Citizen Erased Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I take it that you don't like me for my background? Isn't that ironic how we should not be "judgemental?" I was merely showing how someone can use assumptions and be rude and whatnot when I do not know the details of someones life, something which in my opinion you were doing. I was merely using an example based on what little facts I know of you and the assumptions which I could make. Pure crap in other words. I believe that people are entitled to live their lives and the way in which they live their life is their choice. I dont agree, however, with people making personal attacks eg calling someone lazy (and yes you were calling the OP lazy because, if I recall correctly, they misspelled some words?) on this forum when they have no right to. You are entitled to your opinion, but sometimes you need to know when you are to keep it to yourself. ... On another note... where is the OP?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Coco: "... where is the OP?" Off to bed.. too lazy to write back, of course! No, seriously, I called him lazy because he was still living in his mom's house and doesn't know how to spell (at age 27) but dreaming about "studying abroad". If he were not lazy, he'd know how to spell and he'd know how to earn enough money to live on his own. Not to sound harsh, but he can forget about the "studying abroad" part. He has to learn high-school grade English first. It's just something in the tone of his post -- the dreaming of studying abroad... but not even having enough money to live on his own -- ticked me off. Of course, I need not vent my opinions here and let him continue to believe that it is alright to live in his mom's house and fighting with her! I said it as though he were somebody I know and care about. I would not let someone I know live like that and not say something. It is ridiculous that someone in America is not able to support themself by the age of 27. He should be ashamed of himself!
Citizen Erased Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 He should be ashamed of himself! Well I guess we all can at some point in our lives, but I do not feel I am in any position to judge someone over this because again, nobody is perfect. Hmn... I didn't know that sleeping counts as laziness... I just thought it meant you were tired! And actually, the OP has not posted again since their original post, so I guess whatever you say wont make a difference because they have probably forgotten they even posted.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 There are plenty of others. I'm 27 years old. I left home at 24 and had to come back due to the fact that I lost my job, and couldn't find another one right away. Now I have a crappy job, but I have health problems and can't get another one until I find out what's wrong. I didn't think that made me a bad person. And KnowHowLoveFeels.. who's asking you to condone anything? I really have such a low tolerance for judgemental people.. Erika, sorry to hear that you are living with your folk. But as I've said, my comment was directed at the OP, who was whining about living with his mom and step-dad. He sounded like a little teenager complaining about the curfew! He was not the least bit humble and grateful for the shelter. Erika, you are not a bad person for living with your parents. You are not complaining about it and you definitely have good reasons (health, in between good jobs).
erika2610 Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Erika, sorry to hear that you are living with your folk. But as I've said, my comment was directed at the OP, who was whining about living with his mom and step-dad. He sounded like a little teenager complaining about the curfew! He was not the least bit humble and grateful for the shelter. Erika, you are not a bad person for living with your parents. You are not complaining about it and you definitely have good reasons (health, in between good jobs). Ya see, why would you be sorry for me? I don't mind it as much as the OP does. Granted, it's not my ideal situation.. not where I wanted to be, but I'm slowly climbing myself out of the hole I was in. I think Coco's whole point was that you can't really judge people without knowing their background.. where they're coming from. All the OP wrote was a snippet.. he didn't tell you anything about himself, or that maybe he's got another reason for living at home too. I used to think that it was pathetic for a 27 yr. old to be living at home, until I realized that sometimes there are just different reasons for it. Not all of them are just lazy underacheivers.
JayKay Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 There are many reasons for people to live at home at a later age. I left home in my early twenties, then moved back at age 30 because I was in a very expensive grad school and had broken up with my then-boyfriend. The cost of rent in my area was huge. The only way I could afford rent, commuting, phone bills, food costs, books, insurance, etc was to move back home for a couple of years. However, I DID pay my mom rent money. Not as much rent as a regular apartment would have cost, but I still gave her money. I also paid for my own food, laundry stuff, phone bills, etc. It was embarressing to be living at home from 30-32, but after thinking over the options, it was the best way to finish up my degree in a reasonable time WITHOUT having to work full time on top of it, (I was already working 24-30 hours per week and it was killing me) I had health problems too. The stress and strain of my relationship ending, plus my parents' recent divorce, plus another family member's drug problems, plus grad school, plus working, caused me to suffer a mild depression and my irritable bowel problems kicked up REALLY bad. My appetite disappeared and I lost about 15 pounds (I was already thin). I had iron-deficiency anemia which made me extremely tired, as well as other nutrient deficiencies. Having a LITTLE less financial worry helped me get through this time without making my health worse. So OP, whatever you reasons for moving back home....think it over whether moving out will cause you less stress or more stress. If you really can't move out, you need to find a way to deal with your other family members. Maybe you need to walk away from arguments before they start. Maybe you need to sign a contract between all the family members about what is considered 'fair fighting' and what is not. If you can find a way to move out, you should. I think it would do wonders for your self esteem. Your health, both mental and physical, is important. Weigh the pros and cons of either option.
MrsHellFire Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 You make a very broad assumption here. There are parents who are VERY happy to have their kids live with them long-term. My mom would have had me live with her until middle age quite happily. It was a fight for me to leave at 23. So before you lecture, maybe try to not make assumptions when you don't know the story of someone else's life. Uh huh.. every situation is different and yours doesn't matter at this point. The poster mentioned that there are fights, arguments etc all the time at home. And it seems she needs to grow up and stop fueling them! She can leave the room if something irritates her! Because all of that will and does cause stress to all individuals involved. I at least hope she is pulling her weight at home and not USING her family for when it's convenient to her. Especially since she despises her step-family. Well in her own words.. she "HATES" them "with all her heart"!!!! If they were desperate, I can't imagine her putting out the welcome mat to her home for the step-family she "hates". She's lucky as hell they are willing to take her trouble butt in!! Anyone who claims to "hate" their family is obviously at least fueling the fighting. GROW UP! Don't assume you people say? Instead of trying to prove a point that is of no relevance to the posters situation, why not read clearly. Read what this person is saying: "But my relationship with the entire family is hell." LOL, what is there to "assume" and "accuse" of when it comes out of the horses mouth?? Don't you understand that your "studying abroad" etc is all selfishness. Only person who you think of having any gain here is little old you! (All the while your presence creates heartache and fights amongst everyone in the home! And I bet you think the problem is EVERYONE ELSE in the home BUT you! Can't even own up to your own flaws.) Everything you think you deserve. You deserve to be let into your family's house even though you are a troublemaker and now deserve to have the privilege of saving money while leeching off of them to study abroad. Does FAMILY mean ANYTHING TO YOU whatsoever? I guess not. I think you should put some effort into growing a relationship with your family above anything else than just using them for when you see fit. "always fighting, arguing and came to the point that after each fight I end up shaking, become pale and feel like a zombie." Why on earth are you putting so much energy into wreaking havoc? You need to CONTROL YOURSELF! You do not have to be a hot head and argue when someone starts something. You can leave the room. You can try to mend relationships. There is no excuse for such a pity party. If they were truly an abusive family, you would have never came back. No amount of "studying abroad" etc crap would be worth it. Take the time out to think about your family before yourself.
Guest Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 The poster mentioned that there are fights, arguments etc all the time at home. And it seems she needs to grow up and stop fueling them! The conclusion you insist on leaping to is that the OP is the cause of the fights. You seem to be unable to conceive of a family in which everyone fights all the time OTHER THAN the person who ends up shaking and white due to being severely affected by the conflicts going on in the home.
Pink_Tulip Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 The conclusion you insist on leaping to is that the OP is the cause of the fights. You seem to be unable to conceive of a family in which everyone fights all the time OTHER THAN the person who ends up shaking and white due to being severely affected by the conflicts going on in the home. And I think the point you are missing is that, if this poster were 14 years old, we would all be sympathetic. But he/she is 27. They are living at home for free and complaining about the conditions. Unless they require assistance for some disability, I have no sympathy. They are making a CHOICE to live in that hostile environment when they are perfectly able to make the CHOICE to move out on their own. They are 27!!!!! All we are saying its, if you don't like it, leave. If you CHOOSE to stay, don't complain. You think everyone has it nice and perfect? You think everyone who wants to study abroad is ENTITLED to that?
Outcast Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 The OP gave reasons for why it seems a good idea to stay and reasons for not and asked for opinions on which to do. Apparently yours is 'stay and STF up'. No need to berate the person or insist that the problems are the fault of the OP, now is there?
erika2610 Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 And I think the point you are missing is that, if this poster were 14 years old, we would all be sympathetic. But he/she is 27. They are living at home for free and complaining about the conditions. Unless they require assistance for some disability, I have no sympathy. They are making a CHOICE to live in that hostile environment when they are perfectly able to make the CHOICE to move out on their own. They are 27!!!!! All we are saying its, if you don't like it, leave. If you CHOOSE to stay, don't complain. You think everyone has it nice and perfect? You think everyone who wants to study abroad is ENTITLED to that? Nobody seems to get as worked up as you get in this thread about this subject.. whoa. If she has a chance at a better life (studying abroad), why shouldn't she take that chance?
michelangelo Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 All I can add is that whatever else is going on in the OPs life at 27, their typing skills are not an indicator of laziness or productivity. I have a BA in journalism and have spent much of the last quarter century writing for a living. All of that experience has involved either typing on a typewriter or on a computer. I work hard at this living. I routinely put in 50-60 hours a week making a living. In grade school I won a lot of spelling bees. I pretty much can run rings around other people with my vocabulary. I am a horrible typist. Especially bad at it in something as informal as an online bulletinboard. One theory I have about people that take offense at typographical errors in such things is that they have a need to feel superior. That need gets in the way of their absorbion of the ideas presented to them, presented imperfectly, but sitting there for their reflection.
blind_otter Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 And I think the point you are missing is that, if this poster were 14 years old, we would all be sympathetic. But he/she is 27. They are living at home for free and complaining about the conditions. Unless they require assistance for some disability, I have no sympathy. They are making a CHOICE to live in that hostile environment when they are perfectly able to make the CHOICE to move out on their own. They are 27!!!!! All we are saying its, if you don't like it, leave. If you CHOOSE to stay, don't complain. You think everyone has it nice and perfect? You think everyone who wants to study abroad is ENTITLED to that? Sometimes we make sacrifices to attain goals. The willingness to make sacrifices in order to achieve your goals, IMO, makes one entitles to that goal.
luvtoto Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Unsubsidized loans don't really have a income requirement. I get paid well and use the unsubsidized loans to pay for part of my grad degree. Those loans don't have to be paid back 'till after graduation, is that right?
blind_otter Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Those loans don't have to be paid back 'till after graduation, is that right? Yes, and you can get deferments on those loans until you get a full time job, or if you go into graduate school. I got loans at a low interest rate and then paid them off with 2 years after I graduated with very little interest penalties.
Pink_Tulip Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Nobody seems to get as worked up as you get in this thread about this subject.. whoa. If she has a chance at a better life (studying abroad), why shouldn't she take that chance? I never said she shouldn't take the chance, I said if that is what she CHOOSES, she has to live with the issues that go along with that choice. And that includes a crappy home life if she wants to live at home rent free. And I disagree BO. I hate entitlement attitudes more than anything. I feel they are part of what is destroying our society. We are entitled to nothing. Most people work hard to attain goals. Does that mean people who work their butts off at work but just aren't doing it right are entitled to keeping their job? No, they can be fired just like anyone. Should we pass children in school even if they can't read b/c they have made sacrifices?? No. And what exactly is the OP sacrifice, anyway? Putting up with a family they don't like as an adult? Heck, if thats a sacrifice, I am certainly entitled to a LOT by now.
blind_otter Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 And I disagree BO. I hate entitlement attitudes more than anything. I feel they are part of what is destroying our society. We are entitled to nothing. Most people work hard to attain goals. Does that mean people who work their butts off at work but just aren't doing it right are entitled to keeping their job? No, they can be fired just like anyone. Should we pass children in school even if they can't read b/c they have made sacrifices?? No. And what exactly is the OP sacrifice, anyway? Putting up with a family they don't like as an adult? Heck, if thats a sacrifice, I am certainly entitled to a LOT by now. It's a sacrifice to the OP. I dare not judge the situation they live in just on a few posts. It obviously causes a lot of frustration and distress. In psychiatry we use the term "sense of entitlement" to describe the outrageous attitude of some of our more narcissistic clients who believe that the world "owes" them and they want to collect NOW. So the examples you give are kind of random, to me. I don't see how they are related to the situation described by the OP, and I don't agree that this falls under the definition of "sense of entitlement" that I used above. To me, a sense of entitlement is more like, someone expecting something for nothing, offering up no personal sacrifices, lacking graciousness or gratitute. The very fact that the OP is questioning themselves means that they lack that grossly inflated infantile ego that is part and parcel of the sense of entitlement.
michelangelo Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I have a relative that lived much of her adult life with her parents. Why? because they convinced her that she needed to take care of them and that it was unseemly for an unmarried woman to live outside the family home. For most of us that is an antiquated attitude from another age. But for some, they still live that way. It isn't always about freeloading off the parental teat.
Pink_Tulip Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I have a degree in psych, I am very familiar with entitlement. Maybe you and I are just reading this wrong, but I feel I am right. The OP said: "I still leave with my mother (her husband and their daughter whom I hate with all my heart) because I'm back to college and need the money for school and also to study abroad next year (I can't get financial aid anyways)." I read that to say, I live at home so I can afford to do what I want to do more comfortably. I don't get along with the family and hate living there. What should I do. Please tell me how you are reading it and we can maybe come to a consensus. The way I read it, he/she is expecting to be able to live at home and is complaining about the environment. I did not read anywhere that his/her services were needed, or this was a cultural arrangement since the OP said they had been 'in and out.' When you are given an opportunity to live at home so you can persue a dream, and then start complaining about that opportunity, to me that is an entitled attitude. If the OP didn't believe his family owed him this opportunity, he would move out, or accept the situation for what it is. He expects to have free rent AND surroundings he wants. You may be totally right and I wrong, b/c we don't know enough. But in the chance I am right, I was bothered by everyone reinforcing the OP sense of frustration with the situation. I believe in personal responsibility. Living at home for free and then complaining about it isn't practicing personal responsibility, IMO.
michelangelo Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I actually agree with you. But I don't think the entire situation was fleshed out in the posting. Maybe there was some type of promise made about paying for foreign travel/study. In my own life, I'm one of 11 kids, my father asked me to live at home instead of leaving. he wanted me to help renovate the house. I think to rebuild stairs, do roofing, etc. In return I would go to a junior college near home for lower division classes. Then he said he would pay my way through Cal Berkeley if got accepted as a transfer student. So I worked without pay beyond a place to sleep and food for two years and attended college full time. When I finished up my end of the deal and got accepted at cal, my dad fluffed on the deal. He couldn't afford it. I was furious for a long time. I ended up still working full time and transferring to a cheaper school. I didn't move out of the family home until i was 21. Yeah, I got a lot of crap from friends for staying at home so long. It didn't make sense to them. My reasons for putting up with the family dynamic (you try living with a dozen people crammed into one house) were about getting the shot to go to Cal then to find out you are not going there anyway. I'm rambling, but I am trying to make the point that all the details of the situation are not known. I just summarized three years of crap in a couple of sentences and did that summary badly at that. So I also think the Op did similarly.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 But in the chance I am right, I was bothered by everyone reinforcing the OP sense of frustration with the situation. I believe in personal responsibility. Living at home for free and then complaining about it isn't practicing personal responsibility, IMO. In my very very humble opinion. If you are frustrated with a situation, it's always much more constructive to vent about it to neutral, objective parties rather than bottle up the NORMAL frustrations that occur in family life and take it out on undeserving people around you. That would be unhealthy and unproductive. I'm surprised at your "deal with it and stuff it" attitude. Venting does not really imply a sense of entitlement. To me, if the OP demanded that her family be more understanding, or worse, if the OP demanded financial recourse for her suffering, that would indicate a sense of entitlement. I take the attitude with myself, friends, family, my BF's son -- bitch all you want to about it. Just get it done.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 All I can add is that whatever else is going on in the OPs life at 27, their typing skills are not an indicator of laziness or productivity. I am a horrible typist. Especially bad at it in something as informal as an online bulletinboard. One theory I have about people that take offense at typographical errors in such things is that they have a need to feel superior. That need gets in the way of their absorbion of the ideas presented to them, presented imperfectly, but sitting there for their reflection. I agree that typos are not a reflection of laziness! What I said was, the OP cannot even differentiate "leave" and "live" - when in fact, the word live would have been easier to type. That to me, shows a person with a grade 5 level of education! What I was referring to was this OP being 27 and still couldn't spell! Geez -get a grip, guys!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 IAnd I disagree BO. I hate entitlement attitudes more than anything. I feel they are part of what is destroying our society. We are entitled to nothing. Most people work hard to attain goals. Does that mean people who work their butts off at work but just aren't doing it right are entitled to keeping their job? No, they can be fired just like anyone. Should we pass children in school even if they can't read b/c they have made sacrifices?? No. And what exactly is the OP sacrifice, anyway? Putting up with a family they don't like as an adult? Heck, if thats a sacrifice, I am certainly entitled to a LOT by now. I agree with you here, Pink Tulip! And why are we debating this??? People will either have good work ethics or they don't. The window of learning this has long passed - especially for the OP!
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I agree with you here, Pink Tulip! And why are we debating this??? People will either have good work ethics or they don't. The window of learning this has long passed - especially for the OP! I disagree for reasons I stated above. Read the thread. Honestly, considering the massive amount of spelling mistakes that EVERYONE makes, I have no idea why people point this out. Glass houses. Stoned (haha). All that jazz. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. What I have issue with is people using vocabulary words that they are unfamiliar with, misusing them or misspelling them atrociously. I certainly hope no one has quickly passed judgement on you.
Recommended Posts