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Posted

how many OW here, had to listen to thier MM talk about how horrible his marriage is? or how terrible his wife treats him?

Posted

My MM did not "blame" her for his affair. He said most of their problems were because he was nto in love with her, and he treated her so. She was commited to him, was very good to him. He just didnt' feel the love in return. However, there is something that he must see in her for he has hurt me beyond repair. So to answer you question, no he didn't bash her, he said she is a good person, with many flaws just like everyone else, he just didn't love her anymore and even on several occasions, questioned if he should have married her to begin with.

Posted

my MM does so so often that many times I'm the one defending her or changing the subject because I know it isn't as terrible as he makes out.

 

though on the other hand a friend of his was talking about his wife to me in front of my MM and what he had to say was much much worse and my MM seemed embaressed and I felt like a heel.

 

but yep I very rarely hear anything good about her.

Posted
my MM does so so often that many times I'm the one defending her or changing the subject because I know it isn't as terrible as he makes out.

 

though on the other hand a friend of his was talking about his wife to me in front of my MM and what he had to say was much much worse and my MM seemed embaressed and I felt like a heel.

 

So is this a case of a MM actually telling the truth about his W?? Maybe his W is what he says.

 

Yes. My MM tells me how the W is nasty all the time. That they never talk, & nothing nice comes out of her mouth when they're in the same room. It boggles my mind. How do you live in a household like that?? I have so many questions & I think I need to start asking him.

Posted

Actually, I haven't had to listen to much negativity about the wife. I told him that I really didn't want us to go there. Occasionally he will mention how much she ignores him or that everyone in the world comes before he does and still he gets no consideration. He did tell me that they went to counseling about a year ago and that things got better for about a month, and then back to the same old stuff. He knows that I don't want to hear negative things. I don't want to think that I am so much better to him than she is because I guess if he ever breaks my heart, I will be even more devastated to know that he stayed with someone who is not good to him instead of me. Sounds crazy, but this whole relationship is crazy.

Posted

The MM I were involved with were generally quite neutral in what they said about their wives - they were certainly never "horrible" or "nasty". None of them ever described their wives as "shrews" or "bitches" or any of the other derogatory terms you sometimes see bandied about on this forum......

 

The overwhelming issues that seemed to be causing dissatisfaction in their marriages were things like: feeling taken for granted, being seen as father and breadwinner but not a lover, a lack of interest in sex from the wife, too much focus on the kids by the wife, a sense of "is this all there is to look forward to" on the husband's part, often an attitude of complacency from the wife and a sense of flatness and resignation for the husband.

 

I think therefore that often for the MM an affair is often just a "bubble" - an escape from the humdrum routine. Having an affair often does NOT mean that a guy wants a divorce though - it's generally more about having his cake and eating it and, for some guys, trying to fit the missing pieces into a generally but not wholly satisfactory marriage.

 

Every situation is different in its fine detail but I personally think it's always asking for trouble if the OW ever gets involved thinking that the guy will divorce - often the marriage is really not that bad, the MM just wants to have a "fantasy bubble" where he can escape and temporarily feel valued as a man and a lover - not just as the father/breadwinner.

Posted
The MM I were involved with were generally quite neutral in what they said about their wives - they were certainly never "horrible" or "nasty". None of them ever described their wives as "shrews" or "bitches" or any of the other derogatory terms you sometimes see bandied about on this forum......

 

The overwhelming issues that seemed to be causing dissatisfaction in their marriages were things like: feeling taken for granted, being seen as father and breadwinner but not a lover, a lack of interest in sex from the wife, too much focus on the kids by the wife, a sense of "is this all there is to look forward to" on the husband's part, often an attitude of complacency from the wife and a sense of flatness and resignation for the husband.

 

I think therefore that often for the MM an affair is often just a "bubble" - an escape from the humdrum routine. Having an affair often does NOT mean that a guy wants a divorce though - it's generally more about having his cake and eating it and, for some guys, trying to fit the missing pieces into a generally but not wholly satisfactory marriage.

 

Every situation is different in its fine detail but I personally think it's always asking for trouble if the OW ever gets involved thinking that the guy will divorce - often the marriage is really not that bad, the MM just wants to have a "fantasy bubble" where he can escape and temporarily feel valued as a man and a lover - not just as the father/breadwinner.

very well said..I have to agree with you on this..this is why me and MM started this..I was the same way.we needed the fantasy,we were escaping our lives and stroking each others ego's..but I confess it's changing in ways I never seen coming,scary stuff.
Posted

We started talking online about some problems that we were having with our respective marriages in the beginning. He actually was at of the house temporarily at that point.

 

We also discuss when things are going better in our marriages too.

 

I guess we just have discussed a lot of things. Not excessively, though and very rarely to the extreme of how horrible the other spouse is.

 

I'd like to think that we are mature enough (especially me..lol) to realize there are two sides to everything & we are just hearing one of those sides.

Posted
So is this a case of a MM actually telling the truth about his W?? Maybe his W is what he says.

 

Yes. My MM tells me how the W is nasty all the time. That they never talk, & nothing nice comes out of her mouth when they're in the same room. It boggles my mind. How do you live in a household like that?? I have so many questions & I think I need to start asking him.

 

I some how didn't see this..I apologise.

yeah I'm starting to really believe all the terrible things he says after what his friend had said..I know I was dumbfounded. she throws stuff and sits him down like a child..she does this in front of people..thats the part that really blew my mind.

 

I don't know how much you want to ask though..when I did start asking questions I was getting so pissed off at him taking this abuse that I wanted to shake him..like you i say how do you live like that??

Posted
I some how didn't see this..I apologise.

yeah I'm starting to really believe all the terrible things he says after what his friend had said..I know I was dumbfounded. she throws stuff and sits him down like a child..she does this in front of people..thats the part that really blew my mind.

 

I don't know how much you want to ask though..when I did start asking questions I was getting so pissed off at him taking this abuse that I wanted to shake him..like you i say how do you live like that??

 

But unless you live in their house, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. You're only getting his side of things..

Posted
But unless you live in their house, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. You're only getting his side of things..

 

I know your right,I only believed half till his friend embaressed him with stories of his wife freaking out...but I wonder how much his friend is aware of our relationship..this stuff could have been said for my benifit for all I know..and it's possible,since he's the one starting the divorce talk on a far to regular basis.

 

and truely who would stay in a marrige like that for the sake of the kids..it sets a terrible example if it were all true.:mad:

Posted
I know your right,I only believed half till his friend embaressed him with stories of his wife freaking out...but I wonder how much his friend is aware of our relationship..this stuff could have been said for my benifit for all I know..and it's possible,since he's the one starting the divorce talk on a far to regular basis.

 

and truely who would stay in a marrige like that for the sake of the kids..it sets a terrible example if it were all true.:mad:

 

I'm not saying ALL MM lie of course. It's just in my opinion, most do. I didn;t think so before I came here. I started reading all the posts and thought 'Hmmm.. that's what MY MM used to say'.

Posted
I some how didn't see this..I apologise.

yeah I'm starting to really believe all the terrible things he says after what his friend had said..I know I was dumbfounded. she throws stuff and sits him down like a child..she does this in front of people..thats the part that really blew my mind.

 

I don't know how much you want to ask though..when I did start asking questions I was getting so pissed off at him taking this abuse that I wanted to shake him..like you i say how do you live like that??

 

I totally understand that. My mm tells me horrid things that his W does to him.. & I get SO mad b/c i dont understand how he can live w/what she supposedly "puts him through." Is he even telling me the truth??

 

Before I came here, I thought "No way..he's not lying to me." But, by reading everyones posts, my thoughts are extremely different. Everything he tells me, I question. Everything he does, I question. He always says to me, "Ask me anything you want." The more I find out, the more angrier I get. But, I WANT to know. I def. don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. Always questioning, always wondering. How is that happiness?? But when we are w/ them... I guess it all disappears.

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