Do you have an agenda?

[TravelLight]

After getting through a pretty rough breakup I have retreated, survived, evolved and now hardly recognise myself in the mirror.

 

I have many unanswered questions about my previous relationship. It appeared mutally accepted that it was going the distance. But it seems somebody else suddenly changed their mind. How will I know if it's right to invest so much again?

 

For all the tough cookies out there, who seem to be carved from Teflon, did your expectations of what your future relationships were going to be like change in some way. I mean, aren't we all in this for the same reasons or do we get different agendas?

 

TL

[WeaknPowerless]

My agenda changed after about 7-8 of being with her. I fell madly in love, and when “the future” came up, I looked at this woman and felt in my heart that there would be no better person to start a family with. Previously, because of my own parents and my relationships, I had not had these feelings.

 

Now that she abruptly and coldly left me, I find myself really hesitant to give that sort of effort again. I was blindsided by someone I trusted with EVERYTHING. My own family didn’t know me like she did. Call me naïve, but this whole planet, every living person (minus family of course) were second to her in terms of what mattered in the long run. I pictured waking up, 90 years old with my beautiful girl there with me. I know I’m only 25, but I’ve had my share of girlfriends, so it wasn’t just love because I was that inexperienced. But I guess the more of this road I travel; the more I’ll learn. I am smart enough to know though, that the next girl (or possibly handful, I won’t really “love”). It’s sad.

 

Agenda? If I ever am lucky to find her again, but the real, honest deal, then I’d do it all over again, in a heartbeat. But anyone less then what I felt for her can’t be the real thing.

 

Then again, as my own thread states, I’m not even sure I know myself anymore.

[kitten chick]

Well I think I'm one of the weaker people here rather than one made of Teflon but I hope I can answer your questions.

 

How will I know if it's right to invest so much again?

You won't. It's a risk you have to take. Whether you're willing to take the risk or not is a personal decision. For me, I will never open myself up to someone again, it's not worth it but I don't think that's the norm, I think most people will.

 

did your expectations of what your future relationships were going to be like change in some way. I mean, aren't we all in this for the same reasons or do we get different agendas?

You'd better believe everyone has different agendas. You'll never really know what someone's true agenda is. People tell you what they think you want to hear. I always knew that but didn't really understand it until recently. Once I really started to understand it and see it happen in my relationships over and over again, that's when it changed my expectations of future relationships.

[TravelLight]

My agenda changed after about 7-8 of being with her. I fell madly in love, and when “the future” came up, I looked at this woman and felt in my heart that there would be no better person to start a family with. Previously, because of my own parents and my relationships, I had not had these feelings.

 

Now that she abruptly and coldly left me, I find myself really hesitant to give that sort of effort again. I was blindsided by someone I trusted with EVERYTHING. My own family didn’t know me like she did. Call me naïve, but this whole planet, every living person (minus family of course) were second to her in terms of what mattered in the long run. I pictured waking up, 90 years old with my beautiful girl there with me. I know I’m only 25, but I’ve had my share of girlfriends, so it wasn’t just love because I was that inexperienced. But I guess the more of this road I travel; the more I’ll learn. I am smart enough to know though, that the next girl (or possibly handful, I won’t really “love”). It’s sad.

 

Agenda? If I ever am lucky to find her again, but the real, honest deal, then I’d do it all over again, in a heartbeat. But anyone less then what I felt for her can’t be the real thing.

 

Then again, as my own thread states, I’m not even sure I know myself anymore.

 

WeakNPowerless, we're kinda on the same page, just different posts. Sorry about that. I didn't do it intentionally.

 

What do you mean when you say that the next handfull you won't love?

 

It's good to know that you're not so burnt you won't try again.

[WeaknPowerless]

Realistically, the next person, or the next few won't be lifetime partners. Not that they aren't great people, but the person that is "It" doesn't come along everytime. I may care greatly for someone, but I can't imagine the next girl being someone that I loved like I loved her. I can't explain how much more I cared for her compared to anyone else.

[TravelLight]

Well I think I'm one of the weaker people here rather than one made of Teflon but I hope I can answer your questions.

 

You won't. It's a risk you have to take. Whether you're willing to take the risk or not is a personal decision. For me, I will never open myself up to someone again, it's not worth it but I don't think that's the norm, I think most people will.

 

You'd better believe everyone has different agendas. You'll never really know what someone's true agenda is. People tell you what they think you want to hear. I always knew that but didn't really understand it until recently. Once I really started to understand it and see it happen in my relationships over and over again, that's when it changed my expectations of future relationships.

 

We are all social actors it seems. Sincerity or not.

 

My last relationship was 3.5 years. I was cautious about opening up to her initially. But she broke down the barriers. I fell in love. We moved in togther and then she questioned me about about mariage and children. Said there was not much point in having our relationship unless we were going that way. I opened up some more and agreed it was for us. We moved away together. Uprooted out lives and moved across the country, away from my friends and family. We agreed a mortgage on a house and then she walked away from me. Financially and emotionally I was in a very difficult place.

 

To be honest I broke down. In a major way. Lots of time chasing and not helpful to the situation. I applied the NC rule as learnt here and have come a long way. But there is much I don't know.

 

She's a human being. It was good enough for her at one point. I want her to sit down with me now and have the courage to reflect on what happened. Some see this as unhealthy; I see this as growth.

Of course I know this probably won't happen. Hence, the advice some give.

 

I don't know if to step forward with such caution or to unleash myself onto the world with reckless abandonment, totally uncaring. I don't think that's in my nature anyway though.

 

Just a dilemma I face.

 

Cheers,

TL

[justagirliegirl]

Good topic! I felt like that after my divorce. I really did not want to risk so much loss and heartache again and I was living it for awhile.

 

I wasn't looking for anyone and was content by myself.

 

Then by chance some months later I met my current bf. I find myself giving my all again and I wonder if I am foolish to even think this will go somewhere?

 

We get along beautifully and have a great time together.

 

But we have two big problems that neither one of us have control over. We lives in different countries and we have a rather large age gap.

 

He said the age does bother him sometimes. He worries about the future and me dying and a couple of times he has pulled back from the relationship maybe to protect himself. Then he is right back in it full speed.

 

I have always said I would let him go if he really couldn't deal with it but we are still together.

 

I don't know what is going to happen but if things ended at this point there would be tremendous pain for us both and I wouldn't risk again.