Dolias Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I have been married to my wife for 10 years and we have 3 children together and I have one step daughter. About a year ago, while on booting up my computer, I received a popup stating that I had files that still waiting to be burned to a CD. I opened it to find several pictures of my wife in suggestive and alluring poses. I confronted her and she had said they were supposed to be gift for our anniversary, which was over 2 months away. She had been spending hours playing an online game (which has been uninstalled and deleted)and several times I had caught her not playing, but sitting in one spot and talking to one particular person. I had mentioned this and she stated that she had made some friends online. She had indeed, and even been asked to become a contributor to the team website. It had always been difficult for my wife to make friends due to some insecurities issues, so I let it go. I did, however, suspect that something may be going on. With the discovery of the pictures, I put a keylogger on the the PC and found that she was engaging in Chat-sex with this particular person. I also found her pass-word for a private email account, and upon getting into her emails I found further evidence of an emotional affair. She said all of this wasn't real and she viewed as the same thing as viewing ponography. She was also planning a trip to visit a friend (a female, who I have met)who lived in the same state as the person she had been talking to. I confronted her and she swore that she would not meet him and even changed her flight, to be over 200 miles from the man. She did not however cancel the trip. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and stopped looking at the chat logs, and she had also deleted the email account that she had had and replaced it with another one that I had access to (for a wile at least). To make a long story short, I found out about a month ago that she had met him not only on the initial trip, but on a later trip with her family to repair damage to a family condo due to the hurricannes (although, this time I'm told, she was never alone with him, as family her family was there). He apparently had a brother that lived in the same town as her friend. I confronted her again and she at first admitted that she did indeed meet him. Then that their had been kissing and heavy petting. After much hand wrenching and aguing, about a week ago, she admitted having sex with him on the couch in her friends living room (classy, huh?) I found out he was a 22 yr old college student, although since my wife only knows what he told her on the game ( at least, as far as I know)he may be even younger. I am 37 and my wife is 33. My wife explained the entire affair, in intimate detail, to me, stated that this may have been this guys first time, due to his inexperience and brevity of the act. I only mention this to illustrate what she has said to me. I supposed she could just be just trying to save my ego. I told her I was seeking a divorce and she begged me not to leave her and our family. I told her that since she had not ended the relationship, and continued to speak to him. Including sexual topics includidng their time together, how could trust her?. I finally I emailed this man and threatened to 'come have a 'man-to-man' talk with him' and in short threatened to kick the living hell out of him. My wife swore that he had not contacted her, but a quick check on her phone found 3 text messages from him. I again confronted my wife and she crumbled to the floor and begged me to forgive her again and that she had told him not to contact her , but she had tried to do it nicely. I again contacted him, leaving a voice message essentially telling him that I would put him in the hospital, if I ever heard her even mention his name again. She wrote him an email (in which she let me read) stating bluntly that she wanted nothing to do with him again. Shethen changed her phone number and as far as I know hasn't heard from him. I have to say that I have been a pretty insensitive husband over the years, I drank quite a bit and at times, and could be dissmisive and sometimes nasty in arguments. She stood by me though 2 DWIs, before I finally got my act together. I was told by my friends that I wasn't paying enough attention to her and had lost my previous long term (6 years girlfriend due to the same reason. My wife had over the years had asked me to pay more attention to her and, although I love my wife more that life itself, foolish pride caused me not to. We have been to counseling and she is seeing a therapist. My wife admittedly has a problem with seeking the appoval of men, which I believe stems from the her father's drinking and his failure as a parent, and I believe for the first time she is confronting her problems and is working to better herself. I am haunted by the mental images of my wife with another man and the thought that she could throw our marriage and family away for a cheap romp with someone she really did know. She has said that she never intended for this to happen and she it was a fantasy that got out of hand. She says that she lied to keep us together, and she just wanted it to go away, despite her continues contact with him. She says that this 'boy' had fallen for her and she didn't know how to end it properly. Her continued contact with him makes this a more than a little hard to believe. None-the-less, I am trying to be positve. Everything I've read state that once a women cheats and is forgiven, she will do it again. Despite how I feel about my wife (Istill love her)I think I am OK with divorcing her, but there are children involved and this is effecting them already. I can, I think, continue to be her friend, if I leave and would try to help her get through her therapy and get better, but I don't know if this is simply an unhealthy desire to still be around my wife. The lies are more difficult than the physical act to forgive and my don't wish to be a fool any longer. Does anyone have any advice or insights?
jonesgirly Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 First - see Owl http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ read it for yourself, almost identical situation. Second - if you are really 'okay' divorcing her, you are either not being honest with yourself, or have one foot out the door already. I understand that children are involved, and your concern for their well-being is admirable. But, as Dr.Phil puts it, children would rather "come from a broken home than live in one." You do no favors to young adults when you set the example for dysfunctional relationships. You've admitted that your treatment of your wife was less than loving. If you were really 'insensitive and nasty' as you've stated, then you both have some work to do. But first you need to know whether or not you love your wife, and if you truly want to work on the marriage. I'm in NO WAY condoning what she's been doing, but if you really are 'okay' with ending the marriage, then I would HAVE to think that message has been sent loud and clear to your wife over the years. Sometimes people do desperate things when they're seeking attention and/or approval. It doesn't sound like she ever had yours. I would be reluctant to give up someone who had stood by my side through some of your 'things.'
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