fooled Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Thanks for all your support when I was away and sad this weekend. One of the reasons I left was because I knew my ex's lease was up and I was hoping she'd move - but didn't want to be here in case she didn't -- knowing that if she renewed, she'd be down the street for another year and that would be torturous. So, I returned and have been feeling good - feeling strong. I got a VM from her today. I listened. Stupid. "I have something I want to tell you. I called you a few weeks ago and didn't hear back, so I don't know if you're not talking to me. I'm going out of town this weekend, so call my cell, but I'll be at home all day. I really have something I want to tell you." Her tone was melancholy. First of all - DAMMIT! She still lives there! However, my gut tells me this call is to let me know that she is moving, either out of the neighborhood or to NY with her lover. But it would be like her to want to tell me "I won't be around so you don't have to worry about running into me." Calling back serves no purpose. I already convinced myself she was living elsewhere. What would hearing it from her do? Just hurt. I am better off not knowing. And silence tells her that I don't care what she does or what she wants to tell me. But deep down do I still? Even while hating her for cheating and lying - why do I want to hear "I made a mistake - please take me back." Why would I want to do that? I haven't spoken to her in 2 months. I haven't heard her voice in 1 month until today. I know this is just a blip, but what a blip.
amaysngrace Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 my ex does that too, Fooled. he calls and sounds so sad all the time. i hate when he does that. i deliberately put a smile on my face after i know it's him. not cuz i'm happy but because i can. i smile cuz i can. and he seems even more agitated. and then i laugh, subtly of course. soooo...what's the verdict? has she left? i'm not certain by your post.
Raven1845 Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Oh Fooled, I'm so sorry to hear that she's left a VM for you that has only upset you. If she was going to call and you were going to listen to it, I wish she would have told you what she was calling about. If she's only calling to tell you that she's moving (and especially, moving to NY with her lover) then she's a b*tch. I'm sorry, but she is. After all the hurt she's put you through, she shouldn't be calling to cause you even more pain. I know what you mean about wanting to hear, "I made a mistake, please take me back." I long for those very same words . . . from a man that has caused me excruciating pain. I keep thinking if I could just hear those words, I would be okay. I envy everyone so much when their ex contacts them. Mine is way too pig-headed, prideful, and stubborn to ever contact me. I loved him . . . no challenge in that. I will never hear from him again and it hurts like H*ll. Then again, I've noticed that those of you that do hear from your exes are caused even more pain. I wish I knew the magic words to make it go away for you and for me. All I can offer is my support. I understand what you're going through. She's an ass. She screwed up. Until she tells you she's sorry and she screwed up, she isn't saying anything you want to hear, so don't give in. (would CaliGuy be proud of that last small paragraph?) Hang in there, hon.
CaliGuy Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 She's an ass. She screwed up. Until she tells you she's sorry and she screwed up, she isn't saying anything you want to hear, so don't give in. (would CaliGuy be proud of that last small paragraph?) You betcha Fooled, don't call her. Whatever it is, it isn't important - TO YOU. She wasn't considerate of your feelings when she screwed around, why should you be considerate of hers? Don't call her back. It's been two months of NC. What, is she completely clueless???
Author fooled Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 You betcha Fooled, don't call her. Whatever it is, it isn't important - TO YOU. She wasn't considerate of your feelings when she screwed around, why should you be considerate of hers? Don't call her back. It's been two months of NC. What, is she completely clueless??? Yeah - agreed. You're exactly right - she wasn't considerate of my feelings at all. I shouldn't have even listened - if I had known it was from her, I wouldn't have. And then when I heard her voice.....I just couldn't. I hope the unreturned calls is telling her I don't want care about her life. Part of me thinks that my not returning the phone calls is telling her I am hurt and avoiding her. ANd that's why she's calling - to relieve my pain by telling me she's leaving. So noble. I am quite surprised she remembered calling me a few weeks ago she was so hammered. The thing is - I was doing so well - I already considered her gone. Now I have to control my imagination.
CaliGuy Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 You'll be fine, man. When you have the urge to call her, call me instead. You have my digits.
Author fooled Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 You'll be fine, man. When you have the urge to call her, call me instead. You have my digits. Many thanks - and to you, Raven and Grace.
Ariadne Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 "I have something I want to tell you. I called you a few weeks ago and didn't hear back, so I don't know if you're not talking to me. I'm going out of town this weekend, so call my cell, but I'll be at home all day. I really have something I want to tell you." Oh fooled, fooled, fooled... You have to be stronger than your fears fooled. Do you really think you are doing better now living in the dark? Ariadne
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Don't fall for it. If she really has something that you need to know -- and that would only be about your belongings or business matters or an apology which doesn't include the motive of asking you to come back to her -- then she can always type it into an email or letter. It sounds like this is another ploy to manipulate you into doing what she wants -- and if she wants you back, we both know that it's a really bad idea. Stay strong. Call CaliGuy or me if you get tempted.... CaliGuy is local and that's a big help!
Author fooled Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Oh fooled, fooled, fooled... You have to be stronger than your fears fooled. Do you really think you are doing better now living in the dark? Ariadne Are you suggesting that I call her to find out what she wants? My decision is this: I'm not calling. She disregarded my feelings throughout our relationship - if this is a call to let me know I won't have to worry about running into her anymore, then that's bullsh*t - cuz why start caring about me now. No - she just wants to know if I still care about her or think about her. If it's something she REALLY wants me to know, she can leave a note on my door. Or call one of our dozens of mutual friends and ask them to tell me, which of course they won't unless it would benefit me. My gut feeling tells me it's the former. And my gut has been right all along, she just convinced that it wasn't. Part of me says that by not calling her, which is obviously a conscious effort, she knows that I'm still hurt - another part says by not calling, it tells her I just don't care to talk to her. I don't know which she believes. But both are correct. By the way - I had that funeral ceremony for her Monday. I wrote her a 9 or 10 page letter, recalling everything from our relationship from Day 1 - both good and bad. Ended it by saying "I don't know where you - I only know you're gone. I will remember you, but you can't hurt me anymore." Then I burned it. I felt really good afterwards - and until the call today, which negated it, dammit. But I recommend the funeral ceremony. It's cleansing. Hi, Jencakes!
Ariadne Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Oh, How complicated... How many explanations, how much stuff... Things are simpler than you make them fooled. You are just scared. Ariadne
Ariadne Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Then again, I've noticed that those of you that do hear from your exes are caused even more pain. That's because they can't be honest. It's just a facade. They are trying to impress their exes by telling them that they are over, that they don't love them, and that they are just fine. Nobody will feel better after at talk like that. They are just lying to themselves. You can only relate when you speak from your heart. That will be the door to understanding. Ariadne
Author fooled Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Didn't sleep well. Woke up angry. Wrote a bunch about it. Have therapy this morning. I believe that this is a pre-emptive call, as I will see a ton of mutual friends this weekend - one of them I'm sure will unknowingly inform me about whatever she's doing before I can tell them I don't want to hear it. I know this is just a bump in the road, but I feel like Week 3 again. I know she is gone. I just want to move on.
bendit Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Fooled you are getting some advice that breaking NC is ok and that you just have to be "honest" and give in to it. This advice is faulty as well as dangerous. It is the naive perspective of someone who would love to GET contact from an ex lover, and projecting it onto your situation. It is not the advice from someone who is EMPATHETIC with the healing process one must traverse to recover from an addictive relationship. The facts speak loudly here. Even a tiny bit of contact with the poisonous ex set you into a tailspin. This is a huge lesson. The folks who are doing LIMITED contact are having setbacks. It couldn't be more clear as folks here demonstrate over and over when they break NC. TOTAL 100% NC is the surest fastest way to heal and I am sorry you had a slip up. We have all had them. But just remember that even listening to voice mails can be destabilizing and dangerous. And what you just went through has been a lesson for us all. Please. I hope you can IGNORE the advice of some of the posters who are counseling "just give in; just be honest; just talk it out". Unfortunately this advice will be in your threads too, and you will have to process it. Hopefully, you can look back at your OWN experience and see that anytime you contact with even a lowly voice mail, you get hurt. Total 100% NC is the surest fastest way through this. I have done both. I have done limited contact and total 100% NC that allows nothing to get in. I can tell you that for those who know where they are headed and that is OUT and through, total NC HEALS like nothing else. And you are going to get through this. Be sensible and logical. If you are, the only conclusion you can come to is NO CONTACT = NO NEW HURTS. regards ps: I would change your phone number.
Ariadne Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Even a tiny bit of contact with the poisonous ex set you into a tailspin. That girl living down the street walking the dog is not a monster. She is just a girl living her own reality. He should be able to embrace her and love her for what she is. Romantic partner or not. He is not there yet, he is trying to hate. Hate is unnatural and it destroys you, Ariadne
amaysngrace Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 NO CONTACT = NO NEW HURTS Fooled, this is a great mantra for the day. i do believe this refers to 3rd party contact as well. if anyone you see this weekend feels the need to speak of her, reflect on it now how you will feel about that and choose your reaction wisely.
bendit Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 With all due respect, your advice to contact is harmful. I don't believe you have any idea how painful contact is to someone who was hurt badly in a relationship and that tells me you haven't been listening. And by that I mean comprehending what you have been reading. Perhaps in your situation, contact was appropriate. But clearly clearly you must see that contact has hurt fooled. Yes, when there are two healthy people involved in a relationship ending, you may be able to have some limited contact. But this is not the case here. Please familiarize yourself with this particular circumstance. Please familiarize yourself with the proven advice for healing from dysfunctional relationships from many many experienced people. But please don't go around telling people to contact when its obvious to an empathetic person that contact just brings more pain. Fooled told us as much. But you have to Listen. regards regardsEven a tiny bit of contact with the poisonous ex set you into a tailspin. That girl living down the street walking the dog is not a monster. She is just a girl living her own reality. He should be able to embrace her and love her for what she is. Romantic partner or not. He is not there yet, he is trying to hate. Hate is unnatural and it destroys you, Ariadne
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 That girl living down the street walking the dog is not a monster. She may not be a monster, but she's the bitch who disrespected Fooled and lied to him. She is just a girl living her own reality. So why should he be part of that twisted reality? He should be able to embrace her and love her for what she is. Romantic partner or not. Embrace her for what she is? HUH? Yeah, maybe if he had rocks in his head and no self-respect left. He is not there yet, he is trying to hate. Hate is unnatural and it destroys you, There is a differnce between anger and hate. He can be angry at the person and hate the behavior. He's angry, and he has the right to be. Fooled is allowed to feel whatever emotions he needs to feel in order to heal.
Ariadne Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 she's the bitch who disrespected Fooled and lied to him. She lied to Fooled because she felt that was what she needed to do. Yeah, maybe if he had rocks in his head and no self-respect left. Self respect has to do with listening to your heart and acknowledging your feelings in order to find peace and balance. Ariadne
Author fooled Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Thank you Jen, Bendit and Grace. No disprespect, Aria, but they have it nailed. I will never be able to love who she is - I only loved what she presented to me. I can't write enough about this today. I want to scream. How dare she call me again! How narcisitic do you have to be to think that a person not returning your phone calls wants to hear what you "have to tell" him? You said "She lied to Fooled because she felt that was what she needed to do." Nearly accurate: Need to do / wanted to do - it doesn't matter. It doesn't make it right or acceptable or even forgivable. Guys - I know I will be okay in a week. Bendit, I may just have to change my numbers since I don't have blocking service. This weekend at the convention, I plan on just doing my time and leaving. I resent that I have to work so hard and change my life in order to heal. I resent it. I hate that the thought of eating Indian, Chinese, Thai food or sushi takes me back to times with her, so I avoid them. I love those foods, but I consider this a part of NC. A part of the purging of her from my life. When I am 100% over her, I will introduce them back into my diet. I miss her and I hate her and I love her and I never want to see or hear from her again. I am incredibly jealous of the thought of her moving in with another guy - even though she has a right to do what she wants now (even though she was sleeping with him while we were together). Even though I know it has NOTHING to do with me. I am not thinking "how could she move in with him and she wouldn't with me." Because she would have. This is about someone else paying the bills to allow herself to remain irresponsible. She would have certainly moved in with me - then spent the night with her "sister" or "parents" or away on a "business trip" every so often. And I don't feel sorry for this guy at all. I know him. I think he's a scumbag. He's a total hound. The irony of two serial cheaters living together has not escaped me - though it is no consolation. And truthfully, I don't even know this to be a fact - it's simply an assumption. An assumption that I hope is not validated or invalidated. I just want her gone. Except the tiny part of me that still just wants her.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 she's the bitch who disrespected Fooled and lied to him. She lied to Fooled because she felt that was what she needed to do. Even more reason for him to NOT allow her in his life. Yeah, maybe if he had rocks in his head and no self-respect left. Self respect has to do with listening to your heart and acknowledging your feelings in order to find peace and balance. He is listening to his heart. He is mourning and loves who she pretended to be -- not the real her. He also refuses to sacrifice his self-respect by returning to someone who disrespects him, deceives him, has loose morality and would not be someone who is a decent prospect for a long-term monogamous relationship.
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