He isn't ready for anything serious - is this ever true or just 'a line'

[HurtNConfused]

New here. Looking for some advice to help my heartache. Thanks for reading.

 

Long story short. Met a guy, got on great, we connected and opened up to eachother. Met his friends, often called me just for a chat, talked of us going travelling together and doing things in the future. He often said he thought I was great. He thought we were compatible. We got on extremely well. When we met, neither of us wanted a relationship and we tried to keep it casual but it didn't happen.

 

Very kind guy with a good heart. We saw things very similarly, sometimes reading eachother's minds. It was a bit scary!

 

I knew I was starting to fall for him and was frightened. I considered breaking it off a few times because I really didn't feel there was a future (because we are in different stages of our lives) and I knew that the longer it went on, the potential to hurt was increasing rapidly. I was never strong enough to do it. I liked him too much to end it.

 

He still has a lot of living to do. He is several years younger than me, quite emotionally inexperienced and in many ways a boy becoming a man, but not quite there yet.

 

He takes drugs regularly. There is something he's not facing and he uses the drugs to block it out and I've told him that, very kindly. He agrees.

 

Anyway, he broke it off, said he just wasn't ready for anything serious. He wants to be friends and has the left the ball in my court to contact him.

I haven't contacted him because I need time to heal and understand things. I couldn't cope with a "friendship" right now. Maybe in the future.

 

I miss him though and I'm sad. And a huge part of me (my inner demons) fears he never cared and that "i'm not ready for anything serious" is a mere line... does it just mean "I don't like you that much anymore - It's over". It hurts to think I never meant anything to him and that he could walk away so easily. Maybe I've just been very naive.

 

In anybody's experience, have they ever met someone they liked but just didn't feel ready to take that next step? And if so, why didn't they feel ready? Is someone just not ready because they're with the wrong person?

[justagirliegirl]

How long were you two together?

[HurtNConfused]

only 4 months...not a long time.

[Ariadne]

He wants to be friends and has the left the ball in my court to contact him.

 

Do you think you can talk to him and ask him the things you are confused about?

 

I know with the guy I liked I felt this enormous connection too, but then I talked to him and it so happend that he didn't feel any connection at all and it was me making this love story.

 

Now for some reason I don't even feel like dweling in the past or think about him all day long, somehow I see him like some guy doing his thing that has nothing to do with me.

 

Ariadne

[justagirliegirl]

Unfortunately around 3-4 months is when people decide who they are with isn't really for them.

[destination_unknown]

Did he break up with you just after you talked to him about his drug use? It may be that he just isnt ready to give up that lifestyle and settle down, in which case, and i know this might hurt, it just doesnt mean enough to him to change his lifestyle.

 

You said yourself you didnt really see a future for the two of you so maybe it is for the best, and maybe what you are feeling right now is the space he was supposed to fill but couldnt really ever fill anyway, does that make sense?

 

At the end of the day its hard to say if it was a line or not, but that is the line that he is giving you. Perhaps in the future when he has sorted out himself then you could restart things ... but if being friends would hurt you then dont put yourself through that.

[HurtNConfused]

Ariadne - thanks for your reply.

I don't think it would help me to contact him. I'd only analyze what he says to the nth degree and not be any clearer on the matter. Or maybe I'm frightened to hear he felt no connection. *gasp*

 

But he said things like "I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I could tell you absolutely anything". He did tell me a lot about himself. And things like "I'm really into you". His friend even told me that he really liked me.

 

I'm sure it wasn't 1 sided. Or maybe it was. I don't know. I just don't understand.

[HurtNConfused]

Destination Unknown - Well we hadn't had the drug conversation until he broke up with me.

 

Initially in the 'relationship' I took part in the drug use at times, then I decided it just wasn't for me, but he'd continue taking them with me around... I think my withdrawel from the drugs kind of made him feel weak.

 

I know the last two weeks we were seeing eachother he was taking a lot of drugs. Perhaps to dull his feelings..?

 

But just a few days before he broke up with me, he deliberately put off taking them until he'd had an hour long friendly chat with me on the phone (which he initiated and made last that long). As we were ending the conversation, he was rolling up a joint.

 

Maybe he was confused. He is very indecisive. Perhaps in the end he chose the drugs.

[sexyLMC]

hunny i havent got alot of time at the moment so i didnt get a chance to read all of your letter. but from the line

He isnt ready for anything serous

that sometimes is true hun.. me and my ex went on a break only for me to find out it was because he was fallin inlove with me and he couldnt handle it..

lets face it babe we all get scared sometimes, maybe he wants to be totally incontroll cause come on people lets face it.. when your in a serous relationship its not only urself you have to think about.

 

i hope it all gets sorted hunny.

take care

lisa x

[Ariadne]

Or maybe I'm frightened to hear he felt no connection. *gasp*

 

Well, if that is the truth then the truth will set you free.

 

Be happy for the moments together and understand that the time has come to part ways. No reason to feel hurt, that's just how things are.

 

"I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I could tell you absolutely anything". He did tell me a lot about himself. And things like "I'm really into you". His friend even told me that he really liked me.

 

I'm sure he did, and that is great too.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[HurtNConfused]

Ariadne - you are very philosophical! I guess I am too early on in the grieving process to see things that way.

 

I'm just hurt and struggling to understand what happened. Thanks for your words

[skeptik224]

Yes, it is true that sometimes people just aren't ready for a relationship. My ex broke up with me for that very reason. She wasn't ready for various reasons. She lived with me and we were very much in love. She told me that she got scared and ran the other way. There was nothing I could do or say to change her mind. I had to let her go, and it was the hardest thing I had to do. She said she loved me, wanted to be with me but wasn't ready to commit. So, yes, it is true that some people aren't ready for a relationship. It sounds crappy but the timing is just off. I don't think the time frame the 2 of you were together has any relevance. It's so hard to let go when a relationship ends this way. Trust me...I know.

[PRETTYBOI1982]

only 4 months...not a long time.

 

You shouldn't be pushing yourself to the limit. Just a 4 months relationship isn't long enough to even stress out over it. Give it some times and if he's not meant for you then there's nothing you can do about it. Relax and be patience about relationship. I'm not saying every relationship should wait but if you insist on rushing then you're just hurting yourself.

 

Most relationship takes time to build up. Honestly, people say age is just a number but I can surely tell you right now that that's not always true and not everybody thinks like that especially guys. I'd surely wouldn't want to date anyone older then me because that would create a high profile between me and my sweet-heart. I've heard many critic claims that when a women dates a man who is older then her then it's like she's taking her manhood away or something.

 

You should start focusing more on your life and staying alert on more important things then to be foolish about a relationship that's not within your control. Anyways, wish you the best of luck and please, do not take any of my comments offensively! If I may have said something that's not what you want to hear then I'm very sorry!

[HurtNConfused]

PrettyBoi - You are right. I rushed in and got carried away with my feelings. I really should have learnt not to do that by now.

 

My mistake for not protecting my heart better.

[PRETTYBOI1982]

PrettyBoi - You are right. I rushed in and got carried away with my feelings. I really should have learnt not to do that by now.

 

My mistake for not protecting my heart better.

 

Now that you notice! Aren't you taking very good care of your heart now? You are more important then anyone else beside your immediate family members. Be grateful that you're still here today to move on and live on, and explore even more wonderful things in life. You can never predict what the future will be like and who knows? You might end up being in love with the guy who happens to love you the most more then anything in the world someday.

 

Just don't give up and put yourself down all because of one mistake you had made. Make it a lesson and learn from it. The old saying was "you learn from your mistake". Just don't end up repeating your same old history over and over. I'm not a psychics or any high celestial being, but I do believe in the kindess of your heart that somebody will come to you. Every peron's good heart deserve something good somewhere in times.