My theory on women that expect men to solve their problems.

[dodging_the_bullet]

My theory is this:

 

All women go through problems sometimes, and some women, during these times, take the over-romantic approach to solving their problems. They hope some guy out there will come along and pick them up out of their misery and sweep them off their feet.

 

The ironic thing is, men are completely repulsed by this. Very rarely you'll meet a guy who completely doesn't care, but if you're not in a strong relationship already chances are they'd find themselves out of their depth trying to help you with your problems. Chances are they have problems of their own, their own paths to follow, even if they do care about you strongly.

 

I'm yet to find a man who is capable of sitting down, hearing the whole story, and just get up, go out there and fix the problem. They are capable of listening and giving advice (which is great if they do!) They cannot solve the problem for you. You have to help yourself.

 

Men are complication free seeking creatures. When sifting through the crowd they do not hunt out the dour chick sitting in the corner looking like she'll drink an entire bottle of scotch in an hour to drown herself in her sorrows. They go for the one dancing in the middle of the room with the bouncing hair and the smiling face, looking relatively content and happy go lucky with their life.

 

What they definitely don't want is someone who looks like their last girlfriend did at the bitter end of their last failed relationship. They want a fresh start.

 

The secret is learning to deal with your personal problems in a healthy way. BE an independent female. DON'T hope you'll get a boyfriend and that that will fix all that's wrong with your life. Talk your problems over with friends, see a shrink, DO all those little things you've always wanted to do and never have. Learn how to play the guitar, manage your money, bridge the gaps that are making you feel so sad. Lonely? Get out and meet people! Do your part to make yourself happy.

 

Once you start doing these things, you BECOME that girl in the middle of the dancefloor. You will BECOME emotionally ready for the guy checking you out to become a relationship. You WILL be happy already, and BECOME even more happier.

 

Anything else just ends in a neurotic mess.

 

Don't ever think because you're lonely or your job sucks or you have family issues that a guy coming along and sweeping off your feet will make everything better. Making things better for yourself, and everything will click after that.

 

That's something I've learnt. I feel sheepish for being so gooey, but i had to say it.

[blind_otter]

It's funny that men think that when women are complaining or having issues, that we want them to "fix" anything. Mostly I don't. I do that myself. I've gotten into many a power struggle with men who were trying to fix me when I didn't even ask to be fixed.

[elijahBailey]

uhm, yeah, that's what I thought too. I thought women don't ever want the guy to solve their problems. They just need to rant and have a guy understand and empathize with them. That's the reason why I don't ever bother to tell them what I think they should do. And, when I'm in a listening mood, I'll just sit down and nod my head and smile while they pour their grief out

 

and, uhm, OP.... why would anybody feel attracted to a dour girl sittin' in a corner drowning her sorrows. People are attracted to laughter and joy and fun.

[quankanne]

The secret is learning to deal with your personal problems in a healthy way. BE an independent female. DON'T hope you'll get a boyfriend and that that will fix all that's wrong with your life. Talk your problems over with friends, see a shrink, DO all those little things you've always wanted to do and never have. Learn how to play the guitar, manage your money, bridge the gaps that are making you feel so sad. Lonely? Get out and meet people! Do your part to make yourself happy.

 

BINGO! Very well put, my dear.

 

as I read this, one of my former schoolmates comes to mind. She's talented, she's smart, funny and easy on the eyes ... but for some inexplicable reason, she feels she must be defined by a relationship with the perfect man. Meaning, she's never happy with what she has, she's somehow always just missing the ship that's come in, etc. She married her high school sweetheart, put together a killer wedding and reception, had three kids, etc. And made herself miserable because that wasn't the answer she was looking for ~ nope, salvation came in the form of conversations with the mother of a boy two years ahead of us in school, and X hung onto every word Mama said to her about Y, about how X "was the one that got away." Not surprisingly, X ended up divorced a couple of years ago and immediately started a relationship with Y, because that's where she believed her happiness lay.

 

the next thing I hear from my dad is that Z (a metal building contractor who Dad hired to place a carport on his house) mentioned that X invited him out to Octoberfest. Apparently Y couldn't solve her problems, so she decided to delve further in her past when she started hitting on Z for dates. Last I heard, she's hanging out at dances (I imagine these are the very same country dances we used to go to while in high school), looking for The One. In the meantime, I don't imagine she's done anything but complaining about how she's miserable and still looking for someone to provide the answers.

 

it saddens me because I know her potential, but it also pisses me off that she refuses to look beyond this perceived "need" for a man to become more fully the person she is. Like I said, she's smart, attractive, talented and funny ... but has an unrealistic perception of a man's role in a relationship with her.

 

granted, wallowing in self-pity can be beneficial, but only up to a point, because one hopes that there is some sort of revelation to spur someone into action, to make his/her life better on his/her own!

[quankanne]

why would anybody feel attracted to a dour girl sittin' in a corner drowning her sorrows. People are attracted to laughter and joy and fun.

 

easy lay, perhaps?

[blind_otter]

it saddens me because I know her potential, but it also pisses me off that she refuses to look beyond this perceived "need" for a man to become more fully the person she is. Like I said, she's smart, attractive, talented and funny ... but has an unrealistic perception of a man's role in a relationship with her.

 

granted, wallowing in self-pity can be beneficial, but only up to a point, because one hopes that there is some sort of revelation to spur someone into action, to make his/her life better on his/her own!

 

This thing is, QUANK, women like this will probably be like this for their whole lives, unless they do serious work. Because the precedent for relational depedence is set in infancy and early childhood. Children will seek out their father during this period in order to help them to break from their mother. If Dad isn't there, then they will forever repeat this pantomime, seeking solace for an emptiness that they couldn't comprehend at the time it initially occurred. It takes a lot of self-awareness to take the steps to "make his/her life better on his/her own"....unforutunately I think our society rarely fosters this type of independent thought.

[Sassy]

Woman can't fix themselves by being with a man that is a crock. The individual has to love them selves and if they don't how can they make a relationship work ? Man or women noone can make us happy or complete us till we love ourselves.

[a4a]

"make his/her life better on his/her own"....unforutunately I think our society rarely fosters this type of independent thought.

 

Yeah then get the label :feminazi

 

Quite frankly I grew tired of solving mens problems.... still am.

Financial, business, and how to plan things.

 

oooops, almost stepped out of my role of submissive female and into feminazi.

[alphamale]

i never fix any problems for any women i've been with romantically....I may hear them out but I don't take any action. everyone has to take care of their own problems. in addition, if I try to fix her problems then I get associated with her problems....and that's bad when it comes to romance and sex.

[blind_otter]

i never fix any problems for any women i've been with romantically....I may hear them out but I don't take any action. everyone has to take care of their own problems. in addition, if I try to fix her problems then I get associated with her problems....and that's bad when it comes to romance and sex.

 

That's very sensible and pragmatic. No "white knight" syndrome for you, ALPHA.

 

Kudos! (I just wanted to use that word once today. TY.)

[alphamale]

That's very sensible and pragmatic. No "white knight" syndrome for you, ALPHA.

thank you

[Yamaha]

I'm yet to find a man who is capable of sitting down, hearing the whole story, and just get up, go out there and fix the problem.

 

Usually a women wants you to listen, not solve her problems. This has been my experience anyway. It is the difference between the sexes.

[quankanne]

Children will seek out their father during this period in order to help them to break from their mother. If Dad isn't there, then they will forever repeat this pantomime, seeking solace for an emptiness that they couldn't comprehend at the time it initially occurred. It takes a lot of self-awareness to take the steps to "make his/her life better on his/her own" .... unforutunately I think our society rarely fosters this type of independent thought.

 

interesting view point – I do know that this girl is very close to her dad, who is the kinder, gentler of the parents. However, her mom was an independent thinker, a doer who didn't rely on others to make things happen in her life, so X had that positive female role model and it just surprises me that she is like this!

 

I imagine that self-awareness is quickly superceded by belief of entitlement. Why should one strive to better a situation herself if she feels she is "owed" or that someone can handle it for her? However, as you point out, society doesn't value women who are independent thinkers, because that independent thought goes completely against the sweet, submissive "little woman" ideal it paints of women.

 

which sucks, because nobody really benefits in the end.

[whichwayisup]

Usually a women wants you to listen, not solve her problems. This has been my experience anyway. It is the difference between the sexes.

 

Exactly. My husband will sit and listen to me, he's learned finally that I don't want him to "fix" whatever it is that is bugging me. I'm venting, that is all. I just need a sounding board, someone to listen and not judge or try to make it all better and make it disappear. If I want help, I'll ask for it.

[alphamale]

Usually a women wants you to listen, not solve her problems. This has been my experience anyway. It is the difference between the sexes.

well YAMMIE....if the "problem" is a plugged-up toilet, they may want you to fix that

[whichwayisup]

well YAMMIE....if the "problem" is a plugged-up toilet, they may want you to fix that

 

Hey, I plunge my own clogs!

 

Though, he DOES fix the sink when it gets clogged...The pipes under the sink have to be taken apart. So yeah, that's a blue job. (I have enough PINK jobs to keep me busy anyway! )

[alphamale]

Exactly. My husband will sit and listen to me, he's learned finally that I don't want him to "fix" whatever it is that is bugging me. I'm venting, that is all.

Yes, it takes time for most men to learn this....our brains are geared towards fixing things and producing some results. This is how we are. If there is a "problem" we must make amends. Women brains are geared more towards just spewing our verbal & emotional garbage that makes little congruent sense...

[blind_otter]

Children will seek out their father during this period in order to help them to break from their mother. If Dad isn't there, then they will forever repeat this pantomime, seeking solace for an emptiness that they couldn't comprehend at the time it initially occurred. It takes a lot of self-awareness to take the steps to "make his/her life better on his/her own" .... unforutunately I think our society rarely fosters this type of independent thought.

 

interesting view point – I do know that this girl is very close to her dad, who is the kinder, gentler of the parents. However, her mom was an independent thinker, a doer who didn't rely on others to make things happen in her life, so X had that positive female role model and it just surprises me that she is like this!

 

I imagine that self-awareness is quickly superceded by belief of entitlement. Why should one strive to better a situation herself if she feels she is "owed" or that someone can handle it for her? However, as you point out, society doesn't value women who are independent thinkers, because that independent thought goes completely against the sweet, submissive "little woman" ideal it paints of women.

 

which sucks, because nobody really benefits in the end.

 

Who knows, there are many fathers who are totally uninvolved in the infant's life, and come into the picture only after early childhood (especially fathers in the 60s and 70s, who were socially less encouraged to be involved in infant care).

 

The proverbial scylla and charibdis.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, it takes time for most men to learn this....our brains are geared towards fixing things and producing some results. This is how we are. If there is a "problem" we must make amends. Women brains are geared more towards just spewing our verbal & emotional garbage that makes little congruent sense...

 

I see what you're saying, and what's kinda funny, lastnight I was telling my husband something, he felt I was taking too long to get to the point and showed his irritation and actually TOLD me to cut to the chase. I am secure enough, so it didn't bother me. It was funny and I sped it up to make my point. Though, I did point out to him, that he rambles on about things I really am not interested in, yet I sit and listen to him anyway.