On Brink of Cheating: WTF Is Wrong w/Me?

[Guest]

Greetings. I hope I’ve found the right place to post.

 

My conscience is in ruins because I’ve been thinking seriously of cheating. In my case I have ABSOLUTELY no grounds to. I do of course hold marital fidelity as a high moral absolute, or my vows would never have lasted this long, but let’s assume for the sake of argument that there is no absolute prohibition and that there are “reasons” to cheat.

 

I have none. I’ve been married almost 17 years to the closest thing to a perfect woman I or anyone will ever find. She’s sweet, funny, witty, gorgeous, decent, (insert your choice of positive qualities here) and has never cheated on me. We don’t even have any kids, nor any financial problems, so there’s two HUGE sources of stress not present.

 

So WTF is wrong with me that I can’t make an accounting of my good marital fortune and think and feel accordingly? I’m not in danger of acting (yet …) but WTF good is that if I can’t keep this torturous s*** urging me to act out of my mind and heart?

 

Viewed from another angle: I thought I’d feel good for having practiced marital virtue … but I don’t, not even after I took ten years longer than the average to feel the "itch" and have no basis to feel it. I used to be proud of myself (even a little smug), but given the thoughts and feelings I'm suffering now, I can only think of Fats Brown in that Twilight Zone with the pool game: "You like to play with fire, but you don't like to cook. You're not as good as you claim and you know it. Deep down, you know that you're second-rate."

 

I hate to admit this, but it's no fun always having to be the poor but upstanding fat clownish oaf.

 

I suppose I shouldn't worry about taking action. No woman wants to f*** the poor but upstanding fat clownish oaf -– only the slim rich glamorous fabulous male model clone. I can't afford the upkeep for that image.

 

Can’t afford a therapist either, and besides, none of them have any morals – to them marriage is no more than a cost/benefit analysis of the emotions. If I feel bad, get a divorce – never mind that I made a lifetime promise.

 

And please, don’t anyone tell me to pray or see a pastor – I’m an atheist. I hang live babies up for targets at the pistol range. I grill puppies on the Weber. I pee in baptismal fonts. [/tongue out of cheek] [head still up ass]

 

I never thought I'd reach this sorry state. Condemnations upon me for daring to arrogate to myself any kind of entitlement to sex.

 

Hope it's OK that I don't actually register here -- I'm posting from a public web terminal and can't have traces on my home PC for obvious reasons.

 

Help. Please.

 

craven cretin

[JadeStar]

Chances are something is lacking from within yourself, not from your wife to make you feel this way. You probably already know this since you say theres not a real reason to feel the way you do. Perhaps do a search for counselors in your area, there are some that provide free services. Maybe someone can help you get to the root of why you feel the way you do.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Curmudgeon]

Fidelity doesn't seem to be the issue. My guess is that it's self-esteem.

 

There must be something compelling about you. Your wife appears to recognize it.

[Chump64]

Here's a letter I wrote to my husband and the OW. Maybe it will give you some insight to how your wife would feel.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=82289

 

 

Do you have someone trying to entice you to cheat, or are you looking to go on the prowl? Trust me, it won't be worth the devastation to your marriage. Just dump your wife and move on, if you think so little of her that you want to go outside the marriage. It isn't worth it. In my situation, we will be lucky if our marriage survives. We've been married 18 years. This event has and will define our life together, from 10 weeks ago (when I found out) to however long we are together. Could be a year, could be 30 years. It all depends on whether I can truly forgive him.

 

Do you want to be in that situation?

 

Do you have insurance? Many insurance plans cover marriage counseling. Don't give up on it before you try it.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

If your marriage is as good as you say it is, you wouldn't feel the way you do now. It won't help you if you are only painting a rosy picture of your "perfect" marriage. See it for what it is, and tell us what really bothers you. If you don't know what bothers you, then you need to seek counselling to help you with that. They won't tell you to divorce yourself.

[Chump64]

Oops, that last post had the wrong link. Try this one, re: my letter to my husband and the OW:

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82406/

[Sassy]

Sounds like you have some issues withing your self . You have low self esteem and think that cheating will make you feel like you still can get other women. I suggest you do what Jade has said find a counselor that will do it for free. Would say a pastor but you don't believe in God . What is the deal with the babies ? That is a something a sick person would do.. You need some help .

[jonesgirly]

Midlife Crisis. You said it yourself - it took you 'ten years longer than the average to feel the itch.'

 

As a female, I do not know what goes on inside the male mind during this period. What is it you're feeling the urge to do? Have a 'different' woman?

[Guest]

I guess I should reply to clear a few things up:

 

Fidelity doesn't seem to be the issue. My guess is that it's self-esteem.

Alas, dear sir, that has to be earned. Any schmuck can say he's a wonderful and worthy person. Being one is quite another matter. I'm fat, bald, ugly, crazy and poor. I have nothing of value to offer my wife anymore, if indeed I ever did.

 

There must be something compelling about you. Your wife appears to recognize it.

Wrong. She's just afraid to give me the telling-off and acrimonious divorce I so richly deserve.

 

Do you have someone trying to entice you to cheat, or are you looking to go on the prowl?

No enticements -- who'd want to entice me? And "go on the prowl" implies alpha-male feelings I've never had and never will -- like self-esteem, those have to be earned. If it helps to know this: I was a virgin when I met her and was monogamous with her even before marriage. Yes -- I'm the Last of the Great Marital Dinosaurs. No one besides religious fundamentalists does this anymore.

 

Just dump your wife and move on, if you think so little of her that you want to go outside the marriage.

Quite the contrary -- I think the universe of her. That's what makes all this so terrifying.

BTW: This is my first time looking at this thread since yesterday, so I haven't had time to read yours yet. I promise I will.

 

Many insurance plans cover marriage counseling. Don't give up on it before you try it.

Not applicable -- it IS possible for one person to be the source of all problems in a marriage. No point in dragging her along to listen to me spew those plainly horses*** things called my feelings. And they ARE horses*** -- therefore inexcusable.

 

If your marriage is as good as you say it is, you wouldn't feel the way you do now. It won't help you if you are only painting a rosy picture of your "perfect" marriage.

But it IS rosy. Everything I said of my wife in my OP is true. Any man of moral worth and decency would feel exceedingly fortunate (were I a theist, I'd say "blessed") to have her. I have a permanent painful crick in my heart from looking up to her. And I'm tired of trying to be a paragon to match her exalted stature.

 

What is the deal with the babies ? That is a something a sick person would do.. You need some help .

This needs some serious clarification. It's a satirical and cynical response to the long-standing efforts of theists to stereotype atheists as evil, amoral, selfish, base, sinful, ultra-hedonistic, beastly, appetite-driven Satan-lovers, rather than fully human people, perfectly capable of moral and decent behavior, who simply lack belief in superbeings. I post on an atheist board where we call ourselves "kitten roasters." Of course, neither I nor anyone there actually entertains fantasies of roasting kittens or shooting babies. It's purely satirical.

 

This brings up another troubling point -- I have a fairly decent mind (when it's working, that is), and as an atheist I've used it to come up with all the secular reasons I shouldn't cheat. And I'm fully aware of the damages and consequences. So why the F do I still feel this way? And being faithful has brought me no payoff in happiness -- I'm as miserable as can be. Put in one sentence, to quote a Klingon in an old Star Trek episode: What power is it that supports my battle, yet starves my victory? (NOTE TO SELF: Decent mind, my ass -- you quote TV SHOWS as a basis for ethics! And there's nothing more irrational than knowing you can't have something, knowing WHY you can't have it … and still wanting it! And BURNINGLY, too!

 

Midlife Crisis. You said it yourself - it took you 'ten years longer than the average to feel the itch.'

 

As a female, I do not know what goes on inside the male mind during this period. What is it you're feeling the urge to do? Have a 'different' woman?

Please, no talk of the "typical male mind." It's just as heinous to stereotype men as women. I'm so far from what's called "typical" it can't be believed. I can't stand violence (whether real or just depicted in movies), I have no objection to so-called "chick flicks," I can't stand bars or drinking, I'm not obsessed with flashy cars (or flashy anything), I can buy tampons for my wife without flinching, I don't subconsciously see anything as a phallic symbol, and I don't give half a hoot what or how the football team's doing unless I might hit a traffic jam on the freeway on game days. I guess "different" woman has a lot to do with it, given the "virgin" reasons noted above. But even so, WTF is up with that? How different physiologically can one set of female parts be from another?

 

[end selfish rant]

 

Thanks for your replies. I'd give anything to make it through this … though I'd always hoped there'd be more to life than weathering storm after storm, and spending all my time between storms in fear of the next one.

 

craven cretin

[Chump64]

You sound like an extremely intelligent and interesting person. You give no indication that your wife is unhappy with you -- only that you are unhappy with yourself, and that you suspect you thinks she is better than you / wants to dump you. Do you have any actual knowledge of this? Are you simply projecting your own insecurities?

 

Why don't you go to a counselor alone, if you think that you are the problem and you don't want to drag her through it? Have you tried counseling / had a bad experience with it?

 

You say that you "weather storm after storm," but that you have a good marriage. I"m confused. Are these storms all in your head? Are they your "personal" storms? If so, all the more reason to seek help from a counselor.

 

Does your wife know you feel this way?

 

My husband was missing something from our marriage when he stepped out on me. I don't know what it was. At this point, he doesn't know what it was, but he's trying to figure it out. I would give my right arm not to be going through this -- for him to have come to me and said, "I'm having a tough time and I need to share XYZ with you," vs. for him to have cheated on me for a decade.

 

 

Talk to your wife. At the very least, talk to a counselor.

 

PS: Not everyone thinks athiests are evil-doers. IMO, some of the least moral people park their butts in church every Sunday.

[Guest]

Does your wife know you feel this way?

 

My husband was missing something from our marriage when he stepped out on me. I don't know what it was. At this point, he doesn't know what it was, but he's trying to figure it out. I would give my right arm not to be going through this -- for him to have come to me and said, "I'm having a tough time and I need to share XYZ with you," vs. for him to have cheated on me for a decade.

If you'd been able to withstand an actual confession from him that he wanted to cheat on you, I deeply admire you. In my case ... guaranteed I'd get volley after volley of dishware aimed right at my skull.

[Hurtingtoo]

Take it from someone who just came out of an emotional affair( 2months of no contact) and my mind is now becoming clear. I SAY STOP..TAKE A STEP BACK...And realize what you are about to do. Nothing..I mean nothing is worth the devistation you are about to inflict (or already have) upon you, your spouse/family etc. I have been married for 13 years and my marriage is hanging...we are working on saving it..but take it from others who have been there. It is not worth it! Find what you are looking for INSIDE the marriage and INSIDE yourself.

 

Good luck

[portableversion]

When I was a freshman in college, i did the cliche binge drinking. It was fun, it was an orgy...and after a while, it was redundant. I don't get the urge to binge drink anymore, and when i would do it, it would make me sick, for like 3 days.

 

Analogize what you have an urge to do with binge drinking. It's fun, it's carnal...and if you do it, it will make you miserable for the rest of your life, and not a mere 3 days. So binge drink instead okay? Everyone feels the urge to get some strange, big deal. Resist it and move on.

 

As to whether you are entitled to sex. You are entitled to sex with your wife, and nobody else. You contracted away your right to variety.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

My husband was missing something from our marriage when he stepped out on me. I don't know what it was. At this point, he doesn't know what it was, but he's trying to figure it out. I would give my right arm not to be going through this -- for him to have come to me and said, "I'm having a tough time and I need to share XYZ with you," vs. for him to have cheated on me for a decade.

 

If my H would have come to me before he had his short-term EA, it never would have happened. He came to me after (or towards the end of it, however you want to look at it) and we are better now than we ever have been.

 

It took him telling me that he didn't know what he wanted and that he was talking with another woman before I realized that he needed more emotional support from me than I was providing. If he would have clearly communicated with me about how he was feeling, insecure, depressed, less than a man, etc., then it wouldn't have reached the point it did. But, at the time he did feel that he communicated those things to me and I didn't respond. Looking back at it now he realizes that he didn't communicate it clearly enough.

 

I'm fat, bald, ugly, crazy and poor. I have nothing of value to offer my wife anymore, if indeed I ever did.

 

So you are fat. To some people, they would consider my brother fat, my father fat, my sister fat. I don't see that ... I love them. Shoot, my H is finally getting a belly and he hates it. He feels that he is getting fat and that adds to his feeling of unattractivess. I don't see that ... I love him.

 

So you are bald. I like bald heads - except on women, of course, Bald heads are attractive. During the summer, my H shaves his head as it is cooler.

 

So you are ugly. That is just your thought of yourself. Everyone who is anyone can find fault within themselves. My H thinks he is ugly. He is anything but.

 

So you are crazy. So are half the people in the world, myself included. Again, this is something that is just your though of yourself. Life is life and we all have to learn to handle the cards we are dealt. Sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down.

 

Poor? Who is to say that someone who has lots of money is rich? Rich/poor is a relative thing. Are you rich because you have lots of money, or are you rich because you have lots of love and happiness? Are you poor because you don't have so much money that you can buy anything and everything you want, or because you don't have someone to go home to every night and talk about your day with? Don't assume that money is everything ... it isn't. Yes it helps not to have to worry about how you are going to pay bills or put food on the table, but it doesn't really sound as if that is the case for you.

 

Obviously your wife feels that you have everything to offer her, otherwise she wouldn't have married you, or stayed married and faithful to you for all these years.

 

If your marriage is as good and strong as you seem to think, then maybe you should share these feelings with your wife and do something about it together. Maybe some role-playing. Maybe doing something new. Maybe doing something you used to do together years ago that you just got out of the habit of doing?

[Sassy]

Why say something as sick about babies and puppies if you don't really do it ? No one was saying anything about you being Atheist that is your choice of religion . I think you are a sicko for making comments like you did. I have a child and take things about children to heart .

[StrivingtoSucceed]

He was being sarcastic and wasn't serious ... he was responding before anyone had a chance to respond negatively about him being an athiest. Sick thought, yes, but not even close to being serious.

[Guest]

He was being sarcastic and wasn't serious ... he was responding before anyone had a chance to respond negatively about him being an athiest. Sick thought, yes, but not even close to being serious.

Thanks. Certainly not serious. Only I wasn't trying to attack myself before being attacked; atheists are quite used to being verbally attacked. I sometimes hear black people appropriating and using "nigger" as an epithet of anger and defiance, as a reaction to long-standing use of the term as a pejorative against them. "Kitten roaster" is much the same thing. Purely defiant and satirical.

 

I have a child and take things about children to heart .

Then you should know I have four beautiful cats of my own, two of them shelter adoptees. Of course I recoil in horror at the thought of actual animal abuse or intents thereto.

 

Actually, one of America's best-known words came about by satirical appropriation. Back in pre-America days, when both the British and Dutch were settling the area that would become New York, the British would often mock the Dutch by calling them "John Cheese." The Dutch then seized it satirically and started calling the British "John Cheese" ... only in Dutch, it's spelled "Jan Kees" and pronounced "Yankees" ...

 

Don't worry, anyone -- all your kids and pets are absolutely safe from me.

[Guest]

... if I've offended anyone here. I was in quite a state when I sent my OP, and thus didn't think to read the Community Guidelines first.

 

This is the first forum I've been on besides the atheist one noted earlier. While they don't allow personal attacks and insults, they're otherwise pretty freewheeling. I should have known better than to just jump into this forum with the same posting style.

 

Again, please accept my apologies. I am actually a decent fellow with a good heart and will be happy to behave myself while here.

[orpheus]

Dear Mr. Guest. To quote someone else on here you do seem like an intelligent person. I could spout off all he moral reasons about how you feel right now. But getting back to your original question about seriously considering cheating.

 

In your original post you make a couple of references to your financial situation. If you decide you would like to pursue another relationship you should be prepared to forgo half of your personal wealth. Also, unless your wife makes more than you, you will probably end up paying her a payment each month.

 

So, if you don’t want to be married anymore tell her now and start the process while you are still talking to each other. The moment you stray outside your marriage you run the risk of her being very hurt and that is not good for the finances.

 

It would seem that a therapist is a very economical option.

[Guest]

Thanks for your replies. I'm safely back from the brink now, and of course still love my wife and want to remain married, but I'm still troubled by one thing:

 

I could spout off all the moral reasons about how you feel right now.

So could I. And I had a long time before marriage plus almost 17 years within it to think about the issue. I've reasoned till I'm blue in the brain. So why has reason been unable to stop these feelings -- and why is it unlikely it will be able to stave off the next storm?