i want to die

[Guest]

my boyfriend jsut broke up with me about 4 days ago. we love deach other very much. he was my first real boyfriend and serious realtionship. we had an immediate connection when we met and fell in love right away. we had a lot of things working against us, but worked through them..or tried..we argued alot, but we loved each other more. we broke up twice..once for a day and once for a week last year..and i thought the second time was for good but we got back together. well we were together a year and 8 months, when we got into a heated fight over somethign stupid and he brokeup with me. we said horribel things and he make me get out of his car in a parking lot or he'd call the police he said. so thats how we ended things. its weird cus we had been getting along and then out of the blue this happened. we had been ahving some problems though, becasue i had been depressed and having doubts . and now that we are broken up i dont have those doubts anymore, and i jsut wanna be with him. two days after we broke up i contacted him on the internet...cus his profile said that as i was getting out of his car he wanted to say stop what are we arguing about..but then i told him i did not love him.. i told him that becasue he broke my heart for the thrid time and umped me off on the side of the road like trash..so i said what i knew would hurt him. so i messaged him to let him knkow thats why i said what isaid. i also said that i knew we could not be together and that i did not hate him and stuff. he agreed and said that we should not talk again.

 

Then he said goobye, i will never forget u. so i guess they wre our last goodbyes. i am heartbroken. and each day just gets worse. i know that even if he wanted to get back with me he probably wouldnt becasue he would be too scared of my parents, since he knows they are mad at him for dropping me off in a parking lot. he wouldnt come around my house fro two montsh after he broke up with me that second time cus he was scared of my parents, we had to go to his house. anyways. i miss him..we always talked marriage..and i always thought he'd be in my life for sure. so i want to go funning back to him and beg him to take me back..but he broke up with me...and i so i know i have to move on..cus if he really wanted me he'd come to me..but he is too prideful and scared of my parents to do that..plus he may not love me anymroe anyways.

 

All i know is i have been trying to get out and do thigns..but for nearly two years, he was my life...we spent nearly everyday together and so i lost friends in doing so. i have never experienced pain this deep. i cant eat..i just wanna lay in bed all day cus i am mentally exhausted..my chest feels tights...i am just extremely depressed..i dont wanna kill myself, but i wanna die accidentaly, but i know thats not in gods plans. i am not a very stong person..and this is unberable. i want to contact him..but he would probably not answer and even if he did he would say move on ! i'm devastated.help

[destination_unknown]

Sweetheart, i know you may feel you are in so much pain right now that you want to die, but your pain is really only temporary, and it will get better, it will take awhile but it will get easier.

 

If you are feeling this bad, could you talk to your parents about it? Or a friend or your doctor? You shouldnt have to go through this alone. When you can cry on someone you trust shoulder it can help ease your hurting.

 

If you want to contact your ex then do, sometimes people say and do terrible things in the heat of the moment of an arguement and then regret it. But even if you got back together with him, dont you think it might be better for you if you knew that you could be happy on your own? Most of the time it really isnt good for people if they get all of their happiness from their partner. Could you try to reconnect to your old friends? Or try to make some new ones by taking up a hobby or sport.

 

You need to find the strength and happiness that come from inside you, and believe me they are there. When you find them, they are so much more liberating and much, much better than happiness that depends on somebody else. You deserve to feel that happiness and strength and if you concentrate really hard on YOURSELF then you shall.

 

You are so much stronger than you think, the emotions you are feeling at the moment are just very overwhelming for you. The symptoms you have described are depression, and i really would recommend that you please, please talk to somebody who can help you. Do not be afraid to talk to your family if they are around, or your doctor.

 

You said you have been trying to get out and do things, that is really good. Exercising has been shown to really help alot of people who are suffering from these feelings of depression, it literally shoots all those chemicals that make us feel happy out into your body. So, make sure you include exercise in the activities you are doing.

 

Its only been four days, and i know every minute can seem like an eternity when you are hurting but in a very short time you will begin to feel better. Think as positively as you can, and say hey, we may get back together or we may not, but i am going to do my best to do all the things i keep meaning to do with my life in the meantime, e.g. I am going to learn that skill that i have always been interested in but never got around to trying out.

 

You will be in my thoughts and i am hoping that you will start to feel better real soon, but remember if you start to feel overwhelmed do not be alone, talk to somebody about how you are feeling.

[the_alchemyst]

You know, when I started to read your posts, I thought: "Whoa, did I write this?"

 

This sounds so much like me a few months ago, you wouldn't believe it.

 

I have been with my bf for 2 years. In these 2 years we have broken up three times. The first was for a week, the second for two weeks, and the third for nearly three months. The last break up was absolutely horrible. We had a massive fight and pushed each other around and kicked each other; it was absolutely terrible. After fighting for the entire evening, he went and dumped me on a parking lot (like you). This was worsened by the fact that it was raining.

 

I didn't hear from him in nearly 3 months, but I did hear a lot about him. I heard he was drinking (which he used to not do) and partying constantly. As you can imagine, this only made it worse.

 

I felt just like you did. I couldn't eat--I just wasn't hungry and I ended up losing a lot of weight. Then, whenever I did manage to eat something, I would feel like throwing it all back up. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to go out anywhere with anyone. I couldn't find the motivation to go to school, so I ended up dropping the entire semester. I picked up smoking and smoked like there was no tomorrow--this was the only way I ever got any sleep. I then started smoking cigars and even weed. About 2 months into not hearing from him, I felt like I would never hear from him again. My heart was just broken. I felt like a big fat nothing. I had never felt so bad. So what I ended up doing was going out with some friends and got painfully drunk. I wated to drown the sorrow.

 

As time passed, I wasn't getting any better. My parents didn't know about him at all even though we had been together almost 2 years mainly because I was too scared to bring him home. Thus, my parents had no idea why I was so drastically depressed, and this caused many fights.

 

My life was miserable during those months.

 

Nothing--absolutely nothing could cheer me up. On a few nights, I just got out of bed at around 3-4 AM and started walking without direction. Once I found myself near his house, so I walked closer and I saw his car parked on the drive-way. I remember placing my hand on it and looking towards his window: I felt like something had pierced through me. I ran back home crying inexorably.

 

The days passed by but I wasn't getting any better.

 

Finally, late in December I thought this: So, if he doesn't come back or at least shows some sign of life, I'm just going to waste away? I feel like I can't live without him, but I can--I'm still here, afterall.

 

And you know what? You can live without him, too. The only person you can't live without is yourself.

 

Time doesn't make anything any better, imo. Time is neutral. Only you can make things better or make them worse. I felt SO horrible those months, that I can completely understand you. I wouldn't want to go through it again, which is why I was doubtful about taking him back. Because I've been through this and know how much it hurts, I honestly don't wish it on anyone.

 

Unless he comes back within the next few days, let me be honest: It is going to hurt, and it is going to hurt A LOT. The pain you are feeling now is going to worse, most likely. Yet, at the same time, it will get better. As time passes, you'll get more used to the idea of not having him around (and believe me, when you've been with someone for that long, when you spend nearly every day with them, and when you lose friends because all you do is be with them and have no time for another--it's just a huge unbearable pain).

 

You are probably going to want to do nothing and are going to continue feeling this way, but it can fade--but that is only if you want it to.

 

I suggest that you grab yourself a good friend and tell him/her everything. Just let it all out. I would also advice you to, instead of jumping into going out and doing all of these things, you stay alone with yourself for a while and give your heart some time to heal. Let the impressions fade a bit before exposing yourself to the big scene. If you don't, you might end up doing stupid things like I did, and that would be a shame.

 

You don't want to die. Come on, now. If you did, then there would be no way of reuniting, now would there? Hang in there. If you started the fight, then you might want to call him to simply apologize, and chart his reaction.

 

Leave him alone for a while. My bf is the most stubborn and prideful guy in this world. Really. Yet, even he who said didn't love me anymore and that he didn't need me came back. There is still hope; hope is the last thing you should lose.

 

Sure, right now me and my bf aren't speaking . . . but that's a different story. The point is that there is a chance he may return. You just need to give him time. You won't die from being lovesick, trust me.

 

Also, if he really loves you, then well--he'll be back. I know it's harder because of your parents, but that's something both of you are going to have to deal with afterwards. Right now the focus is you two; any other person is secondary.

 

Just hang in there. If you need to, you can always PM me; I'm always willing to offer a sensitive ear.