Prim&proper Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 months now (we dated in November, but became exclusive in January). The thing is I think we are going too fast. He's told me he loves me already. We spend a lot of time together (practically everyday) and I've met all of his family. Things feel very right and he's mainly driving the relationship to go fast, which is fine with me because i have a history of going very fast in a relationship. Everything feels very right and I love him very much and he loves me very much, but I am worried that things that start so fast will fizzle very fast. A little info about us: I am 30, he is in his mid-30s. We are both divorced professionals. Let me know your thoughts. Do relationships that start very fast always ends fast? And is there a normal time frame for how relationships should progress?
thegoodhubbie Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 on what works for you. The wife and I met in August, I met her son two weeks later, we moved in together in October of the same year, and were married a year later. We now have another child and a house, all in 4 years. If you will read my posts, you will see we are pretty darn happy. Obviously there were some major bumps along the way, and it has been a VERY eventful four years, but we love each other and have always been able to work things out because we want this to work. Hope I helped some. Good luck to you!
flavius Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Fast is relative to age. 2.5 mo is very short for a teenager, no big deal for grown ups. Just make sure the basic facts are right -- he is who he presents himself to be,etc. Might need to be deliberate aboout learning these things. Don't count on his family to tell you everything
Author Prim&proper Posted March 14, 2006 Author Posted March 14, 2006 Goodhubbie, thanks for your post. I just want to know that things that move this fast do work out. Flavius, I think you are right, but i trust him completely. I think he is who he presents himself to me and vice versa. I guess I was just worried because the last relationship where I had a man tell me he loves me within 2 week ended really badly. Of course, the guy was a commitmentphobe and woke up one day and panicked, but that still have left me a bit cautious.
Elyssa Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Amazingly enough, I agree with flavius on this one. And if you want scary fast: my husband and I got engaged within hours of meeting in person. (after a couple years of online friendship, that is) 4 years together and going strong For adults of this age, a couple months are usually more than enough to know if you're serious about a relationship with somebody or not. -E
flavius Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Yeah, me & Mrs flav were only 18 & 21 when we met in December. engaged in May, married in December. 21 yrs ago. It's hard for me to be scared of a fast fall. We were young, but we had about 100% overlap of values. Thanks, Elyssa, for leaving me a few shreds of skin on this one.
kitten chick Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 A little info about us: I am 30, he is in his mid-30s. We are both divorced professionals. This is what makes me think its going kind of fast. Dating when you're older is a lot different than dating when you're younger. There is a lot more baggage being carried around then when you're 10 or 20 or 22 and you still have to find out if you have a matching set. Anything's possible but the reality is that you don't know yet.
blind_otter Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Being that the OP described a previous experience that begin similarly but ended badly, I would advise that you make sure you are not repeating history. agree with kc - there usually is more baggage at this age. i would be careful.
flavius Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Just when it was looking simple... matching set of baggage?? :laugh: :lmao:
kitten chick Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 btw, that was supposed to be 18 not 10 i would imagine that dating at 10 was pretty easy though.
blind_otter Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 yes, you WISH it were that simple, flavalicious. I'm dating a 35 year old divorced dude. I'm divorced as well. First of all there's the whole dealing with the ex, any children, reasons why marriages broke up.... I had a BF right after I divorced, our whole relationship was about b!tching about our respectivex's. Miserable rebounds I call them. Not that this is what has happened with this relationship. But my God, how brave to be able to committ so quickly after doing so with the intention of it being "forever" in a previous marriage, only to have that illusion ripped away with the divorce.
Author Prim&proper Posted March 14, 2006 Author Posted March 14, 2006 Being that the OP described a previous experience that begin similarly but ended badly, I would advise that you make sure you are not repeating history. agree with kc - there usually is more baggage at this age. i would be careful. Thanks Otter. the experience with the ex is completely different. I had just gotten out of the divorce at the time and things were okay, but i worried about the future with the ex (didn't think he would make a great hubby or father). Then one day, he just wanted to break up saying that he was commitment-phobic and was having panic attacks near me. Of course, I should have saw the signs (never married and the longest relationship was 1 year and but it was on and off). As for the new bf, I can see a future with him. I think he would make a great hubby and father. No signs of commitment-phobia as he was married before and seems to be able to sustain a relationship and be committed. I guess I'm just concerned because things are progressing really fast, that I'm afraid the rug may get pulled under me. But it seems so right. As for baggage, who doesn't have baggage, but in both of our divorces, we have no children and we were the ones to call it quits.
kitten chick Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 As for baggage, who doesn't have baggage... 18-21 year olds. I'm sure the people here that shared their stories had the best intentions but it really is different when you're older. Instead of growing together you've grown on your own and have to come together. This may be the real deal or it may burn out. You won't really know. You have to decide if it's worth it to you to take the risk.
Citizen Erased Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 i would imagine that dating at 10 was pretty easy though. :lmao:
Guest Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Yep, I'd slow down. You'll get (and have gotten) the anecdotal tales about two people who met and within minutes KNEW and lived happily ever after. It happens sometimes but you'll find many more tales of hasty relationships in which one or the other person then found out they'd landed a very bad deal indeed. Some people with serious flaws try to hustle people into marrying them before they find out the flaws (which always takes more than a couple of months). There's no reason on the planet why two people who claim to love each other can't wait a year or so to make lifetime decisions like whether to marry. You're no more immune to the biochemistry of love than is an 18-year-old just because you're older.
flavius Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Oh yes she is. And if anyone hasn't learned to temper their momentary flares of infatuation by age 30, there's NO advice that will help them. But Guest is still wise in this, nobody can fool you like you can fool yourself. By slow down do you mean not care as much? Not feel as much? Or are you talking my language: Don't get naked, don't mingle your funds, don't move in together, etc? I say feel everything, experience it all, be vulnerable...but don't be immoral, don't be financially stupid, and don't entangle yourself legally (i.e., lease). That's the Flav-ster. Old fashioned but it works and keeps things clean if it doesn't work out.
Sunfisher Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I want to know to the people who responded to this original post who said they met their mates and married them shortly after meeting (and are happily married)- what are you doing on Loveshack if you're so happily married???? Just curious.
flavius Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 That would be me. I just like brain-surfing. There are really some fascinating thinkers on here, communicating in a very condensed manner. When I have some time I like to get on and spout opinions and provoke people to say brilliant things. I'm usually bragging about my traditional-but-flaming-hot marriage to illustrate that one can be pro-morality and pro-sexuality. LoveShack is a great little intellectual marketplace, and I am but a wee voice among hundreds. Traditional wisdom is a post-modern world. It appears to me that the happily-marrieds and the restless-singles on LS are doing pretty much the same things as me. I'm not trolling for action, if that's what you are wondering. Click on my name, read my posts, you'll see what I say. Thanks for asking. i'm not sure anyone has ever asked me something like that.
Elyssa Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I want to know to the people who responded to this original post who said they met their mates and married them shortly after meeting (and are happily married)- what are you doing on Loveshack if you're so happily married???? Just curious. Hm, I suppose I qualify too. Actually, I'm on Loveshack because it is interesting to read people's experiences and I like offering my point of view when I think it might help. -E
No Stress Lady Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 months now (we dated in November, but became exclusive in January). The thing is I think we are going too fast. He's told me he loves me already. We spend a lot of time together (practically everyday) and I've met all of his family. Things feel very right and he's mainly driving the relationship to go fast, which is fine with me because i have a history of going very fast in a relationship. Everything feels very right and I love him very much and he loves me very much, but I am worried that things that start so fast will fizzle very fast. A little info about us: I am 30, he is in his mid-30s. We are both divorced professionals. Let me know your thoughts. Do relationships that start very fast always ends fast? And is there a normal time frame for how relationships should progress? There's no "normal" timeframe but I think that as two divorcees you really should not be rushing at all - what do you mean exactly by "going too fast" - do you mean making wedding plans already? You say that you have a history of rushing into relationships/progressing them quickly - maybe you need to take time to get to know yourself more. I responded to your other post about your anxiety about your boyfriend being away on business for a few weeks: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83989/ from reading that thread I'd say you've become very dependent on him very quickly. What's the rush from his pespective? You say he's the one driving the relationship - in what ways do you feel he's "rushing" things? Things going fast doesn't necessarily mean they'll burn out but if you're meant to be you should be able to have some control over the pace of things too - it shouldn't just be him setting the pace and you just rushing along with him with no idea where you're heading..............if he takes a sudden detour it's going to hurt so maybe you need to slow things down if you feel things are moving too fast..........it's obviously a concern for you.....
thegoodhubbie Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I want to know to the people who responded to this original post who said they met their mates and married them shortly after meeting (and are happily married)- what are you doing on Loveshack if you're so happily married???? Just curious. 1. Boredom at work 2. Sincere desire to try and help others. 3. Exposure to diverse opinions on a variety of topics that I normally wouldn't be exposed to. 4. Curiosity. So there, Mr. Smarty Pants
Author Prim&proper Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 There's no "normal" timeframe but I think that as two divorcees you really should not be rushing at all - what do you mean exactly by "going too fast" - do you mean making wedding plans already? You say that you have a history of rushing into relationships/progressing them quickly - maybe you need to take time to get to know yourself more. I responded to your other post about your anxiety about your boyfriend being away on business for a few weeks: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83989/ from reading that thread I'd say you've become very dependent on him very quickly. What's the rush from his pespective? You say he's the one driving the relationship - in what ways do you feel he's "rushing" things? Things going fast doesn't necessarily mean they'll burn out but if you're meant to be you should be able to have some control over the pace of things too - it shouldn't just be him setting the pace and you just rushing along with him with no idea where you're heading..............if he takes a sudden detour it's going to hurt so maybe you need to slow things down if you feel things are moving too fast..........it's obviously a concern for you..... Thanks No Stress for responding. Actually, I have not become dependent upon him. That post was about dealing with being with someone who leaves for a long periods of time for business and the act of missing them. My worry with him leaving for so long was that I couldn't deal with it, not because i'm too dependent, but because I just can't deal with having a bf who will be half way across the world for long periods of time. Because I am pondering how people deal with such relationship doesn't equate to being dependent upon him. In fact, the opposite is true. Though he and I see each other every day, we have very busy lives. We both have high stress demanding jobs where we do work a lot and I know a lot of people so making time for everyone can be difficult. As for moving fast, we've been together for less than 3 months and I've met his parents (who lives across the country), we spend every day together, and he's offered me a key to his place. I feel like that is very fast, though everything feels so right. As for his perspective, i think he thinks that everything feels right. I don't think there is anything in his closet and I do think he's been very honest and truthful. But sometimes I feel as if we are going so fast, but i really don't know what is considered normal. And as mentioned we are not 18, so it's not like we have all the time in the world. I only have a limited child-bearing time left.
Recommended Posts