ihurt2 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Okay- I have spent the past two days looking at this site and am finally getting up the guts to actually make a post - and hope that I'm not going to get jumped all over....I just need some advice and help. I have been in a committed relationship for 17 years - we got married 2 years ago. The problem is that my husband and I have grown apart - emotionally, professionally, mentally and physically - it's been almost a year since we have had sex. He is a very nice man - but we've just grown apart - it's no one fault - it happens over time. I've been too busy working to really care too much until I was re-awakened recently..... I have this email group of professional people that I have been conversing with from a couple of different cities over the past year or so. I love this group of people - we discuss politics, sports, world events and so forth. It's a lot of fun and a great highlight to my day - I feel like I have a community of like-minded, highly successful friends. (did I mention that I'm very successful and my husband is not - and has not been for many years....or that he is a drinker, I'm not...) A month or so - I was emailing with one of the chaps in the group offline (not reply all) and he stated "too bad you are married". Like some kind of weird apparition - I watched my hands type out - yeah well, not very happily and all sorts of things and then hit send. I'm not sure what the hell I was doing - but it has sparked quite the long-distance email, hot and heavy relationship. Yes, I know it's email - but we have a real serious connect since we are very similar people....I LIVE for his emails - not just the cut to the bone sexy one-liner ones, but also his very intelligent musings about day-to-day stuff. We've tried to keep our comments to a minimum - knowledge of each other fairly low - but we both agreed that we needed to "hook-up" very soon. I've been travelling for work a bit and we have both been vacationing so the opportunity has not yet occurred. Here's where it gets weird....in our conversations, it turns out that we are both parents. He has a very young child and I have an older child. This leads me to believe - though I did not ask that he was attached or recently seperated. To me this was perfect as I only wanted a physical relationship, just some fun - not a new attachment. Did I mention we are in different cities too - the whole distance thing - perfect! So, then I go on vacation - and I get this email from him (how nice too - my first day of vacation) where he states that he needs to "put things on hold" life is crazy and this mainly relates to his son. IUpon my return from vacation - I get this and am shocked at how devestated I feel as I thought this was just a fling - but then it seems that he is returning to a situation to make it better for his son and I am a "distraction".....I drop him a line and then...we continue to email back and forth....even though we really shouldn't - he's apologetic, nice and friendly.....I'm confused! He's even gone so far as to talk about openings in the future - who knows what it will hold and so forth. I still want him - it's just about the sex, I think and what he promised and what I want! Yeah - that's cold - but whatever...it's only supposed to be sex..so what's the issue? Now, I know most relationships that you go back to for the kids - don't often work. Plus, there is the fact that he's apologized to me a million times and doesn't seem to be quite making the break from me. Selfishly, I don't really want him to make the break with me - though I have told him he needs to cause I'm a mother first and believe the best interest of the child is first. But, what chance does his relationship have to work out? So, it appears that he wants his cake - his family - and he still wants to have backup - and I'm cool with that - I think cause I have my cake but would like some dessert too. What the hell is wrong with me - him and this? Am I losing my mind? Be nice please - this is my first post...but any suggestions you can to help me through this idiotic period in my screwed up life would be very helpful....Thanks!
scarletletter Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Totally, completely, 100% understand what you mean and why you are drawn to someone this way. Same thing happened to me 7 months ago and now I am still in that relationship. It is really hard at times but we manage. I knew what I was getting into beforehand and even knowing that, I sometimes lose my head and feel like I am getting in too deep. You just have to be ready for anything that might come of this....and believe me, its not easy. When a man tells you up front that he is not planning to leave his family anytime soon...he means it.
Sassy Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 You are depending on this guy for the emotional and all when you should be trying to work things out with your h. I think you should get to marriage counseling and get things back on track for you and your h. Stop emailing this other man and make your marriage work. If after you tried everything then get a divorce and pursue this man but only if he is unattached as well. Good luck
Author ihurt2 Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 Yes - its mainly emotional and pretty much also about sex. I'd love to get marriage counselling - but my h does not believe in communication - he'd rather ignore the situation until I leave - which will probably happen in the next year or so as I've been preparing for it....he doesn't have assets though and I do - so this is a major problem too as I have to protect what I've worked really hard to get.....I am the breadwinner.....My h is my best friend - but not my h anymore and it's been 8 years that we have been like this.....that's a long time.... As for leaving the family - scarlett - I don't really want him to do that. He goes back, he leaves - he'll learn.... I've been in a relationship for so long that I'm kinda tired and would rather be single for the time being when I do leave my h. Plus - we live in separate cities - so for me, the distance thing is great. I think I just want what I want since no one else has made me feel like this for years. This relationship has not started physically and I'm probably resisting it in some small way - the whole "vow" thing. However, Scarlett, from your experience, it sorta sounds like it's heading that way.......it's like the candy you can't have but want....human nature is very curious and I think this may be a very dangerous time....why can't I have both? Then, I don't have to hurt my h or this person....
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 did you say you haven't had sex with him yet? so do you mean you talk about sex allot in the e-mails then when you say it's all about sex? me and my MM talked sex to death before we actually did it and I will tell you don't! our attraction started as a very slow burn till it was really over whelming...I couldn't even be around the guy with out getting weak in the knees...it seemed like we had to do it to make this go away...and it hasn't it just got worse. I wish though now we wouldn't have went that far..the guilt when you cross that line is far superior to the EA ones believe me...I also thought I could separate sex and friendship,I can't. I'm in love with him now. it's becoming a cesspool of emotional damage. at least for me anyway.
Author ihurt2 Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 Great....that's what I thought - and yes - it's a lot of sex talk via email.....having not been with my h for a very long time- it's like this whole world has opened up and I'm bloody obsessed with this. I can't think straight - I'm grouchy when I don't hear from him - it's bad. So, now I'm trying to avoid contact - we're part of the same group of people via email but everyone is busy. I'm just concerned that if he contacts me sometime in the future - which might happen since he keeps saying "the door to the future - who knows..."I may just fold.....Work hasn't been super busy either so I have a bit too much time to think. Funny - things with the h are going much bettter!
My_Other_I Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 So, it appears that he wants his cake - his family - and he still wants to have backup - and I'm cool with that - I think cause I have my cake but would like some dessert too. That does not support the following: I'm a mother first and believe the best interest of the child is first. Keep this ---> I'm a mother first and believe the best interest of the child is first. in mind before you choose to cheat on your family. Think of what it will do to your hubby and your child when they find out what you've done. Noone can tell you what to do, but if you really do care about your child's wellfare, you won't do it. Good luck and welcome aboard!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 ihurt2, Please do not start any physical contact with this man - you will only fall deeper into him! Your heart will be broken, like the rest of us here. You are still in position to tune him out. Good luck!
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