New member looking for some guidance

[hihoslva]

Hello all - glad to find this forum. Please excuse my long first post - and thanks for those who will read it and respond.

 

My wife and I recently separated after 3-1/2 years of marriage. Not a legal separation - she simply moved out. After I moved to a hotel for a week, she decided to get her own place. We have been apart for about 2 weeks now.

 

Our problems stem (mostly) from my issues of control. I'm a bit overbearing, and I know it.

 

My wife and I met when we were kids (me, 17. Her, 14). We dated for over a year, then broke up over infidelity issues. Kid stuff, really.

 

We were apart for 8 years or so, but never lost touch completely. We began dating again in 1999, and married in 2002.

 

Unfortunately, our relationship "roles" never changed much from the time we were kids. I "father" her quite a bit. I try to be the strong, smart, leader-type. Now that she's 29 years old, she's tired of being told how to think and act - and she's right. I fully admit my faults, and I'm working hard to change them, including professional counseling.

 

Part of this revolution in her attitude stems from a new job - she finally has a position of big responsibility and great money. In fact, she's the only steady income in our house - I own my own business that is just getting started, and hasn't made much money yet. She supports us financially - and quite well.

 

Is it any wonder she gets pissed when I irrationally get upset over some of her spending? She's making the money, all our bills are paid without a problem, we save 10% of her after-tax income - plus she has a 401k, yet I have (had) this overwhelming fear of "not making it" and always wanting to save more. I was nuts about it - like arguing with her over a $5 expenditure that I deemed "unnecessary".

 

While we have other problems stemming from my control issues, money is by far the biggest one. We barely ever took vacations or ventured out anywhere - mostly because I didn't want to. Both because of spending, and in my own self-absorbed way I wouldn't have a good time. I find it hard to "cut loose" and release my tension and anxiety.

 

In many ways, she was right to leave me.

 

However, although she actually filed for divorce, she has relented. She knows we love each other deeply and deserve a chance to fix things. We are working on it, and she is cancelling the divorce filing.

 

For my part, I have become a very new person. In fact, I'm more relaxed and feel better personally than I have in a long time. Releasing my death grip and relinquishing control of those things I cannot change has made me feel fantastic - even as my marriage suffers greatly right now. My wife is living on her own, yet I feel better - about myself - than I have in years.

 

Our marriage is better for it - though not fixed yet. We are getting along great right now. We spend time together - kinda like "dating". We don't argue. She sees the change in me, and has told me so (without me dragging it out of her). I helped her move, gave her whatever furniture she wanted from our house, and do not smother her or beg her to come back.

 

She hasn't made any money demands. In fact, she agreed to keep our joint bank account for now, with her paycheck direct-depositing into it. We agreed that worrying about money and division of it is the last thing we need right now, and we trust each other not to do stupid things, as we have no aggression toward one another. We transferred a big chunk of cash from a savings account into our checking account, and we will both live out of it for the time being as normal.

 

It's nice to work together like that.

 

I want her back home in the worst way. This past weekend, we took a trip together to a little bed & breakfast and had a marvelous time. It really was wonderful and rekindled a lot of our love for one another. She even considered not moving out, but decided that time apart would be good for us. I can't say I agree 100%, but at this point in my life I know I cannot stop her or control her, so I helped any way I could.

 

I'm really liking the new me. I've got renewed enthusiasm to live life. I want to enjoy places and things and not always be so hung up about money and other issues. If my wife comes back to me, I want us to "date" at least once a week. And we already talked about vacations; that we can put vacation expenses on a credit card, and when it's paid off, we go again. Perfect!! Under that plan, we could have a nice weekend getaway like we just did at least every two months, if not more often than that. I love these ideas.

 

I guess I should also mention that we are still making love - and that the sex has been better than ever before. I mean, like a major improvement for both of us. Since feeling like I've got nothing left to lose, I've just "gone for it" in what may be "inappropriate" ways for "dating" couples. But she loves it. I've whispered nasty things in her ear, and opened up our sexual experience in the bedroom, and she can't get enough (neither can I). I've become the man she always wanted in the bedroom.

 

Funny - she hates my dominance of our relationship, yet loves it sexually. And I've always been dominant in our relationship, and rather timid sexually. Ironic, huh?

 

I am also doing lots of little things to show her that I am changing and love her deeply. Yesterday I did a full brake-job on her vehicle (romantic, eh?). But I also had it washed, and replaced her CD wallet (on the visor) which was in bad shape. I bought her a plant for her apartment. One of her cable outlets in her place wasn't working, so I bought her the part to fix it (she'd probably rather fix it herself than have me do it). I knew she had no tools, so in the bag with the part was also the tools she needed.

 

When she comes back to our home for whatever reason, I make sure it is clean, and that our two cats are well cared-for. Dishes washed, bed made, all that.

 

I think it's working. We're falling in love all over again.

 

I'm looking for some further advice. Things to do to win her back. Things I can continue to do, assuming she moves back home. Things that will make our marriage stronger, not just fool her into coming back to the "same old crap". I know we can "keep it fresh" and fun.

 

I suppose most of this post was just some background and venting. thanks to those who read the whole thing, and to those who have any constructive things to say. I look forward to reading some unbiased analyses of my current situation.

[footinthemouth]

It sounds like your doing the right thing. Everything seems to going great for both of you. Just keep it up and enjoy your time together. Realize that you are a different person, for yourself and not for her. Feel good about yourself and she'll feel good around you.

 

Peace

[climbergirl]

I agree...........great post!!

 

In fact, you seem to answer all your own questions. Periodically, pull out this post and re-read it to keep you (and your marriage) on track.

[prfrogkisser]

I have to agree with everyone that you are doing pretty well on your own. I guess you just needed our reasurance. Be positive dont loose faith in your future relationship.

 

I have to recommend a book that is excellent.

 

Light her fire: How to ignite passion, joy and excitement in the woman you love by Ellen Kreidman. I read light his fire and it helped me a lot.

 

Good luck

[hihoslva]

Thanks for the encouraging words.

 

I think that the insecurity of our future is what's getting to me a little.......

 

I mean, she's moved out. Even though things are going well, she still feels like she needs to "figure things out". As long as she's not here, things feel screwed up.

 

I'm not pushing. Since our "breakup" almost 2 weeks ago, we've only gone one full day without speaking to one another. Today looks like it will be number two. I've vowed not to call or email her. I've got plenty of "excuses" I could use; I'd love to know if she was able to get her cable working with the part I gave her. I want to check and make sure her brakes are functioning properly now, too.

 

But I haven't spoken to her at all today. Our only contact has been two emails she sent me from work - but they are the "bulk" email-type stuff; joke pages, etc. I'm just on her list of people to send that junk to. I haven't responded to them, as they don't really warrant a reply.

 

Patience is very tough. Especially knowing that there's always a chance she'll come to like being alone, and not want to come home to me. That she'll decide that we should stay separated for good, even though we love each other very much.

 

For the record, I've read a lot of posts where the "signs" of an affair are presented, and she's exibited a few. Moving out, "I need some space & time to think", and in the beginning of our split she said "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you", etc. I did confront her about a possible affair, and she denies any infidelity; she says she's only thought of it as a possible repercussion down the road had our bad marriage continued. I believe her - I don't think she's lying. Besides, I believe she's falling in love with me again now. We're just getting along so well.

 

That's why the separation is tough. We've spent more time together recently than any separated people I know...... It's a little bass ackwards, if you get my drift.

 

All I have now is hope. With any luck, we will start seeking counseling and/or other alternatives to fixing our marriage soon. I wish I could keep busier - that's part of her pain-management technique. She keeps busy so she won't feel so lonely without me. Nights are tough for me - it's boring and lonely without her here. Even when I go to see friends, neighbors, etc. - I still wish she was there with me.

 

Guess I'll be hanging around here once in a while to pass the time .

[footinthemouth]

Dude you said it yourself My wife is living on her own, yet I feel better - about myself - than I have in years. Don't think about the future, it's more important in the present. Go about your day to day life and if she doesn't contact you in a few days then give her a shout just to see if everything is okay with her. If you lover her then you can let her be free. This is a great place to understand interactions with couples, and learn from it. As for the possible affair thing, don't even think about it, it will drive you crazy, just take her truth, and if it is a lie the truth always comes out. Fix yourself first then you can start fixing the marriage, and it seems pretty evident that you're going in the right direction with yourself.