Guest Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I am currently the ow. I have no feelings towards my married man, and am curious why/how women can get attached to something that is not even theirs to begin with? The key to being the ow is to just take for what its worth and to not get involved emotionally.
scarletletter Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 That is how I started out. It was clearly not my intention to fall in love with a married man. It is very easy to fall in love with someone who treats you like you like a queen and gives you all of the emotional support that your life is lacking. It is also hard to keep feelings from developing when you are so close to someone. When you connect with someone on a level that you never have before, and that connection grows and grows into something that you feel is love. I guess falling in love with a married man is the payback that I get for doing something that I should not have done in the first place. Sort of like karma...loving someone so much and so deeply and knowing that you cannot have them to yourself just yet is very painful. We bring it on ourselves, and then complain about it later. I wish that I could turn my emotions off like a switch, but I cannot. I do try to keep things in perspective, but it is very difficult. I have always been a hopeless romantic...hopeless being the operative word here.
Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Scarlet, You are human...that's all. Hugs...
scarletletter Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Walking Away, You are clearly the bigger person here and the better human. I respect you for what you have accomplished and are trying to accomplish. I hope that some day I don't find myself in your position, but if I do....I would hope that I could handle it as well as you seem to be. Keep up the good work. It really does suck to fall in love this way...soooo much is missing and soooo much is not fair. No one ever told me it was going to be easy, but I wouldn't have listened anyway...to hard-headed. Right now I am in a happy place but anything can happen at any time, and reading your posts have made me more aware of that than ever.
Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Scarlet, Do not discount yourself. I am just a human being that is trying to do the right thing in this world. You are a fantastic woman. I follow your posts, too. I, too, am in love. And I have no doubt that he loves me. But, it wasn't our time. I chose grace and dignity over panic and revenge. It was just a choice I made. Anyone can make the same choice. I am nothing special. Perhaps, to others, how I am handling myself appears special...But, I am hurting too, yet choosing to be strong and dignified. Hang in there....I know exactly how you feel.
scarletletter Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Yes, there are people in this forum that I have come to respect and value their opinions...you are one of those few. I originally came here because I felt guilty and wanted to justify myself. Now I have learned so much and have begun to put up barriers to prepare myself for getting hurt. Never hurts to have a little ammunition!! I now feel like I am waiting for him to hurt me after reading so much here. I think I should not read so much and just let things happen. Hugs back to you!
Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Friend, Every situation is different. Mine did not work out like I had hoped. Everyone who has read my posts knows that. Take one day at a time. Your situation is not like anyone else's situation. It is unique in its own way. Just be true to yourself. That is all you can do. All my best to you.
HokeyReligions Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I can understand how some people make that choice to be an OW or OM -- we are all human and at some time or another we all make a choice from an emotion. For those coming here wanting emotional support or help to deal with the emotional pain of an affair I will not bash them or belittle them. None of us is perfect and we all make choices that to others may be clear and easy, but to us is so buried under feelings that we can't see the 'right' choice until the 'wrong' choice has already been made. That's SOP for humans sometimes. What I don't 'get' (I can understand it intellectually - but I can't empathize) is why some people pursue married people, or have no reservations whatsoever about dating a married person. That borders on, if not is downright sociopathic behavior. Complete disregard for other people. That bespeaks a person who has no emotion at all - a shell of a person who is incapable of finding personal fulfillment because they don't recognize what that means to them. It reminds me of a line from a book; The Stand by Stephen King, to paraphrase where Harold Lauder writes in his journal "... won't change for the good of the world, the world must change for the good of " That's not a positive attitude - that's disturbed.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I am currently the ow. I have no feelings towards my married man, and am curious why/how women can get attached to something that is not even theirs to begin with? The key to being the ow is to just take for what its worth and to not get involved emotionally. Look at this the same way as a FWB. (Friend with benefits) You can only have sex with someone for so long before emotions and feelings get in the way. Men are able to separate sex and love. Most women cannot do that. How long have you been with your MM? You plan on still being with him in 5-10 years?
scarletletter Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I certainly can agree with you on most of what you say, Hokey. It is an impossible situation and inexcusable behavior. The MM that I am involved with is in a bad situation as am I. We sympathized with each other, at first and got to know each other's lives by telling the stories of our marriages. It is something that was thought out and both decided to risk everything for our own needs. It is selfish and somewhat sociopathical, I agree. He says that he cannot leave at this time because he has made a promise to himself that he will raise his kids with the one other person who would stop breathing for the children, along with him. He has broken a promise to her by agreeing to love and be true to only one. He says that she has broken a promise to love him also. There is no love in their relationship almost to the point of dislike from the lack of respect and support. He realizes the risks that he is taking by possibly getting discovered and also the risk he is taking according to God's word related to eternal damnation for sinning. He talks of this occasionally and has decided that right now his children's needs come first and he will meet those needs as he has promised to do. No, it is not right, and if the kids found out, they would be very hurt...I don't think the wife would really care that much other than she would have to get a job if he leaves. We are the most discreet people in the world and do not take any risks that would lead to anyone finding out. We are two people that found each other through despair and are helping each other deal with it. I don't expect any sympathy or support, really. I don't try to justify anything by coming here. I just like to hear other's stories to keep me prepared. We are not ready to break up families at this point, although in some way we already have. We sought each other out and found in each other what we were missing. We decided to act on our instincts and now we are in a place that is to the point of no turning back. It is very hard for anyone to understand and I don't expect anyone to. We really are good people that just got caught up in emotions and have the upmost respect for each other.
Citizen Erased Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Why have an affair if you have no feelings for him? His wife obviously loves him if she married him, so why would you want to get in the middle of them if you don't love him? I don't condone cheating, but from this site I can see the OW side of it, but they all are in love, which is something to respect. It just seems so... empty and wasteful. I'll give you the advice I'd give anyone If you don't have feelings for them then find someone you have them with. I pity you if you are so joyless, as your post appeared to indicate.
scarletletter Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I think that if a mm wants just sex from someone other than his wife, he would find a way to get it. He could pay for it for that matter. Some men actually seek out more than sex and when they find it and the ow feels the same, emotions are going to get out of control. If it were only about sex, I would not even bother. Sex is just a way to share the intimate feelings that you have for someone. If you don't have those feelings, it is just that...SEX. Any hooker on the street can provide that.
Citizen Erased Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I think that if a mm wants just sex from someone other than his wife, he would find a way to get it. He could pay for it for that matter. Some men actually seek out more than sex and when they find it and the ow feels the same, emotions are going to get out of control. If it were only about sex, I would not even bother. Sex is just a way to share the intimate feelings that you have for someone. If you don't have those feelings, it is just that...SEX. Any hooker on the street can provide that. I agree with you entirely. What I was trying to say was why be an OW if there are no feelings? What the MM chooses to do with his infedility is up to him, but I just find it strange to have sex with someone if their are no feelings... is it just because he is a MM? I bet there are single men who you could have meaningless sex with, so why a MM if there are no emotions involved?
erika2610 Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I am currently the ow. I have no feelings towards my married man, and am curious why/how women can get attached to something that is not even theirs to begin with? The key to being the ow is to just take for what its worth and to not get involved emotionally. I wish it was so easy
Guest Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Look at this the same way as a FWB. (Friend with benefits) You can only have sex with someone for so long before emotions and feelings get in the way. Men are able to separate sex and love. Most women cannot do that. How long have you been with your MM? You plan on still being with him in 5-10 years? Well, I have been "with" him for 1 year now. We have an agreement between the two of us. It is based on money and sex. I have been torn apart in serious relationships and at this point in my life I dont want all the emotional hang ups of an emotional relationship again. I have a beautifully furnished apartment, a brand new car and a wonderful wardrobe, and I get wisked away to resorts and beautiful hotels around the world. We mesh wonderfully together, but I do not have any emotional ties to him of my knowledge. we plan on doing this for as long as I am single. The weird thing is, I never look at myself as taken, since the conception of this realtionship, I have always felt I am single. He has as well as I, made it clear that if I am to find a man and fall in love with him or things get serious with another man that we will stop this affair. All I can say is that it just works.
No Stress Lady Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Well, I have been "with" him for 1 year now. We have an agreement between the two of us. It is based on money and sex. I have been torn apart in serious relationships and at this point in my life I dont want all the emotional hang ups of an emotional relationship again. I have a beautifully furnished apartment, a brand new car and a wonderful wardrobe, and I get wisked away to resorts and beautiful hotels around the world. We mesh wonderfully together, but I do not have any emotional ties to him of my knowledge. we plan on doing this for as long as I am single. The weird thing is, I never look at myself as taken, since the conception of this realtionship, I have always felt I am single. He has as well as I, made it clear that if I am to find a man and fall in love with him or things get serious with another man that we will stop this affair. All I can say is that it just works. I couldn't help laughing when I read this comment!!!!! There's another word for that kind of "deal" I do understand what you're saying here in many ways though because I've had a few relationships with MM myself that were never based on the assumption that they would divorce. I think you must have some feelings for this guy though, I think that, despite what you say about not having feelings for him, you must have some and you really do need to make sure that you DO keep your options open and don't close yourself off from the possibility of a relationship that might actually lead somewhere. I just think there is a danger too in becoming too dependant upon the financial assistance ths guy gives you. One of my MM was similair - took me all over the world to luxurious hotels and was always spoiling me with with gifts and wonderul dinners - looking back I have no regrets but am far more fulfilled with my current boyfriend (now fiance!!) who can actually offer me a proper future rather than just a "fantasy bubble" which is dependent largely on money and far removed from reality. Would you be so keen on this guy if he wasn't wealthy? I hope there is more to it than that because one day you might find yourself traded in for another OW - and you'll need to be ready for that....................
scarletletter Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I really have nothing left to say in this post. If it works for you and you are happy, then go for it! Everyone in this world is different, thank God, or it would be an incredibly boring world!!
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 but I do not have any emotional ties to him of my knowledge. If he were to end it, just call you or email you, and say "It's over, goodbye..." are you telling me that you would be completely fine? No tears, no saddness?, nothing? Just, oh well, it's over, life goes on??? I'm sorry, but I think you're fooling yourself into believing that you don't feel for him. The thing is, and you can't see this, neither can he - But being in the situation you're in IS preventing you from opening up and getting to know other men. As for your MM, he tells you, its' OK, he'll let you go if you find someone else? Neither of you can predict that. I hope for your own sake you're right and all of what you feel and say is true, because if it isn't, you will be posting here again in the future, heartbroken.
Guest Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 If he were to end it, just call you or email you, and say "It's over, goodbye..." are you telling me that you would be completely fine? No tears, no saddness?, nothing? Just, oh well, it's over, life goes on??? I'm sorry, but I think you're fooling yourself into believing that you don't feel for him. The thing is, and you can't see this, neither can he - But being in the situation you're in IS preventing you from opening up and getting to know other men. As for your MM, he tells you, its' OK, he'll let you go if you find someone else? Neither of you can predict that. I hope for your own sake you're right and all of what you feel and say is true, because if it isn't, you will be posting here again in the future, heartbroken. All I have to say is Thank you. For the first time since I have been in this A, I have been able to feel some sort of emotion thanks to your post(s). I see a whole different side to this now, I really am being held back. I may not be emotionally dependent on him, but I am financially, and that alone scares me. After some consideration and thought about this last post, I do believe that he is the reason I have not opened myself up to a serious or loving relationship with another man. My mm provides stability for me, but at the age of 24, I cannot help but think I am starting to waste my life. A million thanks, again. I do believe that I needed a kick in the ass and this forum has helped do just that...
SoleMate Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 If you're a woman just looking for "strings free sex" (oxymoron IMO), then I strongly recommend seeking out single men. Believe me, you will have your pick from a vast smorgasbord.
castle26 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I am currently the ow. I have no feelings towards my married man, and am curious why/how women can get attached to something that is not even theirs to begin with? The key to being the ow is to just take for what its worth and to not get involved emotionally. Why the sudden rash of these preachy, judgemental threads? What purpose is this serving? By the way, the "not even theirs to begin with" angle has been hashed, and rehashed around here. Catch up, wouldja? We have unsympathetic, non-OW/OM lecturing the OW, quoting Stephen King (!), claming women cannot separate love from sex...blah blah blah babble, babble, etc. Come on! Take your goofy opinions to the infidelity forum, interlopers!
No Stress Lady Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Why the sudden rash of these preachy, judgemental threads? What purpose is this serving? By the way, the "not even theirs to begin with" angle has been hashed, and rehashed around here. Catch up, wouldja? We have unsympathetic, non-OW/OM lecturing the OW, quoting Stephen King (!), claming women cannot separate love from sex...blah blah blah babble, babble, etc. Come on! Take your goofy opinions to the infidelity forum, interlopers! Most people posting here are current/ex-OW - myself included - bottom line is that if you make yourself dependent financially and emotionally on a MM you're running a big risk - far better to be independent and self sufficient than to hinge your life on someone who is a) unavailable and b) likely to "drop you like you're hot" as soon as his wife gets wind of his affair. Buyer beware - that's all!!!!!!!!!
HokeyReligions Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 I certainly can agree with you on most of what you say, Hokey. It is an impossible situation and inexcusable behavior. The MM that I am involved with is in a bad situation as am I. We sympathized with each other, at first and got to know each other's lives by telling the stories of our marriages. It is something that was thought out and both decided to risk everything for our own needs. It is selfish and somewhat sociopathical, I agree. He says that he cannot leave at this time because he has made a promise to himself that he will raise his kids with the one other person who would stop breathing for the children, along with him. He has broken a promise to her by agreeing to love and be true to only one. He says that she has broken a promise to love him also. There is no love in their relationship almost to the point of dislike from the lack of respect and support. He realizes the risks that he is taking by possibly getting discovered and also the risk he is taking according to God's word related to eternal damnation for sinning. He talks of this occasionally and has decided that right now his children's needs come first and he will meet those needs as he has promised to do. No, it is not right, and if the kids found out, they would be very hurt...I don't think the wife would really care that much other than she would have to get a job if he leaves. We are the most discreet people in the world and do not take any risks that would lead to anyone finding out. We are two people that found each other through despair and are helping each other deal with it. I don't expect any sympathy or support, really. I don't try to justify anything by coming here. I just like to hear other's stories to keep me prepared. We are not ready to break up families at this point, although in some way we already have. We sought each other out and found in each other what we were missing. We decided to act on our instincts and now we are in a place that is to the point of no turning back. It is very hard for anyone to understand and I don't expect anyone to. We really are good people that just got caught up in emotions and have the upmost respect for each other. While I don't support your choice, I don't see your situation as sociopathic - you connected in a shared misery of sorts - loneliness, unsatisfied relationships... - and you both made a choice to have an affair. I'm talking about those who seek out married people for the sole purpose of having an affair. It doesn't sound like you did that. It sounds like a choice made from an emotion - be it love or despair. There are degrees of selfishness too - everyone is selfish about something - its human nature.
HokeyReligions Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 I couldn't help laughing when I read this comment!!!!! There's another word for that kind of "deal". Well, I would substitute the word "deal" for "profession" and that is the kind of sociopathic behavior I meant in my earlier post. Complete disregard for, or even recognition of others that are involved indirectly with the affair.
fraidycat Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Ok so then in that case is it safe to that OW's are just women with a severe need to..oh I don't know..GROW UP. Seriously- I'm thinking they need to make a pill for women who want to be Ow's..dickbegone or something..dropthedick..dicknotyours..something along the lines. Get involved with a married man for sex..a man who's already married..why not just say "How to be successfully DEMENTED"
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