alwayslate Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 You know, I have enjoyed my short time on this web site and it has taught me that there are hundreds maybe even thousands of people out there who share in my pain. But you know, This OW of mine I really do love her and I just wish that she would choose me. I wish that she would tell me that she wants to be with me and spend her life with me and just be. All of this pain and lieing and hiding. I wish I could go outside right now and shout her name and tell everyone I know who she is and how much I love her. I am so devistated that she chose her husband. I am devistated that she says she loves me so much and that I am her soulmate and yet she stays with him instead of choosing me. I feel like my heart has been torn out and thrown away. I have had other relationships in my life many of them but this one is the one. The one who I was meant to be with. Life is so Damn cruel. I just wish she would choose me.
MsColorado Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Please, I beg you, divorce your wife. I have read your posts and it's sickening how you just stay with your wife because you don't have the woman you profess to love (live with her for a year - day in/day out then tell me all about that love). If my husband felt that way about another woman I would truly wish he would have the decency to set me free so that I could find someone that would love me the way I deserve (and everyone does) to be loved.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I take it you're scared to be alone alwayslate? Because what you're doing is really not fair to your wife. In your heart she is second best and your actions and words are basically saying you just want the OW. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed and you knew NOTHING of what your wife was doing, yet she was 'waiting' for another man to end his marriage...Hoping and desiring him...Yet you haven't a clue of what's going on inside of her. It's a lie. Your life right now is just that. Your marriage is a lie. How do you intend on going back to living life without the OW and relearning how to love your wife again? Putting her first? Finding that passion and affection again? Have you thought of her at all during this process, or are you just so obsessed with the OW in your life? The MW (OW) has picked her husband over you. I suggest you get some one on one therapy to deal with loss and all the pain you're feeling. Once you get your crap together enough, talk to your wife and together make a choice, stay together or divorce.
catgirl1927 Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 If you ever felt anything like respect or love for your wife, you should leave her. Immediately. She deserves SO much better.
portableversion Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 and you were not 'meant' to be with her. If you were 'meant' for each other, she would have left hubby and you would have left wifey. Externalities have an awesome way of screwing up our idealizations...they bring us back to reality. Why don't you join us, eh?
theantibarbie23 Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I agree with the others. If you don't love your wife, leave her, it's the decent thing to do. Why should she be stuck with someone who doesn't care about her? The other thing is that as far as the affair partner goes, your entire relationship was based on secrets and lies. That in and of itself should tell you that it's not healthy from the start. Some relationships with the affair partner work out in the end but it's a very small percentage because what a person gets out of an affair vs. a marriage are two seperate things. When two affair partners enter a long term relationship and the the fantasy and butterflies end, a lot of the time someone wants out. I suggest you take this time to figure out what it is within your current relationship and yourself that brought you to the point that you felt compelled to act out this affair in the first place.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 AlwaysLate, I always say it as I see it. I hope you don't take offense to the words I am about to say. I am only in my early 30's and you are probably older. You stated that you've been married 19 years, so I take it that you are at least 40 years old. Yet, your actions sound immature and selfish, like that of a teenager. Frankly, I don't understand how you have lived (with your wife and children) for the past 19 years, if you can be so taken by this married woman. How can you be so willing to just throw away your wife and children, like they are yesterday's newpaper? How can you not have any consideration for them at all? Ok, granted, divorce may not be the worst thing that can happen to them - especially if you have been abusive and absent throughout their lives. Perhaps this is the case. Then, please, let your wife and children go. Let them have a new beginning. IF you have been caring for them and worked your butt off for the family's lifestyle, and you have been overly tired and confused for past year, get therapy. Get some counseling. Make yourself a good person again. Right now, you sound extremely whiny and immature. And you don't even realize what despicable things you've done!! Come on! You screwed around with another woman and you excpect that woman to drop her husband for you???? At this point, you are worse than scum. Anybody can see that BUT YOU! IF you want this woman - then show her what kind of man you can be. Be good to your family. I know that my words are harsh. Initially, I didn't even mean to write on your thread. But I was where you are once. At one point, I was confused and I fooled around with someone I shouldn't. It was a brief fling without sex. At that time, all I could think about was him. I didn't see what kind of person I have become. I hope you will eventually see yourself with clear eyes and turn around before your wife kicks you out! Best wishes.
Citizen Erased Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 AlwaysLate, I always say it as I see it. I hope you don't take offense to the words I am about to say. I am only in my early 30's and you are probably older. You stated that you've been married 19 years, so I take it that you are at least 40 years old. Yet, your actions sound immature and selfish, like that of a teenager. Frankly, I don't understand how you have lived (with your wife and children) for the past 19 years, if you can be so taken by this married woman. How can you be so willing to just throw away your wife and children, like they are yesterday's newpaper? How can you not have any consideration for them at all? Ok, granted, divorce may not be the worst thing that can happen to them - especially if you have been abusive and absent throughout their lives. Perhaps this is the case. Then, please, let your wife and children go. Let them have a new beginning. IF you have been caring for them and worked your butt off for the family's lifestyle, and you have been overly tired and confused for past year, get therapy. Get some counseling. Make yourself a good person again. Right now, you sound extremely whiny and immature. And you don't even realize what despicable things you've done!! Come on! You screwed around with another woman and you excpect that woman to drop her husband for you???? At this point, you are worse than scum. Anybody can see that BUT YOU! IF you want this woman - then show her what kind of man you can be. Be good to your family. I know that my words are harsh. Initially, I didn't even mean to write on your thread. But I was where you are once. At one point, I was confused and I fooled around with someone I shouldn't. It was a brief fling without sex. At that time, all I could think about was him. I didn't see what kind of person I have become. I hope you will eventually see yourself with clear eyes and turn around before your wife kicks you out! Best wishes. OP, don't take any notice of this post, I can remember a time when a certain LS poster was just as whiny and immature and had all of LS trying to convince her not to sleep with her husband's best friend...
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 darlin coco, That was funny that you'd remember. Anyway, I NEVER slept with him. I got my senses back. And I am trying to help someone here, if you will.
calm_rage Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 darlin coco, That was funny that you'd remember. Anyway, I NEVER slept with him. I got my senses back. And I am trying to help someone here, if you will. Right now, you sound extremely whiny and immature. And you don't even realize what despicable things you've done!! Come on! You screwed around with another woman and you excpect that woman to drop her husband for you???? At this point, you are worse than scum. Anybody can see that BUT YOU! IF you want this woman - then show her what kind of man you can be. Be good to your family. Strangely, this seems a bit hypocritical given your past experiences wouldnt you say? Oh yes, I remember you, who wouldn't. Nice to see you never slept with him... how's his relatioship with your husband going? If I recall you gave him head so I guess not so good?
Citizen Erased Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Thanks RC, but this is not your fight nor your business. Sorry KHLF, guess I got a tad bitchy
Author alwayslate Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 All, I have decided to let go of the OW. I do work with her so I will need to maintain contact but it will only be regarding business and nothing else. She wants to be friends so she can fill the void she has in her marriage. Well forget that. I am not playing into that anymore. I am sure that she will find another sap to take my place soon enough. Good for her bad for her next victim. I am going to try and make my marriage work at whatever cost. Here is the text of an email she sent me at the end of her work day. This is what she does to me now.... "Hey…..what a day. I’m crunching to get out of here at 4:30. So what is the plan for Wed? I overheard you say something about calling in tomorrow…will you be here???? If you are, remember that cottage cheese and a banana await :-) See you soon…." She will get no answer from me. If she does call me I will not return her calls. She is going to have to live with her husband. adn live with her decision. I wish him luck. He is going to need it. There are some really insightful people on this site I want to thank them Thanks for all of the insight and positive feedback. There are some very angry bitter people as well. I guess you have to take the good with the not so good. Most of you have been in my position before. How dare you judge me. Anyway good luck to all AlwaysLate
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 All, I have decided to let go of the OW. I do work with her so I will need to maintain contact but it will only be regarding business and nothing else. She wants to be friends so she can fill the void she has in her marriage. Well forget that. I am not playing into that anymore. I am sure that she will find another sap to take my place soon enough. Good for her bad for her next victim. I am going to try and make my marriage work at whatever cost. Here is the text of an email she sent me at the end of her work day. This is what she does to me now.... "Hey…..what a day. I’m crunching to get out of here at 4:30. So what is the plan for Wed? I overheard you say something about calling in tomorrow…will you be here???? If you are, remember that cottage cheese and a banana await :-) See you soon…." She will get no answer from me. If she does call me I will not return her calls. She is going to have to live with her husband. adn live with her decision. I wish him luck. He is going to need it. There are some really insightful people on this site I want to thank them Thanks for all of the insight and positive feedback. There are some very angry bitter people as well. I guess you have to take the good with the not so good. Most of you have been in my position before. How dare you judge me. Anyway good luck to all AlwaysLate It will hurt you, but you have to let her know that YOU are detaching from her. In her mind, things are fine. She may not "have" you, but she "has" you in her life. Yes, you ARE filling a void in her life, what need isn't being met at home. In a way, she is disrespecting YOUR wishes now, to NOT be friends. In her mind, she can't fathom that yet. She probably thinks you're bluffing and it's only a matter of time before you come crawling back to her... Your silence WILL tell her. Sometimes saying nothing is the best defense. You don't owe her any explanation, she KNOWS...Yet she has chosen to disreguard it and still try to pursue a buddy-buddy close flirty friendship with you. Insulting? Yes, I bet you think so! She doesn't think so obviously. I have to say, I'm glad to see your anger finally. It's like you opened your eyes, took a step back and can see things more clearly now. Focus that energy now into yourself, your wife and making things great again. Good luck and keep posting! Sorry if I sounded harsh...But now it seems that email has lit the fire under you and you're reacting the right way.
Author alwayslate Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 Thanks so much! I am so done with her crap. She is playing me for a fool and you know what? I am a fool. But no more. It will hurt but the way to make this all come out is to perform at work so she sees what I am capable of first hand. I want her to see me happy and laughing so that she KNOWS I have moved on. BTW she does have other male "friends" and they will continue to play into her clutches. I so pity them. Most of all I pitty her husband.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I want her to see me happy and laughing so that she KNOWS I have moved on. That's very smart. I am proud of you. (Sorry for the harsh words in my previous post.)
Author alwayslate Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 This my first full day of no contact. I am dying! why is this so hard?? why am I so distraught for not talking to someone who doesnt want me in the first place?? How strange. I am determined though. She emailed me a few times today and I responded only to the work related ones. Its KILLING ME!!!!!! man I need help bad. How will I ever get through this! I will say this though I have fully engaged with my wife and told her that I want to spend time with just her (like a date night) she responed that it will be very hard because our kids are so active. I am determined though. My wife also seemed reluctant to open up to me and talk about our feelings etc. She has always had this problem which is one of the reasons I strayed in the first place. Life is so hard........
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 My wife also seemed reluctant to open up to me and talk about our feelings etc. She has always had this problem which is one of the reasons I strayed in the first place. Marriage counseling will help her sort out her priorities. (But you probably already knew that?)
catgirl1927 Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 You should really leave your wife. You really don't love her. It's so sad. I feel awful for her.
No Stress Lady Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Thanks so much! I am so done with her crap. She is playing me for a fool and you know what? I am a fool. But no more. It will hurt but the way to make this all come out is to perform at work so she sees what I am capable of first hand. I want her to see me happy and laughing so that she KNOWS I have moved on. BTW she does have other male "friends" and they will continue to play into her clutches. I so pity them. Most of all I pitty her husband. Please - get over yourself - you're not the "victim" of this woman - you were a willing participant. Frankly, I think you're so p***ed about all this because you're not getting your illicit sex anymore.
Author alwayslate Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 catgirl, how could you possibly know who i love and who I dont love. If you must know, I dont think I really know what love is. All I know is that I hurt, I am humiliated, and I need to snap out of it. At the same time all of this is going on, it appears that my wife is withdrawing from me as well. I cant say I blame her for that but I need to run after her if I am to have any life left at all.
erika2610 Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Thanks so much! I am so done with her crap. She is playing me for a fool and you know what? I am a fool. But no more. It will hurt but the way to make this all come out is to perform at work so she sees what I am capable of first hand. I want her to see me happy and laughing so that she KNOWS I have moved on. BTW she does have other male "friends" and they will continue to play into her clutches. I so pity them. Most of all I pitty her husband. She's playing you for a fool? Please. You sound like you're playing the victim and blaming her..
catgirl1927 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 catgirl, how could you possibly know who i love and who I dont love. If you must know, I dont think I really know what love is. All I know is that I hurt, I am humiliated, and I need to snap out of it. At the same time all of this is going on, it appears that my wife is withdrawing from me as well. I cant say I blame her for that but I need to run after her if I am to have any life left at all. You were prepared to walk away from her if this woman asked you to. If you loved her, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
Author alwayslate Posted March 18, 2006 Author Posted March 18, 2006 Well,things are happening. I went the NC route and she went nuts! She was angry with me for cuttng off contact. She tried to seduce me in her office at work! she started kissing me and I told her no. She told me that she thought this is what I wanted and I said what I want is a real relationship with her out in the open. She said that I knew she couldnt do that so I said then thats why we were over. So I decided to do an experiment. I kissed her and gave her an orgasm right there in her office! She was very affectionate and loving. The next day she was the ice queen again. She simply would not express any kind of feeling for me whatsoever. Yesterday before I left her office I went to kiss her she told me okay because she didnt want me to pout! She said okay we will do it your way (having physical contact) because she happens to like it my way. She was no where close to what she was the previous day. Later the same day I talked with her on the phone and when I told her that I would be thinking about her she told me to have a good weekend. Based on my experiement I think she has decided to give me sex in exchange for me talking with her and being her friend. But what she wont do is express any emotional attachment at all because that makes her feel guilty and like a bad person. Pretty sad when the only things she will share with me are sex and what she watched on TV last night I think she is one messed up person and I am right there with her.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 I don't know how to help you alwayslate. Each of you want to have your cake and eat it too. Have eachother and be married to your spouses. Though, you're in love with this woman, and she's just extremely sexually attracted to you and wants a non-emotional friendship with just sex. You can't handle that. You know it and she knows it. This situation is going to be the same, a rollercoaster ride, unless YOU end it...But I don't think you have the strength or desire to break it off with her, get a new job and concentrate on your wife. She has NO intention of ending things at home with her husband... She's pulling your strings and you BOTH are playing with fire by messing around at work. It's your life, and what you're doing is a waiting timebomb about to explode.
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