No Stress Lady Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 Well,things are happening. I went the NC route and she went nuts! She was angry with me for cuttng off contact. She tried to seduce me in her office at work! she started kissing me and I told her no. She told me that she thought this is what I wanted and I said what I want is a real relationship with her out in the open. She said that I knew she couldnt do that so I said then thats why we were over. So I decided to do an experiment. I kissed her and gave her an orgasm right there in her office! She was very affectionate and loving. The next day she was the ice queen again. She simply would not express any kind of feeling for me whatsoever. Yesterday before I left her office I went to kiss her she told me okay because she didnt want me to pout! She said okay we will do it your way (having physical contact) because she happens to like it my way. She was no where close to what she was the previous day. Later the same day I talked with her on the phone and when I told her that I would be thinking about her she told me to have a good weekend. Based on my experiement I think she has decided to give me sex in exchange for me talking with her and being her friend. But what she wont do is express any emotional attachment at all because that makes her feel guilty and like a bad person. Pretty sad when the only things she will share with me are sex and what she watched on TV last night I think she is one messed up person and I am right there with her. You sound unbelievably immature. Grow up and acknowledge the fact that you are both behaving like complete idiots. WWIU is right - you're headed for disaster with this one. F*****g around AT WORK???!!!!!!!!!! Are you nuts??? I seriously think your dick is out of control.
Author alwayslate Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 Well things have turned again. Yesterday she leaves me a voice mail telling me she is thinking about me and she misses me. This morning she tells me she is "always thinking about me". I leave her a voice mail telling her that I am thinking of her always as well and that I love our connection. Well this afternoon she calls and she again is the Ice queen. She was clearly agitated but when asked she just said that "she was really tired". During our conversation she talks about her husband saying "we this and we that" and how they were going to do something different next year than this. I truly think its because I mentioned our connection and something remotely related to our feelings and she ran for the hills again. Can someone tell me what in the heck is going on with her???? I am at a total loss. Someone please help me!!!!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 AlwaysLate, I think you should read the thread "Can Men and Women be friends" on LS. I think that she wants to be your friend, but you clearly think otherwise.
Author alwayslate Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 So do you think that because she runs for the hills she just wants to be friends? what about the incredible sex we have had? As of last Friday she wants us to have sex again very soon. It just seems something has changed between Friday and today. Thats why I am so confused.
Citizen Erased Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 She wants sex. Period. Her behaviour screams this. She does not love you, she loves her husband. You obviously give her something which her husband probably doesn't give her - sex and the sense of naughtiness which goes with an affair. I am sorry to be so blunt but you are wasting your time with this woman. You are acting to vulnerable and open to her, and you need to stop this!!!! Plain fact is that you are both married and she has realised that her emotions should not be with another man. She may have sex with you but in the end she goes home to her husband and you go to your wife. Do not have sex at work. It is highly unprofessional and stupid and you will get caught. Divorce your wife if you do not love her, which you clearly dont, and find someone else you do love who is not married and live a pleasant peaceful life, work for it like everyone else has to.
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 So do you think that because she runs for the hills she just wants to be friends? what about the incredible sex we have had? As of last Friday she wants us to have sex again very soon. It just seems something has changed between Friday and today. Thats why I am so confused.don't give her any sex or anything else for awhile..NC is what she responds to...give as good as your getting for a bit...I think thats the way...I'm going to do the same with mine..he failed my test now it's NC time and see what happens...either way in my world it will be best at least I can let him go or he can try my way rather than always his way.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Look, obviously there are feelings there - She just isn't going to TELL you that. She is secure with her husband. The marriage, the house, family life, kids, friends, inlaws, her parents, neighbours, etc...She is NOT going to give that up for you. It's too uncertain, it's not a sure bet...So, if she can keep you around, have sex when she wants it, no strings and somehow manage to keep you as a friend - Well, more like a buddy - She will DO just that. If you can handle those rules, then yes, continue on this path you're on. But, I am figuring you can't handle it. You have deep feelings for her and you're allowing her to consume you 24/7. That's not healthy. And that isn't love...You're extremely sexually attracted to her, you're in lust BIG TIME, and borderline obsessed. She can turn it off, live life once at home...You are not able to do that. To her it's fantasy and fun - To you it isn't. DO you see where I'm going with this? Sooner or later BOTH of you are going to get busted! Someone will find out, tell your spouses. They ain't stupid creatures, k. I'm sure her hubby KNOWS something isn't right with her and your wife isn't stupid either. Only a matter of time before they figure out wtf is going on between you two. Are you happy as things are now?? One minute you're up and the next you're down (please excuse how that reads...)like a toilet seat! It MUST be exhausting to sit and think, think, think - What does she feel? What does she think now? Is she loving me? Hating me? Mad at me? It's obsessive thinking you're doing. You're driving yourself NUTS. Go back and read your thread, start to finish...Take a step back and imagine your situation happening to your bestfriend or brother! Wouldn't you wanna smack them up the side of the head and say STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you would. So, look at it from an outsider. This is not a good place for you to be in, nor your OW. It is scary enough now, imagine how life will be in another 2-4 months?
catgirl1927 Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 It's just terrible, this whole thing. Your wife really deserves better than this kind of BS. The only thing that reassures me any at all is that you are so arrogant and selfish you will for sure mess up and she'll find out. Then she can get the F%#$ away from you.
Author alwayslate Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Hey WWIU, thanks for your honest response. Just to let you know, she has swung back towards feeling guilty and wants to just be friends and such. I just dont see the point in it. I think what I plan to do this time is to back off slowly and gracefully so hopefully she wont react like she did last time. I think when I cut her off last time that affects her self esteem which I think you would agree is pretty low as it is. Then what happends is when she offers up the physical stuff if I agree to be friends again, her self esteem goes up, and along with that goes her sense of self righteousness . Thats when she decides that she needs to back off and the cycle starts all over again. So, time to break the cycle. I do feel sorry for her husband. She tells me how she craves her alone time and how she does so many things without him. IShe tells me how she hates going on trips with him or even out to dinner with him. She tells me how she has to dirink in order to bear being with him. Its like you said that she loves her life, her house, her cars, her pets, her neighboors etc more than she loves him or me for that matter. She is a part time wife who when the going gets tough, runs for the hills (or into the arms of another). I am quite sure that I wont be the last affair she has. I realize now that she dropped me because I cost too much. I wasnt satisfied with just having sex, hanging out and talking about the weather. I forced her to look at herself and her true feelings about me and her husband and she did not like what she saw. Its not that she loves her husband she just cant take loving anyone. I also feel sorry for my wife. I have been such a fool, thinking that what I have been feeling is love. All it was was obsession. Plain and simple. You were right. I need to buckle down and focus on her and what is left of our marriage. She deserves nothing less. Thanks so much WWIU for talking with me and not judging me and giving me reason to pause. AL
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 You're welcome. You've been pretty upfront and honest here too. Write a list, all the good that this woman brings into your life and then do another list of all the BAD she brings into your life. I'm positive that the bad list will have more than the good list. She is unhealthy for you - You know that, but aren't strong enough to walk away...Is that any chance of changing jobs? Just wondering...Because seeing her daily isn't helping this situation - Only way you two can completely end it is to move away or both of you tell your spouses... Keep venting, and please, try your best to stay away from her at work and otherwise. Keep remembering your wife, focus on her and the marriage.
Author alwayslate Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Well WWIU I created the list and most of the things were in fact on the "con" side of the sheet. I wanted to give you an update. I spent the day with her last week and we had a wonderful time. It was platonic for the most part except at the end when we were alone and she kissed me. She also kissed me and told me that she loved me and that she missed me as we were parting. Since that time we have maintained frequent communication by phone mostly but I have seen her at work as well. Most of it all very platonic in fact she seems very reluctant to share any feelings with me at all. While she doenst seem to want to express any feelihgs for me at all, she is very interested in sex. She hasnt said much but from what I gather she and her husband are not communicating much at all. In fact from what I can tell they are not spending much time together at all. Through all of that she is continuing to spend money on her house etc. as if life was perfect and nothing was wrong at all. I think you were right to think that she just likes her life and all of the "Stuff" in it and I get the impression that she thinks that the more she buys and the more she spends and as long as she has all of that stuff and has a husband that leaves her alone and as long as I am around to make up the difference life for her is good. Sounds twisted doesnt it??? Thanks again WWIU for all of your help AL
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 So, what are you going to do now? Put up with this, put up with her treatment of you? The more you stay with her, the less she will respect you...I have to say, honestly, she has you wrapped around her baby finger and knows exactly which buttons to push on you to get what she wants out of you. And Alwayslate, you're doing a good job of falling into it and feeding her ego. The whole thing is twisted, lol, but now it's up to you to decide if you want this crap in your life. You DO have your own mind and hopefully some self control left. Sooner or later you have to make a choice - And don't forget about your wife in all this too. You've not mentioned much about her recently. Just a question, if you want o answer, please do, and if not, that's okay too... If your wife found out and divorced you - I assume that you'd still be with crazylady (sorry, it fits her!) and be the OM for a very long time? Is this something you've thought about, that maybe you are hoping to be caught (Hense the office makeout sessions, hoping someone will spill the beans to her...) so she will end your marriage so you don't have to be the one to say it's over? I am just wondering.
Author alwayslate Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 Yea I agree with you WWIU, Crap is the exact right word for this. The real question is how low can I let my self esteem go? She seems to be calling all of the shots. Now lately she has been calling me quite a bit but in all of those calls its all just a bunch of trival meaningless stuff. Stuff she could share with her next door neighbor. She wont share with me anything about her life but the most mundane and everyday thing. She has mentioned that She and her H have been fighting but for the most part she has said nothing. But even so I keep coming back to her like a love sick puppy. The most I get is now and then she kisses me and then tells me some obligatory thing and then thats it. No sharing of feelings or thoughts whatsoever. She even has the nerve to tell me what she and her H are doing to their house, what new plants she is doing in her garden, even what she plans on cooking this weekend. And through it all I still wait to see if she will crack and tell me what I want to hear. Fat chance. I write her poetry, she gives me recipies. She must be laughing at me. I am so ashamed. I love this forum because I can write and express myself to all here without talking to her and making more of a fool out of myself. Thanks for listening and giving me the opportunity AL
zarathustra Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 AL, you deserve more than this... you might not believe it right now, but you do. Also, I might add that your wife also deserves to be treated with a bit more dignity and respect than to be playing second (third, fourth or umpteenth) fiddle to someone who is putting you last in her life. She may not be the wife you want, but until you do otherwise, she's the wife you have now. I'm just pointing out what I see and not to make you feel badly. If you want a partner with the MW, it doesn't sound like you will ever get it. I think you should decide to focus on deciding whether or not you want to continue with your marriage or not. If not, you should set your wife free so that she can find happiness with someone who will treat her as she deserves. If you do want to work on it with your wife, its ok to miss, feel love for, and grieve the OW, but place you wife as the first priority in your life and follow NC with the OW. Either way, my friend, work on yourself as well. Determine what you need in a relationship and be true to those needs.
Author alwayslate Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 Thanks Z, It has been so painful. I just cant understand how someone can treat someone they are supposed to care about this way. I guess in some way I am treating my W in the same way by putting her last in my life just like the OW is putting me. Its so weird, the OW calls me all of the time. She doesnt say much but it does take effort to do that. I just wish I could jump inside her head to figure out why she strings me along like she does. Maybe it doesnt matter why. I dont know. All I know is that it hurts and just when I think I am okay with it, she passes me in the hall at work and acts like she doesnt even know I'm there and its at that moment I realize where I stand. AL
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 The real question is how low can I let my self esteem go? When you realize you've HAD enough and feel strong enough to tell her to F off from your life forever. Sorry, but that is something (GET MAD) that has to happen sooner or later. She IS making a fool of you -Maybe not malciously, but she IS making one of you! That pisses ME off. I mean, through all this, she is pulling your strings and she knows you won't say NO to her..And if you do, she knows the exact buttons to press to make you fall back into her arms again so to speak... You need to detach yourself from her...Start thinking about YOU instead of what she thinks and feels...Go back and read your other posts and replies. There was a time YOU took a stand...So, go back to that place again. Start working on YOU, then fix your marriage. Right now you're broken and confused, you can't think or feel anything for your wife with this OW in your life. What do you want to do? Have things stay this way for a long time, or do you want to actually BE and FEEL happy? What is it going to take for it to happen?
Author alwayslate Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 Hey WWIU Thanks so much for your response. I agree I need to tell her it is totally and completely over. No museums, no cofee breaks and definately no sex. It does hurt and I do feel bad for my W because all I think about is the OW. It hurts to think that she doesnt want me. I thought all this time she really does love me but I know that this cannot be possible. The question is what motivates a person to treat another this way as she is treating me? I am so curious. Could she possibly be happily married? The sad thing is I really dont know. She doesnt share that part of her life with me at all. I am so sad and so hurt. I do need to move on so that I can be free of all of this pain. I just hope I can keep posting and talking with you to help stay away from her. AL
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 The question is what motivates a person to treat another this way as she is treating me? I am so curious. AL Why don't you answer that question yourself? Why are you treating your wife with such inconsideration and apathy? It is really ironic how you cannot see that you are just like the OW in the way you treat your W! :sick:
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 There obviously are needs at home that aren't being met. You are supplying her that "intense" sexual feeling and that - As we all know - Eventually dies down abit once settled in a long term relationship or marriage. IT just happens...Though it comes and goes, maybe not with the same burning passion as it was at the beginning, but it's there...With more love and respect. I think somewhere in you, it's there for your wife but this OW has stolen (and you've allowed her to) that passion which is meant for your wife. That OW is abusing YOU and you're letting her by allowing her to treat you like this. Don't fool yourself, k. Your emotions are running high and your way of thinking is letting you THINK your OW loves you and has very deep feelings for you. She doesn't. She's selfish and it's all about HER. Remember that when you let yourself 'fantasize' ... Keep posting it will help. Take this day by day and do your best to NOT let the OW into your head. Start changing your routines too. DO stuff you want to do around the house, take a holiday with your wife. Stop writing poetry and love notes for your OW. And, I say this too, don't write them for your wife to 'make up' for things. Plus if you did that it wouldn't be true because of the OW. you also have to stop 'wondering' about the OW. Care less. WHO cares. That is where your mind has to get to. Sooner or later, we'll get you to that place, or try to anyway! It's easy for me to give you the advice. You're the one who has to follow through on it if you want your life back.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Why don't you answer that question yourself? Why are you treating your wife with such inconsideration and apathy? It is really ironic how you cannot see that you are just like the OW in the way you treat your W! :sick: No, he really can't "see" that yet because the OW is in his thoughts and in his heart. It's obvious that his wife is not on his mind. He needs to RID of the OW and deal with his own feelings before he can consider fixing things at home with his wife. For him to do that now would be an even bigger lie. I know you're trying to help, but right now, pointing fingers and trying to make him feel worse isn't going to make him END things with the OW. If you have suggestions, go for it but don't bash the guy! He is fully aware of his wrong doings and until HE has the strength to deal with this head on, life WILL continue on this path he's on.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 WWIU, I disagree with you: AL does NOT know what he is doing wrong. I was pointing it out for him. He cannot see what kind of situation he has put himself and his wife in! And I am pointing it out for him... and hoping that that would help him. Knowledge first, then change. I was not bashing him at all.
catgirl1927 Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 WWIU, I disagree with you: AL does NOT know what he is doing wrong. I was pointing it out for him. He cannot see what kind of situation he has put himself and his wife in! And I am pointing it out for him... and hoping that that would help him. Knowledge first, then change. I was not bashing him at all. I agree with this. I don't think he thinks he's doing anything wrong to his wife. I don't think he thinks of her at all. He does not love or care about his wife at all. She's not even a person to him.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 He does love her, he just is very messed up in the head. His priorities are wrong...This is a classic symptom of the 'affair' that shines out ALL throughout the OW/OM forum. It's no different than any other situation where two people are involved that are married to other people.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Well, what I am saying is that AL is not displaying any "love" toward his wife... yet he claims to love her. I wanted to point out this discrepancy. He really needs to clear his head.
Author alwayslate Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 Well the OW seems to be backing off on her own. She hasnt called but once today and although she has emailed several times. It has all been very, very platonic. I have decided not to respond at all and just let it go. Its painful but a step I need to take. I guess it was going to happen at some point now I must go with it. I need all of your help and support to stay away so keep posting. Thanks so much, AL
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