gw1470 Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I went out with a guy for over a year, the first 6 months were blissful i was so happy, but then i got to know a side of him i wished i didn't, he used to scream at me whenever he got agitated about work, which then led on to him physically shoving me when we were in bed, sometimes so i'd go flying out of the bed.. And then about 3 months after all this he was jet lagged and i was moaning at him to do something, and he came over to me and hit me acrosse the arm. it wasn't a gentle slap.. it left his hand mark on me for an hour it was so hard. I don't know why i stayed in the relationship i was sucked into believing he would change. Unfortunately it didn't stop there, although he never hit me again he would throw me against the wall and go for my neck in a threatening gesture. Although i wish i could say i left him, but i didnt he left me and not for those reasons but because he said he just didn't love me anymore and now he is seeing someone else a month on. I've told a few close friends of what i went through and now he is spreading things behind my back saying i'm crazy and i'm a bitch. I'm not saying i'm a victim of domestic violence but i know i didn't deserve being hit or threatened by anyone. But should i tell his new girlfriend what he is like? seeing as i sort of know her?
kitten chick Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 No, don't tell her. It's not your place and she probably won't believe you either. I went through the same feelings, should I tell the new girlfriend what happens when she gets too close. I didn't. It's for the best. They're still going strong more than a year later. Perhaps she's so cold that she'll never get close enough to him to endure his wrath. Perhaps she doesn't mind the yelling and degredation. Who knows. Let her decide what's best for her and just be happy that you're out of that abusive situation. Absolutely cut both of them out of your life completely.
Guest Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I have to disagree. I lived with a violent guy. His sister didn't tell me anything. After I used my 'safety plan' to escape one night, I asked her why she never told me he had a history of violence. She said 'we hoped so much that you would be able to change him'. I was lucky to not get badly hurt but you can't be sure he won't hurt the next person worse. It's not a phase and nobody should live with 'yelling and degradation'. Violence always escalates. Do your fellow female a favour and at least warn her. If something happens to her and you never warned her, you will feel very guilty.
Mary3 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Thank God she has him now and you are rid of this ~! Seriously I absolutely think the girl has a right to know that she is dating an abusive man. Anyone here who thinks everything is * okay * and hes fine and the new girl is going to be fine . Well let me tell you. Um....NO ! She needs to be informed. If not directly from you but indirectly notified. If he were a child molester or a rapist ( not much difference in the 3 , all are disturbed horrific creeeps ) then would you tell your sister that her new bf was a convicted child sex predator ? Would you tell your mom her new boyfriend had 3 rapes in Washington under his belt ? I say YES ! Not because you ( dont want to get involved ). We are not talking shoplifter here. We are talking ABUSE. Any abuse is not tolerated ! And this girl has a right to be tipped off .
Touche Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 I must agree with those who say tell her. At least you'll be able to sleep with a clear conscience knowing that you did the right thing. Think of Terry Hatcher and how that girl her uncle molested committed suicide. Had she come forward before instead of NOW, that girls life might have been spared. To me, this is really not that different. Please, tell her. She can then decide to stay or not. But right now, she doesn't even know he has a violent side. And yes, even if he just pushed and shoved, he's VIOLENT...those things usually escalate into more and more violent behaviours. Would you want it on your consciense if something happened to her? So please, tell her. And don't be surprised if she doesn't believe you. Doesn't matter...you would have still done your duty because at the FIRST hint of his violence, she will have remembered what you said and won't dismiss it as just a one-time thing.
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 I think it depends on how much time has gone by since you dated him.. If it had been a while.. say.. 60 days then I don't think you should tell her.. Who is to say that he hasn't gotten help and straightened out his life.. So you telling him could very well ruin something that you may have to apoligize for later.. If it was recently ( then he is still an abuser ) then telling her would warn her that she is with an abuser.. but she most likley will not listen to you as he will have already won her over with his sweetness and his abuse hasn't shown up yet.. Catch 22.. Telling her really do no good..Except to make yourself feel better at his possibly his expense since she will not listen to you and you will be easily painted as a nutcase. It is vindictive not protective.. I say NO.. but if you feel like getting it off your chest and you need to do this to move on then by all means you should tell her.. I think the real answer is inside your heart to why you want to tell her..
destination_unknown Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Absolutely tell her. If she does not believe you then it is out of your hands. She can then make her own decision as to what to do. I would want to know. At least she can be prepared if he has a first lash out, she will know it is not an isolated incident. Absolutely tell her.
Mary3 Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Poster he used to scream at me whenever he got agitated about work, which then led on to him physically shoving me this behavior is EXTREMELY dangerous !when we were in bed, sometimes so i'd go flying out of the bed.. MY God this man threw you out of bed ! And then about 3 months after all this he was jet lagged and i was moaning at him to do something, and he came over to me and hit me acrosse the arm. it wasn't a gentle slap.. This is ABUSE ! Marks or NOTit left his hand mark on me for an hour it was so hard. I don't know why i stayed in the relationship i was sucked into believing he would change. Unfortunately it didn't stop there, although he never hit me again he would throw me against the wall and go for my neck This man could have murdered you !in a threatening gesture. To all posters here , This is very dangerous ! I cannot stress this enough. This man has learned this sick behavior in his treatment of women. Do not think the new gf is getting away unscathed and thats shes " just fine " Do NOT kid yourselves. It does not take 2 weeks or 2 months to see what has happened. here. For everyones sake please inform the girl. Its not vindictive behavior and you are NOT being a biatch !
Touche Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Poster he used to scream at me whenever he got agitated about work, which then led on to him physically shoving me this behavior is EXTREMELY dangerous !when we were in bed, sometimes so i'd go flying out of the bed.. MY God this man threw you out of bed ! And then about 3 months after all this he was jet lagged and i was moaning at him to do something, and he came over to me and hit me acrosse the arm. it wasn't a gentle slap.. This is ABUSE ! Marks or NOTit left his hand mark on me for an hour it was so hard. I don't know why i stayed in the relationship i was sucked into believing he would change. Unfortunately it didn't stop there, although he never hit me again he would throw me against the wall and go for my neck This man could have murdered you !in a threatening gesture. To all posters here , This is very dangerous ! I cannot stress this enough. This man has learned this sick behavior in his treatment of women. Do not think the new gf is getting away unscathed and thats shes " just fine " Do NOT kid yourselves. It does not take 2 weeks or 2 months to see what has happened. here. For everyones sake please inform the girl. Its not vindictive behavior and you are NOT being a biatch ! Just wanted to say, excellent post Mary. I completely agree. A person who does this does NOT change that behavior in 60 days! NO WAY, NO HOW...I don't care HOW many anger management classes, etc. they've attended. That kind of pattern of behavior is rarely "cured." I hope the OP listents to the MAJORITY of posters here and does the RIGHT thing and tells her. This is a serious matter. I agree with the poster who said that women should protect each other in this way. It's your DUTY to tell that woman.
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 The guy I dated who tried to kill my friend in front of me, he was horribly abusive to me. For some reason, the last girl he cheated on me with, who he dated after we split up and right up until he went to prison, he never hit. She thought I was a kook. Until he went to prison, of course. Then all of a sudden she was like, I never would have believed you until all this happened. Women are mostly like that. we attack each other out of defensiveness or denial or whatever. women are always willing to sacrifice each other for the sake of their own insecurities, much moreso than men I think.
sazzya1987 Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Since your this guys ex his new girlfriend might think you are trying to split them up. I think its best you just let them see how things go with each other. If he does the same to her then that could be a time you could tell her what he did to you but its up to the both of them if they both love each other they will stay with each other, even if he will harm her. But I don't think it is really anythig to do with you so I would stay out of the relationship.
Guest Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 if they both love each other they will stay with each other, even if he will harm her. That's not 'love'. If he does the same to her Guaranteed he will. Abuse isn't about the abused; it's a problem of the abuser. As I said before, people who don't understand these situations tend to minimize them, think that it's 'no big deal' or that abusive people 'can change'. These are serious misconceptions and do not jibe with the experience of all the experts in this field. But I don't think it is really anythig to do with you Ever heard of 'duty to warn'? If you can prevent someone from being hurt by a known danger, you're supposed to say something. The idea that a man can beat a woman and it's nobody else's business belongs to the day when men were considered to 'own' women, not to the 21st century.
kitten chick Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 I've only skimmed all of the replies so my apologies if this is something that has been said already. It seems like everyone is telling you to tell the new girlfriend. Why do you think she will believe you? Would you have believed someone if they told you when you first started dating him? I know I would never have. They're so wonderful until you get too close or comfortable and that's when the abuse starts. I would have thought any woman that told me that my ex would turn into a monster was lying and just jealous or hung up on him.
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 As I said before, people who don't understand these situations tend to minimize them, think that it's 'no big deal' or that abusive people 'can change'. These are serious misconceptions and do not jibe with the experience of all the experts in this field. Who is to say that I don't understand them ???? I have been thru 2.5 years of counseling dealing with an abusive spouse. I do understand abusive behavior.. Abuse is not a male/female thing.. It is becuase I understand abusive behavior I suggested that she NOT tell her.. Here is the abusers wheel so you can see the areas they affect another person http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/wheel.htm Because of the hold that he will have on her telling her serves NO purpose except to make you feel better. Now if your are her friend and have an influence on her than the cards fall differently..
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Guaranteed he will. Abuse isn't about the abused; it's a problem of the abuser. As I said before, people who don't understand these situations tend to minimize them, think that it's 'no big deal' or that abusive people 'can change'. These are serious misconceptions and do not jibe with the experience of all the experts in this field. Ever heard of 'duty to warn'? If you can prevent someone from being hurt by a known danger, you're supposed to say something. The idea that a man can beat a woman and it's nobody else's business belongs to the day when men were considered to 'own' women, not to the 21st century. I feel like the bolded statement isn't true. I mean, the abused doesn't ask for the abuse but in many ways are complicit with the treatment, or the sick relationship dynamic. This is my experience, I can look back at the horrific abuse I dealt with, and see what my responsibility was. I was in the death dance. And I also speak from the experience of dealing with the woman who dated my ex right after me, before he was put in prison for what he did when he and I were in our death dance.
kitten chick Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 B_O, are you talking about being an enabler? If so then I agree with you. I still agree with the statement "Abuse isn't about the abused; it's a problem of the abuser." ABUSE is the problem of the abuser, not the abused. The abused is an enabler and has a set of issues of their own but abuse isn't one of them.
whats wrong with me Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 It really doesn't matter if you tell her or not. She wont believe you. Would you have believed the ex? probley not and this is why................ In the girlfriends mind. 1. the ex wants him back 2. he'd never do that to me...he loves me 3. I can change him.
Mary3 Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 - Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by: Telling them what to do and expecting obedience not obeying causes threats to comply[/b] Using force to maintain power and control over partners Telling someone with verbal or physical gestures that they need to do what you say Feeling their partners have no right to challenge their desire for power and control Your rights are stripped from you slowly and calculating Feeling justified making the victim comply The only justification comes from the abuser Blaming the abuse on the partner and not accepting responsibility for wrongful acts. I am hitting you because you drove me to this The characteristics shown in the wheel are examples of how this power and control are demonstrated and enacted against the victim. Regarding the wheel. Isolation and threats are the highest on the wheel chart, Using children and pets is the lowest on the wheel ISOLATION limiting outside involvement this occurs slowly until one day you aren't seeing your friends anymore because he complains bitterly about it and is nervous and untrusting when you are out in the world. Two fold actually. Isolates you so your family and friends cannot be your support system making another avoid people/friends/family by deliberately embarrassing or humiliating them in front of others expecting another to report every move and activity restricting use of the car this one is pretty restricting moving residences as well as this one EMOTIONAL ABUSE putting another down/name-calling thats to make you feel low and worthless ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments thats to make you feel your acheivements are not meaningful or important withholding approval or affection making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation pretty extreme here , nut jobs in action unreasonable jealousy and suspicion VERY common extremely so.. playing mind games ECONOMIC ABUSE preventing another from getting or keeping a job Does not want you to work because that means you have an outside source of income to escape withholding funds spending family income without consent and/or making the partner struggle to pay bills not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income forcing someone to ask for basic necessities exactly INTIMIDATION driving recklessly to make another feel threatened or endangered destroying property or cherished possessions I can relate strongly to this one making another afraid by using looks/actions/gestures Relate strongly again to this one throwing objects as an expression of anger to make another feel threatened displaying weapons Again common USING CHILDREN or PETS threatening to take the children away There you go... making the partner feel guilty about the children abusing children or pets to punish the partner using the children to relay messages USING PRIVILEDGE treating another like a servant making all the big decisions being the one to define male and female roles acting like the master or queen of the castle So he thought SEXUAL ABUSE sex on demand or sexual withholding The sexual abuse has to be the worst thing possible. Thankfully I did not suffer this part . 10 years almost abuse free physical assaults during sexual intercourse spousal rapes or non-consensual sex sexually degrading language denying reproductive freedom THREATS threats of violence against significant third parties threats to commit physical or sexual harm Yes] threats to commit property destruction Yes] threats to commit suicide or murder YYes Both PHYSICAL ABUSE biting/scratching slapping/punching All of these are horrendous . Mine was more verbal then later wall slamming and choking kicking/stomping throwing objects at another locking another in a closet or utilizing other confinement sleep interference and/or deliberately exhausting the partner with unreasonable demands and lack of rest deprivation of heat or food shoving another down steps or into objects assaults with weapons such as knives/guns/other objects I remember this similar chart in my domestic violence support group class
Mary3 Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Since your this guys ex his new girlfriend might think you are trying to split them up. I think its best you just let them see how things go with each other.I strongly disagree with this advice If he does the same to her Lets pray he does not do anything but I strongly suspect he WILLthen that could be a time you could tell her what he did to you but its up Too late for her to the both of them if they both love each other they will stay with each other, even if he will harm her.She wont stay if she is informed and STRONG and has help But I don't think it is really anythig to do with you so I would stay out of the relationship.Still disagree
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 B_O, are you talking about being an enabler? If so then I agree with you. I still agree with the statement "Abuse isn't about the abused; it's a problem of the abuser." ABUSE is the problem of the abuser, not the abused. The abused is an enabler and has a set of issues of their own but abuse isn't one of them. Yeah. I know that I am partly responsible for the level of violence I tolerated against myself. I wasn't trapped there. I was free to go. The only thing that trapped me was my own mind. I feel responsible for the trauma my friend went through when my ex tried to kill him. In fact, we are no longer friends any more because of that. I think my friend holds me partly responsible, too. If I had listened, to everyone around me, and to my own heart -- I would have been able to leave the relationship with my dignity intact. Instead, I left with my tail between my legs, a dead baby to haunt me forever, and this anger at myself for being so, so weak. I wasn't strong enough, to protect myself or the child I had been carrying, from the stress of what I was going through. I allowed him to violate me. I know I am strong enough to protect myself now. I cannot blame someone else for allowing myself to be deceived. I can blame him for what he did, but not what I allowed him to do to me.
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 And I would like to find a woman OR man who, in the honeymoon phase, would listen to their new love's EX.
whats wrong with me Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 the best thing you can do is check up on her occasionally and if you notice something strange help her!
Mary3 Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Yeah. I know that I am partly responsible for the level of violence I tolerated against myself. I wasn't trapped there. I was free to go.Your mind was confused. How many people do you know in the first 5 minutes of meeting would tolerate a slap in the face ? answer : None. All abuse is calculated and happens over a period of time and by then you are either in love with them or terribly confused The only thing that trapped me was my own mind. I feel responsible for the trauma my friend went through when my ex tried to kill him. In fact, we are no longer friends any more because of that. I think my friend holds me partly responsible, too. If I had listened, to everyone around me, and to my own heart -- I would have been able to leave the relationship with my dignity intact.When you are in an abusive situation you have a terrorist victim approach and you are frozen with fear . Do not blame yourself for what happened to your friend. You were not in a safe glass house at the time , you were in the ABUSE at the time being controlled through fear Instead, I left with my tail between my legs, a dead baby to haunt me forever, and this anger at myself for being so, so weak. I wasn't strong enough, to protect myself or the child I had been carrying, from the stress of what I was going through. I allowed him to violate me.I am very sorry you lost your baby but the one to feel strongly about is the contempt you feel at the abuser. The ABUSER hurt your baby. The ABUSER hurt You. The abuser hurt alot of people. You are in NO WAY to blame for any of his actions. Thats part of the mind control. Blame you. How easy that was. I know I am strong enough to protect myself now. I cannot blame someone else for allowing myself to be deceived. I can blame him for what he did, but not what I allowed him to do to me. You are strong NOW. Then you were not. But thankfully NOW you can move forward with your life. No regrets because we cannot change what we DID or DID NOT do. We can only learn from our mistakes. YOU are going to make it ! __________________ "That famish'd people must be slowly nurst, And fed by spoonfuls, else they always burst." Byron blind_otter View Public Profile Send a private message to blind_otter Find More Posts by blind_otter Add blind_otter to Your Buddy List Today, 12:29 PM #21 blind_otter Established Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: The Swamp Posts: 5,406 And I would like to find a woman OR man who, in the honeymoon phase, would listen to their new love's
fraidycat Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 If you knew someone was about to be hit by a bus if they continued walking on the street they were going on would you tell them, or just figure they probably won't listein and let them find out for themselves? I would hope you would tell them. You're telling the truth and if indeed this new gf decides she does not beleive you and wants to persue it and find out then that's her own fault, but at least you did the right thing. Also maybe she won't beleive you at first but as soon as he starts showing the signs as he did with you maybe early on she'll realize it is truthful and no doubt she'll be thankful to you for warning her!
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 If you knew someone was about to be hit by a bus if they continued walking on the street they were going on would you tell them, Apples and Oranges.. Your comparing someone getting hit with a bus ( an inanimate object ) to the OP's situation ? They are not even close.. There are more people involved here than just one person and a bus
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