BlahBlahQueen Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 I don't know how to describe this thing. Umm, ok, I'm distraught over the unavailability of Frank, whose OTHER GIRLFRIEND is visiting from Canada for a week... the sheer hopelessness of the situation and the fact that all my waking thoughts are consumed by him, though I shut them out and it becomes his ghost in the back of my consciousness, not formed thoughts or even a mental picture, but a vague feeling that he is missing from my life... I've been trying to stay occupied by going places, seeing friends, even having friendly dates with interesting, charming, good-looking guys... but his ghost doesn't leave me alone... I'm in the midst of a major pseudo-depression, trying to fill the void somehow. And I love being single, love the freedom and the fun and the flitting around, all the mental shackles coming off... but there's still that horrid emptiness. Then I sat and listened to my friend's song. That friend who had invited me on tour with him. BTW, I did not catch them on time. They are too far now and one bandmate is complaining that there isn't enough room in the van for a fourth. There goes everything. Next time I'll know better than to let life pass me by. I know now to jump on every opportunity I ever get; no caution, no second thoughts, no hesitation. Life is too short and the opportunities are here today, gone tomorrow. You miss the train, you lost one more chance to truly live. Like I just did. Anyway, I listened to his song, and it struck me in a way that I've never been struck. He's revered in this city as the best songwriter in decades, but the way I reacted was personal. Now I regret one day when he broke out in a poem for me... as we were eating breakfast in the open-air patio of a restaurant he looked me straight in the eye and recited to me this stream of consciousness that sounded like the song of angels, such an uncannily beautiful, poignant, awe-inspiring thing that I didn't even know how to respond, so I just stayed staring at him for a second and retorted with a raunchy limerick. We laughed, but that moment was basically stepped on and thrown away by me. Another wasted slice of life. So yeah, this song struck me suddenly, and now I want him to be here and talk to me. Whisper to me some secrets. Give me the answers to my own mysteries. Take a walk with me down the pier. I'm confused. Life is spinning around me and I just want to curl up into a fetal ball and will all the gut-wrenching bewilderment away. There's an anxiety in here that is threatening to make me pull out my hair, scream and run for the hills.
Groovy Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 So he has a way with words but has another girlfriend? Sorry, no matter what talents he has and what he says to you if you are not his only girlfriend your selling yourself short. Unless it's a new relationship. But then you say your single....your post is a little confusing.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 No, no, Frank is the one with the other girlfriend. My friend Tommy is the one with the poem. And I don't know if I'm single or what... I guess I'm dating Frank non-exclusively. Sorry, I know it's a confusing post, even I'm comfused by it, it was just a free-flow of thoughts because I'm a bit disturbed right now. I think I'll go drink a bottle of wine.
Groovy Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 How long have you dated Frank? If you are not exclusive than why not tell Tommy how you feel? Get to know each one as a dating partner for at least a few weeks.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 If you are not exclusive than why not tell Tommy how you feel? Get to know each one as a dating partner for at least a few weeks. Why not tell Tommy?! I'd have to be on serious drugs. Um, Tommy is a... special creature. It would almost seem sacrilegious to sexualize him in any way. He's sort of... alien, angelic, otherworldly. It's a long story. I could never tell him that sort of thing in a million years. And I'm nowhere near good enough to even get up the nerve to hint at such a thing to him anyway. Also, there's the the worry that this is just a reaction to the hole left by Frank. Maybe I'm just concocting something in my mind to fill the void. Thirdly, no way. I've already dated two dudes in our immediate circle of friends within the last 2 months. A third and I'd lose all legitimacy. It would cause an uproar. I'm not about to be the village bicycle.
huz68qog Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 I'm think that you should at least tell him how you feel, if he doesn't already know by now. the important thing to remeber is that most men like to have their cake and eat it to, if giving the opportunity to do so. When being the other woman, we hope that one day he would see how much your care about him and that you are infact the better woman for him. the women who understands and believes in him, but the harsh reality is that by initially becoming the other women your putting yourself at a disadvantage. Remeber to love yourself first and foremost and never take any short change. you deserve someone who's going to have the some love for you as you have for them. you should knowingly be the other women, saves heart ache.
Groovy Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 If the guys are in the same social circle that can be hard. I would at least flirt and encourage Tommy! Huz68qog is right. Many men are into dating different people in the beginning, or even indefinitely. Why should you feel bad you want that too? Especially if that is exactly what your current partner is doing.
JayKay Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 OP You have a wonderfully creative mind and a great way of expressing yourself. But the nagging sense of emptiness may be about something other than men, romance and 'what could have been'.... It's too easy to lose yourself in the male/female drama. I think what you should concentrate on is finding your own direction and own voice in an area you are passionate about. I am not clear as to your profession; are you a musician or in some way associated with a band? It's hard to tell. You've described yourself as a 'gypsy' in earlier posts.... I wonder if your 'wandering' is starting to get old and maybe you need some focus and direction at this point in your life. That doesn't mean marriage...white picket fence...PTA meetings. Please...I abhor that lifestyle too. But what I am saying is that bright, talented, creative people often need meaningful projects or true challenges to keep them engaged in life and feeling productive. You seem to be giving away your power and focus to the men who orbit your life. "What might have been?" "I can't stop thinking of him" "His ghost haunts me" Rather than give these thoughts fertile ground to take hold and give rise to even stronger beliefs about your 'emptiness', my suggestion is to do re-focus on YOU. Where do you want to go in life? What do you wish you could say to people, if you weren't afraid? Who would you like to be in five years? How would you like to be treated? Be a warrior woman, who doesn't settle. Poetry, idealism and lofty ideals are all wonderful....but we all have to exist in a three-dimensional life here on planet earth, and constantly negotiate the messy reality that is human existance. I think a man fixing your car can be as rich, poetic and meaningful as a semi-famous songwriter reciting poetry to you in a cafe. It sounds like you crave connection, in a deeper...more 'earthy' way than what you've been getting. So look for it. Ask for it. Accept nothing less. And you'll be surprised at how men react to a woman who can give it to them straight.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 It's too easy to lose yourself in the male/female drama. I think what you should concentrate on is finding your own direction and own voice in an area you are passionate about. Nothing satisfies. I've tried it all. I wonder if your 'wandering' is starting to get old and maybe you need some focus and direction at this point in your life. What I need is someone who will wander with me. You seem to be giving away your power and focus to the men who orbit your life. Yes, you're right. Where do you want to go in life? Fulfillment What do you wish you could say to people, if you weren't afraid? "f*** you. Know me. Understand me. Love me. Show me a reason to be alive. Show me I'm not alone. And f*** you." Who would you like to be in five years? A fulfilled person who didn't feel so stagnant How would you like to be treated? Kindly I think a man fixing your car can be as rich, poetic and meaningful as a semi-famous songwriter reciting poetry to you in a cafe. I know it. That's where the best dreams are forged. When you read into the ordinary. Because nothing's really ordinary at all. Everything has a lovely rhyme and reason. Frank. He's got me on a tailspin. If he just disappeared it would be so much easier. But he just shows up at key moments to remind me, "Hey, BlahBlah, I'm still here, remember me? I'm that guy who's everything you ever wanted, and so much more you never bargained for. You're still in my head and I give this glimmer of hope to you that you may after all be the woman I'm meant to walk through life with. And oh, I have to go, my other girlfriend is calling me to bed. See you next week when she's gone, so I can keep throwing you measly scraps of my love... but don't expect much; I have to ration it carefully among all my wenches. You're beautiful, you're amazing, you're the one for me, I can't live without you. So long, sucker." :sick: :mad:
JayKay Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 "f*** you. Know me. Understand me. Love me. Show me a reason to be alive. Show me I'm not alone. And f*** you." See BlahBlah, that's the crux of it...that statement above. It seems like you are waiting for the right person to come along to make life meaningful for you. Nobody can do that. They can create the illusion for a while, but sooner or later the truth comes out. Life is not fulfilling for you right now. You long for fulfillment. And to feel connected. And to feel understood. The only way to start feeling that way is to MAKE yourself understood. Speak plainly and speak honestly, even if it seems 'uncool', ridiculous, clumsy, un-clever, ordinary, plebian, homely, mediocre, average.... Don't worry about impressing. Be yourself. Let yourself be known. Let yourself learn what it is you really need to do.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted March 25, 2006 Author Posted March 25, 2006 The only way to start feeling that way is to MAKE yourself understood. Speak plainly and speak honestly, even if it seems 'uncool', ridiculous, clumsy, un-clever, ordinary, plebian, homely, mediocre, average.... Don't worry about impressing. Be yourself. Let yourself be known. Let yourself learn what it is you really need to do. Gee, thanks, Sarcasmo, I know exactly what you're saying. You sound like the kids in grade school who used to call me a "nerd" and "loser" because I "used big words". I tried so hard to get accepted by faking a cool, hip, dumb, ghetto air and after I lose the self-consciousness and revert to my natural style of speech I'm told I'm trying to impress someone. How freaking ironic! Sorry I'm not cool enough for you ...
SoleMate Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 ...Tommy is a... special creature...alien, angelic, otherworldly... It would almost seem sacrilegious to sexualize him in any way... I doubt if Tommy feels this way. Give the dude a chance to show you just how earthy he can be. BTW, you don't need to change your "voice" for me. I like the way you talk. You also seem quite young and self-absorbed. I'd like to point out that the simple fact/act of self-absorption inevitably causes many of the uncomfortable feelings you have. Focus the microscope on yourself, and you squirm. Turn it towards other people - kindly of course - and you will feel a lot less pressure and anguish/boredom/restlessness. A specific idea would be to go and help out in a food kitchen or sorting clothes for a volunteer organization. Maybe reading books to hospitalized orphans, or delivering pet therapy at an old folks home (you would need a pet). Also, lose the guy with the dick hardware - ouch!
JayKay Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 Gee, thanks, Sarcasmo, I know exactly what you're saying. You sound like the kids in grade school who used to call me a "nerd" and "loser" because I "used big words". I tried so hard to get accepted by faking a cool, hip, dumb, ghetto air and after I lose the self-consciousness and revert to my natural style of speech I'm told I'm trying to impress someone. How freaking ironic! Are you for real? I was being genuine and giving you heartfelt advice. I am not accusing you of being 'fake' because you use large words. I think you honestly FEAR being genuine. That is why you feel empty. Why do I suspect this? Because I often felt the same way when I was younger. I lived a fragmented, gypsy-like life....had many 'artsy' friends who hauled me around on wonderful adventures that would have made a great novel! In fact, I often thought, "I should write a book!" But when I sat down to try and write a book, it always felt flat. Why? Because I didn't know who I was. You need to step back and re-evaluate yourself. Your harsh, angry comment directed towards me (an anonymous person on the internet, mind you) is mis-directed anger. I did not...DID NOT...accuse you of being 'phony' or of trying to impress. My advice to you is to be true to yourself and to not wait for someone to come along and fulfill your life's dream of .....well, whatever your life's dream is. Is it contentment? Love? Fulfillment? Whatever it is, someone else is not going to bring it to you. My comments were in no way sarcastic. It sounds like you are still smarting from a painful, childhood or adolescent past. Perhaps your heart is still hurting and the drama surrounding you seems like a good way to drown out the hurt. You need to read my statements again. They were meant kindly. I reiterate...your anger is misdirected. I suspect you may also be very unforgiving and unkind towards yourself....more misdirected anger. This also creates the feeling of disconnect and void in one's life. I am sorry people were unkind towards you when you were younger. The brilliant and creative often take the brunt of the world's cruelty. If you can practice self-acceptance, self-love and again....please read carefully....be OK with who you are....no matter how 'uncool' you suspect your thoughts and feelings are....you will discover you have great power. I think deep down you still feel 'uncool' and still feel attacked a lot of the time. Trust me, you are probably a lot 'cooler' than you know just yet.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted March 25, 2006 Author Posted March 25, 2006 You also seem quite young and self-absorbed. Man, this just keeps getting better. Well, thanks for your honesty, I guess...
justagirliegirl Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 I doubt if Tommy feels this way. Give the dude a chance to show you just how earthy he can be. BTW, you don't need to change your "voice" for me. I like the way you talk. You also seem quite young and self-absorbed. I'd like to point out that the simple fact/act of self-absorption inevitably causes many of the uncomfortable feelings you have. Focus the microscope on yourself, and you squirm. Turn it towards other people - kindly of course - and you will feel a lot less pressure and anguish/boredom/restlessness. A specific idea would be to go and help out in a food kitchen or sorting clothes for a volunteer organization. Maybe reading books to hospitalized orphans, or delivering pet therapy at an old folks home (you would need a pet). Also, lose the guy with the dick hardware - ouch! Agreed, emptiness and trying to fill it with diversions, people, things, drugs just leaves you well empty. Getting involved in meaningful things like volunteer work or working toward some constructive goal can make you feel more grounded in life. It isn't mean to be offensive. It is just everyone goes through that teen/ post teen angst phase. Also agree with the guy with the dick hardware. He has to know this is painful for the women he is with and if he knows he is ripping his lover's privates raw and he keeps doing it, what does that say about him?
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