I Never Realized how "unspecial" "our" situation is

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I think part of the problem with these MM is that they are living a fantasy with us. When reality hits, however, they see the full brunt of what their indescretion means to the real world. Loss of friends, family, support, money...and the list goes on and on. And, then, when they wake up from the fantasy...they back track. They still care about us....they are just unwilling to give up so much.

 

I think some of these MM have to be some of the most miserable people on the face of the earth. It must be exhausting living two different lives. And, I am sure that if they REALLY care about us, it is hard being split in two emotionally also.

 

So wise and so true!

 

WA, are you still fighting off your MM?

[Walking away]

No, we parted ways with love. I am convinced that he loves me, and he knows that I love him. He is going through absolute hell at home now that his W has found out about me. But, we both let go of the affair. I got complete closure with my MM. And, we have beautiful memories to hold on to. I do not know what the future holds, but I know that I am going to be okay. The anger has dissolved and the pain has gone for now.

 

I am sure I will miss him, but I know that this way really is for the best for everyone involved. I can honestly say that I have let go. And, it is such a blessed relief. I feel no rejection from him, and he felt none with me. Just two people who had the right love at the wrong time.

 

I am finally at peace.

[lovernotafighter]

I think part of the problem with these MM is that they are living a fantasy with us. When reality hits, however, they see the full brunt of what their indescretion means to the real world. Loss of friends, family, support, money...and the list goes on and on. And, then, when they wake up from the fantasy...they back track. They still care about us....they are just unwilling to give up so much.

 

I think some of these MM have to be some of the most miserable people on the face of the earth. It must be exhausting living two different lives. And, I am sure that if they REALLY care about us, it is hard being split in two emotionally also.

 

OMG WA you are so right! I've been giving so much thought to my MM in the last couple of weeks and I not only think he is miserable I'm of the opinion he's miserable to be around as well.

 

this past week with all the talk he and I have been doing some things are becoming so clear.

 

he says he is so unhappy he has turned himself off emotionally to his W, I asked him does that seem fair or a loving relationship for his child? I told him he should start trying to learn to love his wife again..but he won't listen to me.

 

but here's the thing as well,he has told me his W is in therapy and taking all this medication for depression and tells him everyday how unhappy she is with him. so I have to ask myself..did he do it to her or is what he tells me and it's from her hysterectomy?

 

I have known women who have had this procedure and it does make them flippant but the amount he tells me is off the map..he says it's been going on for years, my H turned him self off emotionally as well and I'm leaving...maybe she wants to but can't.

[Walking away]

My MM is a total emotional and physical wreck. He is still in love with me, but feels that he must attempt at saving his marriage for it is the right thing to do. And, the sting of rejection isn't there anymore. I know that he loves me, and that makes me able to go on without him.

 

This man is a shell of a human being. His wife constantly questioning him, following him, calling him, you name it. I don't want to be a source of such turmoil any longer. I think he needs time alone for she is smothering him, but it is not my decision to make. So, I did the right thing and walked away with love. I hold no ill will towards him. He carries all the responsibility for the damage that has occurred. He made a mistake. He pursued me when he shouldn't have. Now he must live with loving one woman and being in love with another.

 

He does not know if his marriage will survive this, but said that if we are to be together, it will be the right way, not due to an affair. So, we said goodbye lovingly. And, I know he thinks about me. As do I. But, we left with such love.....it was the way it should have ended. A love like this deserved that. Not vicious e-mails or angry phone calls.

 

And, perhaps he can find some peace now, also.

[lovernotafighter]

My MM is a total emotional and physical wreck. He is still in love with me, but feels that he must attempt at saving his marriage for it is the right thing to do. And, the sting of rejection isn't there anymore. I know that he loves me, and that makes me able to go on without him.

 

This man is a shell of a human being. His wife constantly questioning him, following him, calling him, you name it. I don't want to be a source of such turmoil any longer. I think he needs time alone for she is smothering him, but it is not my decision to make. So, I did the right thing and walked away with love. I hold no ill will towards him. He carries all the responsibility for the damage that has occurred. He made a mistake. He pursued me when he shouldn't have. Now he must live with loving one woman and being in love with another.

 

He does not know if his marriage will survive this, but said that if we are to be together, it will be the right way, not due to an affair. So, we said goodbye lovingly. And, I know he thinks about me. As do I. But, we left with such love.....it was the way it should have ended. A love like this deserved that. Not vicious e-mails or angry phone calls.

 

And, perhaps he can find some peace now, also.

 

WA I hope I can learn from your posts.

 

I do love my MM..probably more than I like to admit to myself,to him and everyone else who'd wonder.

 

I think when I talk with him over dinner like we are suppose to I think I should ask him if we should try NC one last time before we end up really hurting each other...or till we sort out our own lives then be together like a real couple.

 

at least that way we would still part ways know we have loved liked no other and the time we spent is unforgettable...if it was meant to be it was meant to be.

 

thank you WA for your strength,I believe your posts have helped me allot,I appreciate it more than you know.

[Walking away]

If you feel that closure is needed, as I did, do it with love. It makes the break so much more manageable, at least for me. I have wonderful memories to draw on, and I know that I loved and he loved well. The affair was wrong, and hurt many people, but the love wasn't. Right or wrong, we loved. Now it is time for us to now to get busy living. Apart. And, I believe that good will come out of this incredibly bad situation.

 

My thoughts are with you..

 

Hugs.

[officespace]

we were together maybe 2 months.....i mean, we knew each other for years first but dating....two months. the baby thing he has mentioned from early on up until very recently. less than one month ago, i would say.

[officespace]

If you feel that closure is needed, as I did, do it with love. It makes the break so much more manageable, at least for me. I have wonderful memories to draw on, and I know that I loved and he loved well. The affair was wrong, and hurt many people, but the love wasn't. Right or wrong, we loved. Now it is time for us to now to get busy living. Apart. And, I believe that good will come out of this incredibly bad situation.

 

My thoughts are with you..

 

Hugs.

update on my situation......since the argument tuesday, we really have not spoken at all. we kind of made up in the morning, but never finished the discussion. wednesday we talked for 5 min on the phone. thursday, he called at 5:30 asking me to come down to his apartment and wait for him to get home from going out with the guys. I was so humiliated. A booty call from my supposed boyfriend? I told him no. I stuck with my guns for the first time. I did not go. He said he would call later. I got an alert on my phone that he had sent an email at 10:30pm. When I got home at midnight, I checked my email and could not believe my eyes. He was booty calling me via email again? He is either clueless that we were at the end, or just trying to get out of it what he can for now. The next day, he did not call me. He is a master of excuses.....lately it's losing his phone or the battery going dead, and he is too busy at work to call or chat on IM (which is what we used to do every day). But, of course, not to busy to take 2 hours lunch at the guitar store or make plans to have drinks with the guys. whatever. i finally called him ~2pm on friday and he said he had a meeting but would talk to me in a little bit. he did not call me back until 8:30 at night! i was so angry i didn't answer. i guess at that point he caught on. i returned his call sat afternoon but he never answered or called back. did not speak to him at all this weekend. it was so hard. i am alone again. we used to spend most of our time together on the weekend. went to dinner alone on sunday. it was hard. we haven't had the breakup conversation yet but it is obvious to me (and him, I think) that we are breaking up. at this point, i think he is just avoiding me. i email him today saying we need to talk and to call me when he can. no response. i am not quite sure what to do but this vanishing act is so painful. at the very least, i need to get all my stuff from his apartment and return his keys and get mine back.

 

What do I do? Just wait? One thing I forgot to mention..........he is a diagnosed narcissist. so when things get heated like they are now, it's quite common for narcissists to bail out and hide until the heat dies down. i don't want to lose my resolve but his silence is starting to break me down. help me!

[Walking away]

Hang in there....Keep posting...We are here for you. I kinda see this as group therapy for me. I draw much strength from the advice and experiences of other people.

 

Keep your chin up....

[officespace]

Thank you ladies. Coming to this forum has really opened my eyes and given me the strength to break it off. Only thing left now is to exchange keys and get all my stuff (there is ALOT at his apt). How do I do that without contact? Should I wait a week or two or do it now?

 

Well, I did it! After yet another "vanishing" period, I ended it. His reaction has shaken me but I have not yet broken down. I am still very in love with this guy. Any advice would be appreciated!!! I'll paste in the email chain below (can't believe he couldn't even call me in person!) I removed all names. Please read it and tell me what you think of his response. Is this normal? I did not respond to his last email. I can't believe he could say those things to me. All the things HE is is what he screamed at me in this email. Does he really mean this crap or did he say it to hurt me? To manipulate me? I'm so heartbroken that he could treat me like this, after treating me like a princess in the beginning. One thing I have not yet mentioned -- this guy is a diagnosed Narcissist.

 

When you read this, keep in mind we were seeing each other 2 months before he moved out. It has been 9 months we have been together, and 7 months since he moved out and got his own apartment.

 

[FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]

My email #1

Well, it's pretty obvious that you are avoiding me. I'm not really sure why, but I'll back off and leave you alone. I won't call you anymore. I really, really don't want to fight with you and I wish we could be kind and mature about this, but regardless I will leave you alone.

 

Take care of yourself. Call me when you are ready.

 

His Email #1

Hey. Yeah, I'm down in the dumps right now. I didn't really realize I was avoiding you until I was well into that cycle. So much is happening right now... too much drama, for one. I'm sure it's plain to you but I just sort of hit critical mass and shut down automatically. I'm not going to just stop talking to you once and for all altogether. I just couldn't take all the pressure coming from all directions - work, you, and (the wife) . (The wife) and I got into a massive fight over the weekend and one result of that is that I no longer have a key to that place. I won't be staying over there anymore. The kids will be coming with me over to my place everytime I see them now. It's a bitch getting (the wife) to be reasonable about letting me take (the baby). But I refuse to give in to that and let my kids suffer for some bulls*** between (the wife) and me - like my parents did to (my sister) and me.

 

So much more to talk about but I still haven't quite rebooted yet. Doubt you'll want to continue talking to me after I do anyway. I wouldn't blame you. I don't know if I'm ready for a full blown relationship anyway.

 

I'm sorry.

 

 

My Email #2

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles. I know it must be really hard. Change and letting go is very hard. I guess "you and I" were the last thing on your mind in the last week.

 

It sucks that I can't say these things in person, or over the phone. I fear that without voice tone, inflection and body language, you will read them as angry or mad. I am not. I am calm and clear-headed. I am resigned to and accepting the reality of the situation. And I am saying these things with sadness, regret and compassion. I am speaking to you from my heart.

 

There is so much that could be said from my end but there is really no point. I've been quite vocal in my feelings, and besides, you've heard most of it already, probably many times over! I do wish you could understand how hurtful and devastating and confusing it is to have someone you love, someone who is supposed to be your boyfriend, just vanish on you for days, over and over again. I don't deserve that from anyone. I also wish you could have told me these things in person, or at least over the phone, rather than email. Email is very impersonal and I deserve better. But, ha! Guess what I figured out? I cannot change you! LOL All I can do going forward is take care of myself, be good to myself, work to make a better and make sure that in the future, I am treated the way I expect to be treated; the way I deserve to be treated.

 

I'm not upset about this anymore, but I do want to tell you that I was really hurt and embarrassed when I had hardly talked to you in two days (except for two 5 min calls on Weds. evening) and you called me at 5:30pm from (his friend's) phone to ask me to come down late and wait for you to get home at 10:30 pm from going out with the guys. Then, did not call as you said you would, only to ask again via email. I felt really disrespected. I felt like you were treating me like just a booty call, like (his friend) does with his girls. I thought I meant more to you than that. My feelings were very hurt and I was embarrassed that your friend saw you talking to me like that. In your email, you said you really wanted to see me. But, then you did not call until 8:30 on Friday and not once over the weekend.

 

I have to say.....I'm really sad about the way things turned out between us. It's a sad ending to what could have been a promising future and a real chance at a happy, fulfilling life together. But I know and I really see now that you are not ready for that.

 

I will really miss being with you; spending time with you and the love and closeness and affection that we shared. I miss that so much. And I am grieving for the loss for what we could have been, what we could have had together. I am letting go of all the hope and dreams that we talked about. I held on so tightly to those hopes to sustain me in the times when my loneliness and pain was too much to take. Now I know I have to let go.

 

There is a part of me that is angry. But mostly, to be honest, I am just sad. I miss my friend. If we talk, I will not be mean. I will not yell. I do not want to fight. I mean that with all my heart. I care about you so much. I only want the best for you. I really mean it when I say I hope that one day, we can be friends again.

 

Although I dread this, at some point, I do need to collect my things from your apartment and exchange keys. It doesn't have to happen immediately, unless you want it to. It's not really something I am looking forward to, quite honestly. I'm hoping you didn't throw my stuff away but I don't think you would do that.

 

I miss you and I will always love you. If you really need a friend to talk to, you can talk to me. I would love to see you get back into therapy. I think it would be valuable for you right now.

 

Hang in there. Things WILL get better. You just have to get thur the rough times. If you can get thru it, you will grow and be a stronger person, for yourself and for your children.

 

I Love You.

 

His Email #2

 

[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]I'm sorry too. I'm a little disappointed though that you want to pin all fault on me. I didn't just up and decide to disappear - you had just a little to do without. Think about it. You make all kinds of assumptions about what's going on - even now, in your message below - and then you react to those assumptions and give me MASSIVE drama. You say so much how you're always thinking about those around you before yourself but that's not really true. You do a lot for those you care about but you're not as selfless as you say you are. I really needed you to be there for me these past few weeks but it seemed that most of the time we spent together was filled with drama - A LOT of it - and you feeling sorry for yourself. Damn, it makes me angry. If you just had more patience and stopped thinking about yourself so damned much then maybe we could have gotten past this. But you just assumed because I didn't immediately stop sleeping over at (the wife's) (to be with my KIDS) that meant that things weren't moving forward with our divorce. The point of our (yours and mine) last convo in person was precisely that! But you took it your way and totally freaked out. It seemed like you translated what I was saying to mean that I still wanted to be with (the wife) or something and therefore that must have meant I didn't want to be with you since I was not moving forward fast enough. You talk about disrespect. You may not have disrespected me, per se, but you also didn't treat me very well. You had your moments, yes... when things were going your way. But when you believed things weren't going your way (with regard to me and my sitch) or you weren't the absolute center of my attention well I could be sure a buttload of drama was coming my way. What about understanding? Nope. Not much there. I expect a certain level of treatment too... and you just weren't providing that. What about compassion? Not much of that either. *I* can only take so much, you know. I told you over and over that the drama was starting to get to me. But you just couldn't stop thinking about yourself. What else was I supposed to do? And your whole interpretation about the call on (his friend's) phone is complete BS. I've never treated you like a bootie call. In fact, just the day prior (his friend) and I had a conversation in which *he* concluded that I was developing some serious, deep feelings for you. But you just continually assume the worst... What is it with you womanly types anyway? lol! Seriously, it seems like so many women just always want to assume the worst. You do that, you know. Finally (I know, it's all one big paragraph but f*** it - I'm too exhausted to worry about grammar right now), your reasoning that I am toiling with change and letting go is all WRONG. My relationship with (the wife) is over and if papers were in front of my right now I wouldn't be able to sign them fast enough. No... I am upset because (the wife) has cut me off from seeing my kids whenever I want to - the f***ing b****. I hate her for that. But I bet *that* thought never crossed your mind, did it? Oh well, in the end, though, I think this is probably what I need - to be alone. My kids are my focus, as they should be.

 

P.S.

What cracks me up when I think about it is that the last night we spent together (when you woke me up at 4:00 AM or whatever it was) was that you actually said "you lashed out at me!" You must have been referring to my outburst when I said something about the "price to pay" for talking to you being a whole lot of drama. Well I said that, yes. But you act as if I just sprung out and randonmly attacked you without provocation. Dude, let me tell you. You were acting NASTY that night... NAAAASSSTTY! Pretty much most of that night consisted of you slowly lashing out at me over time. But you don't see it that way and probably never will...

[Walking away]

You deserve better than this narcissistic man. He will give you heartache until you stop him. Don't let him hurt you any more. You have endured enough.

 

You are worthy of much more than what he is giving. He is a very confused man and he is dragging you into his mess. Stay clear and try to soothe yourself. Post here. We are here for you.

[zarathustra]

OfficeSpace... I'm glad you are out of that relationship. Reading your post, I can see that had xMM and I stayed together, he and I would have gone down the very same path and had a very similar ending. The talk about his wife is very similar to how my MM talked about his wife when he was mad at her. Then he would tell me how he's glad he's left her, blah blah blah.

 

With regards to your stuff, give it a few weeks, if he is anything like my xMM, he would be sweet-talking his way back home in no time and he'll need you to move things out when he drops the lease on the apartment to move back in with her (that's what mine did). He's saying all these hateful things about his wife right now because he's mad at the situation she's put him in.

[officespace]

You deserve better than this narcissistic man. He will give you heartache until you stop him. Don't let him hurt you any more. You have endured enough.

 

You are worthy of much more than what he is giving. He is a very confused man and he is dragging you into his mess. Stay clear and try to soothe yourself. Post here. We are here for you.

 

 

One this I forget to mention.....I am a gastric bypass patient and just lost my weight one year and 3 months ago. I've spent 9 months out of that time with this guy, instead of dating other guys that would treat me better. I guess because of my self esteem from "before" and lack of relationship experience, I put up with too much.

[Walking away]

Get into counseling if you need to. In order to raise your self esteem, you may need professional help. You are a wonderful woman. Everyone has wonderful traits, no matter their pasts or present. Believe it.

 

And, looks mean NOTHING. It is what is inside a person that counts. Remember that. You are a wonderful human being....do not forget that.

[lovernotafighter]

Get into counseling if you need to. In order to raise your self esteem, you may need professional help. You are a wonderful woman. Everyone has wonderful traits, no matter their pasts or present. Believe it.

 

And, looks mean NOTHING. It is what is inside a person that counts. Remember that. You are a wonderful human being....do not forget that.

 

again WA your right on the mark!

 

to cool

 

theres so many wonderful women on these boards,I think all the MM's causing them grief are out of their minds to let them go.

 

I tell myself that about my MM as well..it will be his lose and he'll regret it forever..

 

but you should see it that way as well office space..your great and been through hell and back..enough is enough. he knows where to find you let him do the work. if not theres plenty of other men out there who will love you with a thousand times as much zeal as this guy ever did..believe it.

[officespace]

but you should see it that way as well office space..your great and been through hell and back..enough is enough. he knows where to find you let him do the work. if not theres plenty of other men out there who will love you with a thousand times as much zeal as this guy ever did..believe it.

 

I know. I have been really down in the dumps this last week. I know I broke it off and all, but I'm sad that he hasn't tried to call and apologize for his horrible email. I stayed home from work today. Why did he have to end it mean? I am supposed to go pick up my stuff from his house today, but I just can't. It's gonna mess me up even more emotionally. I can always wait a few weeks, until I feel better. Unless he wants it out now, from the way he is acting, it won't be long until he starts seeing someone else, if he hasn't already. Damn, I thought I meant more to him than this. What happened to the guy I was friends with for years? I can't believe he can be this cold and mean.

[zarathustra]

OS, take your time with your belongings... I know some things cannot be replaced, but at the end of the day, stuff is stuff. Likely replaceable. If he really wants your stuff out so soon, tell him to courior it to you. That's what I did with my stuff with the xMM.

 

Funny how people can change so quickly, eh? Mine tries to have common conversations with me at work like nothing ever happened with us. Its horrible that he used such horrible words with you at the end. He selfish and self-centered, that is why it ended mean.