What's Really Holding Back Your Recovery?

[riobikini]

Some of us move through the stages pretty naturally, albeit, sometimes not so smoothly, nor gracefully.

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

Just asking.

 

-Rio

[trone]

Rio,

 

Firstofall I was supposed to be NC with LS, but I could not keep it. I am not doing well. But if I need to answer your questions:

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

In my mind, I am always in contact with her! Apart from that, we work at the same institution but different campuses. Whenever I go to her campus for business, I either see her or her car which is not helping me at all.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

I always think about her and sometimes dream about her too. I keep questionsing what is really in her mind.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

I victimize myself bec of all the efforts that I made for a mentally unhealthy person who I was truly in love with. I am afraid to fall in love and put too mucheffort for anyone now.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

I am living far far away from home but have lots of friends around. Couple of them are good listeners. I believe I have enough people to talk to.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Work is really exhausting, I feel so tired to even go to gym. I am going out frequently with friends but each time I feel like I am not supposed to be there and think about the good times that I had with my ex. I do not even call back the girls that asked me out. I do not think that I am ready for any kind of relationship. I wish I could fall in love with someone at first sight the way I did with her.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

I was in therapy, 5-6 sessions then my therapist said that I do not need to go anymore as long as I really feel like. She thinks my ex had more issues that i can even think and imagine and I should just move on. I am now back again, hope it helps

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break.

 

and this SUCKS! just 3,5 months long relationship and I am still in pain after 6 months after the break up. I broke up with my ex of 7 years but I did not feel in pain that long.

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

She is an angel, really a good person but lots of issues that she cant control. After our break up, she told me that she cant see me for a long time and that was it. She acts weird if we walk by each other at work and does not accept any kind of communication. This hurts bec I do not want to break her hurt. I truly believe that she is a great person and want really to help. Many people have told me during our relationship that if I marry, my life will be like hell because of her problems. I also understand it as I remember the days that she had issues but cant convince myself to forget about her.

 

I am totally lost. I want to get over this. Ups and downs and I am tired of it.

[2020vision]

I was with my ex for two and half years. We moved in together after a year and a half. Things were amazing, then he started pulling the usual bs that a man pulls when you get too close and in his opinion, too comfortable. He went out all the time with his friends, including friends that were girls. We would fight regularly, until I decided to call it a day. So, I guess you could say that he forced me to dump him. I made the very hard decision, to move out and move on with my life. It has been a little over four months. I am doing pretty well-however, I am plagued by a few things. What has halted my "recovery"?-I have only started no contact with him 3 weeks ago. It has made it easier on me, but I am still going practically insane over one thing. He has a new gf who he met while we were still together. It was one of those friends he hung out with when we were breaking up. OUCH. And, to pour salt on the wound he has just moved in with her only a little over a mile from my own apartment. I torture myself by driving by there place on my way home from work almost everyday. I know its unhealthy because everytime I drive by I see their place together. This brings me to number two, I am sure i would be over him also if he would stop contacting me. Just last week he contacted me and told me he misses me and loves me. It has taken a few days to cope,but I thank God I did not respond to him other than to tell him "no more contact please" and just chalked it up to the saying "old habits die hard". I am almost over this whole thing, but it just hurts so bad that he is telling me he loves me and to know that he would go home to her every day. Why did he tell me he loves me if he is so happy with her that he moved in with her?? I remember when we moved in together and it was because we were so unbelievably happy that we did not want one second away from eachother. Why would he torture me like this if is so happy with her now?? It is a huge step to move in with someone. Those are the only remaining thoughts that plague me everyday. I am trying my hardest to block them out.

 

I have wonderful friends who I have been able to lean on throughout this break up. Without them, I do not know where I would be right now. Also, I owe a lot of gratitude and many thank yous to this website and people like you. Thank you Rio.

[jerbear]

Some of us move through the stages pretty naturally, albeit, sometimes not so smoothly, nor gracefully.

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

My focus and goal now is get my grad degree, so I'm on hold sorta

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Yes, we talk to each other on the phone every other day.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Still think about her and have dreams; dry & wet ones

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

not anymore

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

yes, many are my closests friends, 20 yrs plus, close and afar

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Graduate school and talking to that red head in class, that shot me down twice in one attempt! Somewhat humiliating

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

out grew that from prior relationships

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

Just asking.

 

-Rio

 

Known her for 5 years, met her in school, we almost kiss, scheduled dates only to cancel. I told her I was the one for her and she didn't feel it. I gave her two options, left pocket was ending everything without malice. right pocket was a diamond ring saying I meant business.

 

Malice as in if our paths cross again, I would not hurt her or her business but would still deny the deal. We won't talk and if we did talk, it better be good.

 

Had more than two (cancelled) big dates (plus smaller ones) where she would meet one of her idols on tv. I still went, had lunch, and she got a book signed by her idol. Her finance buddies were envious. Scheduled a date with her to NYC to see a play for Chinese New Years Gala, she said yes only to cancel telling me she wants to work it out with her exBF. 30 minutes before agreeing the NYC date, she wanted to take a nap with me.

 

exBF not for her, but that is another thread.

 

She started to see someone yet kept me around, I was upset, I told her how I felt and walked away. Break of about 3 months, she started NC and broke NC within 24 hours, blew her off for 24 hours, I helped her because it affected her business and livelyhood, then I put her back in NC. None of her close friends know that we have shared the same bed; sexual tension, she flaunted; I chased. when asked what I wanted for christmas, I said her; she didn't rebuff or put me in my place. One of her close friends intervened and talked to her about us two. I didn't know about it. Her friends knew something was between us but never wanted to say a thing. She told me that she talked to her about the guy she needs is in front of her and was about to walk away. The guy she is with / playing with her is playing and not for her.

 

She calls 30 days later; I rejected her friendship/platonic offer, calls back next day saying hi, calls back day after promising not to cross the line, breaks up with exBF & some acquantices.

 

She calls two fridays ago calling me by my pet name, "jerbear, happy friday" and once "barbie doll calling jerbear" after these issues. Now thanks me, says she appreciates me and still feels stressed etc.. but wants me to finish my degree.

 

Once she said I would exceed her because of my determination, alpha tendencies, passion, (money is not my first passion), having failed before, college and graduate education, background, and ideals. First in my family to obtain a college and Ivy graduate degree of all things.

 

What I did was me standing up, pushing boundaries, knowing myself, and willing to push and fail, took the safety blanket away, willing to put a bet, willing to fight, assert myself and put a stand, being the "real jerbear" and not a teddy bear

 

Asking for a yeah or nay and backing my words with actions and a diamond ring. She has never seen me make a plan and execute it swiftly.

 

Even with the phone chats, I'm still willing to let it all go. She thinks she has multiple options only that it leads to two, date me or end the relationship; & never to hear from me again (ZC not NC)

[AltplanB]

i have a very simlar situation as trone just that it was for a year. She moved on immediately and started going downhill by sleeping around and getting drunk and stuff. Her life went downhill after her dad died while we together and instead after she changed to not find me to be the type of guy she wanted. its been near 5 months now.

[serial muse]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Yes, sad to say, I do this. Although we're in NC, I haven't let go completely because I do watch his activities online. And honestly, LS contributes to keeping these thoughts fresh. But LS also helps when my friends get tired of hearing the same old same old.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Not really. I haven't really blamed him. I don't know whether this is healthy or not; I thought at first perhaps I was just being mature and feeling my feelings (love, not hate). But oddly, I think being "mature" in this way isn't helping me move on because instead of thinking negative things about him, I only think positive ones. I still feel a sense of loyalty, both to him and to my own feelings, that stops me from going down that road. I don't wantto be angry.

 

He doesn't apparently have that problem. And he's moving on, I guess.

 

So I don't know. It's working for him. Perhaps being really angry and blaming him for a bit is what I need to do now to break free...

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Yes, lots. It helps. I have amazing friends and family.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

I'm always trying to do new stuff. I'm also currently in flux with my career, possibly moving soon, trying to meet new people. I don't know if all this activity is helping by distracting me or hurting me by making me feel unstable though.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

Yes. Alarmed is a good way to put it.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

We were together about 10 months. He ended it eight months ago.

[golden]

We were physically together for less than a month, continued with LDR for another 9 months. During that time, we were constantly breaking up, taking time out, getting back together, trying to "fix" things. He tried to break up with me (I finished the job, which makes me feel slightly better) about a month ago. I stopped contacting him altogether 10 days ago.

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

I don't know if I'm trapped, or stuck, really. What's the benchmark? If moving on means going on with your life and hardly thinking about your ex, then I'm not there yet. But I'm sure as hell trying.

 

At this point, I think it's a matter of time... if anything's holding me back, it's just the fact that the relationship was such a huge part of my life and it hasn't been over for all that long. And of course, the ever-present temptation to contact him. I'm working on that.

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Haven't talked to him for 10 days solid, and I feel much better for it. We play an online game together - in the same guild - but there's been no personal messages or contact. (Which does make for some very befuddled guildmates )

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

I think I'm obsessing more about my recovery, than him per se. I constantly think, "now how am I going to get back to normal?" Just beginning to wake up to the fact that maybe there isn't really a "normal" because the relationship and breakup shook me up so much - shook my life to its foundations - that I'll probably never go back to what I was before.

 

I do think about him often - but lately I've begun to separate the man I knew in person, and the man he is when in a LDR. I think very fondly about the man I walked with in the rain and compared childhood scars with. Everything else was so unreal that I think it's beginning to fade. Especially after I deleted all traces of it. I do wonder whether thinking about him at all is healthy, though.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Yes, a little. Because I think he could have done alot more to be decent, especially since he was the one who didn't want this kind of relationship.

 

One thing stands out: the fact that he actually said that we'd best be friends if I couldn't see better days. This, when he was the one who was constantly running from this relationship. Like he was blaming me for the breakdown of the relationship, when he.... well, suffice to say, that hurt.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Yes, but I'd rather not burden them with the details any longer.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

I'm making an effort to get out as much as I possibly can, with friends, to the gym, just to shop... I'm planning a beach party.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

I was in counselling for most of the relationship, then stopped because I felt that I'd made peace with how things were, and counselling wasn't really taking me further. I'm going back to tie up loose ends.

[lexilas]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

I was in contact but it's been about a month since I've heard from him. The thing is, since things started changing (mid-January) I would not attempt to contact him but if he contacted me I would talk to him. However, my feelings have now changed since we last spoke (February 19th) and I no longer want to talk to him even if he does call so I guess I'm just now initiating true NC.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

24/7 - I hope it stops soon.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Definitely - I think this is because we never had the breakup talk. In the last 4-5 months his calls started to slow considerably and now he doesn't call at all.

 

After 1.5 years together he moved away without much warning and it had been a LDR since October of last year. At the time he moved I felt that I had no control or significance in the relationship at all. We rarely argued and got a long great (during the time he was here). It's like he knew something I didn't and refused to clue me in.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Not really - my friends seem to pretend he never existed. I think they're just glad they can call and tell me about their problems again (I'm the good listener in those scenarios).

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Not really - I do work out (always have) but I'm looking into taking dancing lessons.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

It's crossed my mind but I don't believe it's been long enough for me to determine that I'm not making forward progress in healing. If enough time goes by and I don't feel I'm healing at all, I do believe I would look into therapy because I can't imagine feeling like this until infinity.

[Just Visiting]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

My ego does not take rejection lightly! This is not the first time that a break-up took me by surprise. And it has been devastating. Now I take a step back and realize that my ego is having a hard time letting go and resists. I am learning our egos have a powerful life of it's own, and we need to learn to control it. Otherwise we are at it's mercy.

 

Are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

No. There has been no verbal contact since the night before I left. There were 2 msn convos initiated by him, and I sent him an email in December speaking on how I understand space was needed. No response. I found later on that he had a new gf about 2 months after we split up. That was a blow.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Unfortunately, that is my downfall. I think about him constantly. I noticed lately that he is not my first thought waking up. So I can say that it is easing up. I have dreamt about him for a few days a couple of weeks ago. Then on Friday I heard that his new gf suffered a miscarriage at 2 months into her term. Found that bit of a coincidence.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Somewhat. We control our actions and his behaviour towards me was pretty selfish and cowardly. He withdrew at a real crappy time. It was hard going home to someone who was miserable and withdrawn, used to dread going to that. Now I see that I was the stronger one and he buckled under the pressure.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Absolutely. Without them, my recovery would be a whole lot longer and tougher to get though.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

I have recommited myself to spiritual practices which has introduced me to good people. I have also met new friends and made a lot of plans to travel this coming year.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

Just before the break-up, I was already seeing a counsellor. When we split up, I was in an emotional downpour and sought spiritual counselling wherever and whenever possible.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

We were together for 10.5 months. Lived together about 1.5 months into the relationship (yikes!). He was the first one to give indications of wanting to part ways, I had to pick up the signs and do the actual deed. It is now six months since the split. I am stuck because my ego doesn't want to accept the fact that I got involved with someone who is muddled with issues. I went down that road before and thought I learned my lesson, obviously not.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

Because some things just don't make sense to me. I could tell that he was falling for me when we were together.

 

It have the impression that, since he says he is done with relationships, as soon as he found himself having feelings he backed away. He hasn't been with another woman in 8 years, other than his ex gf once in a blue moon, and we had already made plans to make love the next time we met. And then poof!

 

(He also told me that if he makes love it's very hard for him to keep his emotions separate)

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

I try not to, but I don't even trust myself with that.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

I find myself trying to put the pieces together more often than not, that's why I keep asking him questions about his feelings and remembering his reactions to things.

 

That, and convincing myself I'm deluded.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

I feel bummed more than anything.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

No, I don't have anyone to talk to. My mother has had it with this story and just gets upset and yells at me. My other online friend got a full time job and started school, so she is overwhelmed and can't talk.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

I try, last night I had a three hour long meditation session with some other 11 people that I met for the first time. It was relaxing, but nothing special.

 

That and going to volunteer at the dog shelter place. That is the most fun time of the day.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

No, I tried it before and I quit after the first or second session. I find it a waste of time personally.

 

Ariadne

[CaliGuy]

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Very limited contact. 4-5 emails in 3+ months. All business-like, no personal info.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Yep. In fact, last night was the first time in a long time she has been in any of my dreams. The dream was not about her but she did make a cameo appearance.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

To some degree, yes.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Yes, but I am sure they are tired of me talking about her.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

I have hobbies that keep me occupied, yes.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

I'm going for a follow up session with my councelor on Monday. I haven't seen her since before my mom died.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

1. Two years.

2. She broke it off with me.

3. 3 months+

4. I don't know why I am stuck other than I love and miss her dearly. I do feel like I lost my best friend.

[skeptik224]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

 

I just can't let go for some reason. I don't know that it's her I miss or the abandonment issues that I've developed through time.

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

My ex will send me an e-mail every couple of weeks. The longest we went was 3 weeks. I don't initiate anything with her!

 

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

I'd say I do obsess but I don't stay up late or fall asleep exhausted about it.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Most definately!

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Yes

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Not yet. I've actually held back lot because I'm scared I'll see her.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

Yes. I started therapy about 1 1/2 months' ago. It was the best decision ever. I realize that I have other issues that this break-up only made me realize needed to be worked through.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

We were together for 5 months - 1 month she lived with me. Been broken up for 5 1/ 2 months.I've known her for about 5 years. She broke up with me because she wasn't ready - too much too soon - got scared and ran away. I guess I feel stuck because she left me with hope and left when things were going so well.

[footinthemouth]

Are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

I talk with her a few times in a week. We keep in contact to know what's going on in each others lives. I like our contact, I don't go searching for it, but how we are doing it is at the level i want.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

I think about her every once in a while. I just have memories that flow through when something reminds me of her. I just enjoy having those memories, to remember the happy and sad times we had.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

At first I did, I wanted to do anything possible to be with her. As time went by I decided that I need to work on myself and become the person I want to be. I have no hard feelings for her now. I have accepted that we should be friends and live our own lives and you never know what may happen later.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

Yes, my brother in law is a counsellor and I have my sister. I can't talk to him about everything cause he knows me and my relationship personally so I'm going to see a counsellor for my own problems as well as the relationship.

 

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

Not new, but I play volleyball, she plays as well, but we get along most of the time. I go for walks and work out, at home though. Starting to get back in my martial arts class. I'm thinking of trying yoga or dancing.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

I'm going to a counsellor to work on my own problems, anger managment, addictions, etc.

 

Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

Married to her six months after I met her. She made it final that we separate. It's been 4 weeks since I moved out. I'm not sure what I'm stuck on, most of the time it's pretty easy to get along with out her, but there are times when I feel those relationship feelings, anger, jealousy, neediness. I have to keep myself in check and know that I chose to feel like that. I am very aware of my emotions and realize what I'm feeling, and express it in my journal. It's pretty good for me cause I get to read it later and then discover new ways of dealing with my emotions.

[destination_unknown]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

That he said he still loves me.

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

Havent been doing so good there, we have been texting each other.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Dreaming about him, never had that before with anyone. Think about him 24 hours a day and its exhausted me so much i am sick.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

Not really, it was me being victimized by everything else that caused the break up in the first place.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

Yea, but i really dont want to become the annoying friend who only whines about their brokenheart all the time.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

Have taken up going to the gym, which i never did before and have found it really helpful. Now that I am sick though, I cant really distract myself because i have to be in bed! its driving me nutty.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

Have been thinking about it but cant afford it. Therapy more for my issues that caused the breakup in the first place than for dealing with the break up. But i suppose im not dealing with the breakup well either so...

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

-Together for 2.5 years

-Break of 1.5 years

-Back together for 2 months

-Broke up on valentines day

 

I suppose the stage i am stuck in is still believing we will get back together and really work things out for good. Cant do that on my own though. I think i am stuck there becuase i know that i have changed so the initial problems we had wont be there. Now, of course, the problem is stemming from the difficulty in how do i show him that i have changed and can he ever forgive me enough to have a good realtionship with me.

[Raven1845]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

I'm finding it very difficult to accept that I could mean so very little to someone that meant so very much to me. My ex would go from, "are you going to have my kid someday?" to "I don't want a commitment." "I want to live with you" to "I want to see other people." He wouldn't call me for 9 to 10 days at a time and then when I'd offer him an out of breaking up, he said he didn't want to. Had he just been an a**h*** entirely, I could probably feel better about the break-up, however, the mixed messages kept me unsure and on an emotional roller coaster. He came to see me at a club to show me he was hurt (broken nose), then 4 days later had a girl answer his phone when I called. The biggest thing holding me hostage is the mixed messages and the fact that I just cannot believe someone could treat another person so badly. Especially someone that was so good to him. It's not that he "owes" me anything, but he could have given the same respect I gave him. He also should have been honest.

 

My ex prefers a woman that acts like he means nothing to her. I was never needy or clingy or anything. I'm enough of an intellectual challenge, I'm not going to pretend someone I love means nothing to me to keep him interested, I'm sorry, but that's just seriously f**ked up.

 

I guess I just don't understand why? What happened?

 

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

I'm not in any contact with my ex. I called him 21 days ago to check on him after he had been in an accident and he let a girl answer his phone. Not because she's his girlfriend, and not because he didn't want me to call anymore, but merely to make me jealous. This is the kind of person he is. He's never told me not to call. He didn't even want to stop seeing me. He just wanted to see everyone else, too, and I couldn't handle that.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Yes, I do, and it's driving me mad. I do everything I know how to do to stop thinking about him, but I just can't seem to do it. I'm a fitness freak, and I can't even work out. I'm normally on the treadmill for 60 to 90 minutes, I can't even do a half hour now without having to stop because I'll break down crying. And weights, forget it . . . I start thinking of him.

 

I think about him all day and night, and when I go to sleep I dream about him. I hate it. I've even begged out loud to God, gods, aliens, celestial beings, deceased loved ones, basically whomever is listening to please help me make it stop. It's agonizing, and I feel like I will never be me again. I feel like there will never be a time when I no longer think of him. The pain is unbearable.

 

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

I do feel victimized by the break-up, because I was lied to and tricked. My ex did everything he could to obtain me . . . just had to have me. He started dating me and then did everything he could to make me like him more and more. He said all the right things at the right time. "I'll take care of you." "I want you to like me more and more everytime you see me." "I'm lucky to have you." "I want to live with you." "We're having 5 kids." "When I'm with you, I feel special . . . like I'm above everybody." (my personal favorite). All the while knowing he was "playing" me. I had no idea, and I am a very intelligent woman. He was very good. Damn him, he was brilliant.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

I only talk to my mother about the break-up. I try to talk to a mutual friend about it, and though she says she doesn't really talk to him anymore, she just doesn't seem interested in hearing about it. (She had a crush on him, too, and he didn't like her, so there is unfortunately a little jealousy toward me from her). I don't know why. She should see how he treated me and realize he isn't someone she'd want to be with. Her attitude is, "It's just a guy. Move on." I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. I so wish I could. I'd give anything to be like that, but I just can't.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

I haven't felt like doing much of anything to be honest. I'm not in college this semester, so that leaves way too much free time for me to think of him. I know that getting out and keeping busy is suppose to help, but for me, I just end up thinking about him and crying no matter where I go or what I'm doing. I'm grouchy and will snap at people I care about, and that's horrible. I'll be moving back to my home city and state soon. The only people I have here are really people that just remind me of him, so I'm at a loss in a way. I'm hoping it gets better when I move, because it just keeps getting worse every day. I cry so hard you would think someone died.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

I LOATHE therapists and shrinks. They either want to medicate you or tell you to "hug your inner child." They make me feel like a nut, and I know I'm not. No, I would not seek therapy. Perhaps it is good for others and perhaps I've just talked to the wrong ones, but in my opinion, therapy is not for me. I am, however, considering seeing a hypnotic therapist for something called "Hypnotic Amnesia." Ah, to forget him utterly! I'm telling you, he hurt me bad enough that I do not want to remember even knowing him. I've had much longer relationships and the break-ups may have hurt, but not like this. If I could erase him from my mind entirely, I would not hesitate. Even if it meant forgetting a lesson learned. That is how bad it hurts. I'd be willing to erase it all to not feel the pain anymore.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

If I wanted to see him, I had to chase him. There were so many times when I would call and say, "if you want to stop seeing me, please just tell me. It feels degrading chasing you, and it makes me feel like you don't want to be with me and that you're trying to give me a hint." He would always say, "No, if I didn't want to be with you, I would tell you." Well, months and months of this happening, I couldn't bear it anymore. I ended up making a comment and it actually made him jealous of himself, if you can believe that. I said, "What happened to the sweetheart I use to know? That's the one I fell for." He got angry and said, "Well if you don't think I'm that guy, and I'm still that f**king guy and you don't believe me, then you need to let me go." I said, "Really?" There was a long pause, because I think he was expecting me to say, "no, no, no." He said, "Well, you want me to call you every day and just say hi and be sweet like I use to be." I said, "No, I'd like you to call me once a week or so, and I'd like to see you at least once a week. That's all." I then said, "Okay, if you don't want me, there's nothing I can do to make you want me." He said, "It's not that I don't want you." I said, "No, you don't want me, and thank you for being honest about it." There was a pause because I truly believe he didn't really want it to end entirely. He said, "I'm glad I told you what you needed to hear." Putting the blame right back on me.

 

A week and a half later, he showed up at a club I go to. He had been hurt . . . broken nose. He made a B-line right toward me on the dance floor close to closing time. This place is INCREDIBLY crowded. I went to the bathroom once, came out, and couldn't find my friends for about 30-45 minutes. He would have had to be looking for me. And when he spotted me, he was behind me, he could have just left. No, he was there to see me. I didn't say much to him and he left. I called a few days later and he let a girl answer his phone.

 

I'm stuck because I love him. He doesn't deserve it, and I wish I didn't, but I do.

 

It's been 21 days of no contact, and it hurts more every day, but I am so proud of myself for not humiliating myself any further. Well . . . not YET anyway.

[WeaknPowerless]

I'm feeling lower then low at the moment. My post this evening is the reason. (See: I Did NOT See That Coming)

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

• I still am confused on how a person who committed to me and planned so much with me could strip it away so fast. I can't process it.

 

• I still love her. I loved her the way you're supposed to love someone. I thought it was reciprical

 

 

Are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

• After making a fool of myself, no contact since December 29th, except..

 

• A very short email regarding her dad and his cancer

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

• It's way better, but through-out the day I do think about her. The dreams haven't been there for awhile, and the sadness with the thoughts is less then before.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

• Very much so. I do feel sorry for myself. I think she lined someone else up, used me, lied to me, took advantage. You name it, I think it. If it's true or not. I don't know, but my gut is usually right. It's not healthy for me to dwell on it, but I do.

 

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

• I have all the support in the world, but it exhausts itself as it tends to lose meaning talking about it. You can't turn "love" off, and after awhile of talking about it, I start feeling like I'm trying to fool myself into thinking reverse thoughts about her.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

• Working more

• Exercising

• Going to be riding again now that the weather has turned

• Socializing with friends again

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

• This is a tough one. I am a very chill person, but my brain is very complex. I often wonder whether I am crazy or actually right in my thoughts. I'm not extra-ordinary by any means, it's not what I mean. It's just that there's something about "me" that I know is there, but I can't identify with it. It's so hard to even put a finger on, but people have said things and I feel and think things that make me really wonder. This isn't supposed to sound self indulged, but it's the only way I can write it.

 

When this breakup happened, I lost it. I've never been like this before. She has affected me deeply on many levels, and there are times when I feel like I am slipping, even though I never thought I could sink to certain levels. Long story short, I've contemplated therapy lately to sort many things out about me.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

• Just over 17 months (Living together just over 1 year)

• She told me she loved me one morning and left me that evening after work

• 3.5 Months Seperated

• I know its much better then day 1, but I've been stuck on "why" for over 2 months now. The insanity of the first part of the breakup is one thing. But this is entirely different.

[riobikini]

After looking at some of the posts on just the issue of contact, it becomes clear (to me, at least), we are all still very, very human, and desire that contact regardless of any pain it may cause.

 

Some have done better than others at restraining themselves from the temptation; some choose to cling to deluded rationalizations about what exactly constitutes 'no contact'; others outright ignore it; still, others make deliberate excuses to make some kind of contact or engineer it so that their ex's are the initiators of the contact, thereby, releasing them of having to accept any responsibility for having any contact, -and, to me, this qualifies as 'game-playing'.

 

A few have become successful with it (no contact) -and some, successful only after previous failed attempts.

 

I have been as guilty as some who have posted.

 

That leaves only four more valid reasons I can think of, presently, which allows for contact: one: the simple common decency of another human being to offer condolences over the death or illness of a loved one of the ex, or a similar situation, where it would, in my opinion, be extremely inhuman to not want to make a civil attempt with a honorably-meant form of acknoledgement.

 

Two: the situation that calls for some kind of contact when two people share the responsibility of raising children.

 

Three: the 'untying' of assets and exchanging personal belongings which should happen asap after a break.

 

Four: Almost in the category of #3, -the legal proceedings of separation and divorce, if it applies.

 

Note: if no contact were easy, and there was only one way to heal a broken heart, I'm afraid this board would not exist.

 

I wish everyone success in finding -and doing- what is right for him/her.

 

-Rio

[sick of it]

What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

Forgiveness and anger. Ive come to terms that the love will never leave. But i have not been able to forgive her yet. Im still so angry that shes happy...without me.

 

Are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Not since the beginning of March (thread entitled 'My Last Post'). She called a few weeks ago but i never returned the call.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Sadly, I do. I dont stay up late thinking, nor dream about her directly, but she is always on my mind. I still care for her immensely despite everything and still wished she cared for me.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

I do. I feel like i was deceived and led on so that things were easier for her. My life has completely changed since this happened and i still hold her responisble for it (though i shouldnt).

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

For the most part, but i dont talk about it anymore. i have to bottle it up because i know how it makes me look. i cant stand to look this weak in front of my friends anymore because it pushes them away by bringing them down. LS is the only place i really talk about it anymore

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Exercising. Ive lost 70lbs since this all happened (which she hasnt seen...yet). Ive gone to grad school and started working. However, this is done for her not me....which keeps me attached.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

I was sick of feeling so miserable. It didnt really help me because i only had 4 sessions before i went away for school. fear of abandonment is all i got...didnt help much. it did help to have an outside view who agreed with me...but that didnt change anything.

 

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

together 5.5 years

she broke up with me

11 months since break.

 

i want to forgive her. but shes not sorry. she doesnt understand why im upset. shes moved on. she lives with a new guy and did very quickly after everything and i cant stand to see her so happy.

i truly loved/love her and want her to be happy. but i cant get past how it affects me. i know thats the sign of true love, and i want to get to that stage, but i dont know why i cant reach it. once i forgive her, let go of my anger, and can be happy for her, everything will go away. but i dont know how to reach that stage.

[kaunis]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery? % Because I love him and beacuse he says that he still has "big emotional bonds" towards me that he has to struggle with. % For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex? % I have called him twice, and sent one email. It has all been about getting my things back. I have seen him twice to have a "break-up talk", however, he has been mean nasty towards me and blamed the break-up on me. Last time I saw him was yesterday, and then he was rude and aggressive. Very hurtful and unfair. He still has a couple of CD:s to give back to me, then we are done with that part. Since he is not acting nicely, things have been very difficult. % Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her? % I am still looking for answers. From Internet, from books, from friends. I have read "Men Who Can't Love" and "Getting to Commitment" by Carter & Sokol. The latter was especially helpful. I wish my ex would do the same kind of research. I am sorry for him, because he does not know what love is. % Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up? % Yes, sometimes. However, I realize that it probably was the best that could happen to me. My ex has a lot of issues and has already been on one date with a girl (jupming from relationship to relationship). I am sorry that I did not realize his true nature earlier, but then, I am still young and have everything before me: marriage, children etc. I have learnt a lesson. % Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break? % Yes, but I don't want to talk about this anymore. It is time to move on. % Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ? % I am moving to a new area and am buying furniture, paint etc. I am also helping my sister to move. Besides that, I am occupied with school, sports and my usual hobbies. Still, I think too much about this... % Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy? % I am planning to go to therapy for some sessions as soon as my life settles a bit. I did it a few years ago to work on my relationship with my father (whom was abscent during all of my childhood) and it was very helpful. Now, I am also reading "self-help-books" to help myself analyze this in a constructive way. % Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages. % We were toghether for one year. He broke up with me one month ago.

[kaunis]

Hmm... anyone who could tell me how to make spaces? My post could definitely be hard to read.

[AltplanB2]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

Im in the depression stage. Ive pretty much let go but at the same time i am in love with a person she used to be. Hard to comtemplate.

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

No. She calls me and leaves messages about her life and whats going on, just trying to keep me in the loop. Those stopped coming after i called and left a message saying to stop.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Oh yea, im obsessed. Its been close to 7 months and i still think about her everyday. THe steroids and the ensueing depression probably had something to do with it but i also really did love her. Its 4 am on a sunday morn and im writing this, so you i have insomnia. I sleep way to little at the wrong times and the sleep deprevation makes me almost suicidal. When i dream about her, i lose it.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

I was totally victimized. She left me and moved on immediately. Now shes a slut. Either the girl i loved was a lie and she was this way inside, or she changed dramatically.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

No. All my friends are with her now. I was moving to a new school at the time so i got dropped and have been depressed ever since.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Ive tried many times to do so. Each time i stick with it until i lose interest. As of late, i have lost interest in everything including school, sports, and life in general.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

Yes i was in therapy but i am really good at showing a more positive side of myself. because of that, they think i am depressed but dealing with it because i am not insane or anything. Seriously i think the greatest reason i dont call my ex or respond to her calls is because i am so ashamed of myself.

 

I was with her for a year of which we lived together for half. She dumped my ass. its been almost 7 months. Im stuck either because i still love her or because of sterioid induced depression.

 

p.s. Dont do steroids (I lost all my gains)

[zarathustra]

Some of us move through the stages pretty naturally, albeit, sometimes not so smoothly, nor gracefully.

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

I was feeling resentment over how things ended. I felt like he took control of my life and made me break promises to him by him not keeping his promises to me.

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

I have to be in contact with my ex. We work together. I found that my setting boundaries as to how we were to interact helped me a lot as I felt like I took control and set up limitations on him. Sounds childish, but it did help.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

I do think about him, heck I still see him, but I don't feel like I used to. I feel liberated from him. I don't stay up thinking about him and I have not dreamt about him since I set the confines of how he is to behave with me last week. Still waiting to see how long this lasts, but I can honestly say that I've not felt this way for a long time.

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

I felt undervalued in the relationship. If he valued me as a person, he would have ended things without deception. Our relationship was built on deception, so I have not one to blame but myself. Karma's a bitch.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

Yes, friends I've found here on LS. No one else understood/understands my pain more and empathize more with my situation than people here.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

I started art lessons. Initially I just played my cello for a bit as a creative outlet.

 

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

I sought counselling. I am a recovering bulimic/anorexic so I saw my doctor often to ensure that I was not losing too much weight. At first, I couldn't hold down my food. Then I just stopped eating. Now, I'm starting to get back to normal.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

I was in the relationship with my ex for 4 months, lived together for 3. I left the relationship feeling like I was always last on his list and he agreed that he prioritized many things above me. Because I was so low on his list, I felt like he was the one who left me. In essence he did as he emotionally detached himself from me before we had the let's split up talk. We've been broken up for 6 months. I was stuck in one of the stages because I didn't know how to let go and how to get closure. He kept offering me his shoulder to cry on, but I felt it was not a true and earnest offer.

[serial muse]

Yay, things have changed a lot for me, so I thought I'd come on here to give an update.

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

I do feel anger, in a mild way, for a number of things he did and said that I see now were inconsistent and fairly hypocritical. But I'm also willing to accept that I cain't get no satisfaction on those issues, so what-the-f-ever.

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

We were; I posted a thread about it last week. The last phone conversation (a week ago) was the one where I finally managed to see some hard truths about our relationship that I couldn't see before. I don't really blame myself for that, though - I think the reason I couldn't see them has a lot to do with conflicting things he said. I think that's because he was conflicted. But I no longer feel compelled to sort him out. I got the info I needed to understand that it's not in any way worth it; no relationship worth its salt should require me to give that much while getting so little in return.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

No. Yay!

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Actually, yeah, I do now. Again, in a mild way. I didn't before, because I wanted to "forgive" him. The things my therapist, family and friends have been pointing out to me for months have finally sunk in: I bent over backwards to be accomodating and understanding and flexible about his moods and feelings, and received almost nothing in return except vague promises that if he were well he'd be there for me.

 

Interestingly, he says he's "well" now - but he has also conveniently forgotten how crappy he was to me when he wasn't. Instead, he's impatient with my diagnosed depression (which I have been, thankfully, emerging from).

 

So yeah, now I'm annoyed and vaguely angry at that hypocrisy and how little responsibility he assumes for his own actions ('twas depression that made him do it)...but not to the point where I want to do anything about it anymore. I'm just tired of it all and am ready for it to fade into the mists of time.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Still yes.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Nothing new...I was always doing this.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

Still in therapy, still helping quite a lot to get myself sorted out. It's not all about him though.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

By the way, I read an interesting thing about the "five stages of grief"...apparently many mental health professionals think these stages more accurately describe stages people experience when receiving catastrophic news, and the true grieving process only begins with the last "stage" - acceptance.

 

The real grief work, they say, begins after everyone else thinks the pain should be long over, after the friends stop checking in and the divorce is settled. That work involves not only accepting the loss, but also experiencing the pain of the loss, adjusting to the new environment without the object, and finally, reinvesting in that new reality.

 

So in those terms, I've reached acceptance and am no longer experiencing much pain about the loss. I'm now basically adjusting to my new environment, and even making some steps toward investing in my new reality. I think that the real reinvesting will happen when I'm ready to date again - meaning, truly willing to invest myself in a new person. But that feels like it's still a ways off. Which is cool; I'm overworked as it is.

 

Oh, and to recap, it's been about 8 months since the breakup.

[In Sync]

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

Blaming myself for not having paid attention to all the red flags in the relationship. And by blaming me, I keep replaying where I should have let go sooner. In the replaying I keep rehashing and the cycle of thinking what and why did it go wrong prevents me from fully letting go.

 

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Absolutely no contact since late October. And that's been a blessing at least for me. I don't want to see someone who's represents disllusionment and betrayal of my love for him.

 

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

I've had one dream about him and that did freak me out because it felt so real..and then I awoke only to have him on my mind all day as a result. Occassionally I have hardcore moments where I think about him, but then it passes and I stop.

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

I feel like the relationship ended on such a bad note that it leaves me apprehensive to relish any idea of getting romantically or emotionally involved with anyone.

I need to develope a thicker skin in this game o love.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

It's difficult to keep talking about this with friends because they assume I should just get over it. They mean well and want me to move on.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Yes, I have my career which requires me to audition get involved with new people in productions...I maintain physical activity through my gym. I treat myself to nights out.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

hmmm, not yet. Have done it in the past though.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break, -and, of course, why -and how- you feel 'stuck' in one of the stages.

 

The relationship was for nearly 2+ years. He broke it off but I refused to initially accept it..that was denial. Slept with him and continued to see him I had hoped it would work out. No, it just made it worse. Until he finally ended it 4 months after and I was in shock. I think I got stuck becuz, my mom passed away during the last break and I didn't heal from his loss and hers.

 

 

-Rio

[Zeppelin456]

For instance, are you still in any kind of contact with your ex?

 

Occasional. We have all the same friends. She's randomly contacted me a couple of times, seemingly just to be friendly. I have told her that it's difficult for me, but have also broken down and contacted her a few times. I don't ever like what I get from that.

 

Do you still constantly obsess about him/her during waking hours, stay up way too late still thinking about them, and fall asleep exhausted only to dream about him/her?

 

Well I am on Loveshack at 3:11 AM. But not really anymore. Alot of times, she's only a brief passing thought. I don't obsess most of the time anymore. Occasionally, I slip and I do but for the most part, no. She has showed up in a few dreams recently, in which we've just talked and had a nice conversation. I feel like that's a sign of acceptance?

 

Do you feel 'victimized' by the break-up?

 

Yeah I really do. A lot. It's bad.

 

Do you have receptive, easily accessible people with whom you are close, who are very good listeners, and with whom you can confide in about the break?

 

Sorta yeah. I feel like people have tired of hearing me talk about this crap, but luckily I've been in counseling for about two months. Very helpful. A few weeks ago, I went and just felt fine and I was like "i have no issues this week" and that was that. I have been back since though.

 

Have you added any different or interesting activities to your routine that gets you out of your house or apartment, besides work, errands, etc. ?

 

Gym gym gym gym gym. I am trying to really get fit...lifting and running. It's working but something tells me I'm doing it for the wrong reasons....I want her to see me and just feel bad. Isn't that wrong? I mean I'm doing it for myself, I've wanted to for a long time, but really, I want her to feel like she's missing out.

 

Has anyone become alarmed enough to have sought therapy?

 

Yeah. It's great.

 

Note: Please add the length of time you were in the relationship with your ex, who broke up with whom, and the length of time since the break.

 

I was in the relationship for just under two years...she dumped me back in December.

 

Question: What is it that you think may be holding you 'hostage', so to speak, in a particular stage of recovery?

 

I don't know. I worry that I'll never be with anyone as attractive again.

I worry that I'll never be with anyone again. I worry that there's something wrong with ME. I worry lots of things, mostly irrational. But I still worry. I'm tired of it.