Ariadne Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Hi you guys, I've been reading repeatedly here about the notion that there is someone out there for you. Things like: - don't settle. someone is out there for you. I hope I will be with someone who will look out for my interest, love me for who I am, cherish me and never take me for granted. Someone BETTER WILL come along. Be patient for the "good" one. I believe in people and I know there's someone (or lots of someone's) hoping that I will come into his life. Well... is that so? I'm in my late 30s, and all of my life all I ever found were guys that I was crazy about that broke my heart, or guys that I wouldn't be attracted in a million years that were very interested. Although I've been married before, it was the same misfortune. It's hard to imagine that at this point in life things are going to change and that suddenly someone will appear. I know some girlfriends of mine met the love of their life right after high school, are still very much in love and never had to deal with these situations. Eventually, when still young, they all seem to have met the "one" and have it relatively easy. I also know of some women, one that comes to mind is 68 years old, that is still single and never found love. I'm afraid that I'd be in the second category. I'd say that the chances of finding the "one" at this point are about 3%. I noticed that my problem seems to be that the guys that I'm attracted to, who were all very similar as far as personality, mode, and intellect goes, are just not attracted to my type. Not even one of them. I doubt that I'd find a guy that is "like that" that, ups, likes my type all of the sudden. I'm not sure if the answer is in the number's game. I read an article about someone engaging in this "finding the one business," who after going in over 70 dates with people he met online eventually found love and got married. I'm not sure if I'd have the will to go through that, I think that after a few dates I'd get grossed out and just quit. But that is just a guess. The question is: Do you guys believe that there is someone out there for you that you haven't met yet? And that the broken relationships in the past are some sort of encyclopedia meant to improve your selection process? Or do you think that your romantic past is a sign of what's to come? Ariadne
jerbear Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Do you guys believe that there is someone out there for you that you haven't met yet? And that the broken relationships in the past are some sort of encyclopedia meant to improve your selection process? Or do you think that your romantic past is a sign of what's to come? If the romantic past is a sign then the next person I would have romantic relationships with would be a president or executive vice president by title. I've pursued / dated supervisors, managers, district managers, senior vice president, and 1 ONS who was a VP or daugthers of them. I didn't know who they were or related to. I do believe there is at least one whom one has not met yet, it is possible you have met but past them over or even walked past. There is a short story called Tandy in Whinesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson; that talks about timing. It does improve my selection process but not really. I know what I really want. Personality, education, compatibiltiy, # of kids.
Author Ariadne Posted March 18, 2006 Author Posted March 18, 2006 Hey, Thanks Well, I also read that what you think is your type is not really your type. That you are just barking the wrong tree and that you should broaden your views. That would be my only hope, but I know some things I just can't compromise and those things were present in the guys I liked before. Ariadne
jerbear Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Well, I also read that what you think is your type is not really your type. That you are just barking the wrong tree and that you should broaden your views. That would be my only hope, but I know some things I just can't compromise and those things were present in the guys I liked before. Ariadne Another friend of mine said that and my style in the past was not for the E or C level exec's. I figured that out two months ago when a friend said that. Yeah barking up the wrong tree many times. I have to know when to give up early on. :laugh:
qnmc Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 "Do you guys believe that there is someone out there for you that you haven't met yet? And that the broken relationships in the past are some sort of encyclopedia meant to improve your selection process? Or do you think that your romantic past is a sign of what's to come?" I don't think there's a "one" out there, I think there are several potential "one's." What I've found, after doing tons of reading on relationships and the sexes, is that compatibility is made, not simply happened upon. It involves getting a commitment from one another to make sure you stay in tune with one another, that you accept one another for your flaws (and try to think of those flaws as cute if you can), that you both understand that the first 6 months to a year is the honeymoon period during which time you need to both adamently work on trying to become best pals. I think Hollywood has done us a huge disservice by making us think that relationships are supposed to be all fun with overwhelming love towards one another. In reality I think we need to do a better job of understanding what the phases of a relationship are. Here's a good article on the realities of finding and keeping the "one"... http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3300.html We also need to do a better job of laying down how we'll fight with one another. It's never the content of the fight that ruins a relationship, successful and unsuccesful cpls tend to argue over the same things, it's almost always the method. We need to become more conscious of when we are becoming overwhelmed by our emotions and make it so that its okay to take a break from a fight. Discussing things with as cool a head as possible, in a non-threatening way, while both being focused on a win-win for both partners (compromising) leads to healthy relationships.
justagirliegirl Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 By broadening my horizons, I found someone who I think is the one. I was married for many many years and then after the divorce I really wasn't sure what my "type" was anymore. I was even looking or wanting to be with anyone. I went for substance and not flash. I sorta had an idea about what I wanted and that is what I have. I knew I couldn't tolerate another stupid man. I wanted someone who didn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Down to earth and good sense of humor. I really didn't care about his occupation or how much he made
Guest Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 That's an excellent article, gnmc! I wish every single LSer would read it.
Curmudgeon Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Or do you think that your romantic past is a sign of what's to come? ...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. After my first marriage of 25 years ended I spent two years reinventing myself and making major changes in me and my approach to life, people, just about everything. I knew that in time, I'd find someone else to share my life and dreams with. It was simply a matter of who and when. Unbeknownst to me, I'd actually found her five years earlier but she was not someone about whom I had any romantic feelings. She was a former coworker who had also become a friend; someone I admired and respected. She'd also been single and uninvolved for 12 years, since her mid-30s and had a deep distrust of men and relationships. One of the reasons our friendship worked was because I respected her boundaries and never came-on to her. Two years after my divorce I asked her to join me for a short day trip and to share a meal which, as friends, I thought we'd both enjoy. I most certainly wasn't looking for romance, simply a pleasant day and enjoyable adult conversation. Cutting to the chase, we were engaged two weeks later, married six weeks after that and are still going strong 10 years later. Who'da thunkit? In our experience, love comes best when you aren't seeking it and least expect it. Was she the only one out there? Perhaps not, but she's the one who shares my life and my heart and no others matter. She's the polar opposite of the ex and I had to first change before I could fully appreciate her. One thing we both believe is that it took all the mistakes, bad choices and sorry experiences of both our pasts to make us the people we became and to be ready for one another. Age isn't a factor. She was 48 and had given up and I was 50 and very wary when we finally connected.
tonyp56 Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Fairy tales do not exsist, no matter the relationship and how "perfect" someone is, relationships take work, there will always be things that someone does that you don't like. Get over it, don't look for someone to meet all of your needs--I mean requirments--just look for someone, keeping your needs within reason. I mean they can't be smart, funny, tall, etc. all at the same time, you'll never find anyone.
Curmudgeon Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Of course a relationship takes work to be successful. However, it also has to be built on a solid foundation to perservere. Settling for less than you truly want is not the answer. The rest you work out.
Author Ariadne Posted March 18, 2006 Author Posted March 18, 2006 Hey, Thank you for your great reply and the reference to that article. compatibility is made, not simply happened upon. It involves getting a commitment from one another to make sure you stay in tune with one another, that you accept one another for your flaws... do a better job of laying down how we'll fight with one another I understand the importance of all of those things. In my case, whenever I met someone that I was willing to go the extra mile to commit 100%, stay in tune, etc etc, they didn't feel "that attraction or connection." So that kind of sucked. And I'm afraid they never will. Well, maybe I'm just venting here, Ariadne
Author Ariadne Posted March 18, 2006 Author Posted March 18, 2006 Hi, I went for substance and not flash. Yes, I have to agree with you here. Looks haven't made any difference in my attraction for someone (the guys I've been attracted to all look different). I've even become physically attracted to guys I didn't feel a physical attraction at first, once the other elements were switched on. Ariadne
Curmudgeon Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 We also need to do a better job of laying down how we'll fight with one another. It's never the content of the fight that ruins a relationship, successful and unsuccesful cpls tend to argue over the same things, it's almost always the method. 1) You both must agree to fight. 2) Anything older than 48 hours is ancient history and not to be brought up. 3) No verbal hitting below the belt. 4) Sit together and Hold hands!
Author Ariadne Posted March 18, 2006 Author Posted March 18, 2006 Wow! That was a wonderful wonderful story! I always believed that the best relationships are the ones that are based in friendship as opposed to in-love "crush" type feelings. Once you have the friendship, commitment, intimacy and undestanding, passion comes along its way. (That's what I thought I had with the online guy.. grrr) Thanks for sharing Ariadne
qnmc Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 1) You both must agree to fight. 2) Anything older than 48 hours is ancient history and not to be brought up. 3) No verbal hitting below the belt. 4) Sit together and Hold hands! Amen to the part about ancient history! I've been in too many relationships where in a fight, all of a sudden she is lashing out at me about things that happened months ago that have nothing to do with what we were orginially fighting about. I think we need to make a conscious effort to try and remember that our partner is not out to get us... that the reason they are bringing up an issue is because they usually want to make the relationship better (something's bothering them and the relationship is important enough for them to bring up the issue, that is). It's amazing how hard this is to execute though. The easiest thing is to get defensive. Hmmm, is there a pill for this?
Author Ariadne Posted March 18, 2006 Author Posted March 18, 2006 Hey, Get over it, don't look for someone to meet all of your needs--I mean requirments-- Well, I don't have that many "requirements," but I can't be attracted to a guy that is dumber than I am, or a guy that has no manners and is gross. And once I get turned off there's no going back, no matter how much I try, Ariadne
Curmudgeon Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Actually, there is a "cure." The reasoning behid that "rule" is that if you didn't confront the issue and lay it to rest right when it happened, it really wasn't important enough to make an issue of, then or later. Bringing up ancient history is actually rather cruel and infinitely unfair. None of us can turn the clock back. What's done is done and all any of us can try to do is do better the next time around and avoid repeating the same mistake. Being continuously held accountable for something you can now do nothing about is less than sustaining.
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