interests in yet another woman. He had lied about where he was and the way he was treating me was a sure sign. I ended it and told him that I could never go through it again. I moved to the city, got my dream job I had been searching for for years and tried to move on. In november around my birthday I let him back into my life. By december he had told me everything I wanted to hear and convinced me that he would never hurt me again, never lie to me again.

It has been over a year of everything being great and me thinking he had really changed, until a few weekends ago. I was at his house and while he was out of the room a woman called his cell, then the house. I answered saying I was his girlfriend and handed him the phone. He first said it was a work friend, then later told the truth that it was a friend from the bar. Saying that she likes him but he hasn't done anything. While arguing he fought me out of the house claiming that he has friends that are girls and I have to deal with it. I was hurt and couldn't believe the pattern was forming again.

We talked on the phone and I said I thought we should meet and talk about all that was going on. I was depressed, couldn't stop crying, thinking. He said he didn't care and didn't want to deal with my bs anymore (which is a pattern- him being mean after he's caught). I said then I guess it's over and haven't talked to him since.

My problem now is that I am afraid of him contacting me in a few weeks with more empty promises. I am afraid of believing him again because of how strong my love is. He has admitted before that his is a prick, but he will be a great husband. I feel that he knows he want's a future with me but in the present he wants to have fun with whoever can ask the new questions and have this new interest in him. I am afraid that if I take him back again and we get married someday I will constantly be looking over my shoulder. Some day finding susie homemaker from down the street's number on the caller id. What if we have children at that point? What if I end up never feeling truly loved? I feel like he wants me in his life, but only if he can find out that there isn't anyone better first.

I am just searching for anyone who has gone through this and has any advice. I know that I should have no contact and move on, but it is really difficult when you love someone so strongly. We have been together for so long that we have all the same friends. I also feel like such a failure that I have let myself be a victim again.

Please someone give me some advice.

[huz68qog]

first thing first, you can't keep no man who don't wanna be kept. it is my opinion that women, we love harder than men. we put up with so much s*** from man. And when things go wrong as far as cheating goes we listen to his sorry lame excuse and convince ourself that he is infact truly sorry. we even get caught up and start blaming ourself for their faults. actually considering that just maybe he's right and i wasn't there for him and i did this or that. girl it's all bulls***. it's going to be hard but you will overcome this heartache. i went through a similar situation and i just had to be true and real to myself. no matter how hard he tried i knew that he could never give me what i wanted and most all what i felt "damn it" i deserve. so my advice to you is to stay strong minded and stand firm and good will come. do not under any circumstance talk to him by phone, person or via e-mail. take this time out to focus more on your needs and wants. because once a women knows what see really wants whether it be in life or love, she's not going to settle for less. you should prefer to be by yourself and happy, then to be in love and miserable. You honestly don't want a man you can't trust, who really does. a man is only going to due what you allow him to do and with this guy he's a repeat offender. so deal with the heartache and pain because it won't last forever trust. every time you feel yourself back sliding get a piece of paper and write down all of your wants and needs. then ask yourself are you willing to settle to for less? do you feel that you deserve better? what you need to take from this relationship and learning from your mistakes. once a dog aways a dog no man changes over night. hopes this helps

 

-huz68qog:D

[soitgoes]

Your right, and thanks.

I know what your saying.

I am just so upset with myself and I feel like the only person I had to turn to I can't even have contact with.

I picture myself ,in my mind, eventually moving on and finally being happy. I know it's cruel but I want him to go through what I have gone through. I want him to love so strong and have it be crushed time and time again. I want to move on and move up- I just feel so torn right now.

Either I want complete love from him and honesty, and if I can't have that, I want him to regret what he did to me so strongly that it will affect his life forever- is that bad?

It is bad, I shouldn't even let it effect me this much. It's just really hard not to.

You said you've gone through this- are you better now? Happier now?

[huz68qog]

It's always bad to wish pain and heartache on another individual, but it's also understandable. please believe that what goes around comes around and "everthing thing he's done to you is gonna come back on him" and that's when he will understand the pain he caused you. most of girl don't beat yourself up about this because like i said it's a learning experience and although it might seem like the end of the world right now, it's now. not to get religious on you , but god will never put you in a situation that you can't control and life is full of obstacles, so think of this as an obstacle. as far as for me and my situation, girl sometimes i had bad days and other times good days. I can honestly say that i'm with my decision, to keep him out of my life for good. I feel good now because i understand and love myself. i realize when reflected on all the wrong within our relationship that i was the root of my own problem. i was wanting, needing and seeking love and affection from this man, when the harsh reality was that i didn't love and understand myself. because you have love and understand yourself before you can truly ever love another or for that matter aspect someone to love you. it's been a year now since i've back slide and from time to time i still think about him. i think about the times we shared when things were good then girl like a theft in the night the bad hits me and then all the more clear why were not together, self-love first and foremost.

 

-huz68qog

[soitgoes]

Yes, I need to fully love myself first before I can love someone else.

Maybe he has been filling what I lack in myself.

I just want to wake up one morning, have a wonderful day, then realize the next morning that I haven't thought of him at all.

That is what I need, right?

Has that happened for you?

I almost feel like I have let him control my life. If I am happy, it is because of him. If I am hurtful it is because of him.

I need my feelings to reflect what I have accomplished or not accomplished- right? Not what he has made me feel.

The most important love you need to feel is from yourself, right? So why is it so hard? I do love who I am- I shouldn't need recognition from someone else but for some reason I do.

[huz68qog]

i totally understand your position.that time will come,when you wake up and there not a thought in the day about him. get more motivated by working out, reading and doing anything that makes you feel good on the inside as well as outside. this will help to keep your mind off of him. also girl think about your needs and set aside your wants. you control your own destiny and happiness in life. it's hard right now because love can sometimes hard like hell, when you put so much of your time, energy,mind, body and soul into someone and they disappoint you, it's a slap in the face. they say that what don't kill you can only make you stronger right? it's hard because there not a rule book on who to love or when to love. love is like life you take chances not knowing what to aspect but hoping for the best outcome, when putting your best food forward. can you think of any reasons, maybe dating back to childhood, the relationship between your parents or lack of, why you be codependent? for me i didn't have a real relationship with my father. this is the type of reflecting you have to do for starters, also look at previous relationship, are there any patterns you see your self doing. i have many days when i don't think about him, but every once in a while i do think of him. love sometimes feels like it's gonna leave a lifetime scare but all wounds heal with time.

[No Stress Lady]

Tikigods is right - he doesn't love you.

 

You WILL find the right guy - the longer you spend with this jerk the more time you waste and the worse you're going to feel.

 

You know you deserve better - don't let this man walk all over your heart and get you down - he is not worth it.

 

You've wasted too long already.

 

Get rid of him and focus on yourself.

 

Make time to spend with your friends, make time for yourself and your family.

 

Tell yourself that you are special and don't try to rush into a relationship with the next guy you meet. Learn to love yourself as a single girl, learn to love the freedom of being a free agent and being free of all the negative feelings that this guy is causing in you.

 

Stop wasting your precious time and energy on him.

 

Breaking up is hard but in time, when you've met the man that's right for you - and you WILL meet him!!!! - you'll look back and be so pleased that you cut this worthless cheater out of your life - and you'll wish you'd done it sooner. Don't hesitate - the sooner you're free the sooner you can start living the life you deserve.

 

Good luck and keep posting.........

 

 

Posted this one another of the threads you started in the Cheating and Jealousy forum -thought I'd copy it here.

 

Huz68qog has given you some good advice here.

[Dinnj1]

how can I end the heartache?

 

end the relationship. Next???

[In Sync]

Sometimes I think we say "love" and when you scratch the surface a whole list of creepy crawlers reveals itself.

 

Maybe in the early stages of your relationship you thought you were in "love", but that soon became replaced with fear, denial and loss of self. When he first betrayed you, you forgave his actions and accepted him but maybe you were not acting out of love but fear of being alone. You were together for 7 years and during this period you turned a blind eye to his cheating habits and betrayed yourself and as a result felt a loss of self. Knowing you gave in to his bs. Again you denied what you knew and went along with it. All because you want to believe you 'love' him.

Not everybody had a perfect relationship with their father or parents and that can explain co-dependent needs (I, too was in denial about my ex and accepted bs so you are not alone) but the period after our breakup which we famously acknowledege here as NC allowed me to examine my creepy crawlers because I saw all my cries about love for him really just plain fear. Look beneathe the surface and explore who you are. This is the hardest part but invaluable if you care to go on and live without accepting another day of bs. As for this guy, if he's not doing the same, his "habits" won't go away. He'll smile and play good but his habit will resume. We are creatures of habit and only until we break our habits do we change our behavior.

[soitgoes]

I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement.

My relationship with my parents is great, except for the the fact that I confide too much in my mother and she knows of our back and forth in the relationship. Lately I find myself ignoring their calls or making them short- faking being happy and that all is fine. I have been doing the same with some of my friends. With my parents its because I don't want them to dislike him any more than they already do. With friends it's similar, but I also feel like a loser being in the same position again and don't want to subject them the same conversations again, them just feeling I am weak and feeling pity for me again that I keep letting myself be hurt willingly.

I am not an overweight girl as well, I do have self confidence issues but I am basically a very independent girl who lives in the city. I work in an artistic profession and it took me a long time to get where I am. I am proud of who I am but my bf, or x I should say, is someone who I constantly felt that loved me but I also constantly felt that if I changed things about me he would not feel the need to cheat- he would love only me completely. I had a job for years of us together that I accepted just because I couldn't find what I wanted. He told me I had given up- I really just thought I spent too much energy trying to make sure we were ok. Then after I broke up with him after finding him cheating again I really pursued my dream job and actually got it, moved and all that. Then he came back into the picture and I kept my guard strong, not strong enough apparently.

As of now I have kept up the no contact. It usually takes him a few weeks to get drunk at a bar and call me or stop over and I am not sure what to say if it happens. I want him to understand my hurt and the ultimatum. That I am done. He always says something to make me feel that I am being too strong and then I get a loss for words and my emotions and love for him take over.

Apart from all of this I am still really afraid of my "pictured future" change. I do still long for us to work but I also understand why it cannot.

Another thing I thought about after reading other threads is the posessiveness issue. He needs attention constantly and I am very passive. During our relationship he needed to talk to me multiple times daily and got extremely upset if I even had some drinks at home with my roommate (best girlfriend since the age of 14). When he has his nights out I rarely even call, trying to trust him and not annoy him.I even refuse outings with mutual guy friends just for the fact that if I told him he would assume something. I am just wondering if this posessive pattern is only with men who cheat- that they are always assuming the other in the relationship will be the way they are. He will even make comments about mutual guy friends- that I will hit on them or whatever, but I never have and am always confused that he makes those statements. The thing is that all the guy friends I know, we both know, and they know our relationship. So, when I found out he was lying about some girl that he was talking to on the phone that I had never head about or met I knew something was up.

I am just afraid of the next step- how can I ever believe he has changed? Even if he were to purpose I could never accept it without giving it time. I am sick of thinking about him having conversations and spending emotional time with someone other than me. I feel like I have been here for him for years- why isn't it good enough? How do I really completely let go, and how do I show him that I am done? I know time will tell and that I need to have no contact and let go but we are so intertwined with friends and famlies- how do you just ignore that? I almost feel like I should move away- but I have worked so hard to get where I am I feel like in running away I am giving up so much and letting him win. It is not a game but if I give up my goals aren't I giving in?

I have been drinking too much and I can't eat. I feel shaky and unsure, unhappy. I almost wish I could put myself in a coma for a month and wake up with an easy second chance on life and love- it's just not that easy. Maybe I need therapy.

[huz68qog]

hey, girl

first, don't fall for the reverse sociology, because a man will tell you what he thinks you want to hear time and time again. especially when drunk, he's not thinking his mistakes, your need and where it went wrong. he's thinking about one thing yes "sex is on his mind", men think it's a cure. that it relieves them of all wrong doing. there no such thing as being too strong when it regards your own well being, because only you know whats best for you. i think as women we hold on to things that in our heart aren't really healthy for us. because of the fear of starting over, especially after investing into someone for so long. this would mean that you would have to relearn another all over again. i think that man who have a possessive pattern is a sign of guilt b/c their cheating. it kills me that as much as most men lie and cheat you would think that they would be PROFESSIONAL by now. stand firm to your decision HELL stand on your decision, no if ands or buts. as fas as when you kick it with friends and family that you share, there probably already aware of the breakup. so spent time with them when your sure that he's not going to be around. because you really don't need to be in his presents, your not strong enough to face him yet. giving up on your goal, would be giving up on yourself and giving into him.

 

-huz68qog

[In Sync]

I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement.

My relationship with my parents is great, except for the the fact that I confide too much in my mother and she knows of our back and forth in the relationship. Lately I find myself ignoring their calls or making them short- faking being happy and that all is fine. I have been doing the same with some of my friends. With my parents its because I don't want them to dislike him any more than they already do. With friends it's similar, but I also feel like a loser being in the same position again and don't want to subject them the same conversations again, them just feeling I am weak and feeling pity for me again that I keep letting myself be hurt willingly.

I am not an overweight girl as well, I do have self confidence issues but I am basically a very independent girl who lives in the city. I work in an artistic profession and it took me a long time to get where I am. I am proud of who I am but my bf, or x I should say, is someone who I constantly felt that loved me but I also constantly felt that if I changed things about me he would not feel the need to cheat- he would love only me completely. I had a job for years of us together that I accepted just because I couldn't find what I wanted. He told me I had given up- I really just thought I spent too much energy trying to make sure we were ok. Then after I broke up with him after finding him cheating again I really pursued my dream job and actually got it, moved and all that. Then he came back into the picture and I kept my guard strong, not strong enough apparently.

As of now I have kept up the no contact. It usually takes him a few weeks to get drunk at a bar and call me or stop over and I am not sure what to say if it happens. I want him to understand my hurt and the ultimatum. That I am done. He always says something to make me feel that I am being too strong and then I get a loss for words and my emotions and love for him take over.

Apart from all of this I am still really afraid of my "pictured future" change. I do still long for us to work but I also understand why it cannot.

Another thing I thought about after reading other threads is the posessiveness issue. He needs attention constantly and I am very passive. During our relationship he needed to talk to me multiple times daily and got extremely upset if I even had some drinks at home with my roommate (best girlfriend since the age of 14). When he has his nights out I rarely even call, trying to trust him and not annoy him.I even refuse outings with mutual guy friends just for the fact that if I told him he would assume something. I am just wondering if this posessive pattern is only with men who cheat- that they are always assuming the other in the relationship will be the way they are. He will even make comments about mutual guy friends- that I will hit on them or whatever, but I never have and am always confused that he makes those statements. The thing is that all the guy friends I know, we both know, and they know our relationship. So, when I found out he was lying about some girl that he was talking to on the phone that I had never head about or met I knew something was up.

I am just afraid of the next step- how can I ever believe he has changed? Even if he were to purpose I could never accept it without giving it time. I am sick of thinking about him having conversations and spending emotional time with someone other than me. I feel like I have been here for him for years- why isn't it good enough? How do I really completely let go, and how do I show him that I am done? I know time will tell and that I need to have no contact and let go but we are so intertwined with friends and famlies- how do you just ignore that? I almost feel like I should move away- but I have worked so hard to get where I am I feel like in running away I am giving up so much and letting him win. It is not a game but if I give up my goals aren't I giving in?

I have been drinking too much and I can't eat. I feel shaky and unsure, unhappy. I almost wish I could put myself in a coma for a month and wake up with an easy second chance on life and love- it's just not that easy. Maybe I need therapy.

 

The more you reveal of your relationship the more it is revealing itself as one that's based on fear. Love does leave you wanting to be in a coma...and therapy is not such a bad idea. Check it out. It might shed some more insight as to what makes you feel you need this guy in your life. You are a sucess and professional in your life and yet this guy you allow to disrespect you. Don't allow this man to effect the quality of your work or lifestyle. Again that's not love. Love is nurioushing. Apparently this relationship has been draining and taking away your energy..on top of that you are being manipulated by his actions and as someone said reverse psychology. Unfortunately whenever we are personally involved and our emotions are tied to someone we hope will change it is difficult to see what others who are not personally involved do see. This guy is not going to change. You want to believe it because that is easier than cutting ties to him. Step back and really look at how this relationship is benefiiting you emotionally. Is this what you truly want in your life? Is it fulfilling? You show him that you are done by moving on and building a healtier existence for yourself.