Living with the aftershocks...........

March 15, 2006

Its been 8 months since the beginning of the end of my relationship with 'my' knight-in-shining-armor. Its been just six months that I've known for sure that our 'relationship' was nothing that I thought it was.

I still get physically ill when I admit to myself that my husband had a relationship (EA? PA?) with a girl he worked with. I know others have experienced it - your heart feels like it skips a beat, and your stomach does a flip-flop. Its a very real physical reaction. Something a lot of you have (regretfully) had to deal with.

I get very emotional when I attempt to mourn the loss of what I 'thought' we had. I'm reluctant to let go of what was once exactly what I had wanted my whole life. I had married and divorced very young (dumb), and raised a very intelligent, successful, well-adjusted daughter mostly on my own. The man I was with during this mid-zone of my life (29-39), turned out to be the nightmare of all time. Although extremely good looking and charming, he had molested my daughter for most of the time she was growing up, had sex with pretty much every 'young thing' that I worked with (we worked for the same company) - including my own assistant, and pretty much told everyone every personal thought or secret I shared with him. He even fabricated stories about me in an attempt to make others 'dislike' me, while I remained stone-faced and silent the entire time, attempting to save some 'face'. Most people saw right through him, and knowing me well-enough, realized what was happening. Still, I'm sure people wonder if I'm as 'icky' as he'd like them to believe. After we divorced, he promptly moved in with the youngest of his 'girls' in the plant, even though this was against company policy as he is in management. I can think of practically nothing positive when I look back at this relationship, and feel pretty stupid for being so blind.

My (now) husband contacted me just as I was going through the ugliness of the above. He was with me the entire time - the psychiatric hospitalization of my daughter due to the exposed abuse, the legal madness, the reveleations at work, everything. And he was by my side to watch as I survived one nightmare after another.

Although I remained strong out of necessity, I really wanted my own rock to cling to. I've never had anyone in my life that "I" could depend on. It is rare to find a relationship (beyond parent-child) that is strong enough to allow a dependance, of sorts, on each other. A real, true, reliance, on another human being, is unheard of.

Okay, so obviously I understand that.........I just am so damned sad that I have to give up the illusion of having that.

We had been married less than 2 years when he decided that his 'friendship' with this girl at work was worth going underground for. Besides the contact all day at work, they would talk on the cellphone all the way home too. They also text-messaged and emailed - you know the routine. He later told me that when he walked in the front door at home, he was 'done' with her. Some people are very good at compartmentalizing. I have no idea whether their relationship became physical or not. The only item he ever offered without my 'black-n-white evidence', was that they met for coffee a couple of times after work. So who really knows.

This whole thing feels kinda whiney, so any comments should be very nice.

I just feel like .......... he should be charged with fraud. How do people make promises and 'seem' so damned trustworthy, when in fact, they're not? I've known him since we were 12 years old! He was with me during my ugly nightmare (see above), and KNEW I had 'issues' with trusting people. How could he betray me so? And so early in our marriage?

I know, he's a fraud. He'll 'say' what he needs to, 'do' what he wants, blah, blah, blah. I know its my decision whether or not to leave this relationship, but I keep thinking..........if I can't trust "HIM", I will never be able to trust ANYONE anyway....

So, feeling the aftershocks of your spouses' betrayal - is it worth it? I have a hard time believing that a marriage is 'better' or 'stronger' after such a breach of trust. I had ALL the trust I ever wanted in this man, and he chose to throw it away.

I know, I need to accept that things have changed, and he is no longer my knight-in-shining-armor. But do you have any idea how great it feels to know that the person you love, loves you back? That the person you trust, is worthy of that trust? That the person you care about, cares about you too? That the person you admire, respect, and hold dearly, feels the same about you?

And I don't play that girly 'crying game' AT ALL, but sometimes when I think about all of this, water just falls out of my eyes.

I hate giving all the up. I just feel bad. To settle for what we have, after knowing what we 'had' is just awful. And I know I sound like a whiney baby, but I just hate letting it all go. I don't want to go where things aren't like that. Where you think those stupid things about people (you know, when you don't trust someone). How do you care about someone you can't trust to care about you?

This must be a stage, kind of like resignation, right?

Do you think homeowners insurance would cover my loss?

March 15, 2006

I am so sorry for your pain.

You have been through excruciating pain in your adult life and you have come out on top. Through the veil of tears you cry, I sense strength. Hold on to it....

Wish I could help more.

March 15, 2006

I still get physically ill when I admit to myself that my husband had a relationship (EA? PA?) with a girl he worked with. I know others have experienced it - your heart feels like it skips a beat, and your stomach does a flip-flop. Its a very real physical reaction. Something a lot of you have (regretfully) had to deal with.

Yup, been 4 months for me. Felt and still feel every emotion.

I get very emotional when I attempt to mourn the loss of what I 'thought' we had. I'm reluctant to let go of what was once exactly what I had wanted my whole life.

It hits you like a ton of bricks. Then you think back to things you did together, when you thought everything was fine. How could he do that?

Okay, so obviously I understand that.........I just am so damned sad that I have to give up the illusion of having that.

No, we dont. We didnt give up the illusion, they did. We can have what we want. We either have to work at it, or just find someone new. (I know, not an easy thought at all. I have children too.)

Besides the contact all day at work, they would talk on the cellphone all the way home too. They also text-messaged and emailed - you know the routine.

Oh yes, I do. In my case, it was also IM on his phone and computer. Talked to her 3 times a day. Once in the morning, afternoon, and home from work. They just "shot the sh**" he said. Yea, right...

I have no idea whether their relationship became physical or not. The only item he ever offered without my 'black-n-white evidence', was that they met for coffee a couple of times after work. So who really knows.

My H denied any contact at all. Just friends. Said he didnt even meet her anywhere to lunch or dinner. Never had alone time with her. I dont know, I just find that SO hard to believe. He promises me nothing ever happened. I will NEVER know, NEVER.

This whole thing feels kinda whiney, so any comments should be very nice.

Whiney? No. The one person, who you felt you could trusst more than anyone, any other person, has lied, and kept things from us. They didnt give a crap about us and did what they did. A**holes!

I know, he's a fraud. He'll 'say' what he needs to, 'do' what he wants, blah, blah, blah. I know its my decision whether or not to leave this relationship, but I keep thinking..........if I can't trust "HIM", I will never be able to trust ANYONE anyway....

We do this because we love them so much. Our love outweighs the negativity and wrong they have done us. We think about what it would be like to not be with them, then we cant stand the thought. Plus, I dont want to start all over again. I would rather repair what I have left.

So, feeling the aftershocks of your spouses' betrayal - is it worth it? I have a hard time believing that a marriage is 'better' or 'stronger' after such a breach of trust. I had ALL the trust I ever wanted in this man, and he chose to throw it away.

Me too, but then I think this. Everything happens for a reason. Why, who knows. Have you learned anything. I have. It's to be more affectionate, attentive, and makeing time for him and I. I have noticed he is trying too, and in return I have been surprised by little things he does for me. And really, isnt it the little things that matter too?

I know, I need to accept that things have changed, and he is no longer my knight-in-shining-armor. ?

It has changed. We have to make it better, or it will just die. Its so hard to forget, but we have to at least forgive. W have to. So, when you find out how to do that, let me know!

Do you think homeowners insurance would cover my loss?

With a sense of humor, it will help us see it through........

God Bless my sister.

March 15, 2006

JG,

Your post sends shivers down my spine because it could have been written by me and I never want to go back there again. The truth is that there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better at this moment, in the same way that there is nothing you can say to someone who has died and is grieving. Grieving is a process. It takes time and we all have our own ways of coming to terms with things.

All I can tell you is that I have had all those feelings that you have had and somehow time and working through them has made things not so bad. I no longer get that gut-lurching feeling when I think about it. I just think - this has happened - it's s*** but it's over.

It takes a long time to get to that stage. I know so well where you are at just now. I too felt that my whole world-view had been shattered. I realised that apart from one of my parents, there was no-one in the world I truly trusted (the other parent I don't even trust with some things). It's hard to realise that you truly are an adult and have to depend on yourself, strange though that may sound. I lived alone a couple of times and have been independent, travelling alone etc but never in my life have I ever felt so totally alone as I did then. I really really wished that I was religious so that I could feel that there was something to believe in, but unfortunately my nature does not allow me to believe that.

Just like you my ex- long-term partner had also cheated on me. My husband knew and he did the same. What I have to say on this matter is this: sad to say but your husband would not have thought about you during the affair. If he had it would have given him a guilty conscience and spoiled it. It was about HIM not YOU.

Second, I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Slowly I came to the conclusion that my fault was picking men who appeared very strong on the outside but had fairly weak egos inside.

This helped me make my choice in a way. I felt I could give my husband (who'd had his fingers burnt) another chance or I could make my way in the world and pick (probably) someone who was quite similar (because it wasn't that obvious to me) and start again from scratch. At least my husband knows the score - one strike and he is out.

As for 100% dependence and reliance on another person being impossible...my own way of coming to terms with this was to accept it. I truly believe that this just doesn't happen unfortunately. Other people will have different views. What I tried to do instead, was accept this in a positive way and strengthen myself from the inside so I didn't need to be dependent.

I also spread my dependency around. Again, some people will disagree but I told just about all of my friends and some family what happened so I had support from different sides. Some friends couldn't handle it and disappeared but I learnt who my real friends were. My best ally turned out to be someone I would never have expected.

I am so sorry for you JG. I just want to give you a cyber hug and tell you it will be alright. Cause in the end it will. You will find your own way and one day you will look back and it won't hurt so much.

Be kind to yourself

Syl

X

March 15, 2006

Its been 8 months since the beginning of the end of my relationship with 'my' knight-in-shining-armor. Its been just six months that I've known for sure that our 'relationship' was nothing that I thought it was.

Jonesgirly - You've replied to a few of my posts and you seem so sweet as though even though you are going through such immense pain yourself, you still give of yourself to others to offer some peace and comfort to those around you. That is a true gift in itself - you are unique and beautiful so don't forget that

I get very emotional when I attempt to mourn the loss of what I 'thought' we had. I'm reluctant to let go of what was once exactly what I had wanted my whole life. I had married and divorced very young (dumb), and raised a very intelligent, successful, well-adjusted daughter mostly on my own. The man I was with during this mid-zone of my life (29-39), turned out to be the nightmare of all time. Although extremely good looking and charming, he had molested my daughter for most of the time she was growing up, had sex with pretty much every 'young thing' that I worked with (we worked for the same company) - including my own assistant, and pretty much told everyone every personal thought or secret I shared with him. He even fabricated stories about me in an attempt to make others 'dislike' me, while I remained stone-faced and silent the entire time, attempting to save some 'face'. Most people saw right through him, and knowing me well-enough, realized what was happening. Still, I'm sure people wonder if I'm as 'icky' as he'd like them to believe. After we divorced, he promptly moved in with the youngest of his 'girls' in the plant, even though this was against company policy as he is in management. I can think of practically nothing positive when I look back at this relationship, and feel pretty stupid for being so blind.

Jonesgirly - Don't ever think you are stupid for not knowing what he was doing! I've often thought that too but looking back - I was just too trusting of a person. You sound like me in that you trusted him as I trusted my H. Since I really didn't have anything to doubt him for and I wanted to believe the best of him - I totally put my trust into my bf too. He just used me as a doormat also.

Although I remained strong out of necessity, I really wanted my own rock to cling to. I've never had anyone in my life that "I" could depend on. It is rare to find a relationship (beyond parent-child) that is strong enough to allow a dependance, of sorts, on each other. A real, true, reliance, on another human being, is unheard of.

I know what you mean - I've often wished I had been a "first" wife to a man but I was stupid when I was 23-24 and started dating a man who was divorced with 3 kids. We eventually married and had 3 kids together. I never felt "first" in his life because he had 3 kids before me so they would be first. Then I met my current husband who had 2 kids and so I wasn't "first" again. I've kicked myself for not looking for a guy who had no baggage when I was in my early 20's and maybe he would have been that rock also. Maybe you can learn to count on yourself at this point in time. That's what I do. Because I am thinking about divorcing this 2nd time around, it's not so scary because I've been alone before and had to count on myself before so I'll do it again and you can too! You know you can because you raised a daughter who you should be very proud of.

I just feel like .......... he should be charged with fraud. How do people make promises and 'seem' so damned trustworthy, when in fact, they're not?

Funny you should say that! One of my h's gfs who did not know about me told me I should charge him with fraud for what he did to me. He was seeing her when we were engaged and at that time we bought a house together. After we got married I found out about the other women. I was so mad because now I had this monster of a mortgage payment that I would not have taken on if I'd have known he was cheating on me in the first place. I talked to her on email a few times and she said to see a lawyer and tell the lawyer what he did and take the house right out from under him. He did put down the sizable down payment so even though I'd feel good about getting that back from him, I can't make the payments on the house on my income so it wouldn't work.

So, feeling the aftershocks of your spouses' betrayal - is it worth it? I have a hard time believing that a marriage is 'better' or 'stronger' after such a breach of trust. I had ALL the trust I ever wanted in this man, and he chose to throw it away.

I know what you mean. I can't say I think our marriage is better. To me it is like if a man were to physically abuse you. After he has beat you up to near death, he decides it's time to get himself help. By that point he has already hurt your relationship beyond repair. That is how I'm feeling about someone who cheats and then after they are caught or whatever decides to get help. Should have done something before the damage was done.

I know, I need to accept that things have changed, and he is no longer my knight-in-shining-armor. But do you have any idea how great it feels to know that the person you love, loves you back? That the person you trust, is worthy of that trust? That the person you care about, cares about you too? That the person you admire, respect, and hold dearly, feels the same about you?

I know I know. Can you feel this again with someone who has hurt you so deeply? I've asked myself these questions too. I think I'm past feeling that my H loved me while cheating. I just wonder if he even "cared" about me. I know he didn't respect me because one of his women told me they used protection "sometimes". That's nice to know. That's he's with her then coming to me and could possibly be giving me a disease and apparently just didn't care. I've wondered if I would have been killed during his cheating, would he have just moved on with someone else? I have to truthfully say I really don't know if he would have even shed a tear.

March 18, 2006

HOO-ah, can I relate!

First of all, let me say that I am so sorry about your first marriage and yoru daughter. That is a very sad story. I hope there's a special place in h*ll for people who molsest children.

About 10 weeks ago I found out about my husband's 10 year affair. It was an EA, PA, everything. They managed it all during the workday and hd sex in cars, at our homes, etc. (Though fortunately, not at our current home -- if that was the case we'd be moving out.) It was with a "friend" of ours, even. Things have been pretty rocky since then, but also pretty good in many ways. He is very contrite and has told me everything, at least to the best of my knowledge. He is very emotional and regretful and is hell bent on fixing himself and us / staying together. Today, I think there's a good chance we'll make it. Tomorrow, I might feel differently.

I haven't gotten to the point yet wehre I have been able to sort out the past, and focus on the fact that it was an illusion on my part. I don' t know how to do that. I don't know what memories are OK to keep, what is OK to dump, etc. I feel like I should dump all the memories and start fresh, but our kids were toddlers when he stated this affair and we even had one more kid DURING the affair. So I can't scrap everything. It's a dilemma in my brain, but some days are worse than others. Today, for some reason, I am not in the mood to dwell on negative things. Other days I am in tears nonstop and think I've gone nuts.

I don't think you need to "let it all go." You need to remember and hang onto the good times. After all, it's the good times in the past that will allow you to reclaim your relationship and be happy again, if that's what you want.

I don't think things happen "for a reason" either. I think life is pretty random. But a spouse's choice to go outside a marriage is not a random act. It's deliberate and deceitful, and until my husband can sort out why and how he could pull that off, recovery for us will be slow. But he's working on it.

Are you two in marriage counseling? If not, consider that. Also, read some of the books about infidelity that are on the market. I recommend "Not just friends."

It sounds like he has not been 100 percent honest with you, if there is some doubt in your mind about EA vs. PA. You can't recover or even begin to think about what you had in the past, if he's not honest with you. That needs to be your first act of "tough love." Get the truth, or tell him to get lost.

When I confronted my husband about his infidelity, I made a list of requirements that he would have to follow if he wanted to stay together. (I also gave him the option of divorce and even had an attorney waiting in the wings.) Anyway, one of the foremost requirements was "the full truth, and not one more f*cking lie."

Hang in there, Jonesgirly.

March 18, 2006

PS: Is that the Big House in your avatar?

March 18, 2006

I haven't gotten to the point yet wehre I have been able to sort out the past, and focus on the fact that it was an illusion on my part. I don' t know how to do that. I don't know what memories are OK to keep, what is OK to dump, etc. I feel like I should dump all the memories and start fresh, but our kids were toddlers when he stated this affair and we even had one more kid DURING the affair. So I can't scrap everything. It's a dilemma in my brain, but some days are worse than others.

Chump,

I had the same feelings. All I can say is that they are YOUR memories. The happiness you felt when your child was born was real happiness, it wasn't a mirage. Please don't throw any memories away ( unless they are like him giving you an extra special gift on valentine's day!). They are your memories and really nothing to do with your husband.

Syl

March 19, 2006

I know what you mean - I've often wished I had been a "first" wife to a man but I was stupid when I was 23-24 and started dating a man who was divorced with 3 kids. We eventually married and had 3 kids together. I never felt "first" in his life because he had 3 kids before me so they would be first. Then I met my current husband who had 2 kids and so I wasn't "first" again. I've kicked myself for not looking for a guy who had no baggage when I was in my early 20's and maybe he would have been that rock also.

I too was never a "first", and it used to bother me as well. But with time I realized that EVERYONE has baggage. It doesn't matter if they've never married, because marriage isn't the only thing that creates baggage - living does.

We all make choices. Some of them are astoundingly stupid, but with the bad choices come life lessons. If we take those lessons and actually learn something then the pain hasn't been a waste.

Good luck, and hang tough. Everything gets better with time.

March 19, 2006

Chump.....yep, thats the big house. My daughter attends UofM (thats where I send all my money). I love Ann Arbor with all of its 'character' and diversity.

TEN FREAKIN YEARS? How in the hell does someone lead a double-life for that long? I'm sure you've wondered that yourself. I cannot even imagine being in your situation, although I will say I think you're very intelligent, strong-willed and seem to be handling things well. This is probably due to your husbands sincere remorsefulness, genuine expression of emotions, and most importantly, his realization he needs to work his ass off to save the marriage. That, in itself, has got to give you hope for your marriage, and that he realizes the damage he has done. I wish my husband could figure out why he decided to do such a deliberate and deceitful 'act' also.

Suebee.........I am so very sweet , at times. And I agree with your analogy - it IS like they beat the relationship to 'death' and then realize, only when its just about too late, that THEY are responsible too! How irresponsible of your husband to not use protection. Its one thing for HIM to choose that, but to subject YOU to the physical risk (without a choice) is beyond comprehension for me. Frauds, they're all frauds! Thanks so much for your words.

Sylvia........I always appreciate when someone feels the 'shivers' too. Part of what makes this place great is that it allows me to realize that I'm not alone, that there are deceitful people everywhere, and you CAN survive them! It sucks to be a grown-up, but not much you can do about it. I've never really trusted anyone before - I've been pretty cynical all my life (to a certain extent) and knew that you could only REALLY count on YOURSELF. To have allowed myself to trust and believe in my husband the way I did, only to have him prove me 'right' about how people really are, um.....sucks (for lack of a better word). I will probably never allow a myself to feel that way again. No, not probably, I won't. Took that risk this time, not gonna happen again.

Sunny D......you should post your story. There's a certain amount of 'cleansing' that comes from putting it out there in black and white. Especially when you come back, weeks later, and realize that you've survived! Plus, the people here are great and really encouraging. I have told NO ONE my story, mainly because I just don't want to. Your story sounds very similar to mine..........right down to the fact that we'll never REALLY know what went on. That fact really does make it tough - it still doesn't seem that my husband and I are on the same 'team' - he still needs to keep his 'secrets' about his "friend." Thanks for posting.

Walkingaway.....thanks for words of encouragement. Just posting your reply is enough, and makes me feel less 'alone' and you should know that I appreciate it.

March 19, 2006

Thanks for your kind words. I have no idea how someone lives a double life for 10 years. I hope to h*ll he can figure it out and explain it, or we may be finished.

I live in a Big 10 town.

March 21, 2006

Oh baby, you're in the middle of one of the hardest aftershocks, the one where you have to face up to reality and reality sucks! It's hard to let go but you're going to have to so you can move on to better times. You'll do it in your own time and it's perfectly natural to feel like this, so don't think you're whining because you're not.

A lot of us have been and are going through very similar situations. Difficult relationships before, trust issues, need for security, belief in the happy ever after, loving our knights in shining armour, assured of his honesty, support, loyalty and care. I don't know about you but since DDay I've found out my H found his title of 'Mr. Fricking Perfect' a little hard to live up to!

JG, he was a fraud, maybe still is. He's also the same man with the same qualities you fell in love with...he has one or two defects is all (lol). I don't know how but it is possible to care (and love) someone you no longer trust, I do. I miss the trust, I miss it so bad, but in hindsight I can see I was an arse to have given it to him at all!

Things do calm down gradually, especially into the second year. My meltdowns are more infrequent though no less powerful. During those moments I seriously question why I am with someone I would never have wanted to be with had I known what a lying cheating wanker he was!

The compromises are huge but are essentially crucial for the well being of your family, your children in particular. Harmony does return; just take it day by day.

I wanted to give our marriage at least two years before re-evaluating things but was prepared to call it quits if the situation at home became too unbearable. It did and those were the times I gave up, fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it!), he wouldn't let go and the moments passed once again.

I've realised that his love for me is nothing like mine for him (nor ever was), he doesn't react or respond like I do and I've accepted that. We're different people.

I've also realised that he never really envisaged me finding out and never intended to hurt me. He knew what he was doing was wrong but because they were EAs, convinced himself he wasn't doing any real harm.

I told him once years ago that if he ever turned out to be a liar it would be such a shock I'd never be able to trust anyone again. When you've trusted and loved someone for 17 years then find out you've got it so spectacularly wrong, you lose faith in yourself and your ability to judge anyone's character accurately. I'm obviously total bollocks at it!

The problem about knowing what he did or didn't do troubled me too, especially the sex thing. I wanted to be told the truth and was scared more about being lied to rather than the actual act itself. I knew it would eat me up indefinitely (cos I thought it was quite probable) and I couldn't face that prospect; so I found a way of having confirmation, one way or the other and was pleased to be 95% sure he wasn't lying about this - the other 5% I could live with!

The point being JG that it is indeed possible for these types of affairs to remain non-sexual, although they are usually flirtatious, ego-boosting, mutual admiration type of relationships which can be very close emotionally and just as damaging as PAs.

Anyway sweet pea, you're doing just fine and you'll get through this. Lots of us understand exactly what you're going through so don't be afraid to sound off. We can't make it better but we'll help you along the way.

I think your idea of suing the buggers for fraudulent behaviour is a stroke of genius...any lawyers round here able to advise us???!! (lol)

Big hugs

Veronese xxx

March 21, 2006