kitkat826 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I agree with BlahBlahQueen. If it was a guy staying at my place and he had no job and wasn't going to school, I don't think it would be inappropriate to want him to pay attention to the chores around the home. If you use the space, you should take care of it. If her Zoloft isn't working properly to control her depression, then that's another issue..but NO its not stupid for him to expect her to take care of the home that SHE is using as well. On the flip side of supporting someone who is depressed issue, I have financially supported someone I dated for four months with absolutely nothing in return, and no, that wasn't much fun either.
cal gal Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 the title of this song is making me laugh because a song by the band Cake starts very similar The song is called short skirt/long jacket... it start like this: I want a girl with a mind like a diamond I want a girl who knows what's best check it out... the title is cracking me up!
ddnnee Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 yup, girls are no longer the traditional princesses of the past. Now they are an army of feminine rights, equality, same pay, share the house work, and basically men! I too want a girl who can cook/clean, but there's none to be found in america. must look else where like another country. Oh ya, to protect my ass about other country girls dumping my ass for citizenship. I will gladly marry a foreign girl for 5 years and have her divorce my ass over some MADD/Feminazi/Women Equality crap. At least they know how to treat a man and clean/cook. I win both ways whether she divorce me or not. I get a cute and skinny girl for 5 years, she dumps me... then i get to renew my wife by marrying another one. *ddnnee falls over into fetus position and prepares self for feminazi's incoming beatings.
justagirliegirl Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Only wimpy men are afraid of smart women. Amen to that
blind_otter Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Unless you understand depression, it's not that simple. It's not like she is saying I DON'T WANT to work or go to school, she probably CAN'T. Meaning, she isn't functioning normally enough to cope with daily things that you find easy. Maybe to her, it's such a challenge. Each person with depression is different. Maybe those on the meds have MILD depression, who knows?? The worse the depression, the harder it is to maintain a job and function normally. It's too easy to assume she's lazy and has no worries. NONE of us know what goes on inside her head. Only her boyfriend does, and it seems he isn't seeing the whole picture either. Getting her to clean up his place isn't going to cure her depression or snap her out of it. Only meds and therapy can. Her willing to FIGHT it and learn how to control the depression instead of it controlling her. Well here's the thing, about that. It's her responsibilty to fight it. If she's laying around the house, it's akin to laying down in the middle of a busy road. She's allowing her depression to eat her up. When I lost my 2nd baby in the 2nd trimester, I had KILLER postpartum depression (if you'll recall, I posted about it). I didn't even get out of bed to take a shower. I had to get out of bed and DO things with my day to even begin the process of healing. So him allowing her to continue moping is only enabling her depression....not allowing her to grow. She should be encouraged to go see someone, get meds, get outside for 2-3 hours a day of direct sunlight, get the blood moving, get endorphins going. I get depressed pretty regularly. I have to force myself out of it, because I am one of the few who does not respond well to SSRIs -- because of my seizure disorder. So I have to help myself. But it's worse if I have a partner who allows me to sink further into depression.
basscatcher Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 If I'm working fulltime I would expect my SO-if living with me or staying more then a day or two- to help around with chores. I don't expect him to do the big stuff but he can help out with dishes, garbage and picking up after himself. If I don't work or go to school all I would ask of him is to take the garbage out. If I am at home I feel it is my duty to take care of the house. It is my job.. But that doesn't give him the right to come home and live like a slob and I am a maid to wait on him hand and foot. In the past I have always cleaned up after myself and even cleaned my bf's (x) apartments if I stayed for a few days or more.. I was raised to clean and cook and that is ingrained in me. I wasn't raised as a princess. I started to learn how to cook at clean at the age of of 11. I have been cooking full meals by myself since I was 13 yrs. old. I learned how to clean everything (toilets, laundry, wash floors, vacuum, dust) since I was 12 yrs old. I was even shoveling snow, mowing the lawn, hauling wood and taking care of the wood stove by the age of 15. So I guess that makes me rare in America huh?? I am not a sought after commodity.. I have found that most men want their women to be princess's. I have upset men for being a strong worker. I get scolded for hauling up 15 bags of grocerys up 3 flights of stairs into the apartment without asking for help. I've gotten scolded for moving the furniture myself while cleaning, I've been yanked out of the kitchen and taken out for supper because I live in the kitchen after work preparing meals, I've been sneared at for changing my own oil in my car and doing light mechanical repairs by men.. I am a midwestern woman so I do cook and I do clean.. It is called survival.. Growing up and living in Minnesota takes hard work because Minnesota is known for its farming, forests, mining and 4 extreme seasons(outside the big city areas). I am from the poor farming communities in northern Minnesota where most familys had to help one another out in order to survive.. We women are a fairly strong breed.. I don't see anything wrong with electric_sheeps request. On Zoloft or not she could help him out... I have been on Zoloft and it doesn't immobilize you unless you are on too large of a dose.. She sounds like she might be lazy and doesn't have any discipline. Maybe she is a pampered princess and she doesn't know what work is. We don't know this because the OP hasn't said what kind of person she is. If e_s isn't happy then he needs to find a country woman who was raised with the old fashioned kind of woman values... Farm girls are typically like this. And it doesn't mean they are hillbilly toothless creatures with no education or manners.. Same thing goes for you ddnnee--you need to look in the right places to find the kind of woman you seek.. They usually arent raised in the city... but you can find them in the city...
catgirl1927 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 It really depends what a guy is looking for in a woman. If he basically wants a live-in maid that is his property, he hopefully will have a very hard time finding one. I have a good job, make good money, am completely independent and cook and clean. The "old fashioned values" that ddnnee is talking about are: 1. don't think for yourself 2. be completely helpless 3. be stupid 4. let the guy cheat
Author electric_sheep Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Well, I think ultimately I made this post out of frustration yesterday. I pretty much knew the answer already. She doesn't clean the place up for 2 reasons: 1) She is depressed. 2) She grew up in a very messy household (with a depressed mom), and hence her idea of "mess" and mine are drastically different. I tend to side with the other posters on here that agree it is NOT too much to expect, and I don't care what sex you are. If you stay at someone's place for a week, eat their food, watch their TV, use their shampoo/computer/toilet paper/electricity, etc ... the least you can do is feed the damn cats so your SO doesn't have to do it when they come home. Personally, I'd do much more than that. Though I disagree with whichwayisup about the cleaning, I agree with him/her about the depression. Depression is a killer. It seems like the sufferers are completely self-absorbed at times. Sometimes you feel like you will never be truly first in their lives because they seem incapable of giving enough of themselves to anyone else. My girlfriend has been/is on all sorts of meds. She sees a phyciatrist and a pychologist. My girlfriend has not worked or gone to school for 2 years. She doesn't have a drivers license because she is too anxious about driving. I pay for everything. I do all the work. I hold the relationship together. I am the only reason we have a sex life (her libido is so crushed from the Zoloft that she can never find it within herself to make the first move). I will give her credit for indulging me sexually sometimes, because I'm sure that is what she does. Thankfully she is a nice enough person to let me believe she is not simply indulging me. I constantly give her pep talks. I try and get her on a regular sleep schedule, get her eating right (she will either starve herself or binge), doing yoga or meditation, whatever ... Sending her links on ways to improve her life. She just doesn't seem that interested. It just seems like she isn't trying, yet she also tells me I am the love of her life. There is no doubt I am friggin crazy for this girl, but it's just a lot sometimes. I feel like she is constantly counting on me, that I am always picking her up and dusting her off and cheering for her, but I don't have anyone I can rely on. Then, you come home on a Friday, completely worn out, and the empty bag of Dorritos is still on the coffee table from the night before, and nobody fed the cats that morning (because you were in a rush and you just figured someone would notice and feed them for you). And I must say ... it sort of pissed you off when you are vacumming and cleaning the toilet and doing the dishes the next day and your girlfriend is just sitting on the couch watching the tube or listening to her iPod ... and that's all she has been doing for a solid week. Alright. Rant over. Depression is certainly a bitch.
justagirliegirl Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 wow your situation really stinks. You seem like you have fallen more into a parent role for her. Does she actually live with you or live somewhere else? If she isn't working or anything how does she live? How long have you two been together?
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Google depression fallout. There is some info that will help you cope with her depression... I am sorry I came off harsh, now that I know more about your situation, I feel for what you're going through. I guess I can sort of relate to her as well, because I suffer from anxiety. I am seeking therapy for it and thriving, working my ass off to make sure it doesn't control me anymore, and I am very lucky to have a loving and supportive husband who helps me as well. She at some point HAS to make herself DO things, otherwise your relationship will suffer even more. This IS hard on you, no doubt about it, but if she isn't willing to fix herself, even with the help of meds and therapy, there isn't a whole lot you can do except keep on doing what you're doing, not giving up on her. You must really love her and think she's worth it .. that's a good thing on your behalf, but I'm sure this isn't easy at times. Can you talk to her parents/siblings about being more active in her life? Seems like she needs alot of outside support to get her moving. Another thing, it isn't anything you've done wrong, this depression is all about her, and that is why she is so caught up inside her head. Her reality is different than yours, her way of thinking and handling things isn't normal, though for her, it IS normal. Does that make sense? Hang in there, take it day by day and definately google that site!
Author electric_sheep Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Thanks for the encouragement whichwayisup. I don't think there is any doubt I am suffering from depression fallout (and probably simple exhaustion). I'm reading about it right now. Things were so perfect between us for the longest time, then she had to switch her meds around and all hell broke loose. It's like she was another person entirely. She told me hurtful sh*t which didn't help out our relationship at all, and now she is like 1/2 dead inside. She blames all this on the meds/lack of meds, and I must say I agree with her ... it still doesn't make things any better. Then the doubts and the hopelessness kick in. I just look over her track record and really start to wonder about the future. Her future. My future. Our future. By her own admission, her mental heath is what has ruined every relationship she has been in. Then I resent her because her behavior is changing the way I feel about us, and I act like an ass at times because I have difficulty focusing on the REAL problem and I get distracted by the details. It's probably hard for some people to understand why I stay with her, but she is very cool, smart, sassy, and fun a lot of times. She is truly a lovable person. This mental illness just makes me want to scream though.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 It's sad and it seems her mental health, the depression is there to stay. Most people who have depression never get rid of it forever, so if you decide to be with her, and get married at some point, you have to accept your life is going to be very up and down. As much as you love her, you also have to think about you. I know that sounds awful, noone wants to bail on their partner, but her mental illness is serious. Without her depression, I'm sure life would be so much easier...But, that isn't going to go away. I'm glad you are checking out Depression fallout. It will help you!
noclobber Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Your best bet would be to marry a girl from India They make the best wives - take care of husband, cook, clean, wash and iron clothes..... all that you are looking for and more. But be warned, there will not be any passion or romance in the marriage. If you say let's get into the shower they won't even hesitate to slap you or call you names . If you want to have sex any time other than night you will be called an "animal" . And most importantly if you think they married you b'cos of your personality and character you are dead wrong, it's b'cos they can get the Green Card by marrying you
Lishy Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Oh Clobsy that was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!! I am laughing like crazy here!
noclobber Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Oh Clobsy that was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!! I am laughing like crazy here! hey baby how are you?
Recommended Posts