The temptation to break No Contact

[pistol]

The temptation to break No Contact.

I posted a question here about three weeks ago and I got some really great advice back, and I thought also some people might be going through the same thing.

 

it was with regards to my ex-girlfriend, we had been out of contact for about two months after trying to be friends, I thought I was never going to hear from her again, and to be honest I was slowly getting use to that fact, then low and behold I heard from her again. Only now I only seem to be more confused, I was really hoping that someone or someone's might be kind enough to give me some independent advice as I feel thats really what I need, I only hope I explain this right.

 

To give an explanation. My ex-girlfriend and I are 23 and 25 respectively, we had been dating for three and a half years, in which we had been travelling together for a year, we have been through many emotional rollercoasters together, some good some bad. My ex, as some might remember from my last thread has what you might call baggage, she suffers from manic depression, bulimia and anorexia. which has plagued her for almost half of her life. When we broke up it wasn't because either of us cheated or anything like that, it had just gotten bad.

 

I felt I had never really gotten closure from the relationship and I always found that really hard to bear. Well a day before my birthday, she started texting me all of a sudden, wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how lost she has been without me, and that she doesn't know who she is without me, and that she loves me. After a long think, and probably weakness I texted back. We talked and eventually met a few times, I kept it very cool and uncomplicated I waited for her to initialize things and tried to show her that I had changed and was getting on with my life, we went for drink, cinema, drives and it was amazing. Although it kind of felt like we were glossing over things and weren't talking about the nitty gritty and I really felt myself going backwards again from within, the way she ended it last time really hurt, and I really wanted to avoid going through that pain again. I decided I would rather take pain now than much furher down the line.

 

So I sat her down and asked her what she meant by those messages, she said that she really missed me and wanted to hear from me, I asked her does she want friendship or more. Her response was that she is so messed up at the moment that she needs to sort herself out first, try and make herself happy again before she can even think about going into a relationship with anyone, she just couldn't handle a relationship in her current state of mind, which i do kind of agree with. I had to be honest with her and tell her that I don't think at the moment I could just be her friend without having motives towards a relationship, I was scared that I wouldn't be any good as a friend to her, and that it would lead to me being all messed up in the head again. Which I was. We cried, hugged, and told each other how much we loved one another, and that was it I walked away.

 

Next day, I couldn't go to work everytime I spoke to someone I just burst into tears, I text her and told her how I was feeling and she said she was exactly the same, and that she loved me so much and was so confused, before going to bed I received this message from her

 

" i HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S SO HARD. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALOT THAT WENT WRONG IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE WAY I AM. I WANT DESPERATELY TO SORT MYSELF OUT. SO I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT HURTS! I NEED TIME - EVERYTHING IS STILL SO SAW AND PAINFUL. WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL BE. BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE EVER WANTING TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. X X"

 

I chose not to reply to this text message, going by people's advice, its has now been five weeks and I haven't contacted her in anyway. Like wise I haven't heard from her, and I think it unlikely that I would do considering it was me that requested NC. Although I find her text message very confusing!!

 

I still really miss her, more so in the last week, and am tempted to break NC and try to get into contact, I'm just trying to work it out in my own mind, am I just getting into contact because I'm feeling abit lonely. I still would like to get back together should this stop me from trying to get back in contact, until I no longer feel like this. From people's past experiences could I just be re-opening old wounds? Should I try to be strong and be her friend?

 

It's mother's day in a couple of weeks, she has a small girl from a past relationship, I was thinking about sending a card, nothing mushy, very simple, is this a bad idea.

 

So confused... Please help and advise.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

From that message it seems to me that she just feels bad and maybe embarrassed about her issues and wants to present you with a better her.

 

I doubt that is going to be possible though if she is missing you so much. That is no help for her problems, so she must be having it tough.

 

Should I try to be strong and be her friend?

 

What do you want to do? That's what counts.

 

Ariadne

[tikigods]

I think she is a confused person that does have a lot of issues. It sounds to me that she feels that you need to fix her, or that its up to you to help her get fixed, but until she can find the help she needs for her problems on her own, you are only giong to go into the same situation. Its not up to the partner to fix the person, its up to them to get it done.

 

She has a child she needs to be worried about right now, and THAT should be her number 1 priority, and the person she should be tring to changefor, not you. and I would suggest though to keep no contact.

[UT_longhorn]

Pistol,

 

It must be a tough place that you're in man. I'm sure that the text that she sent you really threw you for a loop. I bet it got you thinking that she might want to reconcile in the future. That there is a second chance. She sure makes it sound convincing. But I have to say I see it another way….

 

It sounds like after 2 months she felt that maybe you were moving on. You were loosing attachment torwards her. Or she may have had a weak moment of emotional need. She messaged you..reeeled you in. You gave her love. You gave her support. She knew you were still there for her and on her string. So now she can move forward in her life knowing youre still pining for her.

 

Im sure you're thinking "theres no way that the person that I loved would do that to me." But guess what, it happens all the time. I doubt that she did it intentionally to hurt you, more of a subcounsious drive to help her move forward.

 

I would say if you've still been going strong with NC, then keep moving forward. Do not contact her until you are 100% healed, or unless she has made an incredible effort to win you back.

[pistol]

Thankyou for your advice. Adriadne, in answer to your question I would really like to get back in contact, just to say hi and how are you doing,and be friends after all we have shared so much The thing is I'm really scared of going through all those old emotions, the hurt and pain and confusion, do you know what I mean? I also don't know how I would handle it if I found out she had a new boyfriend. I really respect those people that can immediately be friends after a relationship, I wish I could I just don't know if I can, everyone tells methat I should remain with no contact and that if anything is going to happen I should wait for her to come to me. But I've changed alot for the better I feel and I feel like I want her to see this, its so confusing, all of a sudden your girlfriend and best friend are gone, perhaps forever....

[pistol]

UT Longhorn, I've read alot of your posts you seem to be having it really tough as well. But yes her last text message did really throw me, it's a nice message but it has messed with my head. Since we've broken up I've met girls but none of them seem to compare. I don't know about anyone else but all the emotion that I've gone through in the last six months has definately put me off relationships.

[trone]

Pistol,

 

I have to agree her with UT. If you do not want to have more pain in the future, keep NC and move on. believe me I have been there, someone with issues may hurt you way more than you can ever imagine.

[pistol]

Trone what happened? What problems? If you don't mind me asking.

[trone]

Pistol,

 

My story is also a long one and I would suggest you to read my previous posts. But long story short, my ex gf, had also issues, we had lots of stupid arguments and each time we were breaking up. Then she would call me after couple days to tell me exactly almost word by word what your ex has been telling you. Although It screwed my life for a long time, each time she called back, I said ok and we got back. I did not listen the people who asked me to not to get back to her. She had many issues that I could not really help with because she did not want to get help.

 

Last time when her issues reached to a point that I could not keep up, she decided to break up and since than she cut all kinds of communication with me and it hurts a lot. If she sees me at work, I feel like I am the worst guy on the planet. Believe me you do not want to feel what I have been feeling.

 

Thanks to God, I am feeling way better since last week

[Ariadne]

I would really like to get back in contact, just to say hi and how are you doing,and be friends after all we have shared so much The thing is I'm really scared

 

Yeah, that a problem.

 

Ariadne