lemon Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 My boyfriend has just broken up with me (2 days ago) after a 9 year relationship. I am still very much in love with him. He just explained that he is no longer in love with me. I had no idea this was coming, right up until the very end he was just as loving and attentive as he always had been. He says he wants to be best friends and that I should contact him whenever I need to. I can't stop wanting to contact him. When I do, he is always as lovely as ever. We spend most of our time chatting about everyday stuff, just like friends. I know I shouldn't contact him, but the fact that he is always so nice and supportive means that I feel uplifted every time I talk to him. He does wonders for my self esteem. Everyone on this forum says that no contact is better. Is it wrong to try and be friends? I feel that if I try and break contact altogether, I will feel too empty. We built our lives together from the age of 16 and lived together.
tikigods Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 The reason why you would feel empty without him, is because most of your teenage and early 20's life it sounds like you have needed him and he has been there for you. You haven't had a chance to discover yourself cause you were always with him. Take this time to find out who you are, and ask yourself, what if tomorrow he finds another girlfriend, or just starts to date a bunch of girls, and he tells you, or you find out, how would you feel? Its stuff like that that makes no contact and no friendhsip right now a good thing, you both need time to heal, and you need time to move on before it happens. Its time you find yourself your OWN way to boost yourself up instead of relying on a guy that will eventually move on from you
sazzya1987 Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 My boyfriend has just broken up with me (2 days ago) after a 9 year relationship. I am still very much in love with him. He just explained that he is no longer in love with me. I had no idea this was coming, right up until the very end he was just as loving and attentive as he always had been. He says he wants to be best friends and that I should contact him whenever I need to. I can't stop wanting to contact him. When I do, he is always as lovely as ever. We spend most of our time chatting about everyday stuff, just like friends. I know I shouldn't contact him, but the fact that he is always so nice and supportive means that I feel uplifted every time I talk to him. He does wonders for my self esteem. Everyone on this forum says that no contact is better. Is it wrong to try and be friends? I feel that if I try and break contact altogether, I will feel too empty. We built our lives together from the age of 16 and lived together. After being together for so long this break up will be most difficult so I think it be best you go out with friends and let him contact you rather than you contact him, you never know he might miss you and realise he made a mistake. He might just want to be single for a while to see what it was like with out you in the first place. But if he doesnt love you then you can't make him love you back and eventually he will move on from you and find a new girlfriend so I think it best you just go out with your girl friends ans have a good time, meet new friends, join clubs. There is plenty fish in the sea.
Author lemon Posted March 17, 2006 Author Posted March 17, 2006 Everything you say is true, I just keep needing to hear it! I need someone with a big stick to prod me every time I want to go to my mobile phone. I tried to email him explaining that I want no contact but I just don't know what to say! Does anyone have any idea how I can word it without being harsh or needy? He is such a good man, I don't want to hurt him and I can see he's only hurt me out of necessity.
KittenMoon Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Lemon- I am going through a break-up after 6 years with someone I love intensely. I don't know what to make of the situation, he more or less broke up with me, but I told he we would have to have NC for a while or nothing would heal. I hate every minute of it, and I've already broken it twice, but with communications (a letter and an email) that I never asked for expected any responses to, so I feel they are ok. They're part of my style of healing. I don't intend to contact him again and the urge to is already residing. I think you should just say we need to have no contact for a while, a few months probably, to see how things feel. It's as simple as that. And let him contact you first in the future- if he wants a second chance, he will have to prove it to you, and you should expect a whole ton of proof. It's going to be more miserable than anything, but it's better to break contact. If you draw it out, you guys will end in anger and hate and without any chances of reconcilliation or eventual friendship.
quankanne Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 I tried to email him explaining that I want no contact but I just don't know what to say! Does anyone have any idea how I can word it without being harsh or needy? explain to him that because you still care very much for him, and that you want to remain on good terms because he's your friend as well as a former boyfriend, the best thing for now is to do no contact for X amount of time so that you can adjust to this change in your relationship. Him being as good a friend to you as he sounds, I think he'll understand this need for no contact. good luck, honey … break-ups are hard, but remember: as much as you care for this guy, the person you are meant to be with is out there waiting to meet you. Look at your relationship with the guy you broke up with as a good training in the right way of loving someone, and know that not only are you capable of that love, but that it does exist and will happen again. hugs, quank
Yamaha Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 explain to him that because you still care very much for him, and that you want to remain on good terms because he's your friend as well as a former boyfriend, the best thing for now is to do no contact for X amount of time so that you can adjust to this change in your relationship. Him being as good a friend to you as he sounds, I think he'll understand this need for no contact. Very well put, Quankanne. If he really is your friend he should be willing to give you the time you need to heal. These situations will tell you for sure rather they are your friend or just selfish but you need to stick to your guns for your sake.
Author lemon Posted March 17, 2006 Author Posted March 17, 2006 Do you really think I should put a time on it? If i said no contact for 6 months/1 year for instance, would that just be detrimental as I'd have this time in my mind to work towards? Or is it ok because I'll have moved on a bit after this time? I think to say I never want to speak to him again would be hurtful to him and despite everything, he has been a good friend so I don't want to do that. It's so hard! Maybe I should just say that I don't want to speak to him until I've got over him?
oss91 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 That sucks, it truly does. My girlfriend of six years decided she wanted to be single. I've taken my distance from her in the past, but this is the first time she's ever said that she wanted to do her own thing. This whole healing process is very interesting actually. Of course she is 20 and I knew this day was going to come eventually, so it's not really that big of a surprise, but it still sucks. As bad as it is, and it is bad, it could be worse. He could have waited for 6 months more, and y'all would have been that much closer. Imagine what it would have been like had y'all been engaged, married, or even have children. Wow, that is something I never want to experience personally. So as hard as it is just be thankful it's not any worse. Because it could always be worse. He said he doesn't love you any longer after nine years. It's true that people do change and can fall out of love and back in again and back out again, but what has changed? Has he changed, have you changed, have you both just changed? Think hard. After nine years it will be extremely hard for him to simply walk away without looking back. Being that close to someone and then turning your back without feeling anything simply doesn't happen. Know this, he is thinking about you, in what context however I am unable to say. Just let him go and don't contact him in any way, nor should you make yourself more available than normal. For instance, if you never log on to instant messenger don't all of a sudden start doing so in the hopes that he will contact you. Besides, is communicating with him through IM really how you want to communicate with him? Probably not. I hope everything works out for you. And remember, there are plenty of people feeling like you do, and even more who are much worse off. Be optimistic!
Author lemon Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 Thanks oss91. You have no idea how much it helps having messages of support from people I don't even know! I'm sorry to hear about your breakup too. It's the second day of no contact, and I have to say that the second day has been a bit easier than the first. I hope that the third, fourth and fifth days will be even easier. I'm keeping busy and although I still do think about him all the time, I'm not looking at my phone every minute (just every 5 minutes!) We lived together so didn't ever communicate online, just in person and by phone. I don't even use anything like instant messenger, thank goodness. Well, we'll see how it goes. I hope he is thinking about me, and I haven't got past the stage of hoping he regrets it for ever, and looks back on our relationship in 10 years time as the best thing he ever had! Petty I know, but I feel it's justified....
Citizen Erased Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Of course it is justified! We all have those sort of feelings after a break up and you are no different, especially after 9 years together! However, in 10 years time you will look back, when you have a great husband/boyfriend, family etc and realise that it was the best thing to happen if he isn't in love with you. Just try to think of positive things and dont break NC and I know you will begin to heal. Good luck!
Author lemon Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 I know it's justified, but I still don't understand myself! Why do I want someone I love so much to hurt so much? I'm sure I would be delighted to hear that he's moping around and is finding life incredibly hard without me. Selfish I know, especially as I've now made the decision that even if the most unlikely thing did happen and he did want me back I wouldn't take him (this is the head talking not the heart, but I'd make sure the head would win). I've decided on no contact and that's that. I'm giving myself 2 weeks maximum to whinge to people about it and then I'm going to spare them and get over it. Wishing myself luck.
KittenMoon Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Lemon- 2 weeks isn't much to give yourself after 9 years, even if it's just the "whining" phase. Be prepared to give yourself several months, if need be, for recovery. I feel your pain. I'm on about a month now. It's like being on a journey, I feel utterly broken and miserable over one thing only to begin to accept it, but then something else comes up and I'm broken and miserable again. But that journey through things has gotta end, right? Get it all out now, even if it just keeps coming until it stops.
Author lemon Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 I was planning on being superwoman, who doesn't feel emotions! After 2 weeks, I was hoping to be able to force myself to think about other things whenever I found myself thinking about him. Not possible? As this is my first and only serious relationship, I'm not too experienced at this! I'm just taking advice from all the people on this forum who have kindly shared their experiences and say that I need to divert my mind away. I may well find that it's not possible and retreat back into my little hole. But I really want to try and get out of the state of mind that I'm in at the moment!
KittenMoon Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Geez, do I want to be superwoman too. But it's not happening. I've been having a 5 week anxiety attack, I've lost 10lbs, I cry every day and all this even though I had been considering breaking up with him too! Let yourself feel, remember, and run through everything. If you remember something about your time together and it makes you cry, let it out, because that will help you resolve it. Right now I have snapshots in my head of everything we did over the years, things he said to me. I can't even drive without thinking of him, because on every road there's memories of us driving on it. This is the worst process ever, but it's still a process, right?
CaliGuy Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I was planning on being superwoman, who doesn't feel emotions! After 2 weeks, I was hoping to be able to force myself to think about other things whenever I found myself thinking about him. Not possible? As this is my first and only serious relationship, I'm not too experienced at this! I'm just taking advice from all the people on this forum who have kindly shared their experiences and say that I need to divert my mind away. I may well find that it's not possible and retreat back into my little hole. But I really want to try and get out of the state of mind that I'm in at the moment! Do you have friends you can hang out with? What are your hobbies? Have you joined a gym? You should. You can occupy your time with hobbies, friends, working out, reading a book you've always wanted to read. There are plenty of things you can do to keep your mind of him. Trust me, I'm doing every single one of those things and while I still think about the ex, it's not as often as it used to be.
Author lemon Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 well, it's now been 1 week and 1 day of single life. I've just got back from staying with a friend for a couple of days and I can't say it's got that much easier. I haven't contacted him or the other way round, even though I've had the phone in my hand a couple of times. Everyone says how well I'm doing - I've always been "the strongest person I know" to my friends. I'm going through the motions of everything Caliguy has suggested - watching loads of films, spending time with friends. But even whilst doing all these things, and especially at the end of the day when I go to bed, I still feel that emptiness which I just want to go away. I guess I just have to trust that it will get better and I know it will. I just want it to get better now.
KittenMoon Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Good job lemon. I hope it gets easier for you. But if it gets worse, don't get upset about that! I did well for the first few weeks, but then kept breaking down over and over again. Just push through it. It's been over a month for me now. I've broken NC several times now mostly to be faced with his anger or avoidance (even as I see him pushing back tears), but at least I got the stuff I needed to get out of my system out. I still wanna talk to him everyday, but the urge is fading because I feel like I finally told him the things I needed to. I almost feel like it's getting a tiny bit easier, so maybe everyone's right when they say it does. I mostly wish I could stop sobbing everyday. The emptiness will fill up again. There may always be a scar, but a scar is a sign of something that has healed right? God, this is so hard. I agree, I want the pain to be over NOW.
Author lemon Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 How do you prepare yourself for the inevitable - that your ex will eventually fall in love with someone else? I'm doing as much as I can to get over him but I see now that it is not a quick process. But if he were to tell me that he is with someone else, I'm sure that will increase the pain beyond even what I feel now. I'm terrified of it. I'm sure there is no one else at the moment, so I probably have a few weeks/months grace. I doubt I'll be completely over him by then though, and I don't want to be knocked back right to where I am now. Knowing him like I do, he would tell me first to save me having to find it out from other people. It will probably be that this is the thing to break no contact and I think that would be too many emotions all in one go! Any thoughts?
KittenMoon Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Oh my god, I don't even want to think about this. It makes me sick to my stomach. But the funny thing is that I can't see my ex falling in LOVE for a loooooong time. Or even ever. I'm trying to resolve the fact that he'll probably fall in lust quite a bit- meet some girls who will undoubtably get bored of him after a few months when they realize he's more dedicated to his work than them. And maybe that's all he wants in his life right now- I really began to feel like the fact that I was hi gf and he had obligations to me was the part of our relationship he hated most. I feel like he wanted a girl with less obligations attached to her- I'm not sure what he's thinking because the only girls who don't want 100% dedication are mostly skanks and doormats, or girls that'll be in and out of the "relationship" in a few months, tops. And maybe what I need is a few flings too, to put my life in perspective. I know I certainly won't be able to LOVE for quite a while. I guess all I can say is try not to think about it. People don't just pop from soulmate to soulmate and if they do, well it's obviously not as deep as they think it is. But he'll undoubtably move on into some sort of relationship, if for nothing else but that niceness of being with someone. Why not think of someone you would like to move on to- even just someone made up in your head? I know it's hard- right now I feel like I don't want anyone ever again- but maybe visualizing YOURSELF with someone will make it easier to avoid visualizing him with someone else. Also- maybe you want to ask people NOT to tell you about his next gf. I have to see my ex in a couple of months at a wedding- I will probably break NC to see him again and avoid a overload of emotions at the wedding and I plan on making it clear I don't want to know about whether, yes or no, he has a new girl. I just don't want to know yet.
Author lemon Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 Sigh. It's good advice. Not that I'm anywhere near ready to move on, but after reading KittenMoon's post I just thought I'd have a look at some online dating sites to see if there were really that many single men out there. There are! But almost every profile I clicked on specified that they were looking for a caucasian/white girl (there's a box specifying age, race, smoker etc that details what the person is looking for). I've never been hung up about my race and it's certainly not a discussion I want to get into here. I do believe that I will eventually find someone else. But it does seem like my options would be severely limited if I wanted to try online dating like the break up advice suggests. It just makes me feel my loss more acutely - it was obviously never an issue when I was with my ex.
KittenMoon Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Haha- I've been doing the same thing ever since this whole situation began. Trying to see if there's anyone I'd be interested in at all. Nope. Saw one that was vaguely possible, but I don't think he liked cats, which is a major dealbreaker for me. But I don't intend to resort to online dating for a while. Still, its kinda fun to look.
Author lemon Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 It's funny, but I seem to have made a major breakthrough without even realising.I've forced myself to stop thinking about it and not let myself wallow and now I no longer think about the breakup all the time, I went to a function yesterday and started chatting to a couple of guys who were really nice and even responded to their flirtatious comments in kind! Having really missed out on the whole dating game in my teens/early twenties, I didn't even know if I had it in me to flirt! I had lots of compliments on my appearance and felt great! So it's not the end of the world, I wouldn't say I was over him by any stretch of the imagination but I can certainly start to see forward now rather than just looking back. Thank you to everyone who's posted words of support/encouragement, it's really helped over the past week. I'm sure I'll still have my down times, but at least I'm eating better now and managing to sleep a lot better.
destination_unknown Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Thats good lemon, you took the scary plunge and are enjoying yourself. You must have some amount of will power to force self to stop thinking about it - be very proud of that! But like you said you will have more down times, i think its a bit of a rollercoaster, it will probably hit you like a ton of bricks again so be prepared. But when it does hit at least you know you have good times to look forward to soon and itll keep getting better as time passes.
Author lemon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Well, I had a bit of down time today. I had a card from a friend who I don't see often who just said "I'm sorry to hear about you and xxx, I just want you to know that I'm always here for you". Just that bit of kindness set me off. Isn't it strange that you cry when someone is nice to you? But for all those newly single, just been dumped people out there, it does get better. Slowly, but once you've recognised that the relationship is over and accepted it, you can start to move on. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. For the record, I have stopped no contact and although I don't contact him, I will answer the phone when he rings and mostly answer his texts. I know that this relationship is over and I would like to salvage the friendship and I don't believe that talking once a week is going to seriously set me back in my recovery.
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