KittenMoon Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Every time I feel a little better, I tank again and it feels so bad I want the whole world to end just so I don't have to feel this. Yesterday I thought it was getting a little better, today I wanna break down again. It's been about a month. I've seen him once as he drove by since two and a half weeks ago when I picked up my stuff. I miss him so much. I love him more than anything in the world. And yet I hate him more than anything right now. We had fights in the past several months, he said he wanted to work things out with me. I made so many changes and he did NOTHING. He started treating me like nothing but a burden in his life and took out all the problems in his life and from his job on me. He got distant. He took a week to think things over, but at the end wouldn't even end it. He made me do it. He backed me into a corner. All I think about now is him hanging out with this female friend, who didn't do anything specific to break us up, but her prescence was poison. Even after I tried so hard to bring her in and accept her into our group of friends because he liked her and he said we would be good friends. They both swore to me that "they" had nothing to do with this and that their friendship would remain platonic. He promised and he has NEVER given me a reason to doubt his honesty before over the past 6 years, but I wonder if it's just a matter of time? Does a promise ever mean anything from anyone? He said some really insensitive things to me at the end- I know he didn't mean them to hurt as much as they did but he has a complete lack of empathy for others, he just doesn't get how badly he can hurt someone. We left the door open for the future, because it has come up several times that we'd have to experience life alone if we ever really wanted to know if it was meant to be, but I've been feeling like this may be broken beyond fixing at this point. And it's stupid because it was broken by so little. His reasons for breaking up were excuses more than anything. His career hit a brick wall at the same time this was happening with us, and he's very focused on this, so I still don't know if the break-up was really about us or if it was a by-product of all the stress and sudden lack of direction in his life. I feel like he took a problem he knew he could fix and fixed it in the easiest way possible, y'know? He's seemed so confused, he's definetly having a mid-20s crisis, but so unwilling to emote to me. I just don't get it. He's wanted to marry me, said I'm his soul mate, said I'm his "match". Why did everything tank so quickly at the end? I tried so hard, I thought things might be getting better, but then a complete breakdown. I want to fix things, but I am so afraid it's broken forever. Would he break his promise to mess around with his friend, even though he knows I'd never even be his friend again if he did? Can anything fix a break once its happened, even if this friend is nothing but a friend and remains so? All these questions are killing me. I just keep feeling betrayed, like I can never forgive, but I want to be open minded and the idea that it's over FOREVER feels so wrong. I'm sorry to rant this much (again), this morning has been vicious. I cry all the time. I don't know if he's even feeling anything. I don't know why I just wasn't worth trying for after all this time, after everything he has said and done. I don't know if he is confused and displacing his feelings or if he really wants it over with us forever. It's like the person who was so in love with me just shut me off all of a sudden and I don't really know why. He told me somethings that were bothering him, but then refused to repeat them at all. I got the "it's everything". Can a guy translate this?! I'm so miserable. I know I should accept it's over for good, but I don't want to. I just don't want to. I'm sorry again. This just gets so hard at moments.
Guest Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Ive told many friends this… Don't read too much into what people say, but analyze their actions. I think everyone in general gets hung up on what people say, but I think you should really look at what people do and not what they say. Forget everything your ex has said to you about second chances, and a future together. What is he doing right now? Most likely trying to distance himself. Don't fall for the words that keep you on the hook and will leave you dissappointed and hurt. You should put yourself in the mindset that its over for good. You're still on the first month of the break…probably the toughest part. Let yourself heal for a couple more with no contact. Then you will be a bit more objective about things. Right now, all you want is reconciliation, at all costs. I was once in your shoes. I wanted her back .. no matter what. After you purge some of the painful emotions from your body, you'll be able to think clearer about the situation. I'm very sorry that you're going through such a hard time. Believe me, I was there just a couple months ago. It will get better…but much faster with no contact. No pictures, no emails, no myspace, no phone, no texts, no nothing that reminds you of him. The two greatest things that will mend a broken heart are NC and time. Just know that even though youre hurting…your heart is working overtime to mend itself. Give it a little more time, and don't have any contact. Breaking NC is like walking on a broken leg bone. Let it heal.
hurtbeyondwords Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 You are doing everything right. I know there seems to be no answers that can can make you feel better right now. He is definatly going through some issues right now, take comfort in knowing that you are not at the butt end of his issues while in NC. Let him figure out what he needs and worry about yourself right now. Are you completely happy with how you are right now? If not then do something for yourself. I know how hopeless and empty you can feel without him. I feel the same without my ex right now. You have to accept that there is nothing YOU can do for him right now, this is something he needs to deal with on his own. Take a deep breath and know that things will get better. I find that when I freak out I need to stop and remember to take a deep breath, and trust that things will work out for the best.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 I've been trying to take him out of the equation. I tell myself love is a drug, and I am in withdrawal. I've had one or two major cathasises (sp?). I figure I'll need a few more in addition to the ups and downs to really shake this off. They're just so scary.
hurtbeyondwords Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 telll me about it. it always seems to happen at the worst times, maybe it's for a reason. I wish I knew what that reason is.
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