butterflylily7 Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Hi all. I was browsing around the forum and reading posts. Everyone seems to have really good ideas and support and I could use that right about now. I'm going to summarize as best as possible. My boyfriend and I became "official" Dec 05, though we had been dating on and off since Dec of 04. When we first met everything was great and stayed that was for a few months, until his ex told him she was pregnant. Long story short, it turned out he didn't trust me to stick by him and broke up with me. I was pissed because he had so little faith in our relationship. But I made huge lapse in judgment and we did have unprotected sex. I became pregnant, and she was already pregnant. I didn't tell him. And I lost the baby. Fast forward to the summer of 05. He comes back into my life, and I told him what happened. We decided to be friends and I even came clean about my pregnancy. Well the feelings were still there and, we began dating again. But the problem was that we now had so much baggage we did not have before that we were fighting constantly. By this time, his ex had her baby, and the little guy had a rough start. He was very sick. I did my best to support my boyfriend, because he was stepping up and being a man about things. Recently, we've been having an even rockier time because the ex, the mother of his child, just found out that she has cancer. Ovarian cancer. As much as I feel for them both, and the baby, I cannot help but be jealous. She has his child, and I lost mine. Now he wants to take a break. He says he could not imagine his life without me but he's moving in with her to take care of the baby and help her out. I go from sympathy, since cancer is a horrible thing, to anger because some chick he dated for only a few months is coming between us. Sometimes, I swear I hate the woman. It's completely irrational. Should I just let him do what he has to do with her and even give up hope of us getting back together? She and the baby will always be more important than I am, and it's frustrates me. I need an honest opinion before I go crazy!
littlekitty Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Wow... I certainly don't envy your position. I'm sorry for how you must be feeling right now. Dealing with an SO with a child from a previous relationship is always difficult. It can bring a heap of issues and insecurities. I'm dealing with it first hand myself. And yes, his child will always come first. Not so much mother, but for the sake of his child, he will obviously want the best for the mother too. How old is his child right now? Does she have any support system locally? Family etc that could be doing what he is doing? How is their relationship? Still friendly? Terse? Does she want him back? If you want this man, you need to be 100% sure you're ready to take on this situation and deal with it. It's going to be a rough and rocky ride, and you are going to have to be strong, strong, strong. I'm not sure what I think about him moving in to take care of the mother and child. On the one hand it seems a very noble and caring thing to do, and probably is. Although dependant on their relationship and he how feels about yours, I'm not sure it's appropriate. In this situation myself, I would want to see my SO support the mother of his child as much as possible. But moving in to care for her and the child, might be a bit of a push over what I would expect or be willing to accept. She would have family and other support systems to help in the house. We would be there and do as much as possible, but him moving out and under her roof wouldn't be on for me personally. I'm sure some 'bigger' people may well be able to agree to it!
Author butterflylily7 Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 Thanks for the feedback. Right now I'm really calm, but as soon as I turn off the lights and get into bed I know I'm going to start bawling. She's completely dependent on him. She does not drive, so he takes her to and from work, to do her laundry, to go shopping, and to any appointments she has. Now, she is home from work, getting chemo, and she's depending on him even more. It's like they are together, despite the fact that he tells me they aren't even friends in any real sense of the word. I just wonder where my support is because getting over my loss has not been easy.
littlekitty Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 So has she been dependant on him from the beginning?! It sounds awfully dependant. It's difficult in these situation for everyone to find the boundries and set expectations but it does have to be done. My SO slowly had to back off, at first she was asking for help with this and that. He would help, get no thanks and slowly felt he was being taken advantage of. His ex is now a single mother and therefore she has take the repsonsiblity of that. Of course if she (your bf's ex) needs a lift to take the child somewhere etc then he should be willing to help. But the important factor here is that he should be helping with the child only. She can, and has to learn, to get on with HER life by herself. I can understand she needs support at this time, but so clearly do you. He should be able to reassure you of his feelings for you, while providing the support she needs. You didn't really answer if there was anyone else who could help support her? Why did he feel he had to move in?
Guest Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I have known women who were divorced for years move in with their exes to help them through cancer. Unfortunately, ovarian cancer has a terrible prognosis. That she has it so young is not good. Do you realize that you may well end up taking care of this child? He may feel guilty because he left her and left her to fend for herself. He may also worry that she will be too ill to care for the child when the child needs something in the middle of the night. Maybe right now she has what you don't in terms of a child, but eventually you will have what she doesn't - life. Plus you'll have her child. So try to be empathic in her case and supportive in your husband's case.
Author butterflylily7 Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 According to him, none of her family lives in San Diego (I think they live out of state), and she doesn't have too many friends. She's out of work now for the chemo and sick all the time. I've always avoided asking too many questions about her personally just because it's...weird. Of course I want her to get better, just for her own sake, but at the same time I wish she would just figure things out on her own. This is the second time she's invaded my relationship with him and it's neverending. I guess with him being over there all day, then going to night classes, and going BACK we're done. It's hard to accept.
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