cal gal Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Ok so then in that case is it safe to that OW's are just women with a severe need to..oh I don't know..GROW UP. Seriously- I'm thinking they need to make a pill for women who want to be Ow's..dickbegone or something..dropthedick..dicknotyours..something along the lines. Get involved with a married man for sex..a man who's already married..why not just say "How to be successfully DEMENTED" Oooooh honey, slow down! I have loved and admired many of your posts since you have arrived, however you need to understand that this particular area of our forum is to lend support and ideas to the other woman/other man.... I am personally not and never have been an OW - but I do appreciate and empathize with their point of view... We are all here to help, keep that in mind... even if it's just a bit of humor through a days time.... let's lift each other up!
No Stress Lady Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Ok so then in that case is it safe to that OW's are just women with a severe need to..oh I don't know..GROW UP. Seriously- I'm thinking they need to make a pill for women who want to be Ow's..dickbegone or something..dropthedick..dicknotyours..something along the lines. Get involved with a married man for sex..a man who's already married..why not just say "How to be successfully DEMENTED" LOL - I do see your point Fraidycat but the fact is that we don't live in a perfect world where everyone gets married, whisks off into the sunset and lives happily ever after.........wouldn't it be great if that was the case?!!!! That's why this forum exists. Generally you'll see that most people posting here are DISSUADING people from affairs................lots of people love to post here with no experience of the situations involved but plenty of hot air and self righteousness!!!!!!!!!!!
OldEurope Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Well, I have been "with" him for 1 year now. We have an agreement between the two of us. It is based on money and sex. I have been torn apart in serious relationships and at this point in my life I dont want all the emotional hang ups of an emotional relationship again. I have a beautifully furnished apartment, a brand new car and a wonderful wardrobe, and I get wisked away to resorts and beautiful hotels around the world. We mesh wonderfully together, but I do not have any emotional ties to him of my knowledge. we plan on doing this for as long as I am single. The weird thing is, I never look at myself as taken, since the conception of this realtionship, I have always felt I am single. He has as well as I, made it clear that if I am to find a man and fall in love with him or things get serious with another man that we will stop this affair. All I can say is that it just works. A first-class, mile-high-club, champagne-fluted ticket down the road to personal Hell.
lovernotafighter Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 the only way to be successful OW is not be one...but it's a little late for most of us here..so thats that.
For You I Will Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 How to be a successful OW?? In a perfect world, women and men would be single when they dated...& once married, would be exclusive with their S. However, the world is not perfect and many W find themselves involved with a MM. It is particularly disconcerting, or comforting, depending if you are the W or the OW that MOST married men NEVER leave their S for the OW. So, what’s a girl to do? The obvious answer is "Don’t date a MM!" However, if the solution were that simple the numerous articles, books, newspaper articles, television programs, web sites, movies, etc., etc., dedicated to this issue would be unnecessary. Here are some helpful Questions: 1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now? 2. Is your behavior creating hardship for anyone else? 3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship? 4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years? 7. Are you helping your MM to "keep YOU a secret"? 8. Do you ever go out on a "normal" date with him? 9. Do you ever spend any holidays together? 10. Do you know anyone else in his life? How I wish I could follow this advice.
erika2610 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 How to be a successful OW?? In a perfect world, women and men would be single when they dated...& once married, would be exclusive with their S. However, the world is not perfect and many W find themselves involved with a MM. It is particularly disconcerting, or comforting, depending if you are the W or the OW that MOST married men NEVER leave their S for the OW. So, what’s a girl to do? The obvious answer is "Don’t date a MM!" However, if the solution were that simple the numerous articles, books, newspaper articles, television programs, web sites, movies, etc., etc., dedicated to this issue would be unnecessary. Here are some helpful Questions: 1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now? 2. Is your behavior creating hardship for anyone else? 3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship? 4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years? 7. Are you helping your MM to "keep YOU a secret"? 8. Do you ever go out on a "normal" date with him? 9. Do you ever spend any holidays together? 10. Do you know anyone else in his life? How I wish I could follow this advice. Have you ever answered those questions for yourself? If ya don't mind me asking, what were the answers?
erika2610 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Ok so then in that case is it safe to that OW's are just women with a severe need to..oh I don't know..GROW UP. Seriously- I'm thinking they need to make a pill for women who want to be Ow's..dickbegone or something..dropthedick..dicknotyours..something along the lines. Get involved with a married man for sex..a man who's already married..why not just say "How to be successfully DEMENTED" Women who want to be OW's? I really don't think somebody just wakes up one day and says 'Ya know, I want to be an OW'. And most OW aren't in it just for sex. I seriously hate it when people come here only to pass judgement as if they've NEVER done anything wrong themselves..
For You I Will Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now? In the moment, yes...In the big scheme of things.. no way 2. Is your behavior creating hardship for anyone else? Hmm.. yes 3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship? I have to take it for what it is...But NO, Im not satisfied...I want more. 4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years? Haven't got to that "talk" yet. Which probably means never, unfortunately. 7. Are you helping your MM to "keep YOU a secret"? wow.. sadly.. yup. 8. Do you ever go out on a "normal" date with him? What is considered normal? We do go out together. 9. Do you ever spend any holidays together? omg no. 10. Do you know anyone else in his life? I actually do. There you go Erika...Answering these questions truly make me sad...It is such a disappointment.
erika2610 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now? In the moment, yes...In the big scheme of things.. no way 2. Is your behavior creating hardship for anyone else? Hmm.. yes 3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship? I have to take it for what it is...But NO, Im not satisfied...I want more. 4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years? Haven't got to that "talk" yet. Which probably means never, unfortunately. 7. Are you helping your MM to "keep YOU a secret"? wow.. sadly.. yup. 8. Do you ever go out on a "normal" date with him? What is considered normal? We do go out together. 9. Do you ever spend any holidays together? omg no. 10. Do you know anyone else in his life? I actually do. There you go Erika...Answering these questions truly make me sad...It is such a disappointment. I didn't mean to make you sad I think you should take a look at this post again maybe. Think about it.. don't you want more out of life? Don't you want somebody who can be there for you in the long run? Somebody who you CAN spend holidays with and you can meet his family? Somebody who can treat you like you deserve to be treated.. because he can't. While you're with this MM, you're passing up the chance to find a single man who can make you truly happy in the long run..
CeeJayXX Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now? YES 2. Is your behavior creating hardship for anyone else? NO 3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship? DEFINITELY 4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years? NOTHING EXCEPT THAT WE WILL BE TOGETHER. 7. Are you helping your MM to "keep YOU a secret"? YES 8. Do you ever go out on a "normal" date with him?YES 9. Do you ever spend any holidays together? YES, ALL OF THEM..ON THE EXACT DATES. WE EXCHANGE GIFTS AS WELL. 10. Do you know anyone else in his life? YES MANY OF HIS FRIENDS AND ALMOST ALL HIS FAMILY.
For You I Will Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I didn't mean to make you sad I think you should take a look at this post again maybe. Think about it.. don't you want more out of life? Don't you want somebody who can be there for you in the long run? Somebody who you CAN spend holidays with and you can meet his family? Somebody who can treat you like you deserve to be treated.. because he can't. While you're with this MM, you're passing up the chance to find a single man who can make you truly happy in the long run.. No.. you didn't make me sad.. just answering some of these questions did. I take it for what it is. THATS IT. I came into this KNOWING I won't be first. I just didn't think it would get past a month! We'll see what happens.....
lovernotafighter Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I figured I'd answer these as well...perhaps on the outside looking in,I'll throw my hands up and walk away... 1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now? no 2. Is your behavior creating hardship for anyone else? yes..sadly 3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship? no 4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years? that we will be living together..maybe. 7. Are you helping your MM to "keep YOU a secret"? yes 8. Do you ever go out on a "normal" date with him?yes 9. Do you ever spend any holidays together? no just send letters 10. Do you know anyone else in his life? yes.
erika2610 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I figured I'd answer these as well...perhaps on the outside looking in,I'll throw my hands up and walk away... 1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now? no 2. Is your behavior creating hardship for anyone else? yes..sadly 3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship? no 4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years? that we will be living together..maybe. 7. Are you helping your MM to "keep YOU a secret"? yes 8. Do you ever go out on a "normal" date with him?yes 9. Do you ever spend any holidays together? no just send letters 10. Do you know anyone else in his life? yes. It makes me kind of sad to read you guys's answers.. you don't sound very happy. Don't you want more?
erika2610 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 No.. you didn't make me sad.. just answering some of these questions did. I take it for what it is. THATS IT. I came into this KNOWING I won't be first. I just didn't think it would get past a month! We'll see what happens..... Most people go into the A not thinking it will last.. not thinking they will develop feelings. But at some point, it's inevitable. The longer you stay with him, the harder it's going to get. The more you'll start to feel for him, and the harder it will be to walk away..
lovernotafighter Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 It makes me kind of sad to read you guys's answers.. you don't sound very happy. Don't you want more?yeah now I really do....you hit the nail on the head with your next post for me.. Most people go into the A not thinking it will last.. not thinking they will develop feelings. But at some point, it's inevitable. The longer you stay with him, the harder it's going to get. The more you'll start to feel for him, and the harder it will be to walk away.. this is so true...me and my MM have e-mailing and talking on the phone like crazy about us being together this past week. I don't buy anything..he knows it.so next week he asked me to go have dinner with him so we can talk in person over the whole thing. the thing is I know if there was ever a time to walk away now is it..and the worse thing is I know that I can't.
CeeJayXX Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Any of the OW's here: Have you ever actually went into the A knowing that your MM is not going to leave his wife? Knowing that what you have together can only go so far but yet you want to enjoy the other person? My MM and I have had this agreement since day 2 (after the initial shock of it all)....and we agree that we aren't going to be together soley as a couple, its just not possible. We are both fine with that and just enjoy everything about each other that we can. There is no pressure and no stress in the relationship to "want more" because we just know we can't have it. Anyone else?
erika2610 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 yeah now I really do....you hit the nail on the head with your next post for me.. this is so true...me and my MM have e-mailing and talking on the phone like crazy about us being together this past week. I don't buy anything..he knows it.so next week he asked me to go have dinner with him so we can talk in person over the whole thing. the thing is I know if there was ever a time to walk away now is it..and the worse thing is I know that I can't. The thing is you have to be ready to leave. No matter how many times people told me to leave, he would hurt me, blah blah blah.. I wasn't ready. I had to learn for myself. But ya know what? I evetually did leave.. and I found out that though it was so hard.. it did get much better in time. I was so much happier. I didn't have to worry. I didn't have to worry about the W finding out, about anybody finding out. I was free. Though I've now been single for a while, I'm still happier and better off than I was back then. It just opened the door for a new man to come into my life. One who will treat me like I deserve to be treated. Who will be there for me when I need him.. I can meet his family. We won't have to hide. It will be tough at first, but it will get easier day by day. You may even find that you're happier without him, who knows..
erika2610 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Any of the OW's here: Have you ever actually went into the A knowing that your MM is not going to leave his wife? Knowing that what you have together can only go so far but yet you want to enjoy the other person? My MM and I have had this agreement since day 2 (after the initial shock of it all)....and we agree that we aren't going to be together soley as a couple, its just not possible. We are both fine with that and just enjoy everything about each other that we can. There is no pressure and no stress in the relationship to "want more" because we just know we can't have it. Anyone else? Nope.. I was told he was looking to leave his wife. It just wasn't the 'right time yet'. Ugh. I was fine with it at the time.. him not leaving his wife. But eventually I wanted more. You don't want more out of life than a relationship with a man that you can't even go public with? Somebody who you know you can never completely have?
lovernotafighter Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 The thing is you have to be ready to leave. No matter how many times people told me to leave, he would hurt me, blah blah blah.. I wasn't ready. I had to learn for myself. But ya know what? I evetually did leave.. and I found out that though it was so hard.. it did get much better in time. I was so much happier. I didn't have to worry. I didn't have to worry about the W finding out, about anybody finding out. I was free. Though I've now been single for a while, I'm still happier and better off than I was back then. It just opened the door for a new man to come into my life. One who will treat me like I deserve to be treated. Who will be there for me when I need him.. I can meet his family. We won't have to hide. It will be tough at first, but it will get easier day by day. You may even find that you're happier without him, who knows.. well we are both married but my H and I are going to file disillusion at the end of the summer,my MM didn't know all this. I only told him last week actually to make him stop talking about divorce because i know he'll never leave. I was right when I first told him join me,he told me everything I read on here over and over. now though he wants to talk seriously about the hows to do it..the thing is I still don't buy it and I believe he is going to really hurt me now..or even if he is serious am I ready to take on the resposiblity of his dealing with his spouse..they have a child..I don't...he'll have debt..I won't. he says his W will drag him through the coals am I really prepared for this? I really don't know..I have to make sure our love is real..then in the same tokken I find out I am am he's full of it I'll be destroyed..I don't see a happy ending here
CeeJayXX Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Nope.. I was told he was looking to leave his wife. It just wasn't the 'right time yet'. Ugh. I was fine with it at the time.. him not leaving his wife. But eventually I wanted more. You don't want more out of life than a relationship with a man that you can't even go public with? Somebody who you know you can never completely have? You are asking me why I don't want more out of my relationship - such as sto go public etc..... Of course I would like that but it's not feasible.....but at the same time, I don't live with the false hope of hearing that he is going to leave his wife. We both know where we stand within our relationship.
tigger Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I'm sorry, I just don't understand it. I was the "wife" in your situations, and your looking for excuses for your inexcusable behavior. How do you suddenly find yourself in LOVE with your MM. I mean what is LOVE to you? For me to love someone, I need to know them, spend quality time with them and learn things from them. For me, I guess, you shouldn't have the ability to do that with a MM, unless you go into it knowing you are going to be his mistress. You've gone out with them after work. It's wrong in so many ways. And sure, maybe you thought there was to be only friendship, but the minute you felt something more, it should have stopped immediately. You attend the same conferences for work. There are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, and you chose to cross them. That, in and of itself makes you selfish. I love the ones where the MM actually divorces the wife, then marries the OW then cheats on the OW and she is surprised. Wake up friend, once he cheats, he is always a cheater! He didn't love you any more than he loved the woman he was or is married to when he met you. He loves himself and only himself, and until he realizes he has issues, he's going to be a cheat. In turn, for those of you who seek out MM, you have issues yourself. Maybe you just don't give a crap about others feelings, but more so, I don't think you give a crap about yourself, so it doesn't matter to you what you do with your body. Sex is sex, and if you want it without commitment, then find someone who isn't already committed and have all the sex you want. I wouldn't judge you for that. But I do and will always place judgement on those who CHOOSE to have affairs. Because it's always a choice - everything we do is a choice. And the good ole excuse of - We had so many heart to hearts and we just fell in love - YA WHATEVER, don't buy it. Your heart to hearts should be with your significant other, and if they aren't then you should leave to begin with. Don't stay in a marriage just to stay. Odds are if you aren't happy, than either is the other person. Release them from the hell you are apparently living in so they can move on with out all the baggage you will eventually bring upon them by cheating. You women who are the OW. Put yourself in a marriage, you've been together for years....you've probably become complacent with yourself and your life because "til death do us part" is a really long time. Then BAM your husband comes home and tells you he's having an affair. Do you know what that does? Aside from the sadness and aside from the loss you feel - there are years of insecurities you will have because of this. Going forward any relationship you have will likely end because of not being able to trust anyone. And why? I apologize to those of you who are the OW. I'm sure many if not all of your are wonderful people in many ways. But, I can't condone adultery in any way shape or form no matter how wonderful you are. I would tell this to my best friend, and obviously I would tell this to a perfect stranger. I'm in no way perfect, I commit my own sins - but I do my best to treat others as I would like to be treated.
lovernotafighter Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I'm sorry, I just don't understand it. I was the "wife" in your situations, and your looking for excuses for your inexcusable behavior. How do you suddenly find yourself in LOVE with your MM. I mean what is LOVE to you? For me to love someone, I need to know them, spend quality time with them and learn things from them. For me, I guess, you shouldn't have the ability to do that with a MM, unless you go into it knowing you are going to be his mistress. You've gone out with them after work. It's wrong in so many ways. And sure, maybe you thought there was to be only friendship, but the minute you felt something more, it should have stopped immediately. You attend the same conferences for work. There are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, and you chose to cross them. That, in and of itself makes you selfish. I love the ones where the MM actually divorces the wife, then marries the OW then cheats on the OW and she is surprised. Wake up friend, once he cheats, he is always a cheater! He didn't love you any more than he loved the woman he was or is married to when he met you. He loves himself and only himself, and until he realizes he has issues, he's going to be a cheat. In turn, for those of you who seek out MM, you have issues yourself. Maybe you just don't give a crap about others feelings, but more so, I don't think you give a crap about yourself, so it doesn't matter to you what you do with your body. Sex is sex, and if you want it without commitment, then find someone who isn't already committed and have all the sex you want. I wouldn't judge you for that. But I do and will always place judgement on those who CHOOSE to have affairs. Because it's always a choice - everything we do is a choice. And the good ole excuse of - We had so many heart to hearts and we just fell in love - YA WHATEVER, don't buy it. Your heart to hearts should be with your significant other, and if they aren't then you should leave to begin with. Don't stay in a marriage just to stay. Odds are if you aren't happy, than either is the other person. Release them from the hell you are apparently living in so they can move on with out all the baggage you will eventually bring upon them by cheating. You women who are the OW. Put yourself in a marriage, you've been together for years....you've probably become complacent with yourself and your life because "til death do us part" is a really long time. Then BAM your husband comes home and tells you he's having an affair. Do you know what that does? Aside from the sadness and aside from the loss you feel - there are years of insecurities you will have because of this. Going forward any relationship you have will likely end because of not being able to trust anyone. And why? I apologize to those of you who are the OW. I'm sure many if not all of your are wonderful people in many ways. But, I can't condone adultery in any way shape or form no matter how wonderful you are. I would tell this to my best friend, and obviously I would tell this to a perfect stranger. I'm in no way perfect, I commit my own sins - but I do my best to treat others as I would like to be treated. it is a terrible thing we are into,yes. it is hard to imagine on one hand what could be going through our minds when these affairs are going on. I appreciate your comments and I know about myself ,I'm not looking for a excuse for what I've done..I came here looking for support because I've found myself in a terrible situation which unfortunatly involves me falling in love with a MM. I never felt having a male friend was wrong and my H also has had female friends and theres nothing wrong with that in my opinion..but I did cross the line when it turned into more but by this time I felt I had no control over my self..though like you said I did. my MM and I went into this to being completly selfish...that was our intent..outside of us it is us giving up everything for everyone else..we wanted everything a relationship blessed with trust could have and we got it in spades. we will never come home and tell our spouses anything ever..I'm leaving my H and he never needs to know what we have done..why should he..so he can be hurt? I've went over this with my MM and he agrees they never need to know regaurdless of the out come. I am not conserned with the trust issue if we did end up together..because i've never been a jealous person in my life and I don't plan on starting. if he did cheat i won't blame myself or ruin my self esteem over it... you said you were the BS in a affair I'm sorry that has happened to you,I hope all is well in your life now..thanks for your post, I hope I glean all I can from everyone.
tigger Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 My very best to you. I agree that neither of you should tell the other about the situation, it will only hurt. My life is so wonderful now - thank you!! Honestly thank you, that made my tear up a little bit. I have a wonderful fiance - though we have had issues of my not trusting him. We talk through them....if I learned anything (which I learn so much from that last relationship), the best thing I learned is to not keep my mouth shut when I disagree with some thing he's said or done. Not that we scream and yell, but what is so nice, we talk through our differences, I can't get over that - it's amazing to me. Again, my very best to you, and everyone!
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