CaliGuy Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Well, I had a bit of down time today. I had a card from a friend who I don't see often who just said "I'm sorry to hear about you and xxx, I just want you to know that I'm always here for you". Just that bit of kindness set me off. Isn't it strange that you cry when someone is nice to you? But for all those newly single, just been dumped people out there, it does get better. Slowly, but once you've recognised that the relationship is over and accepted it, you can start to move on. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. For the record, I have stopped no contact and although I don't contact him, I will answer the phone when he rings and mostly answer his texts. I know that this relationship is over and I would like to salvage the friendship and I don't believe that talking once a week is going to seriously set me back in my recovery. FWIW, if you're still in love with him I would recommend you break off all contact. You can not be friends with someone you're in love with and it will drag out your healing process much longer than it should. During the time you're still 'friends' with the ex, you won't heal and be able to accept someone new in your life. When opportunity knocks, you won't answer the door. Good luck.
carmaenforcer Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Hi lemon, I had my ex break up with me after 9 years together. She was really grown up about it and I was falling apart. She ended up changing her mind 3 weeks later and wanting me back, I of coarse jumped for joy and took her back but never got over the hurt surrounding her being able to put me through that. A year later I broke up with her because I didn't trust her to not do it to me some time, again. We remained friends but the feelings didn't stop until we made the decision not to keep in contact anymore. A few months later she broke the agreement and contacted me we talked a couple of time but only on e-mail. I found that my feelings came back again, piggy backed on memories I'm sure. After all, 9 years is a long time to be with one person and not be tied to them in some profound way. It's so much easier when they do something bad to you or are A-holes in general, but when they are nice and things just don't work out for what ever reason especially when it wasn't your idea, it's super hard. Just surround your self with "good" friends, no negative people, and have fun. Go out and do stuff that takes up your time and takes your mind off your problems for a little while at a time. You always have us here in LS remember that, ok.
Author lemon Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 I take your point Caliguy, but I really don't feel that I'm going to be held back by speaking to him once in a while. He's such a nice guy that I think to ignore his calls and messages would just be rude. I don't continually check for calls or anything like that. I've made the decision that I am not getting back together with him under any circumstances, basically for the loss of trust reasons that carmaenforcer outlined. So I want to save the friendship. I've booked and paid for a speed dating event in the next two weeks, I've got loads of weddings to attend (and they're great places to meet people!) and although I'm not looking for a serious relationship I think I need to find out what kind of person I'm attracted to again. Looking back at my posts, I don't recognise the person I was 2 weeks ago when I wrote about my breakup! So I'm definitely making progress. Thanks again to all you guys for your support - every cloud has a silver lining and mine was that I found out how many genuinely lovely people there are in the world, friends, family and even strangers on an internet forum!
MrAndyFisher Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Delete the number out of the phone, thats what i did, just in case your tempted
KittenMoon Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Caaareful, lemon. We're in similar sitches, and hearing you already doing speed-dating, that's a bit concerning. I've had that rebound feeling as well, just the idea of a casual date or two, but I think it's just another piece of the process. It sounded great a week ago... now it feels like I need more time to get my head together. Why not take a few months and let it happen naturally, if it's going to happen, and hold off on speed dating for a bit? Can you not spare a few months of your life being REALLY alone after a 9 yr relationship?
Author lemon Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 I'm pretty sure I can handle being alone. I doubt I'll even meet anyone I like whilst speed dating, but I don't see the point in just sitting at home going over things in my head. I'm in a new place, where I know few people, and it's as good a way as any to get out of the house. I don't miss the relationship, strange as it may sound. I do think he's a wonderful guy, but looking objectively, maybe the relationship wasn't destined to work and we were simply together out of habit. We were living together but now I've moved closer to where I work and I have to make the effort to meet new people. Breaking up has opened a lot of opportunities in terms of work and lifestyle and I'll regret it if I don't take them. There are things, like being able to share things with him that I miss terribly. But I don't think I'll be able to share anything that close with anyone else for a long time and I'll be happy being single.
KittenMoon Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Find some community or arts programs in you area and take a class or two! After my split, I started a writing class. And now I've got my eye on a couple of art classes as well. I've met some nice people and it gives me some focus.
Author lemon Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 tee hee! If only I could. My job unfortunately doesn't allow for outside interests, given the ridiculous shifts I work. I can't keep up with the many interests I already have, let alone taking on some more. And as I'm in the early stages of my career, that's more than enough for me to focus on for now! I do wonder if my career got in the way of my love life, to be honest. So that's why I am happy being single - I'm doing speed dating for a laugh, not to find my life partner!
KittenMoon Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I have to admit, I am curious about speed dating ever since I saw "The 40-year Old Virgin". Paul Rudd freakin kills me in that movie.
Author lemon Posted April 2, 2006 Author Posted April 2, 2006 ok, I guess you can all say I told you so. He's told me that he's interested in a girl from work and is taking her out for dinner tonight. Sounds like she has a lot of issues herself, but it's obvious that he feels a lot for this girl. To be honest, I think I'd rather find out that he's seeing someone now than have this setback 6 months down the line. At least now I can get over that as well. I obviously feel hurt that I've been replaced so quickly (how can guys do that?) but then again he hasn't had to get over the relationship ending like I have. But I don't feel as bad as I expected and I do want him to be happy. Bit concerned that this girl is going to mess him around though. Oh well. Not my business, but it's difficult to stop caring.
KittenMoon Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 You were together 9 years and he's replaced you in less than three weeks and you seem so calm about it. I'd be spitting fire if I found that out. In fact, hearing this makes me feel terrified that I have already been replaced. How can ANYONE be like this? You should hope this new girl f*cks his like up royally. It's ok to be angry and pissed off. Let it out. The go find a hotter, nicer, cooler guy.
oss91 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I obviously feel hurt that I've been replaced so quickly (how can guys do that?) Don't just say it's guys because we all know it's not. She broke up with me on a Saturday evening, and then on Monday was sleeping with some other dude. Classy I know, but it's not just guys that do this kind of thing. Of course, she has since had 7 boyfriends in the 3 1/2 months since we broke up, and she's been dumped every time. And she says I'm the desperate one for a relationship? Hogwash.
CaliGuy Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 They don't do it overnight. Feelings change gradually, faster if they've met someone they have 'chemistry' with. On the outside, to the dumpee, it looks like it was overnight but trust me, their feelings started changing for you a long time before they pulled the trigger. The warning signs are there (just check Tankbarks most recent thread) for sure. We just choose to listen to our hearts instead of our gut. 99.9% of the time our gut feelings are correct.
kaunis Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Tankbarks new thread? I can't find it... could you show us the link?
littlekitty Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t85518/ Here you go!
carmaenforcer Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 lemon sometimes you have to read between the lines, hard to do when you have a flood of emotions clouding your judgment. but if only look back on what has happened, been said by him, etc. If I remember correctly, he left you and he had a very grown up attitude about the whole thing, making you seem like the freak for not just letting go, but your not. You are dealing with has been done to you in a very normal way for someone that is still in love. you said, He's told me that he's interested in a girl from work and is taking her out for dinner tonight. listen to what he told you, dissect it, analyze it, "read between the lines", he's interested in a girl from work and is taking her out for dinner tonight. I'm sure he didn't just notice this girl after breaking up with you, more than likely he just needed to free himself of any attachments (you) so that he can then pursue someone he had his eye on for a while. My ex before my W did something similar to me. Broke up with me because some guy that she had been talking to on the internet (a car forum) was going to be in town for business and they were finally going to meet face to face. She technically did nothing wrong because she had the decency to leave one relationship before pursuing another but come on, you are not supposed to be window shopping for your next lover when you are in a committed relationship. She later (3 weeks) changed her mind and asked me back, I never forgave her for that and I ended up leaving her a year later. Another ex of mine (ex-wife) left me and then ended up with some guy from work a week later. Hmmm. Just a co-inky-dink. BS! I hear she cheated on him too with another guy from another job. Wow, didn't see that coming. You can go ahead and stop feeling like you lost a great guy, you didn't, you are lucky to not have that A-hole in your life anymore, he's that other girls problem now. Never treated you bad, he was actually the sweetest guy to you! Maybe, but doesn't change the fact that he left you and conveniently found a new girl at the place where he works. Don't worry, life has a way of balancing it out in the end. It's called Karma...
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