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He isn't ready for anything serious - is this ever true or just 'a line'


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Guest-Snoopy
Posted

New here. Looking for some advice to help my heartache. Thanks for reading.

 

Long story short. Met a guy, got on great, we connected and opened up to eachother. Met his friends, often called me just for a chat, talked of us going travelling together and doing things in the future. He often said he thought I was great. He thought we were compatible. We got on extremely well.

 

Very kind guy with a good heart. We saw things very similarly, sometimes reading eachother's minds. It was a bit scary sometimes!

 

I knew I was starting to fall for him and was frightened. I considered breaking it off a few times because I really didn't feel there was a future (because we are in different stages of our lives) and I knew that the longer it went on, the potential to hurt was increasing rapidly. I was never strong enough to do it. I liked him too much to end it.

 

He still has a lot of living to do. He is several years younger than me, quite emotionally inexperienced and in many ways a boy becoming a man, but not quite there yet.

 

He takes drugs regularly. There is something he's not facing and he uses the drugs to block it out and I've told him that, very kindly. He agrees.

 

Anyway, he broke it off, said he just wasn't ready for anything serious. He wants to be friends and has the left the ball in my court to contact him.

I haven't contacted him because I need time to heal and understand things. I couldn't cope with a "friendship" right now. Maybe in the future.

 

I miss him though and I'm sad. And a huge part of me (my inner demons) fears he never cared and that "i'm not ready for anything serious" is a mere line... does it just mean "I don't like you that much anymore - It's over". It hurts to think I never meant anything to him and that he could walk away so easily.

 

In anybody's experience, have they ever met someone they liked but just didn't feel ready to take that next step? And if so, why didn't they feel ready? Is someone just not ready because they're with the wrong person?

Posted

I don't think it's just a line. If he is using drugs he does not love himself so how can he love someone else? I got that line from an ex who used and he tried to love me but it was just to hard with the place he was in. Don't look at his age, whether 20 or 50 they may not be "ready". I'm sure without the drugs he's a great guy but it is not worth wondering who he will be tomorrow, himself or the mess. It sounds like it is all for the best. I have remained friends with some guys who weren't ready and you know what? 5 years later they still aren't ready with all the women they have met. Just move on girl.....

Posted

Sorry to hear this. Drugs...as hard as it is forget this guy. Mainly for your own health. Ppl who do drugs cheat and have unprotective sex = HIV.

 

As dramatic as this sounds -- is he worth dying for?

 

In addition, ppl on drugs screw things up. They can hurt you and worse your family. Is he worth getting your family hurt over?

 

Finally, no matter what you will always be the "other person" when it comes to drugs. He will steal (your stuff) for drugs, pick drugs over you and in essence cheat on you for drugs. So is this worth your life? Worth your families' life?

Posted

Hey there, that is a huge generalization. The guy I was with didn't have sex with me and we dated for 3 months. He was OK waiting 6 months into dating, though we've been friends 6 or 7 months now. He smoked pot and drank. That is not going to be the same as a heroin or crack user. He worked 60 hours a week and did not steal. Though I think a lot of overtime was to pay for all his "fun".

 

But if he was drunk he was painfully argumentative, defensive and I almost saw him strike blows over nothing with some guy he didn't even know. He spoke to me with no respect at times despite good intentions. And I hated speaking to him and having obvious conversation where he was messed up. Point is guys with substance abuse issues are no good and it will come out in some way or another, but I don't think we can say they all have an HIV risk or steal.

  • 8 months later...
Posted

Hey

 

I'm in exactly same situation as you! My guy is 24 and I'm in my early 30ith. We dated a few months, was totally a pair. But he's not ready

 

We totally fell for each other, connected in every way - intellectually (he's very smart, well read, way beyond his age), emotionally and physically. We get each other's jokes, finish each other's sentences, exchange ideas on big issues but also have fun in little things, and physically we're passionate and compatible. We both said our connection was rare and both were extremely satisfied with each other. No fight, no major issues. Then one day bumb he said he's not ready. I was very careful and gave him space and freedom and do not bring up anything, but he's still scared. He told me he's ambitious, he doesn't know what he wants yet, he likes me very much, but right now he just doesn't know.

 

This is my only real love affair in years. I'm intelligent, attractive, successful and I fell for this guy. I think I love him, but it's over.

 

He's just not ready, no matter what.

 

I have tons of guys who want to be with me, but I just want to be with him. I don't know if I want to let go, as I feel lonely in my soul not having him in my life. But how long am I going to wait... 10 years?

 

I believe in true love has nothing to do with life stages, age, distance. But maybe I was wrong.

Posted

Snoopy,

 

In my experience, when they're not ready, it's because they're not crazy enough about you to seriously consider the future. He may not have enough experience to realize that finding a connection is very rare and that he may not get that again.

 

I wouldn't take it personally though. He will have this problem for some time until he gets his head straight. THere are plenty of other guys who get a good thing when they see it and won't risk losing it by screwing it up with some nonsense that he's not ready. You need to look for those guys and stop wasting your time on teh guy who doesn't have his head on straight.

Posted

I was in a similar situation. I had a 6 month LDR with my ex gf. She was 22 I'm 30. We are at completely different points in our lives. It pisses me off so bad though. I mean, I feel deceived. For 5 months she made me feel like what we had was unbreakable. Although I had insecurities being so far away, I never thought it would end. I've had much longer relationships with less of a connection than I had with her.

 

We fought allot for the last month. Now that I look back, what we fought about was meaningless. Things got blown out of proportion. Now it comes out that she wanted to break up because she felt that she didn't want to be with anyone when she graduated college in the spring. She wants to be free to make whatever decision she wants, and not have to worry about anyone else. It makes me so angry though. I have to respect her wishes, but for so long she made it out to be so perfect, like nothing would tear us apart.

 

I remember feeling that we were too far apart in our lives when we met, but that feeling faded. I'm ready to settle down, and shes ready to go out, party and be with as many guys as she wants. She was that way before me, and changed while we were together, but shes right back in her old patterns again. As "guest" said a little above, I'm in the same boat. I have no problems getting women. It takes allot to interest me, and she just did it for me. Age didn't bother me. I know how much it takes to find a good connection...

Posted
In anybody's experience, have they ever met someone they liked but just didn't feel ready to take that next step? And if so, why didn't they feel ready? Is someone just not ready because they're with the wrong person?

 

Sometimes a person is just REALLY not ready. It would be impossible to know at this point. If he happens to jump into another relationship and gets married a bit later ... well, then you can draw some conclusions.

 

From what you've written, it does sound like he's really not ready. He does have some things to work on.

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