Guest Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 hello. its been a very hard day for me today. seems everyday lately is hard. my partner and i have been together for 3 years. when we met i was with someone else. her and i started dating and ended up falling in love when i was in my last relationship. (4years). after i ended the relationship with my first partner the new woman and i started dating officialy a few months later. a year after that she proposed to me and we got married. (it was her first serious relationship). she was the one that persued me and 'couldnt live without me' in the start of it all.... we have been married now for a year and a half. we have always had this sort of love hate relationship. we used to fight a lot. we dont as much i thought we were moving towards a more healthy place. before- it was always very passionate. she has in the past cheated on me (with a woman from work). i have tried to move past that and forgave her. we are both young. 24 her and 28 myself. she works days - i work nights. she works 60hrs - i work 40. she has told me that she needs space. this happened after i had expressed more of a need for intamicy with her because she works about 60hrs a week. i have often expressed a need for us to create more of a balance in our life. she thinks because i dont work as much as her i am ungrateful to her contributions to our life. she resents money she puts into the marriage. i have never asked for anything from her. she has told me she feels that; i am too needy, too dependent, and thinks i will set her back in life. she says she is not sure of us and wants to work on herself before she can focus on our marriage. we are living in separate rooms. because she told me she 'wanted a separate life and room'. she demanded i pick a room to live in. so now i am living in our office. she then told me she only told me that to make me give her space (WTF). i never had a problem giving her space i just told her i thought we should adress the issues in our marriage. at this point i dont think i can live like this anymore and am looking for a place. staying with her is making me feel disrespected and empty. i have been to a therapist and the person i spoke to told me that i sounded very self sufficent and that my partner sounded confused. i agree. i just dont understand why someone would ask another person to marry them and not be sure. i really thought we would be together forever. i still love her so so much. i dont understand. all i ever wanted to do is love and support her. to me it feels like once we got married she lost interest. she has told me love is not enough. i feel crushed. i am finding it hard to focus on my job and get the separation on the go. i know i need to get out of here as this situation is not healthy for me -however i feel sick when i think about leaving our home and dealing with divorce. she is asking me to do things with her once in a while, like watch movies and stuff. that is painful for me and i find it confusing. on one hand she is seperating all our stuff on the other she wants my company. its so much pain.
pacificdove Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Hello Guest, I know how that feels..... I'm so sorry.... As much as it hurts, hang in there with her. Your presence is worth more than just words. I thought being apart will sustain any love and lost mine because I wasn't thinking right. If you love them, don't leave, bear with it and fight for it! I love mine, but can't fight because he 'replaced' me abruptly. I had no second chance to even think.... YOU have a chance. Hang in there and reach out to her even if she doesnt reciprocate. In the long run....I think you'll come out a winner. Just remember, if you love her, then STAY and fight!
tikigods Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Its sounds to me that you meet a young girl that has never had a real relationship before who got sucked into a whirl wind romance, and now is waking up out of the honeymoon period and finding herself married and confused. When is love not enough? Well its never "enough" relationships need to be built on mroe then love in order to survive, and when one person doesn't feel the love anymore then the other can't force it on them. Now if you truly love her, and want things to work out with her, I would suggest that you let her do what she feels like she needs to do right now, Stand with No Contact, that way she can't claim that you are still smoothering her and whatnot, and if she finds that there is still the love there then she will come back, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.
kypepeo Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Hey, I know it’s tough situation loving someone and yet that doesn’t seem to be enough. There are several things you need to consider. Your wife has never been in a long term relationship. Why is that? Seems like she has a problem connecting. By that, I mean that she has a problem letting people into her life. She must love you otherwise she wouldn’t have married you but she also doesn’t know how to share her life with you. She doesn’t seem to know or want to be one with you. She’s avoided doing that all her life and here she is in a marriage where it’s expected of her so obviously the way she deals with it is to push you away. That’s where you need to begin. Find out what makes her so relationship-phobic. Find out why it’s so important for her to maintain her emotional independence. Maybe she’s afraid of being hurt or something, maybe it’s a trust issue. It needs to be resolved. Secondly, remember that marriage is sacred. You have to give it your all and fight for it. However, it also takes two to make marriage work. I was with someone who sucked all the life out of me. It was so difficult being with him and I knew that I had to leave otherwise being with him would destroy me. I still loved him and wanted to fight his demons with him but I realised that my staying was keeping him the way he was. He had no reason to change because I took all his crap. I left and now he’s finally coming around, admitting that he has issues. You are right, you do have to get away from what this relationship is doing to you but let her know before what you feel for her and how you feel about the situation. Let her know that you love her but it’s killing you to stay. You have some tough steps to take. All the best
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