I Never Realized how "unspecial" "our" situation is

[officespace]

I am a recent member to this forum. I am blown away from reading other womens' stories. My MM has always described "our" situation as "complex" and "special". From what I've read, it's not special in the least bit. It sounds like every other story.

 

My guy has moved out (sort of; still spends the night over at her place 3-4 nights a week because of the baby). It's been six months since he "moved out" but he has not yet filed for divorce. It seems he is procrastinating so that she will initiate all the action. I'm coming unraveled emotionally. He's told me I am inpatient and putting himself in my shoes, he cannot understand why I am so bothered by his "status". He says it's just a "status" and it's just paperwork. I told him that if it's just "paperwork", then why can't he just FILE the f***ing paperwork! Then he tells me that he cannot "force things to happen" and that it must evolve naturally. I am so sick of hearing all the excuses.

 

Just typing this, I can see how pathetic this looks from the outside. It didn't start off like this. He moved out 2 months in to when we started seeing each other (but did not become intimate until he "moved out"). He was fastracking the relationship back then to hold on to me. He even met my family. Once I fully opened myself up, he back peddeled and then slowed the pace of this "transition" to an agonizing crawl. From reading all the posts, I can see this kind of situation can drag on for years, due to these guys' weak natures. I will soon be 33 and have never married, hence no children. I don't have years and years to wait on him. It will be one year of waiting in June. That is the deadline I set for myself, although I have not told him the date. I can see already the things I told myself needed to happen by then (file for divorce, stop spending the night) will not happen by June. He always has a built in excuse for not stopping the dysfunction of spending the night there because she will not allow him to take the baby overnight to his apartment. So, as long as she plays this card, she can keep him around in her life.

 

I have still to meet any one in his family. No one in his family knows I exist, but my family knows and does not approve. She sort of knows about me but he does not call me when he is over there, only if she steps out for a second, and that is rare. I think he is stringing her along to have unfettered access to his kids and to play happy family with her when it suits me. Then, he leaves and comes to have fun and "relax" with me, the girlfriend. I wonder why she hasn't gotten sick of it yet. She must feel like she is in limbo, too.

 

It's been 8 months of waiting and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I never thought of myself as the other woman. He always said he did not marry her for love (she got pregnant 2 months after they began dating and her travel visa was expiring), but only to "solve a problem". He has said this for 5 years before we ever became involved romantically. We were friends for years. Now, after involving me, sort-up breaking up with her, he has said that there is a part of him that is "still in love" with her. This was the first time I ever heard him say that.

 

I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him, but this is just not right. I have been outside my moral comfort zone for 8 months now, with no end in sight. I feel humiliated and embarassed that this guy says he loves me more than he has loved anyone, yet he will not file for divorce.

 

I am at my whit's end. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have headaches every day now. It takes all my energy these days to psyche myself up to be around him and be "happy" and light.

 

This weekend I reached my breaking point. He "went dark" on my for 2 days, no communication at all. It makes me wonder what the hell is going on over there. On one hand, I want to believe him, that it is about the kids. But on the other hand, how stupid can I be?

 

How do I pull myself out of this situation? I can't take much more of this. I don't want to break up, I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to destroy and lose myself to hold on to some guy/relationship that is so unfair to me.

[Walking away]

You are right. Your story is like many of the other stories.

 

All I can say is that I left when I COULDN'T STAND THE PAIN ANYMORE. And, you have to make the decision on when that will happen for you.

 

I read the distress in your words, and I hurt for you. I was there just last week. But, I strengthened myself and left the situation.

 

No one can tell you when enough is enough. Only YOU can do that.

 

Good luck and take care.

[quankanne]

It's been 8 months of waiting and I don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

the real question to yourself should be, "How much more of this do I want to put up with?"

 

love is incredible, but you shouldn't be forced to wallow in the mud, make yourself sick or do things that are harmful to yourself over "love." Because those things totally undo the true meaning of love.

 

it sounds like you know what the answer is, but you're maybe listening to the part of your heart that is saying to hang on because you love this guy. Whatever you do, don't ever sell yourself short.

[scarletletter]

I'm sure that he knows that if he files for separation or divorce he will surely get partial custody of the kids and can take them overnight. How can his wife stand him doing this in and out stuff. She must be really trying to hold onto something (him) or she surely wouldn't allow this. As far as you are concerned, I wouldn't stand for that for one minute. Kids or no kids, he can find a way to see his kids on a regular basis...unless he is a criminal or something. Sounds like a bunch of cr*p to me. When you love someone it is so hard to make yourself strong enough to give an ultimatum. In your case, you are entitled to a decision from him. Tough situation.

[Ladyjane14]

Why not call his wife and ask her what's going on?

He's separated, right? What would be the problem?

 

Chances are....neither one of you are getting accurate information. A woman to woman talk might just clarify the entire matter. His story doesn't quite add up.

 

There's NO WAY I'd allow a man I was planning on divorcing to hang around my house all the time. I'd be too annoyed to put up with him.

[Barby]

Why not call his wife and ask her what's going on?

He's separated, right? What would be the problem?

 

Chances are....neither one of you are getting accurate information. A woman to woman talk might just clarify the entire matter. His story doesn't quite add up.

 

There's NO WAY I'd allow a man I was planning on divorcing to hang around my house all the time. I'd be too annoyed to put up with him.

 

How did you find out that she kind of knows about you?

 

 

Agreed!! :confused: I wonder if the wife even knows they are "seperated" or if he's given her a fib about where he spends the other nights.....(ie working, out w/ friends, ect).

[officespace]

 

How did you find out that she kind of knows about you?

 

 

Agreed!! :confused: I wonder if the wife even knows they are "seperated" or if he's given her a fib about where he spends the other nights.....(ie working, out w/ friends, ect).

 

well.....here's what he has said. she wanted to talk about him moving out after he did not come home at all one night (he fell asleep at my place, but nothing happened.) she was angry and told him to move out. i got him temporary housing for 2 weeks. he then signed a one year lease for an apt. for a while there, both were going back and forth on if they could work it out, although he continued to see me the whole time. supposedly, they had a 6 hr. conversation a few months back where they layed it all out and both agreed that although the love each other, they should not be together. the only thing they have in common is their kids. supposedly she said, "i know we are not supposed to be together." i also had a mutual friend who has witnessed first hand their screaming matches about why it wouldn't work. she seems to vasulate between wanting him back and getting angry and acting out. right now, they are getting along better, he said. not constant fighting about the kids. a few weeks ago, they were fighting constantly and all of a sudden he starting talking divorce. once things calmed down, the divorce talk died down to.

 

she does know about me, it seems. she figured the pattern out early on that when he is not with the kids (and her, although he says it's "not that way at all"), he is usually with me, so his phone would start to blow up for reason always about the kids.

 

she asked for a divorce and asked him if he had someone else. he told her yes. she asked if was the girl who lived in [insert my town here]. he said yes. cut to months later, he acidentally called her my name when they were arguing, and she saw some of our pictures together when he was accessing his work computer. their son came across pictures of us (he forgot to put them away when he had his son overnight at his apt) so I think he told his Mom about his dad's "friend". she also asked him once when he was leaving, "got a hot date or something?"

 

still looks like she is holding on though, huh? supposedly she asked her therapist for the name of a divorce mediator. she said she wanted to use the same person. she got the name a few weeks ago. as far as i know, no appointment has been scheduled. i imagine once they go into another cycle of fighting, one or both of them will initiate the next move.

 

this is torture. when we are together, it's usually awesome. but the time apart....he just doesn't get how hard it is on me. i am getting ready to break up but i have two things holding me up. we are supposed to go to new york together in may. worst case scenario, i lose 300 bucks for his flight (if he didn't pay me back for some reason; not really like him) and i go alone. the other thing is that we both do the same kind of work and we are getting ready to work on a side project together. i guess i could cancel that and kiss the 5,000 bucks goodbye, but i could sure use the money.

[bb35]

My apologies if this has been posted somewhere else...

 

Yeah, it seems like we're all in an "unspecial" relationship (not true though I think) but why do we have to make ourselves feel any worse than we already do by now pointing out something [else] we're doing wrong?

 

I've read a few posts now, reading stories from a few of you and I'm just wondering how we can help each other take a step toward...dealing with maybe with what a/the real issue is, that we're too scared to admit that it, it seems like, it's boiling down to...yeah, I'm going to say it....that he's just not that into [us] ...'cause isn't that what we're all wondering? I sure am. If he was (that into me/divorced from the wife/never cheat on me), I wouldn't be here...right? Or is that it at all?

 

I can't figure out if I'd prefer to be the wife who's not cheated on (because they love us so much that they can't even contemplate being with anyone other than us...of course this is the ideal situation)) or being the great & special person that I [am?] that he's breaking his vows for! ...or is it really just about the sex???? (No, I know that it's not just about sex. I mean, there is AMAZING sex but living with this crap day after day?) or what if it's only about using each other for whatever reason...??? Am I way off track here?

 

Ahem...ok, again, apologies I'm if saying anything that's already been said (the hard part about joining these message boards for me is that I don't have the patience to read every single thread & posting, no offense meant to anyone (then again, if I didn't have dial-up service, that'd be another story!)) the facts are that we're involved with someone that for one reason or another is an imperfect person just like us. We're not evil, the MM/MW's aren't evil, the wives aren't evil. For some reason or another, we have all found ourselves meeting special people who should have come to us in a different time, life, etc. but ended up here, right now...I also know though that people go into marriages for a lot of reasons and they aren't always about love. (for those who are saying, bb35 stop making more excuses, justification for being in this situation, I agree so I'll get back to my point) I don't think we're even going to know what is the whole truth between them and their spouse. (Not that I'm calling them liars but why would we be told anything that might a. hurt us more than they already are ('cause the good ones know they are) b. be the final straw for us? or c. none of the above/other reason)

 

What we should (not meaning to "should" all over myself) be holding out for is that person who is free to love us and us alone. I should be holding out for that person who is free to love me, who will love me enough & never do this to me.

 

Or maybe we should be thankful we don't have to put up with the crap of him scratching his bum or peeing on the floor in the bathroom instead of the toilet or the sitting around all day while we do all the housework, cooking, etc. I'd like to think that the definition of real love is about more than by sharing a house & housework with someone.

 

You know what's sick..Of course I do know better. Why on earth am I doing this? Someone else alluded to the fact that they didn't dream of this for themselves when they were a child. But here I am and I love him. He's so great in so many ways and I'll admit (because I'll honesty admit I have self-esteem issues (currently being worked on in therapy, (individual & group!)) I love who I am when I'm with him. I'm bb35 2.0 (or 9.0!) when I'm with him.

 

Yup, selfish, selfish, selfish....and love using ( ) marks....

[Guest1]

 

Yeah, it seems like we're all in an "unspecial" relationship.

 

I've read a few posts now, reading stories from a few of you and I'm just wondering how we can help each other take a step toward...dealing with maybe with what a/the real issue is, that we're too scared to admit that it, it seems like, it's boiling down to...yeah, I'm going to say it....that he's just not that into [us] ...'cause isn't that what we're all wondering? I sure am. If he was (that into me/divorced from the wife/never cheat on me), I wouldn't be here...right? Or is that it at all?

 

bb35,

 

I am starting to agree with this.It was only after finding out that my husband had been 'fooling around' for years with the same woman, that I realised how 'unspecial' our 10 year marriage was. And yes, I do think often, if he been that into me, he would never have lied to me, phoned his OW on family holidays, and come home an hour after fooling around in a car somewhere with her, to his lovely home-cooked meals.

 

I can't figure out if I'd prefer to be the wife who's not cheated on (because they love us so much that they can't even contemplate being with anyone other than us...of course this is the ideal situation)) or being the great & special person that I [am?] that he's breaking his vows for! ...or is it really just about the sex???? (No, I know that it's not just about sex. I mean, there is AMAZING sex but living with this crap day after day?) or what if it's only about using each other for whatever reason...??? Am I way off track here?

 

Well, I dunno...I don't always think that he breaks his vows 'cos the other person is so special ( no offence intended) but because they didn't take the vows very seriously ever!

 

For some reason or another, we have all found ourselves meeting special people who should have come to us in a different time, life, etc. but ended up here, right now...I also know though that people go into marriages for a lot of reasons and they aren't always about love.

 

And some people don't know how to love, that is in a mature way where you have to take the s*** with the good times.

 

What we should (not meaning to "should" all over myself) be holding out for is that person who is free to love us and us alone. I should be holding out for that person who is free to love me, who will love me enough & never do this to me.

 

Maybe you're right.

 

Or maybe we should be thankful we don't have to put up with the crap of him scratching his bum or peeing on the floor in the bathroom instead of the toilet or the sitting around all day while we do all the housework, cooking, etc. I'd like to think that the definition of real love is about more than by sharing a house & housework with someone.

 

Yes, but real love encompasses the downs as well as the ups. It is easy to love someone who is always happy, never stressed etc.

 

You know what's sick..Of course I do know better. Why on earth am I doing this? Someone else alluded to the fact that they didn't dream of this for themselves when they were a child. But here I am and I love him. He's so great in so many ways and I'll admit (because I'll honesty admit I have self-esteem issues (currently being worked on in therapy, (individual & group!)) I love who I am when I'm with him. I'm bb35 2.0 (or 9.0!) when I'm with him.

 

And the same can no doubt be said for him. Maybe we've all got self esteem issues. I didnt have before but I sure do now

[CeeJayXX]

I think all of our relationships are very special. I think bb35 said exactly what makes or relationships very special. To sum it up - we are the ones who see the MM at his best. No stress of everyday life (bills, housework, and all those every day issues that soak up our energy)..

 

When our relationship plays out with the MM the only part that exists is the "first love/date" syndrome we all feel. Every aspect of our relationship revolves around just the relation without outside influence. We have (robbed) the wife of the laughter and love in the relationship and left her with the bills and the kids to deal with while MM is out having a great time.

 

What I find interesting in our "special" relationships is that our MM is really not at all in control of himself or what goes on around him. The W is the controller of him. His A is just rebelling against the controlling forces at home. (The immature child wanting to take control of his own actions.)... Its very apparent in most of these threads.....if you can't call your MM it's because the W has found out and now she has control over the situation once again and will discipline as required. MM arent going to leave W's because the W is the one who keeps the family unit together through thick and thin....

 

So, back to the original statement "Special relationships".... We are the thieves in the night....the OW assists in the role playing of the "highschool first love" scenario....We dont walk away but instead we allow ourselves to be a part of it.

 

Know that as you are reading this...I am an OW and have been for over 3 years. I have the "special" relationship that I described above. I am in love with my MM very much but I have also denied the W a happy life which she worked so many years to perfect (until I came along).

[lovernotafighter]

I've been posting around saying my relationship with MM is special..and that he not I keeps throwing the divorce word out there..after reading so many posts of things I've heard I've decided to just see for my self if MM was for real or trying to play me.

 

as any one could guess he's playing me. I sent hima non-discript e-mail asking him for moving boxes and left it at that,so he'd ask what was going on. I told him I'm living a lie and divorcing my H.

 

I said well you mentioned wanting a divorce and we are in love and I can't live a lie..he say he loves his wife and can't leave her...maybe in a few years..pfft,as if.

 

thats all I wanted was the truth...why do men that stuff anyway? we had a understanding and he kept saying this crap to me..I shouldn't have tested him..but i need to know if my relationship was indeed 'special'...it's not.

[Seen_It_All]

You're getting all this 'marital' information from HIM, correct? That means you're only getting ONE SIDE OF THE STORY as to what's really going on with him and his wife - regardless of whether a 'friend' heard them arguing about divorce or not. Hearing them argue about it means squat, really.

 

So he's 'moved out' but spends most of his nights at his wife's house? Why? What can he do at night for the baby? Does he get up when the baby cries and breastfeed it? I just don't get the point.

 

I honestly don't believe for one solid SECOND that the only reason he's at her house almost every night is for a baby.

 

As someone else said very eloquently, filing for divorce and drawing up a custody agreement is standard stuff. Unless he's proven to be an unfit or abusive father, the courts are NOT going to deny him custody.

 

If he were to do this, he'd no longer be "held captive" at her house every night to see his kids. You know it, he knows, we all know it.

 

This is quite possibly the biggest bullsh*t story I've heard yet, and I've heard ALOT of them over the years from MM who want it ALL. The wife, kids, family AND the girl on the side who'll adore him and do anything for him.

 

You're 33 and wasting your LIFE on a guy whose taking advantage of BOTH of you. If you want that rosey future with a DECENT man you can marry and have children with, someone like this is NOT your man. Trust me. He's a lying weasel whose deserted his family and is playing you for everything you're worth.

 

Go out and find a respectable man with character, please.

[Walking away]

I've been posting around saying my relationship with MM is special..and that he not I keeps throwing the divorce word out there..after reading so many posts of things I've heard I've decided to just see for my self if MM was for real or trying to play me.

 

as any one could guess he's playing me. I sent hima non-discript e-mail asking him for moving boxes and left it at that,so he'd ask what was going on. I told him I'm living a lie and divorcing my H.

 

I said well you mentioned wanting a divorce and we are in love and I can't live a lie..he say he loves his wife and can't leave her...maybe in a few years..pfft,as if.

 

thats all I wanted was the truth...why do men that stuff anyway? we had a understanding and he kept saying this crap to me..I shouldn't have tested him..but i need to know if my relationship was indeed 'special'...it's not.

 

I am sorry for you. My MM, when given the opportunity to be with me, also said that he couldn't leave his wife right now. I heard the same words from my MM that you did. He was even planning our engagement party. How cruel. And even crueler was the false hope that he continued to feed me.

 

I have NO IDEA why they say these things to us and give us false hope...Perhaps they live in fantasyland and have taken us with them.

[lovernotafighter]

I am sorry for you. My MM, when given the opportunity to be with me, also said that he couldn't leave his wife right now. I heard the same words from my MM that you did. He was even planning our engagement party. How cruel. And even crueler was the false hope that he continued to feed me.

 

I have NO IDEA why they say these things to us and give us false hope...Perhaps they live in fantasyland and have taken us with them.

thank you so much I'm sorry to hear about your MM too. I wish we could just turn off our emotions like they seem to be able to.

 

I really don't get it with my MM,I didn't even want to talk about his marrige ever..he would bring it up over and over to the point I'd get pissed off...it doesn't make sense at all.

 

I feel bad testing him..I do.I'm just glad to know the truth..it's funny in a way because he says to me "you shouldn't wait for me,it would be wrong for me to ask you to" I told him well I won't,I'll be dating eventually. and I see it pissed him off to no end...but he just told me he loves and cares for his wife.

 

speaking of cruel he even tells me in this same conversation he should marry me because I'm perfect but I'll just want to leave him in 12 years just like my husband...what the hell.

 

so this is how I ended the convo...I told him the door is open for you,it's up to you to decide to step in or out,and thats all i'm going to say any further.

 

I think NC time is apon us...I'd like to try to be his friend..but that will be really hard.

[Walking away]

Yep. I have started NC. But, they always find a way to contact us. Mine has. Without going into details....he is still trying to keep me. Tells me he loves me and misses me. Apparently, he is having a hard time turning off the emotions, too. I don't think he is through with me yet....

 

Wierd...my MM said that I will probably leave him in 7 years...just like I did with my ex-husband. Are they brothers?

[lovernotafighter]

Yep. I have started NC. But, they always find a way to contact us. Mine has. Without going into details....he is still trying to keep me. Tells me he loves me and misses me. Apparently, he is having a hard time turning off the emotions, too. I don't think he is through with me yet....

 

Wierd...my MM said that I will probably leave him in 7 years...just like I did with my ex-husband. Are they brothers?

 

it's hard to start NC with my MM. see we work for the same company and whats worse is he is a supervisor there..he's never been my boss though we work on different shifts in different departments...but I'm right where he can find me if he ever wants to.

 

I think what you said is what they want to do..'keep us'. tell us things to make us feel for them. my test for him really wasn't a lie though I have talked with my H about divorce and we are going for disillusionment after we get or house together to sell...I just haven't been telling my MM all this till now...because I didn't want to 'lead' him on if I didn't end up getting a divorce you know?...now though I see that's exactly what he was trying to do to me...wow,it's just to asinine for words.

 

you know after what you have said perhaps they are brothers or maybe separated from birth? I don't know if you believe in astrology stuff but my MM is a Virgo and he's cut and dry and I thought pretty honest.

 

here's a statement for you..has your MM ever tried to make you believe no one could love you like him? my MM throws out comments like " most people wouldn't really care what you think or felt about things in our situation, but I do..I always have" I'll look at him like where in the hell did that come from? really it would come from left field...we could be talking about work and bam! something out the twilight zone will fly out of his mouth. lol!

[Walking away]

My MM used to tell me that I was "the whole package" which, of course, is true.(Yes, I am smiling...) He always told me that I will never find anyone to love me like him....If that is true, I am in alot of trouble...(Yes, I am smiling, again) My MM used to tell me all kinds of garbage about where we will go on our honeymoon, where we will have our engagement party, how much his kids and friends would adore me, blah, blah, blah. Said that we had a beautiful and special love....Where was I twenty years ago, or why couldn't he have met me in five years when his youngest was 18? My MM, however, was always emotionally agitated because he feared that some other man would come and sweep me off my feet. (Which I hope happens someday )

 

My MM is a Leo. I am a Virgo. So, I guess they aren't brothers. Perhaps cousins, then?

 

The thing is....and I keep holding on to this for dear life....We have a chance at a better future. Perhaps your marriage will not work. If it doesn't, there is hope for a better, brighter future for you. With these schmucks, what future do they have? The same old life in the same old marriage that obviously isn't working otherwise we wouldn't have existed....

[lovernotafighter]

well I have sort of a update..but honestly after being a member of this forum I think I'm going to choose not to believe this.

 

after my MM had the weekend to think and me to..I didn't even try to see him and like we said he tracked me down.anyway he told me he does love his wife but not in love with her stuff.(place eye roll here)

 

but then told me he wants to join me and tell him what I want him to do. I told him to do what he wants,but for him not me. so he said he has been thinking and is going talk to her 'W' (not mention me but tell her it's over) and his mother about staying with her in a few months so he can get his finances together.

 

I'm stunned but I'm not holding my breath..I wrote him a letter today telling him.I love him but he has to do whats right for him,with or with out me. because I think half of his motivation is I told him I'm getting a divorce and I'm not going to wait for him..that would be the wrong reason for him to leave.

 

we'll see what happens. but your so right WA,we would have never existed if life was perfect and I plan on moving on with or with out him..the choice is his...no demands on my part.I'll like to be his friend the door is open for that at least.

[Walking away]

My MM called me at work twice yesterday. Still telling me he loves me and regrets the mistakes he has made the past few weeks. (If you want a history of my life, read "He Told Her About Me.) Wishes he could change the way things are now, but that he can't change his mistakes now. I let him have it. All the anger came out. I mean all of it. Anyway, I told him exactly what I said on this thread....His marriage obviously wasn't working before he met me, otherwise, I wouldn't exist. I wished him luck in his marriage WITHOUT me. He started to cry.

 

You make your bed, you lie in it.

[lovernotafighter]

My MM called me at work twice yesterday. Still telling me he loves me and regrets the mistakes he has made the past few weeks. (If you want a history of my life, read "He Told Her About Me.) Wishes he could change the way things are now, but that he can't change his mistakes now. I let him have it. All the anger came out. I mean all of it. Anyway, I told him exactly what I said on this thread....His marriage obviously wasn't working before he met me, otherwise, I wouldn't exist. I wished him luck in his marriage WITHOUT me. He started to cry.

 

You make your bed, you lie in it.

our MM's are definatly cut from the same cloth WA.

 

I wrote my letter to him and his reply was like from a crazy person..it was rambling...quite different from the guy who talked to me at work..

 

he was apologising and saying he might not leave then the next paragraph explaining how he was go to..I think he's lost his mind.

 

so I wrote him and told him to talk to someone besides me about all this for one I won't sound like a friend I'll still be the OW no matter how sound my advice is and for two it's hurting me.

 

I don't blame you at all for letting him have it,I'm feeling like I want to unload on mine aswell...it's hard to sit back and take this stuff on the chin over and over again.

 

my MM did talk about how messed up his life is and I told him to read it again and ask what the hell is going on...like you said his marrige was ruined before I came along,he needs to decide for himself.

[officespace]

You're getting all this 'marital' information from HIM, correct? That means you're only getting ONE SIDE OF THE STORY as to what's really going on with him and his wife - regardless of whether a 'friend' heard them arguing about divorce or not. Hearing them argue about it means squat, really.

 

So he's 'moved out' but spends most of his nights at his wife's house? Why? What can he do at night for the baby? Does he get up when the baby cries and breastfeed it? I just don't get the point.

 

I honestly don't believe for one solid SECOND that the only reason he's at her house almost every night is for a baby.

 

As someone else said very eloquently, filing for divorce and drawing up a custody agreement is standard stuff. Unless he's proven to be an unfit or abusive father, the courts are NOT going to deny him custody.

 

If he were to do this, he'd no longer be "held captive" at her house every night to see his kids. You know it, he knows, we all know it.

 

This is quite possibly the biggest bullsh*t story I've heard yet, and I've heard ALOT of them over the years from MM who want it ALL. The wife, kids, family AND the girl on the side who'll adore him and do anything for him.

 

You're 33 and wasting your LIFE on a guy whose taking advantage of BOTH of you. If you want that rosey future with a DECENT man you can marry and have children with, someone like this is NOT your man. Trust me. He's a lying weasel whose deserted his family and is playing you for everything you're worth.

 

Go out and find a respectable man with character, please.

 

When I read your response, my heart started to pound because I know you are right. I wasn't raised like this. The fighting has really been increasing between us lately. I told his friends this weekend that no matter how I feel about him or no matter how great this "connection" supposedly is, come June, I am walking for good. That will be one year of waiting for him to get his s*** together. We have a trip planned to NYC in May. I turn 33 in May. By June, I am done. Although, at this point, I don't think I will even make it to May.

 

We had an argument Tuesday night. I knew he was fighting with he because he always seem to want to draw closer to me during those times. He told me he has been waiting for her to make the appointment with the divorce mediator. She got a name and number one month ago and then.....nothing. So he asked her if she made the appt and she said nothing. I told him she is not done yet and he admitted to it. I told him that he is being weak and immoral and hurting everyone in the process. He said he has hurt her so much in the past, he doesn't want to keep hurting her, and I guess by him taking the initiative to divorce, he thinks that is what will happen. Sounds like a selfish excuse to me to put in all on her. He said now he sees there will be all kinds of drama. I guess he was hoping for some amicable divorce. I told him to grow up and act like a man. I hit the roof. I told him not to talk to me about this stuff anymore; to go find some unbiased friend he can talk to. He got pissed. I don't care. I've had it. When we started out, he talked about how he had made so many mistakes in the past and that his moral choices were questionable, but that he wanted to be a better person, I make him want to be a better person. He said he wanted to restore his integrity and be a stand-up guy. I asked him where all that conviction went. I told him it all fell by the wayside. I said to him, "If you are this weak about just filing for divorce, how are you going to be if I get cancer, or if I am pregnant and being mean, for that matter?"

 

It's so sad to realize that this is not going to work out and that I have to walk away forever. We were platonic friends for almost 5 years before this thing started, so I also lose a great friend. I am 33 and I have to start all over, looking again. I know I can go one week, two weeks without seeing him. It's the long haul that scares me. He will step up the pressure. I dread the day we exchange house keys and I have to collect my things.

 

He is the love of my life, but even so, I am simply not willing to give up my life-long dream of marriage and children for anyone. It's so selfish of him to do this to me, and her. He is so damned selfish. I have lost respect for him. He started off with such conviction to do the right thing, and over time, that has faded away. I am preparing myself to say goodbye. I have a huge suspicion that I will be spending my birthday alone in NYC. Oh well. I have survived worse, I suppose.

[officespace]

My MM used to tell me that I was "the whole package" which, of course, is true.(Yes, I am smiling...) He always told me that I will never find anyone to love me like him....If that is true, I am in alot of trouble...(Yes, I am smiling, again) My MM used to tell me all kinds of garbage about where we will go on our honeymoon, where we will have our engagement party, how much his kids and friends would adore me, blah, blah, blah. Said that we had a beautiful and special love....Where was I twenty years ago, or why couldn't he have met me in five years when his youngest was 18? My MM, however, was always emotionally agitated because he feared that some other man would come and sweep me off my feet. (Which I hope happens someday )

 

My MM is a Leo. I am a Virgo. So, I guess they aren't brothers. Perhaps cousins, then?

 

The thing is....and I keep holding on to this for dear life....We have a chance at a better future. Perhaps your marriage will not work. If it doesn't, there is hope for a better, brighter future for you. With these schmucks, what future do they have? The same old life in the same old marriage that obviously isn't working otherwise we wouldn't have existed....

 

OMG!!! The stuff you said your MM said about you. Wow. Almost identical to what he said/says to me. Where were you when I was looking? I cannot live without you in my life. I know without a doubt you are the woman I have been looking for my whole life. I want a life with you. My dad is going to love you. you and my sister are going to get along so well. I want to have a baby with you (he has mentioned this at least 4 times). Let's discuss baby names. I wonder what you will look like when you are old. When we get thru this, we are gonna be rock solid. God, I am so angry!

 

The trouble is....I really believed all this crap because of the friendship we had for 5 years before getting romantically involved. From the first day I met him, he complained about his marriage and how he only married her because she was pregnant and her travel visa expired. He always said he married her to solve a problem, not because he loved her. I believed that before, but the closer he gets to divorce, the more contemplative he is about her. For the first time a few months ago, he said part of him is still in love with her. That is honest to God the first time I have ever heard him say that in the 5+ years I have known him.

 

OMG, I can't believe this guy who was such a close friend of mine is just a run-of-the-mill scum like the rest of them. How sad.

[For You I Will]

OMG!!! The stuff you said your MM said about you. Wow. Almost identical to what he said/says to me. Where were you when I was looking? I cannot live without you in my life. I know without a doubt you are the woman I have been looking for my whole life. I want a life with you. My dad is going to love you. you and my sister are going to get along so well. I want to have a baby with you (he has mentioned this at least 4 times). Let's discuss baby names. I wonder what you will look like when you are old. When we get thru this, we are gonna be rock solid. God, I am so angry!

 

I just would like to know.. how long were you & your MM together before he was saying all this nice stuff??

[lovernotafighter]

OMG!!! The stuff you said your MM said about you. Wow. Almost identical to what he said/says to me. Where were you when I was looking? I cannot live without you in my life. I know without a doubt you are the woman I have been looking for my whole life. I want a life with you. My dad is going to love you. you and my sister are going to get along so well. I want to have a baby with you (he has mentioned this at least 4 times). Let's discuss baby names. I wonder what you will look like when you are old. When we get thru this, we are gonna be rock solid. God, I am so angry!

 

thats the thing that sucks,we all want to believe our MM's because we love them.

 

I know I'm so glad I found thins site because I believe my MM less and less everyday..this place has made me realize it's the same old song and dance.

[Walking away]

I think part of the problem with these MM is that they are living a fantasy with us. When reality hits, however, they see the full brunt of what their indescretion means to the real world. Loss of friends, family, support, money...and the list goes on and on. And, then, when they wake up from the fantasy...they back track. They still care about us....they are just unwilling to give up so much.

 

I think some of these MM have to be some of the most miserable people on the face of the earth. It must be exhausting living two different lives. And, I am sure that if they REALLY care about us, it is hard being split in two emotionally also.