Am I (we) lying to ourselves?

[WeaknPowerless]

After reading some comments in the “When is breaking NC ok? (A guide)” thread about being a guy and having the ability to turn the feelings off and look to the future, I began to wonder what the real reasons are as to why I and others have so much trouble doing this. This does relate to women as well, of course.

 

Why can’t I just move on? Is it more then just missing someone that you loved? Am I lying to myself as to who and what I really am? Here are a few things I like to believe about me.

 

• Honest

• Independent (I have a career I pursued, regardless of others pushing me in other directions, my own hobbies, I like time to myself, etc…)

• Emotionally stable

• Capable to meet others (whether for friendship or relationship reasons)

• Good self-esteem

 

But maybe I’m kidding myself. Is my self-esteem really that good if I miss her terribly? Am I needy and crave attention from the opposite sex? Did I actually love her at all?

 

I’m beginning to question many things about all of this. The other night nearly wrecked me, and it’s been over 3.5 months. Right now I have butterflies just being lonely without her. When we were together, there were times when she would be gone for 2 months, back home. And although I missed her, I led my own life and never worried. I don’t think I was dependant on her, but it sure is feeling that way now.

 

This is a first for me as well. I was in a previous long-term relationship, as well as some teenage heartbreak (how silly that seems now), but nothing of this severity. She was my first REAL true love. I never questioned it to be one-way. It always felt reciprocal and I gave her everything, faults and all. And I took her in 100% of who she was. Now I feel like I was wrong, cheated and I am full of self pity.

 

This can’t be right.

[CaliGuy]

Hey I still get butterflies too. But that's for the person I thought she was, not really the person she turned out to be in the end.

 

I'd be real nice to find someone right now who makes me feel the way she used to.

 

It may not even be her you miss really, but the feelings she gave you. You loved her, so you feel that way. It's not easy to turn your feelings off. Some people can, some can't.

 

It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you at all. It just means you need more time.

[sick of it]

its funny that this post was written as i have been wondering how to fall out of love. obviously theres no 1 thing to do...hell...there may be nothing you can do but wait. however, im going on 10 months and i still miss her terribly and think about her all the time. despite being screwed over, despite being lied to, despite her living with a new guy after only a few months...i still love her. shes still the only one i want. theres no one else i connect to the way that i did with her.

im sick of waiting for it to go away. i want to be active in doing so. ive moved away from my home, ive blocked her sn, i dont ask about her and havent for a long time. she has nothing to do with my life and yet in my head shes a big part of it. i think about how long its been and i cant believe i still am hung up on her. is there anyhing else i can do. i dont like the situation im in right now as far as where im living, the people im around, the work i have to do. im not happy with life at all but all i can do it keep trucking forward. when does it stop becoming a chore? what can i do to facilitate it?

[Dinnj1]

The best thing you can do at this point is... move on. Now I don't mean the "move on", "Let her/him go... "He/she's no good for you.." kinda move on... the one we all hate to hear when looking for advice.. because we all know IT'S EMOTIONALLY and physically impossible. But a good start would be the basics... Get envolved... with your work, your hobbies, your family, the gym... ANYTHING that can occupy your time more so you will have less time to dwell. This also goes for sittin' in front the computer... when you know damn well, it's an absolutely beautiful sunny day and you're sittin' there sweatin' the ex. Guess what? she's not... so why should you. This is what helped me... I came to a point where I lived by LS, I needed LS.... I needed to hear and wanted to hear certain things from people. I wouldn't reply to someone who said something I didn't wanna hear. I wanted hope and a reason to have it. The more time I spent on the computer, locked in my office... became wasted time... and all this time wasted, SHE WASN'T CALLING! I hated it... hated missing her, thinkin' bout her, writin' letters that I couldn't send, constantly trying to come up with the ONE THING I could write/say that would get a response out of her. All for what? I gave up.

 

8 months later... we were talking again. 3 months after that... she's gone again. Now, is it me? Hell no... I just keep telling myself she's nutz. That seems to work.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

W&P: "... about being a guy and having the ability to turn the feelings off... "

 

I, too, was very shocked at that statement, but I have to look at the person who made it, -and then- I'm not surprised, at all.

 

I wanted to respond to that so badly, but have promised to myself try and stay off any thread he is responding to, due to the rash and nasty accusations and attacks on my reputation I have received recently from him (and I dearly hope and pray I can keep that promise).

 

I do think it was a false statement.

 

Men and women, alike (unless there is something terribly, terribly wrong with them emotionally) -cannot just turn feelings off and on like a water spigot.

 

To have the ability to do that, at will, is not 'normal' (for lack of a better word.

 

I have read posts in here from men pouring out everything -heart and soul- which give me pause to think and has even made me cry.

 

I refuse to believe that men, (unaffected by an emotional disorder, of course) , even in general, feel less emotion, or are 'wired' to feel it less intensely.

 

I based that belief on much first-hand knowledge in my personal dealings with the opposite sex, and some very good research by academic sources which prove it, as well.

 

Furthermore, I know it may seem, sometimes, to women -that men are all boorish, unfeeling masses of testosterone encapsulated in bearded skins and wrapped in bulked muscle, but I also know that, likewise, men, sometimes, view females as being silly, touchy-feel-y, weak, manipulative creatures wearing lipstick and thong underwear, waiting to either make you miserable or good for nothing more than a delightful toss in the hay.

 

Both are wrong, but are based on the extremely negative experiences of the person(s) most obnoxious and loudest voice.

 

Despite any bad experiences I have ever had, my overall experiences have been wonderful, -and I happen to love my masculine counterparts, -just the way they are.

 

(Smile)

 

 

-Rio

[TravelLight]

RE:

 

 

 

I, too, was very shocked at that statement, but I have to look at the person who made it, -and then- I'm not surprised, at all.

 

I wanted to respond to that so badly, but have promised to myself try and stay off any thread he is responding to, due to the rash and nasty accusations and attacks on my reputation I have received recently from him (and I dearly hope and pray I can keep that promise).

 

I do think it was a false statement.

 

Men and women, alike (unless there is something terribly, terribly wrong with them emotionally) -cannot just turn feelings off and on like a water spigot.

 

To have the ability to do that, at will, is not 'normal' (for lack of a better word.

 

I have read posts in here from men pouring out everything -heart and soul- which give me pause to think and has even made me cry.

 

I refuse to believe that men, (unaffected by an emotional disorder, of course) , even in general, feel less emotion, or are 'wired' to feel it less intensely.

 

I based that belief on much first-hand knowledge in my personal dealings with the opposite sex, and some very good research by academic sources which prove it, as well.

 

Furthermore, I know it may seem, sometimes, to women -that men are all boorish, unfeeling masses of testosterone encapsulated in bearded skins and wrapped in bulked muscle, but I also know that, likewise, men, sometimes, view females as being silly, touchy-feel-y, weak, manipulative creatures wearing lipstick and thong underwear, waiting to either make you miserable or good for nothing more than a delightful toss in the hay.

 

Both are wrong, but are based on the extremely negative experiences of the person(s) most obnoxious and loudest voice.

 

Despite any bad experiences I have ever had, my overall experiences have been wonderful, -and I happen to love my masculine counterparts, -just the way they are.

 

(Smile)

 

 

-Rio

 

Restores the faith. Thank you.

[kitten chick]

We may be loud and obnoxious Rio but our experiences are very real. Humanity is missing from our world today. Sorry but people are just uncaring.

[Art_Critic]

Men and women, alike (unless there is something terribly, terribly wrong with them emotionally) -cannot just turn feelings off and on like a water spigot.

 

 

No we can't.. but what we can do is stiffle them.. keeping busy .. Finding new girlfriends.. Working.. Hobbies.. Sports..

till the feelings that we have stiffled and put in the back are no longer affecting our emotions..

 

On the surface it can look like we don't care.. we do and did.. but we refuse to show it and move on regardless

[TravelLight]

No we can't.. but what we can do is stiffle them.. keeping busy .. Finding new girlfriends.. Working.. Hobbies.. Sports..

till the feelings that we have stiffled and put in the back are no longer affecting our emotions..

 

On the surface it can look like we don't care.. we do and did.. but we refuse to show it and move on regardless

 

Sure. Though suppressing them isn't an answer either. Believe me.

 

What's wrong with showing you care anyway? I've always admired that quality in people.

[Art_Critic]

What's wrong with showing you care anyway?.

 

Suppressing is a mode of dealing with it.. it comes out slower so we can process it easier.. so yes.. suppressing it is the answer for some people

 

The person you are showing doesn't care about you that way.. hence the breakup.. they may already be with someone else or they have emotionally released from you already..

 

So why put yourself in that position ? it is a weaker position unless your feelings are mirrored or received by the other party..

99 out of a 100 times they don't reciprocate your feelings and you are just making a fool out of yourself.. standing alone..

 

It is better to just move on to someone new and build something new with them than to get rejected by the old ex

[riobikini]

Kitten Chick,

 

In all kindness to you, I do understand you have sorely hurt and emotionally abused, but I believe no negative experience with love should be reason enough to set the worldwide population of human sexes in fatal opposition against each other.

 

The same as we absorb the meaning of the old saying " Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" , to me, applies to my choosing not to lock and bolt the door to the future possibility of having someone to love, again, in my life -and one who returns that love.

 

There is only one more saying I wish to include, and it has become an instant favorite -one that a friend sent me via email a couple of weeks ago, the excerpt from the piece is "Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it. Grown women know that that was just one man."

 

KC, as we grow, we these hurts do heal, and we do more than 'just get by'.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[TravelLight]

Suppressing is a mode of dealing with it.. it comes out slower so we can process it easier.. so yes.. suppressing it is the answer for some people

 

The person you are showing doesn't care about you that way.. hence the breakup.. they may already be with someone else or they have emotionally released from your already..

 

So why put yourself in that position ? it is a weaker position unless your feelings are mirrored or received by the other party..

99 out of a 100 times they don't reciprocate your feelings and you are just making a fool out of yourself.. standing alone..

 

It is better to just move on to someone new and build something new with them than to get rejected by the old ex

 

I wasn't necessarily talking about showing you care to the ex. Just generally, in life, to friends, family, posting on forums. It's not necessary to portray yourself as cold and without feeling.

 

I agree with most things you say. It is the most important thing to find inner strength and courage.

[kitten chick]

No Rio, I went on to love again after my emotionally abusive relationship. I knew he was just one person and I couldn't judge everyone based on him. Do you really think I formed this opinion over just one person???

 

And I didn't say anything about men versus women either. I said people.

[riobikini]

KC,

 

I'm sure that everyone on here (me included) who has an ounce of compassion, and after reading some of your posts, and hearing how some of your past relationships have affected you, want nothing more than to see you happy, and possessing the strength and ability to not allow those bad experiences to rob you of better, greater experiences with love.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

KC: " Humanity is missing from our world today. Sorry but people are just uncaring. "

 

P.S. And a few of us, still do care.

 

Despite everything.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

After reading some comments in the “When is breaking NC ok? (A guide)” thread about being a guy and having the ability to turn the feelings off and look to the future, I began to wonder what the real reasons are as to why I and others have so much trouble doing this. This does relate to women as well, of course.

 

Why can’t I just move on? Is it more then just missing someone that you loved? Am I lying to myself as to who and what I really am? Here are a few things I like to believe about me.

 

• Honest

• Independent (I have a career I pursued, regardless of others pushing me in other directions, my own hobbies, I like time to myself, etc…)

• Emotionally stable

• Capable to meet others (whether for friendship or relationship reasons)

• Good self-esteem

 

But maybe I’m kidding myself. Is my self-esteem really that good if I miss her terribly? Am I needy and crave attention from the opposite sex? Did I actually love her at all?

 

I’m beginning to question many things about all of this. The other night nearly wrecked me, and it’s been over 3.5 months. Right now I have butterflies just being lonely without her. When we were together, there were times when she would be gone for 2 months, back home. And although I missed her, I led my own life and never worried. I don’t think I was dependant on her, but it sure is feeling that way now.

 

This is a first for me as well. I was in a previous long-term relationship, as well as some teenage heartbreak (how silly that seems now), but nothing of this severity. She was my first REAL true love. I never questioned it to be one-way. It always felt reciprocal and I gave her everything, faults and all. And I took her in 100% of who she was. Now I feel like I was wrong, cheated and I am full of self pity.

 

This can’t be right.

 

First there is an awful amount of pressure we give ourselves by falsely thinking we shouldn't be missing someone...Any relationship in which you invested your heart is not going to disappear from your heart and mind and soul miraculously. It's a long process to heal. Your desire to be with here is natural...You love her, and love doesn't just die out because it ended 3 months ago or a year ago. The heated debate on that other thread was more about how each view NC and if it works for each individual breakup.

The questions that you are having come when you are giving yourself time from the breakup to process what happened. Today you might feel you love her like mad and tomorrow you might feel angry and full out betrayal and the day after that you still miss and want her. That's the whole process of healing. And you know what..there's nothing wrong with a little self-pity. There's not a soul on this earth when they are hurt who doesn't experience that.

I think that there are certain lies we tell ourselves in the beginning because, it's self-preservation. The shock of someone you love leaving you is overwhelming. We aren't able to fully step back objectively and ready to analyze ourselves and what part we played in the demise that relationship. So we justify or excuse this and that. We can't even believe that the person who left us is the same person we fell in love with. Did we wear blinders, etc. etc. In the end I personally feel that in the darkest hour of our pain we are still growing. And that's part of healing.

[sick of it]

Any relationship in which you invested your heart is not going to disappear from your heart and mind and soul miraculously. It's a long process to heal. Your desire to be with her is natural...You love her, and love doesn't just die out because it ended 3 months ago or a year ago.

 

 

the key is being able to put the love for that person aside. that is whats keeping me back. ive accepted that i will always love her, but when will the feelings be suppressed enough to let someone else in...to want to let someone else in.

[In Sync]

the key is being able to put the love for that person aside. that is whats keeping me back. ive accepted that i will always love her, but when will the feelings be suppressed enough to let someone else in...to want to let someone else in.

 

 

Of course you'll be able to let someone else in. I have to laugh at that thought because it's a given in life that we go on. Right now you are the equivalent of watching a cake bake. You are too worried in the present moment about what the outcome will be. You are the cake. And when things have risen within you, you will be ready for a new love and a new experience. But until all the mixed ingreidients in you sit and allow the heat to work it's magic all you are at this moment is wet dough.

Look, do you remember your first love. I mean very first love. If we go back in time, I am sure you felt the same intensity and hurt when it ended. Now you look back and go oh, that was my first love and it's not to be compared with this recent one (but if we could all go back and take a peek at our emotional reaction I can bet, we were all torn up and feeling that's it, will I ever let someone else in) See my point? Right now you are watching yourself, but if we were not able to overcome suppressed feelings we would all be emotionally

undeveloped. Losing in love builds your character. Yes it's painful, but you must work at overcoming any defeatest attitudes and doubts before being available to the next best love of your life.....

[Dinnj1]

but when will the feelings be suppressed enough to let someone else in

 

June 2nd, 2009...

 

C'mon... the longer you dwell, the longer it will take. Focus, focus, focus on something else... forget about the good times... think about the bad. Don't think about replacing her, cause that wouldn't be fair to the new SO in your life. We've all been there... and some ARE THERE... but it takes time... usually when you least expect it, you'll be ready. Chances are, that'll be the day you emotionally forgive her.

[qnmc]

"the key is being able to put the love for that person aside. that is whats keeping me back. ive accepted that i will always love her, but when will the feelings be suppressed enough to let someone else in...to want to let someone else in."

 

SOI - On some level, sure you will always love that person. I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of putting the love for that person aside, although I don't think "supress" is the right word here. I don't think they're "suppressed" so much as you accept those feelings and they become manageable to the point that you know you have them but they no longer stick out like a sore thumb. It's as if those feelings are there but you no longer notice them.

 

In terms of the amount of time it takes to get over someone, of course it depends on the length and intensity of the relationship, but I'd so a good rule of thumb is no more than a year. The intensity of the pain comes down exponentially over the course of that time, I think. It could be longer than a year or shorter, but I think a year is about average.

 

In my case, it's been about 5 months since we broke up and 3 months of NC. Over the past several weeks I've noticed quite a bit of a drop-off in intensity. When I look back to a few months ago the pain was bubbling just beneath the surface all the time... now, it's there but it's a heck of a lot more manageable.

 

As for when you'll feel up to letting someone else in... I think this is something that can't be rushed, it just kind of happens one day. What can help the process along is to stay active, get out of the house, work out, be as social as you can, and hurt when you need to. Initially I went out on a number of dates after my breakup, but I've found that I'm not ready to trust the fairer sex just yet. I know this will go away over time, but I'm not there yet.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

qnmc: "SOI - On some level, sure you will always love that person. I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of putting the love for that person aside, although I don't think "supress" is the right word here. I don't think they're "suppressed" so much as you accept those feelings and they become manageable to the point that you know you have them but they no longer stick out like a sore thumb. It's as if those feelings are there but you no longer notice them."

 

The word is 'stored'...(at least it's the one I have used over and over again to describe this)....we put those love experiences in our 'storage bank' for safe-keeping and for future reference when we need further support info about similar and more present relationship/love issues.

 

Looking at these 'memories' with the mental image of them being stored in a bank or vault of some sort, where only we have access, gives us control/management of them, as well.

 

So, yes, -those experiences with that particular love does stay with us, -the question is, how far back into the stacks of boxes and other stored items have they been stuffed?

 

Point: The more time rolls on and the more experiences we keep having that wind up in the storage bank, -the further the older experiences get shoved to the back of the storage vault.

 

-Rio

[sweethonisti]

I am sorry to hear about your loss...I have recently went through the same thing...it is hard and your emotions make you do some really stupid things...but as I have read on here she obviously was not the person you thought she was... if so she would have felt the same for you...as hard as it is to swallow I guess she "just was not that into you.." I know my ex wasn't "that into me.." and the rejection is difficult. I understand the lonliness...but one thing you need to know is that you had to give it a chance...you have to take that plung...it sucks when it doesn't go our way...but sometimes that god telling us he has different plans for us...trust that.

 

it does get better...lonliness is normal after a break up...try not dwell...love is like an addiction...we have to wean ourself off it.

 

have you realized any moment of clarity yet? If not it will come. Things will make sense to you...and you will be okay.

[sweethonisti]

I am very impressed by your statement...and understand your situation...sounds like mine...what you said helped me...thanks.

[WeaknPowerless]

First there is an awful amount of pressure we give ourselves by falsely thinking we shouldn't be missing someone...Any relationship in which you invested your heart is not going to disappear from your heart and mind and soul miraculously. It's a long process to heal. Your desire to be with here is natural...You love her, and love doesn't just die out because it ended 3 months ago or a year ago. The heated debate on that other thread was more about how each view NC and if it works for each individual breakup.

The questions that you are having come when you are giving yourself time from the breakup to process what happened. Today you might feel you love her like mad and tomorrow you might feel angry and full out betrayal and the day after that you still miss and want her. That's the whole process of healing. And you know what..there's nothing wrong with a little self-pity. There's not a soul on this earth when they are hurt who doesn't experience that.

I think that there are certain lies we tell ourselves in the beginning because, it's self-preservation. The shock of someone you love leaving you is overwhelming. We aren't able to fully step back objectively and ready to analyze ourselves and what part we played in the demise that relationship. So we justify or excuse this and that. We can't even believe that the person who left us is the same person we fell in love with. Did we wear blinders, etc. etc. In the end I personally feel that in the darkest hour of our pain we are still growing. And that's part of healing.

 

A lot of great responses here. I like this one a lot. Thank you.

 

Not by accident, but not totally on purpose, I found a few pictures this evening. Digital. God she was beautiful. I might be in fact lying to myself by thinking the things about her now that I do. I see that twinkle in her eyes...her smile that lights up rooms. I could post the photos of her and compare them to other women, and even though I can't be with her (I don't HONESTLY want to be with her either...I think), in my eyes she's still the most gorgeous person I've ever met. In every way.

 

I know this will fade, and I'm not writing this in a weak moment. Just some honesty when looking at her and how I felt. My attention and devotion never wandered from this woman, regardless of her faults. I can't wait to find "her" again. It's such an amazing feeling.

[In Sync]

A lot of great responses here. I like this one a lot. Thank you.

 

Not by accident, but not totally on purpose, I found a few pictures this evening. Digital. God she was beautiful. I might be in fact lying to myself by thinking the things about her now that I do. I see that twinkle in her eyes...her smile that lights up rooms. I could post the photos of her and compare them to other women, and even though I can't be with her (I don't HONESTLY want to be with her either...I think), in my eyes she's still the most gorgeous person I've ever met. In every way.

 

I know this will fade, and I'm not writing this in a weak moment. Just some honesty when looking at her and how I felt. My attention and devotion never wandered from this woman, regardless of her faults. I can't wait to find "her" again. It's such an amazing feeling.

 

Thank you WP I hope my words can be of benefits for you and all others who are going through this obstacle of healing...I can only add, watch yourself when stumbling along photos and then the whole reminiscing about the ex. It seems like a harmess action to check out her pics and think objectively about her beauty yaddah yaddah yaddah...but if you continue and you are feeling up and down emotionally, these little photo hits will come and bite you in the balls...you'll be building a little wall of hope based on the photos. They are constant reminders that you are not together (this is being reinforced in your subconscious and will make you feel sad when you least expect it) Set that nonsense aside and start zeroing in on yourself now. If you and your ex are able to still communicate with one another in the future fine so be it, but until then. Stop the romanticizing. Work on you now. If it's meant to be then you'll have plenty of time to be preoccupied with her later on, BUT for now, start focusing on your needs outside of her. WHO are you without the ex?