Was It Revenge? (long post)

[sexybeast11]

My ex-boyfriend came to visit me this past weekend. We've been broken up for a year and a half, but have remained friends and speak quite often. We've remained each other's confidantes and support systems, even through dealing with other relationships. (Mainly the relationships he's gone through, since I haven't dated anyone since we broke up). Prior to his coming to visit me, he wrote me a long e-mail about how much he misses me and thinks about me, that he can't get over me, even though he tries to date other people. He stated that he really wanted to see me.

 

I was the dumper in the relationship, and although I have loved and missed him terribly, I have never led him on to think that we would get back together. But we have remained extremely close during our break-up period, I find that I miss him a lot, and this e-mail sent me into orbit, thinking that maybe we can get back together and make it work. I asked him to come visit me for my spring break. I thought this visit would be a test-run and a discussion of us potentially getting back together.

 

When he arrived he gave me a really long hug. He looked great. That night we laid down in bed, and he put his arm around and kissed me on the head, and I said, "Before anything happens we need to discuss things." He quickly retorted, "Why do we need to discuss things? Why can't we just enjoy each other's company?" He quickly shut me down in my attempt to establish the relationship boundaries.

 

We ended up going out of town, to a "romantic place," and when I presented it as such, he just smiled. He never stated that he felt uncomfortable with the idea of romance. The entire time on the trip, he paid for our dinners, paid for an expensive hotel room, and even took me shopping and bought me expensive sunglasses. At night he cuddled me, but never attempted to kiss me. I'll be honest, I still found him very attractive and wanted to be romantic with him. I grew frustrated, and asked him, do you still find me physically attractive? He replied that it's not about that with me, it's about who I am. I kept pushing, and he finally said, "You've let yourself go." This statement left me feeling devastated. Granted, I have put on some weight since we dated, but no more than 10 pounds. I hardly look any different from when we dated. He also said that he felt that having sex would mess things up, that it would put us back into relationship mode, and when we went our separate ways (he lives out of the US and I live in the US) it'd be too difficult to keep up because we're on totally different tracks in life. (True, but I'm graduating school now and can move to be with him).

 

Well, at the end of the trip, I confronted him with my feelings, that I felt he was running really hot and cold with me. I explained that he can't treat me like his quasi-girlfriend, leaning on me for emotional support, but nothing else. He explained that he doesn't know how he feels about our relationship, he doesn't know if maybe we'll end up married with children some day, but that he's not ready to make any kind of commitment to me. He says part of him wants to get back together with me, and the other half wants revenge for breaking up with him. He says he can't forget the day that I came home and said that I wasnt' happy and I want out. I understand what he's saying, but I don't understand why he's given me mixed signals. It ended with me saying that I can't keep playing this game with him, that he can't continue to use me as his emotional girlfriend and not expect it to mess with my head.

 

Was his behavior a form of revenge against me, a way to get me all messed up about him and then reject me?

[tikigods]

I think that this is one of the reasons why No contact is important in a relationship. Neither one of you have really been allowed the time to heal from what you two use to be. You say yourself that you still miss him and the like, that would only serve to cause more issues with all of this.

 

You have already stated at the top that you allow him to use you for emotional support, while he has been doing his things, and it sounds like thats how he views you now. His statement about letting yourself go was I think made out of anger and frustration.

 

You guys aren't on the same page of this "friendship" and until you both get on it. My advice would be to break contact with him and move on with your life.

[sexybeast11]

You're right, tikigods, we were on 2 different pages when he came to visit, but unfortunately it didn't get communicated from the start. I wish it had, it would have saved me a lot of heartache, and my pride, but it's definitely going to help me in establishing no contact with him.